Sailor Moon R Episode 22 - Protect Chibi-Usa! Clash of the 10 Warriors

You know, maybe I really have been too hard on Sailor Moon. I've been talking to some folks on this thing called the "internets" (you may have heard of it, it's all the rage these days). I asked the same question I've been asking myself for well over a year, since I started this damn thing, and got an answer that actually... well, surprised me in that it was incredibly well thought out.

See, while this show may not have been the first of its genre (Cutie Honey takes that crown I think), or even the best (see: Cardcaptor Sakura, Pretty Cure), it did seem to hit at just the right time and place. What made it stand out from the other shows? Well, it had a storyline that seemed to go from one episode to the next, giving you a reason to want to keep watching.

People have also claimed that by making the characters assholes who 'still do the right thing' makes them easier to identify with... which I suppose does make a lot of sense. But what's even more mystifying is the market they were trying to reach was incredibly wrong. They were trying to cash in on the toy market (what show wasn't?!), but instead of airing it at a time children were likely to be watching, they seemed to be shoving their show off to the early teens. Which is fascinating.

Of course, this still doesn't justify that everyone in this show is an idiot. But okay. I'll try to go a little easier on it, bearing some of this information in mind.

... I bet I won't make it twenty minutes before I'm screaming at my monitor.

I'm kind of curious to discover what other types of anime appeared in the early 90's, but it seems like it will be an incredibly difficult subject to research. I was hoping maybe I'd have something else to compare this to (besides PokeMon), but we can't all win I suppose. If you can help in any way with this, I'd appreciate you drop me an email or leave a comment.

Anyways, onto the show, I've derailed quite enough today. Today's episode is, of course, all about Chibi-usa. Where did she come from? Where did she go? Where did you come from Cotton Eyed Joe? Also, there's some stuff where all the ladies come jumping after the girl, and the scouts show up for the Ultimate Showdown with the Dark Moon Clan. Also, no forgiveness. Such drama.

This episode opens with a wonderful image I'm sure Lewis Caroll would have loved.

That's not very subtle is it.

Turns out some folks is getting hitched. Who is it? Mamoru and Usagi, of course. All getting sprayed with the champagne, until someone realizes she's just having a dream and it's damn cold out. Then she wakes up and freaks out, for some reason. What's the big deal?

Oh, she just kind of peed in her sleep. No big deal.

This looks like it was drawn by an eighth grader.

So somehow, over all the months that Luna has known Usagi, she's somehow managed to miss the fact that she still wets the bed sometimes. Cue the amazing close-ups with enough sweat droplets to drown the city of Tokyo.

Gonna need a mop bucket for all them drops.

Oh but hey, it turns out that it's not Usagi at all.

This really just doesn't make it any better.

Whoops, forgot I kind of had a little girl sleeping around my legs. Stupid me.

Then she screams at the little girl for piddling in her bed.

After the title slide, we slip on in to Rubeus' Realm of Rage, where that old cloak dude with a crystal ball is all showing us what is up. He comes with a prediction about where energy can be found next. But not just any ol' energy, oh no, for you see, this one is going to come from the rabbit. Obviously this is important, and since it's by "a pedestrian bridge in the Juban area", I'm pretty sure they have a lot of area to cover. So Rubeus goes with the smart bet and decides to force everyone to pitch in on this one. A stunningly intelligent move.

Oh, and he also asks how shit is going in the future. Y'know. Casual-like. Because, well, that's how this shit works am I right? Yeah. Time travel is bullshit.

I'm sure it's all due to cosmetics and ice cream, and not,
I don't know, FIVE GUARDIAN SOLDIERS.

Sorry. Is my rage voice coming out a little bit too early? Okay. Tone it back. That's right. We're giving this show a pass. After all, it's not its fault it is terribly written. Or that the characters seem to lack individual personality. Or that they contradict themselves from one episode to the next. Or that these plots are so mind-bogglingly stupid it's amazing someone read this and went "hey this is brilliant let's put it on TV".

Damnit. I'm doing it again. Okay. Let's try this again: The guys in the past aren't f***ing up the future enough, so hop to it Rubeus. It's time to focus on the source of this energy.

