Astarotte no Omocha Episode 07 - Apostrophe of Secret

So I barely remember the last weekend. Not entirely sure why, but it all feels like just a hazy blur of working. As such, I pretty much slept through all of Monday.

It wasn't my intention, but these things happen, I suppose. So unfortunately, it looks increasingly likely that you'll only be getting four updates this week instead of five, before returning to the usual schedule.

I'm sure you won't miss it at all.

I know I won't.

Okay so if anyone remembers anything about this show, Lotte is lost in the human world, gonna die from boredom, and Asuha is totally her half-sister and as such is totally gonna open this gate. The real question here, of course, is will anyone be smart enough to figure that shit out, or will it only happen by sheer accident?

My money's on the accident part personally.

So the episode starts out with Naoya staring up at the tree like a dork, and Asuha is all like "hey good luck" and they all recap with the whole "welp gotta go save da princess" and... oh god damn it.

All that stuff about plot and foreshadowing? Let's just
ignore that and use a macguffin instead.

Or it might be they are supposed to use that to revive the Princess? I'm really not sure on this point because Judit then tells him to do the thing with Lotte. Y'know. the "sucking" thing.

Uh, that... doesn't work that way you know.

Though, the actual word used is "chuu-chuu" which is the sound they make for kissy-kisses, but honestly that's not exactly any better of an example to be using. The others aren't exactly encouraging. Or rather, they are in the worst possible way. Because, y'know, you should make this a 'pleasant memory' for the little girl.

... I really need better friends to recommend me anime because so far my record for for non-pedo-anime is pretty terrible.

No pressure, they only want you to ravage a girl who is the same age as your daughter. Oh, and then he walks off... alone? How the hell is he going to get the gate to open? He thanks the sage who is all blushy and shit, and then she tells him to get the hell out of there. By being eaten by a giant... frog. Which then proceeds to somehow force the gate open and travel through?

HOW DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE ANY SENSE IF ONLY THE PRINCESS COULD OPEN THE DAMN GATE DUE TO BEING A SUCCUBUS AND WHY DIDN'T ANYONE THINK OF ASUHA AUUUUGH. CUE THE F***ING INTRO.

Somehow, the frog is now tiny, and the worst dad in the world is now waking up under a tree back home where the seedling is somehow intact, despite being dropped and carried in the belly of a giant shrinking frog.

Yeah try wrapping your brain around that one.

So he wakes up and is all "oh look I'm back home and am completely wet for no reason let's go feed a tiny girl some plants". Then he rings his own doorbell, where Lotte tells him he is not home. Classy.

She then promptly slams his own door in his face, locking it behind.

My house key? Just guessing.

He reminds her that he kind of lives here, and no matter how many times she slams the door and locks it in his face, he can continue to open it. Until she has the presence of mind to actually deadbolt it, before attempting to commit suicide for some random reason.

Something something something do the Macarena.

She yells at him for failing at being her toy by coming after her, and she decides to show him something amazing.

Is that what the kids call it these days?

The point she is making is that the guardians of the house will attempt to stop anyone trying to break into a house they are guarding. So she wants him to try breaking into his own house. Unreasonable, no. But there's an important thing she's ignoring, which he finally decides to point out:

He can see her panties.

Who'd have thought that standing in such a manner while wearing the barest minimum of what could be considered 'clothes' would have such an effect.

So of course she gets mad at him and throws a bottle at his head, and he decides it's time to start trying to break into his own house. Inside, she is trying to figure out how she is going to punish him. The he asks what she's up to, and she realizes that he's already made it inside. Whoops. Turns out the guardians can't actually stop the guy who owns the house from coming into his own home. Gee. Who would've thought that plan would backfire horribly.

Certainly not blondie there that's for sure.

So now they get left alone in his bedroom, and she starts laughing, and threatens him with one of those exercise thingies. But he's all "Man let's just go home already, I'm sorry."

Like a cat she is easily distracted.

He declares that everyone is waiting for her and he will never let her feel lonely again, so they should go home. So now she's getting bored of this place and should head home, she supposes. Even if she is reluctant to go home. So he takes her hand and she all blushes and shit and continues to be all "blah blah rar blah" and... they wonder how they are supposed to get home. She just kind of stares at the baby tree and she recalls Asuha's words on how you are totally supposed to kiss someone's forehead when you make up with them.

You kiss their lips when you need to make out with them. /rimshot

So she gets up and is all "we were fighting right?" and he's all "yeah well not really" and then she's like "well we gotta make up right?" and he's like "yeah I guess" and she's all "so we made up?" and he's like "I am feeling uncomfortable" and she's like "gotta do the thing" and he goes "okay we'll do the thing" and kisses her forehead. Cue magic.

Just wait until she finds out he banged her mom.

