Sailor Moon R Episode 16 - The Friendship of Sailor Warriors! Good-bye, Ami

Happy Monday. I decided to start off with Sailor Moon this week because frankly I don't think I can deal with Astarotte right now. It's a difficult choice, having to decide between one pedo-loving anime and another, but somehow I get the feeling that this one will break me a little bit less, so we're going with that.

I hope this one breaks me less.

I'm so freaking screwed aren't I.

In today's episode, Ami goes off to Germany and the other girls have to deal with some snow lady. Oh. Well okay then. Rather straightforward and to the point, for once. Let's do this.

It's a lovely day in Tokyo, with little girls running around with their cat balls looking at other people eating ice cream. She wants ice cream, but then decides this is, in fact, a stupid idea.

I. Wait. What? But you're. Um. What?

Even if you're 'not a kid anymore', what does that have to do with wanting some mother-loving ice cream? I mean for seriousness' sake, I love me some ice cream. Anyone that isn't lactose intolerant saying that wanting ice cream is stupid is, in fact, themselves incredibly stupid. Which makes her not believing herself to be a child, in fact, incredibly childish. OH MY GOD CIRCULAR LOGIC LOOP WHAT.

Then Ami rolls across her and is all "Oh hey you want some ice cream I want some ice cream" and she's all "NO ICE CREAM DUMB" and she's like "I will totes pay" and then like any reasonable eight-year-old, which then prompts me to do this thing where I look at Wiki and then blow my own goddamn mind. Because, you see, I was so horribly wrong about her age.

There's some things here which could be regarded as, shall we simply say spoileriffic? So I'll neglect to mention that shit (as if you didn't already know). Instead, I'm going to focus on the part where she is actually supposed to be FIVE YEARS OLD. FIVE. FIVE. Or rather, she appears that old BUT STILL, SHE LOOKS FIVE.

Now, the whole making out with Mamoru? THAT IS JUST EVEN FREAKING WORSE. SO MUCH WORSE. So she is a five-year-old acting like more of an adult than Usagi, which isn't saying much but is still a sick, sick burn when you think about it too long.

So while those two are off getting sweet, sweet ice creams, the other girls are at the shrine all talking about how Ami is going to Germany because she's some kind of smart smart kid who scores the best on her national exams and shit. It's Japan's way of nudging other countries with their elbow and saying "hey, look at the kinds of kids we have in our country, aren't you just so jelly?" At least, that's how I like to imagine a foreign exchange program working.

But it would seem that (*gasp!*) she hasn't made up her mind if she wanted to leave to study abroad or not. I mean, chick wants to be a doctor, and Germany is totally awesome with the medicines, but leave it to Usagi to freak out. After all, Ami is the 'brains' of the operation, god knows without her nobody would be able to use a totally awesome mini-calculator to establish a pattern of attack with but a single point of reference.

... yeah, I'm really not going to let that go.

The girls decide, of course, that it really is up to Ami if she leaves or not, which is hilariously true, because let's face it, if she really wanted to leave what choice would any of them have but to just accept it?

Of course, this still isn't good enough for our fearless (more like brainless) leader. But then Rei points out that the girl has literally been losing sleep so that she can keep studying and fight all at the same time. That's some serious dedication there. Then Luna drives the stake in home, by saying "yeah, didn't you say you wanted everyone to lead the lives of normal girls?"

At which point she immediately is okay with the idea of Ami leaving, as if she had never even considered otherwise. She's not even appearing bothered by this at all.

It's almost as if the plot dictated you not be a royal
cunt about this whole thing.

Then it's decided: they're going to throw Ami a party. Speaking of Ami, back over in the park she's finished her ice cream and is off to cram school, and proceeds to walk off... by walking in place as the camera zooms back.

She's in a big hurry to go nowhere.

That's some quality animation for you right there folks. And you thought I was joking about some of the shit that actually made it into TV productions...

So little Chibi-usa decides that, if anyone is hiding the Silver Crystal, it's probably this chick. She arbitrarily decided this because she is one of Usagi's very close friends, I guess, and hasn't exactly put two and two together quite yet as to why Usagi even has the damned thing to begin with.

Oh, and because they feel the need to sell more toys, the cats magically produced from their arcane sphincters new wands and communication watches for all the girls. They also serve as power-ups.

Yeah it's not like her bubbles ever manage to hurt
anything in the first place.

Welcome back to Rubeus' rockin' new pad, complete with holographic projection of a city that doesn't even exist yet. He calls up that hottie Berthier again, and tasks her with dealing with another one of those Crystal Points, somehow ignoring how she totally f***ed up the last one. Though I guess it's technically not her fault, after all she wasn't even there when shit went down, so I guess the blame could squarely lie with the automaton they made.