... it's exactly what I just said it was. Four warriors from Crystal Tokyo. Siiiiiigh.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the man in charge
of your evil empire's task strike force.

So Wiseman, cloak-dude's name, is all "find the crystal. Break it. ???? Profit." Then he ollies the outie, and he calls a meeting with the sisters.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Usagi is beating her mattress with a wooden stick because that's what they do in Japan, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't really do anything for urine stains.

Her brother is a jerk, and doesn't believe Chibi-usa is to blame, and of course she just runs off when Usagi tries to talk to her, and she decides to cut the kid some slack, since Luna is all "aw it's cool she's just lonely, I mean, of all the people she could've crawled into bed with she chose your sorry ass". Then straight up insinuates that she's being a bitch for yelling at a kid like that, and she should go apologize to her.

Yes because apologizing for being a bitch and going
shopping are mutually exclusive things.

Though, Luna has an ulterior motive for this: the kid is kind of a ticking bomb that could go off any moment. Best to keep it from going off. So they split up to go find her, despite the city looking awfully empty for some really strange reason.

Tokyo is looking awfully quiet these days...

She's all upset because yeah, she still wets the bed, and then there's some really weird-ass looking flashback that is literally all pink and black and white. I had no idea that was even possible but it would seem that it is for the purposes of this show.

Can you add just a little more pink? My eyes aren't
bleeding enough quite yet thanks.

In this flashback she's peed herself and her mom is all like "aw it's cool I have giant fairy wings so you know shit's gonna be just fine". Back in today she's all "I wanna go home" and she looks at the key, remembering what happened the last time she tried to use it.

But, eh, to hell with it. You're young. And stupid.

And then she accidentally'd the city of Tokyo. Whoops.

There's a bright flash and the key glows and stars are everywhere and it looks like she's actually managed to open the gate without screwing up this time. She only gets up about halfway before the pink cloud vanishes and then she starts crying for her mommy again, which causes her crest to appear, and your television to begin degaussing itself. I really hope you don't have epilepsy.

Nothing says shit is getting real quite like BRILLIANT
COLORS ASSAULTING YOUR EYEBALLS.

Of course you can see that shit from miles away, and turns out one of the bad ladies found her. Make that two of the bad ladies. Berthier and Koan are all "okay so we both found her but I guess we can say whoever kills her first wins". Wow, so very hardcore of you ladies trying to kill a little girl. But it kinda is their mission, so whatever. You'd think they'd be able to get the job done, what with leaving her nowhere to run, but Berthier manages to trip on Luna-P, but Koan is all "man whatevs I got this shit" and ninja flips through the air, only to slap away Luna-P like it's some kind of floaty ball thing.

Come to think of it... it is a floaty ball thing. What a terrible idea it was to try to use it as a weapon.

Though, two seconds later she gets attacked by a real cat named Luna, and uh, claws hurt a lot more. Berthier takes a moment to laugh at her sister's misfortune, but somehow gets taken out by the ball a second time. She is terrible at this killing kids thing. After kicking a cat the girls take a moment to fix their make-up, and then head after her again. Then we get treated to a lovely commercial break.

Afterwards the other girls and cat are all "man where is Usagi she is late," when all of a sudden a broken and battered Luna wanders across them, warning them about what's going on. This means the girls need to leap into action, and they're going to leave Luna in the care of one Artemis cat.

Oh he's going to take all kinds of care of her...

Now we see Chibi-usa running into a construction site that is, once again, completely devoid of people. Usagi sees this and decides to investigate because why the heck not. Construction sites are totally safe! She overhears the little girl crying, and then she catches the girl talking to Puu, that lady inside her ball. Who tells her to be strong because she has 'powerful allies', in that the Sailor Scouts always seem to be there for her. She's got some kind of chip on her shoulder towards them though, after all they've done... something... to her mom. Why, not even her dad could beat them.

Of course, this gets very confusing because those same warriors are also the ones protecting the city from falling to evil and also the same ones that helped look after her when she was younger. Holy christ how much younger could this kid be anyways? She's already eight! Also, the ball reminds her that those warriors are still protecting the city, so she should believe in Sailor Moon. Oh, and those other girls.