Then they are suddenly back home and everyone is all "oh god they were kissing!" and people freak out and the Sage is all like "well that's neat, Lotte's magic is back". GEE I WONDER WHY. Must've been from the kiss. Oh but there was no exchange of bodily fluids so what is going on here? Are they trying to write themselves out of the corner they've been painting themselves into this entire series? (Probably.)

Commercial break, and upon our return someone comes looking for Lotte but turns out she's out at the amusement park with Naoya because that's how they roll. Remember that vampire chick? She was totally gonna invite her to go but I guess now she'll just have to arrive stag. Until she realizes she's with someone from her harem which means Lotte was totally telling the truth at the party. How scandalous.

Of course this makes her mad and then Asuha feels hurt because she's like "man I wanted to go how come he gets to go" and so of course, she goes on a date with a vampire (which will never end poorly!).

Oh Japan and your terrible Engrish. Never change.

So for some reason Lotte is actually wearing more clothes than she normally is since she's on a 'date'.

I guess she's wearing her school uniform or something. Anyway, they have ice cream and they show her eating it as erotically as possible, before making the obvious jokes that would be funny if she was like five years older.

Insert joke about being too easy here.

So he just kind of casually wipes it off with his finger and licks it off. Then she gets mad about how that's a thing lovers do, so she responds by... sitting on top of him.

This isn't the worst. It's still not KnJ bad. But it's getting there.

I need to point something out. Those cows? They are upside-down. You are literally expected to ride this thing while holding onto a cow's udder.

Ignore the fact that these cows have TWO UDDERS.

Ride those udders all day.

DID NOBODY THINK THIS WAS A COMPLETELY TERRIBLE IDEA?! CHILDREN ARE LITERALLY RIDING THESE THINGS AND NOBODY BOTHERED TO THINK 'HEY, YOU KNOW SOMEONE MIGHT LOOK AT THESE UPSIDE DOWN COWS AND THINK "BOY, THAT SURE LOOKS PRETTY WRONG TO ME"??'?!?!

ALL THE ?!?!?!?!'S. BECAUSE THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH FOR THIS.

Anyhow, Asuha and the vampire (whose name is Erika) are just casually strolling around the weirdest carousel every, which the other two have finally gotten off. Turns out they weren't looking for very long, and they're off to the food court, where cows with disturbingly large udders seem to be the mascot here.

Clearly I am here to suck on something. Fill in the blanks.

Erika is all like "well I had some tickets, thought I'd invite you" and she's all "yeah well I had some too and just kinda went" and then they were the bestest frenemies for life the end. Except it's not the end because they're looking over at Naoya, and she's all like "so how far did you two get yet?"

Boy that's not awkward at all nor COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE FOR A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD.

*slams head on keyboard*

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HRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGH!!!

GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP PLEASE.

*wailing in agony*

You'll have4 to exuse me for an hur. AMre bork,



......

Now that I've taken some time to correct myself (which may or may not have required successive nut-punches), the show continues where Erika is all "oh so going through a haunted house is no problem for a mature lady."

... the real tragedy is that there's still five minutes left in this show, and I have to watch it. She's all like "you better not be touching me man" as she walks in with Naoya, and it is decidedly not very scary at all, but of course she is terrified. Running off by herself she looks ina  mirror and then ghostly things shoot out, and then everything tries to scare her and she winds up crying. Then they come out and she's all crying and shit because she kind of pissed herself.

YOU ARE NOT HELPING HERE.

Naoya takes her hand and they run off to the bathroom, where she can get a change of underwear that he just happens to have. Why?

This is not helping your case any, you creeper.

So off they go and Asuha and Erika are like "whoa." So they walk off and decide to do other things while a nearby cow realizes that Asuha totally isn't wearing any panties. Thanks to a very casual wind blowing past.

SERIOUSLY THESE F***ING COWS MAN.

Elsewhere Lotte and Naoya find a bench to sit on, which they do in very grim silence, until he's all "let's go to the ferris wheel!" and off they go. Because y'know, ferris wheels are totally never romantic in anime.

So off they go to see the sights, but at least they can see the whole park from up here. Then she's all "why am I such a childish brat?" Why is he putting up with her on a date like this? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that it's his job.

Literally it is his job.

I am not sure I like where this is going.

So Naoya gets up and takes her hands off his face and he's all "I have a confession: I was the same way." He never told his daughter, but that's okay because it can be their secret. So she's all "oh I'll just have to stop before I'm 12" and he's all "well if you do that, you can totally tell Asuha about this".

And then everything was okay again. They enjoy the rest of the ride together and peaceful music plays and the sun sets over the park, the end.

Except for the part where they go back home and guess who's decided to move in?

She is the man in the moon I guess.

Why did she choose to move here? Oh, so she could see Naoya anytime she wanted obviously.

Cue the laugh track.

WAIT NO NOT THE LAUGH TRACK NOT THE
LAUGH TRACK.

So is totally his lover now.

End episode.

Finally.




..... f**k you guys.