Wanna Be the Strongest! Episode 05 - The Night Before the Decisive Fight

I try to find something positive in everything - the silver lining, as it were. Free!, for example, had it's beautiful animation and brilliant choice of camera direction - if it if was largely wasted, due to the fact being about half-naked men running around and getting wet. I'm at a loss for what to say about this show though. I mean, I guess I could say it makes me laugh? Except that the things I am laughing about are for completely the wrong reasons. I'm not even sure they are genuine laughs.

Five episodes in, I'm pretty sure I can safely describe this one as being a train wreck. Because I'm thoroughly convinced they have no f***ing clue what they are doing.

Cue the Rocky Montage, and crank up Eye of the Tiger, because it's time for the training episode.

Yelling "ADRIAAAAN!" at the top is mandatory.

Oh, and expect some utterly horrible animation plates too. This is just disgusting to look at.

The stairs are flat. This camera is impossible. Ugh.

This goes without saying, but expect the pace of this episode to be about as agonizingly painful as the last three. Roll intro!

I predict that by the end of this episode she will be ready to go into a match, and next episode we'll get to see her make the first win of her career or something, because that's how the pacing here tends to work.

After the intro, there's some cheering and shit, and dem idols are all like, "who is Japan's Top Idoru?" Obviously, it's Elena, who's pretty much been doing the job over the last year. So yeah, absolutely nobody is surprised by this at all. She steps up to deliver her "ABOUT F***ING TIME" speech, but realizes that she's actually pretty pissed off, because she didn't actually beat Sakura. Nor did she, in fact, have her popped in the kneecap with a pipe after a performance in order to steal her place.

Some of you may be too young for that joke.

So Elena, how will you express your joy to the fans? By reminding them of all the crap that happened since the last vote or something. Actually, forget that, she's all like "yeah Sweet Diva isn't gonna change, so I'm the top bitch now, cheer for me you virgin shitheads."

SEIZURES! SEIZURES! SEIZURES! SEIZURES!

Everyone cheers, and there's more seizure warnings and she's all "please come back so I can rub your face in this shit". Meanwhile, Sakura is getting her leg pulled by someone else. At which point she snaps and says ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT and kind of starts trying to beat the shit out of her opponent.

Now she's in a match against some Hornet chick, who is rubbing her face against the ropes, and then prepares to choke her out with a wooden sword.

This probably breaks so many work ethics laws it's stupid.

Oh, wait, hold on a second.

Hey Mikey, I think she likes it!

And the show goes on, until the ref tells her she needs to stop, and counts to four, when she stops, then starts up again, probably expecting another countdown. But then Sakura gets up and straight up starts beating the shit out of her, gets up on her back and starts feeling her opponent up for a change. Looks like they're trying to shoot for an exciting match this time, but three count as Sakura is down, though for once not from lack of trying.

Obvious penis joke goes here.

Then she walks off moping about how she still can't win, but her fans still seem to have the same seats as always. Well, one of them I guess. Even though people are talking, none of them actually appear to be doing it. Ugh.

Otaku man, you are still super creepy.

She takes the time to thank her fans for always cheering her on, and her pal is met with those other two assholes from last episode who left because she kept losing.

We got five whole frames of animation this episode, best
make the most out of them!

Then the President is all "hey, you've been doing so well we hooked you up with a revenge match" and now she's all super depressed. Her trainer is all like "what the hell is up with you?" and Sakura's like "I'm about to have my rematch but I still feel like I'm not ready".

Blah blah blah, insert the part where you learn a special move to help give you that edge. A special, signature move to use as a finisher. A Hissatsu. AN INSTANT KILL. She wants to learn the Misaki special, but that's not gonna work, she needs something original. So she spends the next five minutes watching TV, cooking eggs, having naked baths, and walking all while going "special move... special move..." Well, Hissatsu really. It's not so much a 'special move' as it is the word used to describe a one-hit kill. Shame on the translators, shame! I get the context but still.

Then we get to see Sakura immediately change from the sweet, loving, gentle soul to someone who flips out when you so much as want to just say "hello!"

That's just cold, yo.

