Sailor Moon R Episode 21 - Ocean, Island, Vacation! The Soldier's Day Off

So I hope you guys enjoyed pigging out on turkey. I enjoyed sleeping. And not watching a show I kind of despise.

Okay. Despise is the wrong word, I guess. It just hurts to watch it.

By which I mean to say I may break my nose hitting it against the desk.

It's that kind of relationship.

So in the last episode, we learned that Chibi-usa is a horrible person, and Mamoru and Usagi are totally her future-parents. And she still wants to bone her dad, and her dad? He kind of wants to 'hang out' with her 'alone'.

Today, though, the girls all go to the beach, meet Nessie, and a volcano explodes.

... is it sad this might be the best episode yet?

Anyhow, it's a super hot day and nobody has done their homework and it's the end of the summer, and none of them have done anything fun. So that means they should visit the shrine, where Chibi-usa is just casually hanging out, but Rei isn't around. She's too busy training in some remote island or something.

Of course the blondes and Mako are super jealous, and decide to just kind of go after her just because.

After the title slide, we see Rei standing on the beach in her priestess outfit just casually soaking in the sun.

Prepare to regret opening your mouth in 3, 2, 1...

So she does this thing with a burning talisman and she jumps up into the air, but then the gang shows up suddenly for no reason, and the tide washes Rei away.

Afterwards, Rei is all mad at them for following her, and Usagi brushes this concern aside saying they had a really good reason for this: Chibi-usa was lonely and wanted to play. She also takes this time to suffocate the little girl in the process.

Say it isn't so, SAY IT ISN'T SO. I dare you.

Can I just point out how wholly unnecessary this even is? After all she did say that she wanted to play with Rei because everyone else is a bunch of boring turds, but holy christ, this kid is your future daughter and you are literally preventing her from being able to breathe. Look at the placement on those thumbs? She's not just covering that girl's mouth, she is holding her nose closed as well.

I think she just wanted an excuse to find a remote place to dump the body, where no one would ever bother looking.

But the worst part? All of the other girls just casually sit there and act as though nothing is wrong. INCLUDING AMI. In fact, she goes on to say that she should finish her homework first!!!

My god. And these are the people who we expect are supposed to be saving the world. Casually brushing aside domestic abuse. Encouraging it, even. And she's sitting there crying the entire time! Until Rei says they can play. Meanwhile, Rei continues to try laying into the others for coming to interrupt her 'sacred training'.

Oh look the cats have found a parachute.

She quickly turns around to find cats digging through her stuff and then they all go out swimming. Rei also informs them to watch out, for there be sharks.

Be prepared to see the worst swimming ever.

What is this, some sort of shitty torpedo? Look at that!

Then Usagi sees that Chibi-usa is using an innertube, because she is EIGHT YEARS OLD AND CANNOT SWIM. So picking on little girls that never learned to swim? Totally the thing to do.

Just remember: You all want to be Usagi. Remember.

So then Rei paddles over and is all "what is wrong with you HERE HAVE SOME WATER" and teams up with Chibi-usa to attempt drowning her with a "Niagara Attack". At least there is some justice to be found in this episode.

Cue the sexy music and still images where people are doing things but nobody is actually moving! Then Chibi-usa makes a sand castle with Rei, and Usagi comes up with the conclusion that they must like each other because they are both stuck-up bitches.

Well it takes one to know one...

Anyhow, Chibi-usa notices something strange out in the water.

Uh, hello there. Do you believe in God? Because I don't.

Of course by the time she looks out into the water properly, it's long gone, and then there's food to eat so they're off to do that. But Pinkie there doesn't feel like eating, saying she doesn't like fish then just casually tosses it in the sand and storms off. Oh and now she hates Rei. Then she goes to sit out in the water by herself, and Rei is all "man what did I even do?"

Eventually the cats wander over and are like "so where's the kid" and the girls are all "in the water" and they're like "uh, no she's not". Whoops.

Just. As. Planned. #lightyagami

So Chibi-usa wakes up surrounded by sharks and very far from the shore. Then she falls in and gets saved by a baby nessie.

F**k your evolutionary theory bitch, I'm a dinosaur!

Then the girls are all out on a boat looking for a little girl who could literally be anywhere, complaining about how shitty Rei is at driving a boat. Bu tthey can't find her anywhere, and Rei gives the wheel to Mako, and the two of them keep passing who should take the blame for this one. Was it Rei's fault for being strict? Mako's for making food she didn't like? No, it was everyone's fault for not watching the damn kid in the first place.

So there's another island with a volcano and baby Nessie is all being attacked by sharks, so Chibi-usa... turns Luna-P into a propeller.

A propeller.

A f***ing propeller.

That is probably one of the most useless things you could come up with in this situation. but yet she motorboats her friend almost into a rock wall after sending the sharks flying, and she's all "oh, do you live here?" As if the damn thing could answer her. It crawls out of the water and starts licking its wound.

Considering it was just bit by a damn shark, I'd say
it's actually doing pretty good.