So having overheard all of this, Usagi is pretty sure she has a good idea of what's going on here: the evil guys beat her mom, and hurt her dad, and the future sailor scouts are all busy keeping the forces of evil from destroying Crystal Tokyo. Okay. Makes perfect sense. In that it doesn't make sense. But then Koan shows up saying she's found the rabbit, which scares both of them, and so Usagi decides it's time to transform.

One lovely little transformation sequence later, and suddenly the villain can't execute a child because Sailor Moon is going to punish her for picking on a poor defenseless girl who came from the future all by herself. Then the other girls show up and they all introduce themselves. Not only are they sisters, they're from the tenth planet.

The Dark Moon.

Just let that sink in for a moment.

The tenth planet. Is a moon.

But not just any moon. No. It's a Dark Moon.

You're welcome.

So they are the four Phantom Sisters, but it seems they're to be joined by those other four warriors. Y'know, the ones who rarely get to announce their names but today they manage to. You know what this calls for? AN EPIC FRIGGIN' SPEED LINE SEGMENT YEAAAAAH.

ROSES AND COLORS AND EPILEPSY YEAAAAAH!

So now they're all facing down and throwing shit and making things explode and I really hope you don't have epilepsy because my god the colors. Oh, and there's some crummy music while you get to basically watch a fight montage take place. Then Usagi takes a hit for Chibi-usa and all the girls are like "whoa wait what the crap?" and Rubeus is all "god you people are so freaking useless, I gotta do this shit myself". Then he's like "Let me tell you my brilliant plan and throw purple sparkles at you".

Seriously. Purple sparkles. The most dangerous kind.

But Sailor Moon isn't going to take this lying down. Instead she'll take it flying int he air. All while she remembers the little girl sitting on a swing, and then she's all crying and shit because Sailor Moon just got the shit beat out of her by a bunch of faerie lights, and she's all like "god, you are such an annoying f***ing brat, but despite all of that, I'm still gonna save your sorry ass because I've kind of gotten attached".

Though, not if Rubeus has anything to say about it, of course. Though, before he finishes them off, he decides to be nice enough to be surprised by Sailor Moon standing up again, despite the fact that clearly, he could've just blasted them to hell. Then a rose just casually flies to the ground, not even anywhere close to where he's standing, just enough to shock everyone and make them look up at the crane where Tuxedo Dick is all like "sup guys, I'm here now, don't mind me just gonna look all awesome, don't ask me why I spent five minutes climbing this thing it was totally f***ing worth it."

Or at least I will only tolerate them enough so that
I can look awesome saying I won't tolerate them.

So now Rubeus is all attacking him, and he makes the purple sparkles blow up with a hail of roses, and then has the gall to tell Sailor Moon 'she is the only one who can protect this girl'.

What, are you too good to do it yourself? I mean, you protect her, so adding a little girl she's always somehow getting stuck with is just too much responsibility for you?! Whatever. He tells her to go do her thing and guess what? She goes to do the thing. That thing she does every episode, almost always immediately after being told to specifically do the thing. So she Moon Healings Rubeus and the girls are all "oh shit" and he's all like "PORK CHOP SANDWICHES" and just leaves.

So now that this is all over, Sailor Moon asks Chibi-usa for the truth: She's really from the future, right? So what's with this tenth planet that is actually a moon and not even a planet? Who are these Dark Moon guys, and what's the deal with her mom? Then she's all crying and asks her to save her mom from the evil Dark Moon Clan. Because that's what her magic ball told her to do - get help from these guys.

So okay. We can do that, I guess. Next time though, because this episode is basically over.

But not before Wiseman is all talking about some weird shit, and about how soon the Queen will fall. She totally doesn't look familiar at all.

What a tweeeest!

So. You went back in time. To get your mom. To help save your mom. In the future.


And that guy you've been hanging out with and want to marry? That's your dad. Which is just all kinds of wrong (especially since he is ditching your mom to be with YOU). But here's the thing that really gets me:

Why do you have to get your daughter to go back into the past to get you so that you can defeat an enemy in the present that you, having become older and presumably more powerful, could not defeat yourself?!

Of course it probably boils down to "don't have the silver crystal anymore". Which... would actually make sense when I think about it.

... well shit. I just tore apart my own point against this show.

.... f**k.