She then walks off not even acknowledging her teammate, and Misaki stands not far off going "she will figure it out or else" to her reporter pal. Then Sakura spends the night by the lake in silent contemplation on what kind of move would even be physically possible for someone tiny like she is. She needs a move that'll work on everyone, and one that isn't copied from someone else.

Then she gets a visit from a late-night creeper: It's Elena!

I wouldn't want to meet her in a dark place either.

After the commercial break they sit on a swing and talk about how long it's been since Sakura gave up her completely successful career to act like an idiot. She totally needs to talk to her about something though. She feels kind of meh about the whole being the star thing because she never got to win, then they do some sepia-overlaid seizure warnings, and Sakura mentions the upcoming revenge match. Once that happens she's totally coming back, right?

Well, sure, of course. But will she put up a good fight? Who knows? Then she talks about how she should be training and all that crap, and Elena starts playing on the swings before launching herself off like she's five years old again. Oh, and tells her she should dance if she wants to, and leave her friends behind because if they don't dance or if they won't dance then they're no friends of hers.

God I am dating myself with these references, aren't I?

But no, seriously, she's all "let's dance". And suddenly, Sakura gets this crazy idea, and they start dancing in the park just be-f***ing-cause. Then they do the impossible flippy thing and she gets it. Her signature move. WHY NOT.

And then, suddenly, it was half past rape o'clock.

Dancing is fun! So is beating the shit out of people! Let's combine it! Let's dance because we're beating the shit out of people! Then Elena goes on about how all of this is her fault and if only she hadn't been such a twat, Sakura wouldn't have had to go through all of this shit. Sakura tries to make her feel better by reminding her that she doesn't have to play second fiddle anymore, and oh for god's sake just f***ing start making out already!

I'm going to have a start an eye-f***ing tag aren't I.

Then they sit on the bench for the rest of the night happily ever after and the next day Sakura is messing around with the bags, and people are interviewing her opponent about what this next match is gonna be like, blah blah she is useless and of no concern whatever.

CUE THE ROCKY TRAINING MONTAGE AGAIN. You know, THE EXACT ONE THEY USE DURING THE INTRO SEQUENCE. BECAUSE YOU KNEW THEY WERE GONNA F***ING USE THAT SHIT SOMEWHERE. Not to mention reusing the same shit from EARLIER IN THIS EPISODE JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED IT THE FIRST TIME.

Meanwhile over at Sweet Diva, Elena stops being such a callous bitch and actually congratulates her teammates who are like "wow, when did you stop being such a stuck up cunt?" and she's all just like "well when I totally f***ed Sakura last night on a park bench!"

I might be exaggerating but that is totally the thing that happened damn it all.

And they talk about how tomorrow night is Sakura's big match and how it's gonna be totally awesome and boy, sure will be nice to have a wrestler coming back to Sweet Diva won't it?

Well that's because I was busy wrestling with my case of
closet homosexuality but that is totally resolved now.

Tomorrow's fight is a big thing though, so she better show up or else, since Sweet Diva's rep is totally on the line again. Cue the annoying ass jpop bullshit music and all the girls going "Power of Love triumphs over all!" and girlish laughter and all that, and you just know that my predictions from earlier are completely coming true.

So welcome to more cheering, and welcome to the whole intro to the rematch thing, and welcome to the end of the episode because there's only about a minute and a half left in this episode tops. They make liberal use of the shitty 3D render of the arena from before, and then Sakura comes out on the stage with her own theme music and everything. Although the entire crowd are still shitty 3D models. At least a few of them are moving a little bit.

I guess someone discovered what an animation skeleton
finally was. Now if only they could properly
animate an entire crowd.... shitty or otherwise.

She goes running down the ramp propelling her massive chest forward as she leaps into the ring, and the entire crowd is cheering for her, including the peanut gallery. Then They force you to sit through Kazama's intro, hwich really isn't all that different, except there's a lot less running and much more just striaght up power-walking to the ring, and throwing off the mask and coat while they glare at each other.

65 losses? Who cares? This is about vengeance. The bell rings and finally, we are free to forget this series exists for a week. Except not because the next ep is already out and you can expect to see it later this week.

This show does a better job of sucking the life and joy out of you than some prepubescent succubi.

Way to bring that joke home.