So what, you may ask, is today's evil place of evilness? A voting office? A pre-school? No, wait, a doctor's office!

.... are you f***ing kidding me.

A goddamn ice cream stall.

Their big evil plan. Is to sell evil. F***ing. Ice cream.

Y'know what? Cosmetics? I could buy it. Ice Cream? Forget about it. So you have to take over some 'Crystal Point' so that in the future, you have "control" of it. Supposedly they're supposed to be what powers the city or some shit, right? But if you don't let the city develop in the first place there's no point in taking over arbitrary points that make no difference whatsoever. Plus, aren't you supposed to be finding the "rabbit" so you can kill her and take the Silver Crystal and then turn the place to ash anyways? SO WHAT IS EVEN THE GODDAMN POINT IN TAKING OVER A F***ING ICE CREAM SHOP?!?!?!

Beryl and crew, they did a lot of super questionable bullshit, don't get me wrong, but this crew? Holy f**k they are just doing shit because they are bored out of their skulls, and they aren't even GOOD ideas to begin with!!

Let me just mention how IMPOSSIBLE your hair is....

And he's all "I hope you don't f**k this one up" and off she goes to work.

Then Ami comes out of cram school and Chibi-usa is all like "sup, so I like, has a faves to ask and I was totes hoping you'd let me crash at your place so I can be all studious and shit like you." How in the world could Ami possibly say no to such an admirable goal?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the smartest character
in this show. Tokyo is doomed.

So they're off to Ami's place and Chibi-usa is all falling asleep while studying, and she's all "I'm tired" and Ami is all "BITCH IT IS ONLY TEN WE CAN DO THIS FOR ANOTHER HOUR SO SUCK IT UP." You would think she'd be a little more understanding, be all "yeah it's late for you why don't you go off to bed and I'll see you in the morning", but no. She expects a five-year-old girl (who is supposed to be going to the same school and maybe even the same grade as a dude who is probably 10 or 11?) to keep up with her crazy ass. Yeah, she's not unreasonable at all.

Yes because you clearly do everything your teacher tells you.

But Ami is all "well it's not like we're watching TV, so it'll totally be cool."

... yeah.

Just as she's thinking about how she's going to wind up searching for the Silver Crystal, Ami is all "so who are you really? There's no way you can be Usagi's cousin." HOW DID SHE FIND OUT? (Psst, it's probably your crazy hair color.) But she's all "well, whatever, if you don't want to talk about it, that's cool, I might be leaving the country for awhile soon and if I do my mom will be super lonely so it's totally okay if you stay here for the time being."

WOW. WAY TO BE SUPER NICE AND ALSO INCREDIBLY STUPID AT THE SAME TIME AMI. Oh, but then she immediately backpedals and says "nah, screw that, I can't leave Usagi's dumb ass here alone, forget I said anything" which only serves to further confuse the little girl. Then there's some wierd sort of flashback/dream sequence where Ami is all "I have to go Usagi" and then Mamoru is there all of a sudden saying he doesn't love her and then they both say goodbye. Oh, looks like we somehow slipped into Usagi's dream without ANY SORT OF WARNING AT ALL.

So Berthier shows up to do her thing and summons a monster called... wait, what? Nipasu? Who is designed to be very similar to a Yuki-Onna, which if you didn't know is a totally bitchin' snow lady from Japanese Mythology. It's something you should totally Google sometime.

Ignoring the fact that she just summoned a snow spirit to take over an ICE CREAM SHOP, she gives orders and gets right down to business.

What do you know, another human-shaped monster.

Apparently this chick has the power of Superman's Frost Breath and... freezes the ice cream shop. What? Then Ami, Usagi, and Chibi-usa are walking to school and Usagi's all "oh hey we're gonna throw you a totes rockin' party", at which point Ami starts to question the wisdom of leaving this hopeless moron alone, but Usagi is all "you better go or else" while the pink-haired brat is all "I am totally gonna steal that crystal".

So blondie tells the other girls what's going on, and that Ami totally doesn't want any going away parties or anything because she doesn't want to say goodbye, and the other girls are understandably hurt by this, and decide they should just see her off at the airport, and decide to do that. Commercial break!

When we come back, despite being completely encased in ice, the Bob-Floy's is totally open for business again, the very next day.

Guaranteed 100% evil or your money back! No refunds!

Now people start eating the evil ice cream, which, upon a single lick, makes everyone super angry and hateful of one another. Because instead of cooling them down, it... makes them more susceptible to the heat.

This. This right here is the STUPIDEST goddamn plan EVER. I'm trying to wrack my brain and ask myself, did Zoisite ever have a plan this terrible? I REALLY DON'T THINK SO. And he had some really truly awful ones.

But wait, it gets worse. Because you see, since they can't take the heat, they'll want more ice cream, and because they want more ice cream, it will mean they won't be able to create a barrier in the future.

HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY F***ING SENSE AT ALL?!

The only thing that could possibly ruin this plan? A white cat named ARTEMIS who overhears EVERY SINGLE WORD THEY ARE SAYING. He is quickly discovered, but they don't care at all.

A cat is fine too.

Or at least, that's what they want him to think, before he gets turned into a catscicle. Poor guy never stood a chance.

Back over at the shrine, Reimu is doing that fire thing and she can't find Artemis. The horrors. Then Usagi is all "Maybe we should ask Ami with her computer and ohhhh whoops." No, she didn't realize how stupid she sounded just now by saying that, she just remembered they're not supposed to be asking Ami for help because she is moving on with her life.

Stupid goddamn magical bullshit computers.

Then Ami is packing to leave.

KILL ALL THE BITCHES.

Chibi-usa is all "oh hey have fun in Germany and thanks for all your help" and decides she doesn't have the crystal, so who the hell does? Then Luna and Mina are all looking at that super suspicious ice cream shop while the cat is all "hey almost time to see Ami off what's up?"

And you didn't think this was the first place to check?!

Shop closes for the day, and Berthier comes a calling, to ask what to do with the frozen people in the back. Then threatens the monster that, if she doesn't deal with them, maybe she should deal with them herself, and Nipasu along with? Then Berthier is off and Nipasu discovers another cat, and some blonde-haired chick messing with their frozen people.

Four Words: Soylent Green Ice Cream.

Now Nipasu has to kill her, and changes into her hideous form and freezes Luna. Whoops. So the other girls are waiting at the bus stop for Mina, when their watches beep and flash and she's all "BOB-FLOY'S. ICE CREAM SPECIAL. HURRY THE SPECIAL IS PEOPLE." Then Usagi is all "oh damn what about Ami's going-away gift" and Chibi-usa is all "I'll take it no biggie", and... hold the phone. Did they really just answer their communicators in front of Chibi-usa who doesn't seem to understand THIS IS NOT A NORMAL THING?! Then Mamoru comes up anyway and is all "I'll totes deliver the gift no BFD", and then heads off in his car that just magically appears out of goddamn nowhere.

WHERE DID YOU EVEN COME FROM.

So I guess they girls can off and play hero now. Now all four of them are together to face this Yuki-onna, and Sailor Moon is totally going to tell you how wrong it is to distribute Evil Ice Cream.

One might think that Sailor Mars would be enough to deal with this, being a FIRE GIRL and all that, but Ami is all standing at the airport waiting to leave while Mamoru rocks the 80's shades hard as f**k on his way to the airport with a little girl.

Are they intentionally trying to make him look more like
a pedophiliac or something?!?!

Then there's music, and the Scouts are all "oh my god it is so cold it is colder than the north pole AND WE HAVE BEEN THERE". Eventually, Mamoru and Chibi-usa (god I am getting sick of calling her that there must be a better f***ing name) see Ami off. The little one decides to turn her ball into... a candy cane... that turns into flowers... and Mamoru hands off the goodie bag. What's inside? Something that super shocks her for some reason, and Chibi-usa is all "man you have the shittiest friends ever they couldn't even see you off".

Wow, what a bitch. What's the gift, you may ask?

It's that thing we were not gonna give you but decided,
well, we already ordered the damn thing so...

Then she looks at Mamoru and uses her national-level intelligence to figure out why her friends haven't shown up. Speaking of her friends, they're still in the middle of a blizzard, wondering why Mars isn't doing her Fire Soul thing. You know, that thing that GENERALLY GETS RID OF THAT COLD FEELING.

So guess who is in a car off to catch up with her besties? That's right, that dumbest smart girl in all of Japan, that's who.

So uh, why haven't we bothered attacking yet?

Things look grim for our heroes who have done NOTHING, and who just kind of sit there letting the coldness just happen to them, while Ami is running to a shitty background, and eventually transforms with her new wand and oh my god the next three episodes are going to be exactly like this.

Then Mercury shows up and attacks the ice lady with AN AQUA ILLUSION. Which is somehow HER ONE WEAKNESS. Then Sailor Moon does her thing and I just want to drive a f***ing fork into my forehead because WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SENSE DOES THIS EVEN MAKE. Monster is deadified, people are free, cats ar ealive, congratulations you have saved der day.

Then friendship triumphs over all else, including common f***ing sense.

And outside? Chibi-usa is all "hey they got back together because of me right?" WHICH CLEARLY INSINUATES SHE KNOWS THEY ARE THE F***ING SAILOR SCOUTS.

Then finally the girls are all on a bridge watching the water asking Ami if she regrets her decision, and they all laugh at how useless Usagi is and the episode ends.

... I'm going to punch whoever thought this episode was a good idea in the f***ing nuts.