She then transforms Luna-P into a medical kit, and she discovers this one is newly-hatched. So... it saved her... why?

HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?!?!?!?

So it is now bandaged up and she keeps talking as though it totally understands, and is all "yay we are friends" and goes on to talk about wondering where it's mom is. So she asks it what it's name is, but that's stupid. Yes, it's a baby. BUT IT IS ALSO AN ANIMAL THAT CANNOT TALK. Augh. She decides to call it Kirin, because it has a long neck. Fine. You've now just adopted a baby dinosaur and know nothing about caring for it.

Aw isn't that just a shame generic barbie doll figurine?

But Rei is all "quit bein' a bitch she can't be shark chum yet not until we see blood all over the water" and so the search continued. After all, Rei is psychic, and she's got a feeling that the girl is still alive. Besides, look at the cats? They're looking suuuuuper hard.

First, Chibi-usa. Next, the cats.

Oh, and then Nessie herself shows up.

QUICK SOMEBODY CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

When we return, Chibi-usa is all talking to the baby dinosaur, and suddenly she is wishing that she'd eaten the damn fish. Now both of them are hungry! But that's okay because they are friends and the fact that she totally ditched those other hoes is completely besides the point. Because now she has a baby nessie.

Though it goes swimming off and dumps a bunch of fish in front of her. Damnit.

Eventually the boat full of girls sees smoke on the volcano island, and they're like "is that a fire?" "nah, probably just from the volcano".

Then magically Chibi-usa has a fish cooker. Probably turned Luna-P into one.

Eventually, the cats notice that there does, in fact, appear to be a giant dinosaur swimming around, and night falls with no help in sight. But then the ground shakes, but it's cool, just go back to sleep, no big deal it's not like the volcano is gonna erupt or anything. But as bubblegum there wakes up to go pee... somewhere? Mommy shows up and she's all "oh god I am suddenly a snack-sized serving for an amphibious carnivore".

Char, char~ Charmander char!

Then mommy goes to take baby back and all Chibi-usa can do is just sit there talking and realizing how much she misses her own mom, and then the dinosaurs just casually leave her to die. Or they would if Kirin wasn't so damned attached. Oh but then the Volcano explodes! Whoops. Then the big one pushes them away from being crushed by rocks, and the girls are all "oh hey, a volcano."

Man, anyone on that island is about to get f***ed.

Then Rei with her brilliant psychic powers sees Chibi-usa in the billowing cloud of smoke, and she's all "hey, who wants to do this incredibly dangerous and stupid thing based upon nothing but gut instinct?"

Count everyone in, I guess.

So the cats order everyone to transform, and that's exactly what happens. It's been awhile since we've seen everyone transform at the same time, after all, so it's about time for it I guess. After all, they need to pad out the filler episode somehow.

Good thing that volcano isn't minutes away from completely blowing up the island or anything.

So thanks to the efforts of a giant dinosaur, Chibi-usa manages to get away, but not before they are totally buried under rocks, and she finds herself totally powerless to help them. Heck, I don't even see Luna-P anywhere. Then the volcano starts to actually erupt spraying hot lava all over the place, and as the magma slowly creeps over to where she is, the scouts show up and are all like "welp time to save the day time to hit the lava with FIRE".

.... yes, attacking lava with fire is genius. Same with lightning. Of all the scounts, the one I'd think would be most useful would be Mercury, but no, everyone has to go BEFORE her. Because cooling hot lava, that is totally not a priority. Then Chibi-usa is all "hey save my dinopals kplzthx" and they're all looking at her like she's stupid. Which she probably is but that's besides the point right now I suppose.

Don't look at me she ain't MY kid.

So Mars orders Sailor Moon to go check and, lo and behold, there are dinosaurs alright, but the lava is going to be here soon, and everyone else can only use their powers once. So it's up to her to... heal the dinosaurs to safety? Or something? I guess the Moon Princess Escalation actually breaks rocks or something, which is a new one on me. Then the lava sweeps in just as they get into the water and yay, everyone is safe.

Except the environment.

The island is kinda screwed.

On the way back, Chibi-usa wakes up wondering what happened to the dinosaurs, who are just casually chilling beside the boat, and Usagi is all "no bigs, the Sailor Scouts totally saved your ass". As if she somehow wasn't aware that THEY WERE THE SAILOR SCOUTS.

So she waves at her friends and then realizes the fatal flaw in her plan to be BFF's with a dinosaur: They are an aquatic species, and do not live on land. You do not. Then she gets all teary-eyed and is all "please don't get separated from your mom" and they swim off into the sunset. Or sunrise. Not sure which. Oh, and she will totes eat fish now because a dinosaur taught her to.

I somehow get the feeling I don't need to point out how stupidly ridiculous that sounds. End of episode.

I get this sinking feeling that the only reason any of us thought this show was any kind of quality was due to the fact that there was literally nothing else on television at the time.

I'm going to smother myself in my pillows now...