Sailor Moon R Episode 23 - Awaken, Sleeping Beauty! Mamoru's Distress

Oh god, it's that time again already? I just keep writing these things, but it seems like it'll never end. Sure, I'm halfway through R at this point, but that means I'm only halfway through R at this point. It's like deciding to drink a glass of milk in one go, and realizing halfway that was a really stupid idea.

Come to think of it, I guess that just describes this blog in a nutshell. A really stupid idea.

Seriously. I complain about all this horrible stuff I force myself to watch, and my friends are all "why are you doing this to yourself?" and all I can say is, hell I don't know? If I'm not making people laugh (and I hope I'm doing that or I am really doing it wrong), then what's the deal?

I'm going to keep using the 'super-in-depth critique' excuse. Because nothing says tearing a show apart by watching a series in its entirety and breaking down everything that is horrible about it.

Or maybe I really do want to drive myself mad. Who knows.

Enough of that shit let's get on with the show.

You would think that after almost seventy episodes someone would have thought to actually change the opening song to this, but nope, you'd be completely wrong about that. But you know what? I'm going to say, to hell with convention, I'm just going to summarize this entire episode in a single image.

Clearly he knows he's going to marry your sorry ass
and has to take advantage of as many young
girls as possible before that happens.

Yep, he rides off on a bike, Sailor Moon goes Chibi, and Tuxedo Mask on a motorcycle. The end.

.... whaddya mean I still gotta watch the damn episode?!

So it opens up with a lovely image drawn from some sort of book, all about the tale of Sleeping Beauty where the prince finally finds her in the forest of briars and all that. He gives her a kiss and happily ever after and oh sorry Usagi, but your miniature is bored to death of this story. Kissing is boring. Romance is boring. Your life is boring.

What's her deal anyway?

Yeah it's not like you aren't going to read her that same
damn story like a thousand times over or something.

The stupid rabbit, of course, ignores the fact that the kid has heard the story a billion times and continues reading, before figuring out that the kid fell asleep. She's probably dreaming of something nice. Like how her mom is slowly dying in the future because of the evil aliens from the planet that is an evil moon.

Curse those evil moon planets.

Anyhow after the title slide we get to see Mamoru dreaming of that cursed Moon Princess and that getting married dream and that whole OH GOD I AM GOING TO MARRY THIS WOMAN WHY AM I SUDDENLY REMEMBERING THINGS THAT HAVEN'T HAPPENED YET. Seriously, this man's memory is so broken, it's showing him shit from the future. Then there's an explosion and she's gone and he's all sitting in the mist crying, and then someone tells him not to get close to Usagi. But who is this mysterious disembodied voice that sounds exactly like him? Who?!

Well whoever it is they're all "yo man, seriously, I am telling you, stay away from that chick if you want this planet to live". Which sounds like a pretty rad idea if you ask me considering she's like eight years younger than him or something. I mean, you're only in college and she's in middle school so that's not creepy at all.

Eventually, he starts to crack and just starts yelling at himself.

Seriously it's like you're trying to tell me some super
important shit or something and it's annoying!

Eventually he wakes up to that lovely crescent moon and he's all freaking out over Usagi, and starts having some super f***ed-up hallucinations. Which only seem to continue by quite literally seeing her everywhere. In fact, he's seeing her everywhere so much that she just flat-out shows up suddenly to talk to him about how it must be destiny that they'd meet together so early in the morning.

He decides to change the subject to bubblegum, and what she's revealed. Which is nothing so he decides, to hell with this, he's off for a jog to go hallucinate elsewhere, as she screams about forcibly winning back his love somehow.

Oh, and then some dude we haven't seen in like a billion years suddenly shows up to remind us that yes, he is, in fact, still a character in this show, but he's only getting paid like, five bucks so his appearances are very limited in this season due to 'budgetary constraints'.

Yeah remember this guy? We haven't even been to
an arcade at all this entire season.

His buddy is all "dude, what's the deal man, we're like besties so why are you so damn depressed?" Then Mamoru decides to come clean and tell him what's really on his mind.

Stick your dic- wait is this a trick question?

Of course, no sooner does he ask that than a pretty girl brings him his sundae and calls him by his name.

Meanwhile, Usagi and company are all eating creamsicles in the park. They want to know what pinky said about Crystal Tokyo, while the cats fight over what I can only assume is Ami's creamsicle. Don't they know that shit is bad for cats??

Actually, they just want to prevent Starbucks' rise
to power. I can see where you'd get that idea though.

Then Usagi asks what is probably the smartest question she will ever ask in her entire life.

Do the words "jail time", "statutory rape" and "child
molestation" mean anything to you?

Anyways, while she's off dreaming about some guy who clearly cannot display enough how much he dislikes her, everyone else is going "dude, we have more important shit to deal with". Then some dude rolls up on a bike that disturbs their lovely concentration session, and who does it turn out to be?

Oh look. It's Tuxedo Asshole.

He all shows up with some other girl and she's all "hey, who is this girl?" thinking she's related, and he's all "yeah, doesn't matter, she's younger than you and that's all that's important, I'm outta here".

Then the girl is all "who's that?" and he's like "ah, just some chick, let's roll." Then zoom they go down the sidewalk, leaving poor Usagi there to cry alone.

Of course, as he's all driving off like a boss, he starts hallucinating while driving and is all "I gotta find out what that dream is about" and then, y'know, casually closes his eyes while driving a motorcycle with a passenger on his back. No big deal. They ride off into the sunset.

Later that night, Usagi is preparing a binge eating fest at the fridge, with Luna looking on in horror, thinking she was going to be a burglar or some shit. So she's all "you gonna get fat" and then Chibi-usa shows up all tired and shit in time to hear her go "who cares if I get fat, nobody likes me anyway boo hoo Mamoru."

You've been trying to date the guy how long and
didn't know? Well, that's understandable, he is a dick.

Chibi-usa looks on in horror, hearing that he has a girlfriend, and decides to run out of the house and over to his place to confirm this. Because hey, the safest place for an eight-year-old kid? It's on the streets of Tokyo in the middle of the night.

Toooooootally safe.

Of course, she narrowly misses getting hit by the truck but decides to do that thing where she tells everyone in the city exactly where she is by crying, and of course even Usagi can tell something is up. Then the bad guys are all "wait she's where?" and then some ladies show up to give the girl trouble. Cue people running around in pajamas while enemies hover after them all menacingly.

That awkward moment when you realize you can't fly
faster than a little girl can run.

So Usagi decides to say to hell with the whole hiding thing, she's just gonna transform right in front of Chibi-usa as she's being chased and eliminate any possibility that she might be ignoring the fact she's been shacking up with Sailor Moon at this point. Even though it's pretty obvious she should have known. Somehow the ladies don't manage to see her coming though, and drop the little girl because of a little cat scratch fever.

That was an incredibly witty joke and you should be
proud of me for making it.

Then there's the speech about how two grown women picking on a little girl is wrong, and... I can't argue against that. But then Akumuda shows up. She's got something to do with dreams I bet, considering that seems like the one word she can say. She can't even say her own name... just "Dream".

That's not going to get annoying fast.

It's time for a commercial break.

So anyways, this chick has a big horn coming out of her forehead and emits a ray which I guess she wants to use to put the girl to sleep. Then Luna is all "look out" but it's hard when she is already in the ray. Hard to miss it at that point.

Sailor Moon just kind of casually falls asleep from eating too many snacks, and now there's nothing stopping the little girl from being killed, except for those other four warriors who just sorta show up now.

They are so smart.

Then the girls call them cowardly for 'running away' when all they do is jump straight up into the air, hover in place while they talk, and then promise that Akumuda will deal with them before vanishing. So here comes the hypnosis thingy.

Well at least this one is slightly more talkative.

So everyone kneels down but then Mars does her burning talisman thing, which causes the monster to vanish into a puff of smoke, leaving them able to check on Sailor Moon. Oh but she's going to keep dreaming thanks to the monster which just decides to, y'know, enter into their leader's body and absorb her energy. Then we get the inside scoop on what goes on in Sailor Moon's mind.

Okay. I won't lie. This is actually f***ing adorable.

So all the girls are all slapping Sailor Moon in the face and calling for her to wake up and get a grip while inside her dream, she's all crying out for ghostly Mamoru and floating around an ocean in a raft, and Luna remembers that she was just binge eating due to love, and goes running off.

Every cat owner is familiar with the midnight nutsack leap.

Luna breaks into Mamoru's place to ask him to please wake the princess because, um, he's her only hope? Which really only kind of makes sense in context when you consider that every time he shows up as Tuxedo Mask, he grants her the power to magically overcome whatever adversity she happens to be facing. But in this case, they're just trying to re-enact that one scene from Sleeping Beauty just because.

But he's all "I dunno I mean I keep having these dreams where I tell myself in a disembodied voice that we're going to break the world" and she's all "But you've loved each other in how many lives?" and he's like "well actually we only knew each other for like five minutes..."

"Well the truth is... she's too old for me."

He sits there in a dramatic fashion until the cat tells him she's gonna die, and off he rides on his bike all asking her to stay alive until he gets there. And then? Then the best goddamn thing in the world happens. That's not even hyperbole.

KAMEN RIDER.

Then there's some more adorableness that suddenly turns sickeningly disgusting.

Congratulations here is your nightmare fuel for today.

Outside the girls are still taking turns slapping, shaking, and crying over her, and then who shows up? KAMEN F***ING RIDER THAT'S WHO. He walks over like a boss and is all dramatically holding her and shit, then he decides to say f**k that damn dream, she just called out my name and I'm going to say sorry now and totally kiss you while you are unconscious and suck out that evil demon. Now she's awake and there's sparkles and shit, and Mercury gives the bestest scienceriffic explerations ever.

I don't recall hearing Huey Lewis anywhere...

Sailor Moon is all "oh you're warm" and he's all "oh yay" and then storybook time and Chibi-usa is like "wow it's just like the story". Then the monster comes out and pulls on her horn revealing she was actually holding a sword blade in her goddamn skull. Holy shit that is some kind of hardcore that is completely unheard of in this show.

Of course the monster is mad, so it's going to do everything it can to tear these lovers apart, cutting Tuxedo Mask just a little bit. But then Sailor Moon proclaims she won't forgive the monster and heals it to death. Or whatever it is her Moon Princess Elimination is supposed to do. Ashes to ashes dust to dust etc etc and Tuxedo Mask is all "that was awesome" then he remembers the whole hallucinations thing that keeps happening to him and he's all "uh wait no I mean I don't love you where are you getting this shit from".

You could almost start to feel sorry for her... almost.

Of course his always saving her and stuff has nothing to do with the fact that he even likes her. He just dresses up like some weird count-looking douche throwing roses and kissing unconscious girls because... uh... because... he's messed up in the head? Considering all the mind-wipes and memory alterations he's been through, that's actually a pretty likely scenario.

Yeah screw that destiny thing.

He then just casually crushes one of his own roses and then Kamen Rides off into the night sky, leaving poor Sailor Moon there to just cry into the night, while he goes off to a pier to look up at the night sky and reflect on what a magnificent dick he's become. Just like Nephrite.

Oh shit did I just say that?

He then cries on his helmet and the next day, Usagi finds out who that girl from before was.

Suddenly I'm not feeling bad about that Nephrite comment.

Then she's all explaining that he was really helping her out by giving her a ride to go out with her own boyfriend. Which is awfully nice of the guy.

Clearly the most important question right now.

She seems to just kind of laugh that question off thought. After all, she's got some other dude, why would she want that hunk of man-candy?

... that doesn't really matter here...

But now she starts to think. If that girl isn't his girlfriend, why is he going to such incredibly great lengths to avoid her? To tell her that he doesn't like her, to quite literally come up with any excuse whatsoever to make her go away or to otherwise push her off and make her feel unwanted?

I love how the thought that he DOES NOT LIKE YOU
never even registers for some reason.

Now she's in a good mood and nothing is gonna stop her from winning him back and figuring out the secret the end.

If you'll excuse me, I need to find a good solid wall to bounce my head off of, because while the rest of this episode was actually really good, that last part just kills me because it sets up horribly unrealistic expectations of what love actually is and how it works. Not to mention it seems to positively portray attempting to maintain a stalkerish relationship when the other party continues to tell you to please kindly f**k off already.

They were right when they said this show was corrupting our youth.... I just never realized why until now.