Sailor Moon R Episode 27 - A UFO Appears! The Sailor Warriors Abducted

I missed you, Sailor Moon.

I missed you not because you are well-written (though admittedly the last few eps have been a treat), and definitely not for your charming character design or artwork (which, while passable for the most part, is still pretty atrocious overall). No, I didn't even miss you for your incredibly conflicted message of love and peace triumphing over incredibly moronic evil.

If I missed you for anything, it's the fact that you are one of the least horrible things I have to watch. Also actually having some form of character growth helps too. I think it's nice that our heroines are finally beginning to develop a thing we call 'personalities'. And it's nice that your values are completely mind-bogglingly stupid for once.

It is entirely possible I might have another new gem for you guys on Friday. But I'm reserving judgment until I've seen the first few minutes of whatever it is. For all I know I might just throw Lotte at you instead. I hear you people like reading about that.
For all I've watched this show, I'm not sure I've ever really touched upon the differences in the theme song from the original Japanese version to the translated English one. The US version is, well, all about SAILOR MOON. For she is FIGHTING EVIL BY MOONLIGHT and WINNING LOVE BY DAYLIGHT and NEVER RUNNING FROM A REAL FIGHT. Yeah, there's pretty much all of your reasons why I'm not watching the American version of the show.

The Japanese version, however, is way more interesting. While it is clearly a love song, it's also about remembering things by the light of the moon, it's much more romantic and clever, and pretty much singing the 'love story' between Usagi and Mamoru, hinting at how they are destined to be together.

Which is definitely a hell of a lot more interesting than the crap we go stateside. Anyhow, it still doesn't address the actual issue of them not really having had anything resembling a relationship in their past lives. At least, not according to the show at any rate. I'm hoping the Manga did a better job of that.

So now we get to today's episode. It begins with little Chibi-usa standing on a little pier as the autumn leaves blow past, and she starts freaking the hell out because shock and amazement, that thing she probably should have suspected this entire time is true - Sailor Moon is Usagi, and not only that, she is the one with the Silver Crystal. Oh, and Rei and all those other nice people are the ones that helped brutally murder her mom or something. Then she runs off crying and we see a giant glowy thing in the sky. What is it?

Well according to the title, it's a UFO. At least they didn't tell us what was going to happen in the episode before it happened. And considering how much of this season is left, I can only pray this is a trend that continues, because it is hard to be legitimately shocked by anything when they tell you exactly what's about to unfold over the next twenty minutes.

Though really, I guess the title slide does the job of the pre-episode preview so... yeah.

Oh gee whatever will happen this episode.

So we see the Tokyo Tower. Which is a thing I guess Rubeus enjoys looking at as he promises to himself that this time, he will not fail to kill a rabbit and destroy the silver crystal. Wait. I thought your job was to steal the crystal? Or is that what he means by "I will erase the Rabbit and the Silver Crystal from this world?" Maybe it's just a translation error? I dunno, Rubeus is kind of a dick and a moron so I wouldn't put it past him to completely screw up the orders he was given. He kind of goes out of his way to set himself up for failure.

Then there's some sort of creepy laugh and the mirrors shine to reveal... something in the middle of the room. It's a creepy Negaverse lady!

Oh sweet jesus is she neon enough or what?

Her name is Esmeraude, and good god just look at those garish colors. She giggles and walks up to him and is like "Oh so this is what Juban looked like back in the day? Man what a dump." She then wonders if she'll be able to manage here. See, it seems like someone has finally realized that Rubeus? He is kind of shit at the job he was given so they're sending someone who is hopefully more capable at doing what they are told. Instead of, I don't know, sending some really shitty minions out there to do your job and expecting to let them do all the work so you can steal the credit for it at the end. I mean geez.

So yeah, she's pretty much telling him he's done been fired, and he doesn't seem very happy about this.

Funny, where have I heard this before... oh right,
the four Phantom Sisters said the same thing!

Despite her utterly hideous appearance, I find myself liking Esmeraude because she keeps smack-talking Rubeus. She's all "oh he wouldn't give up on you? Well I guess you really must have screwed up because he's always so nice but boy was he pissed," and sort of casually laughs behind her fan. Oh, and then rubs into his face that not only did he let all of his minions go turncoat, and that he somehow hasn't managed to convert a single Crystal Point, he also sort of hasn't managed to find either of the two things he was supposed to find. So you know, there's that.

He starts to get really mad as she suggests that he probably doesn't even deserve to be a member of their little clique anymore, and invites him to go back home and talk to the prince himself. Though, I thought the whole point was that he couldn't go back to the future himself? Due to time travel? Did that suddenly get hand-waved away? Probably. Magic is bullshit after all.

So she heads back to wherever because I guess she's capable of just time traveling whenever the hell she wants, and Rubeus decides he's going to succeed where his minions have repeatedly failed. Because somehow, he is far more competent than them. Which begs the question: Why the hell didn't you try doing this sooner you dimwit?

Meanwhile down in Totally-Not-Tokyo Usagi is running around all bubbles and sunshine and look at that broach on her chest. She gets home and she's in some kind of rush, but Chibi-usa is all sitting there just casually staring at Usagi's chest because she is totally gonna steal that thing and save her mom.

Usagi is in a real hurry to go see her friends, and totally dodges telling her mom about the test she had earlier. Over at the shrine, people are talking about the weird UFO sightings in the area lately. What's up with this? Luna has no clue but it's gotta be something important. Our heroine arrives just in time to start pigging out on some cookies, and the other girls continue to get down to business, and deciding they have to keep that little pink-haired thief safe no matter what.

Speaking of her, she is making pancakes with Usagi's mom. And these are some serious damn pancakes.

Those are like actual slices of cake cripes.

I swear to god those things are so thick you could slap someone in the face and probably break their nose with it. That is some serious news. I can't even get pancakes that thick at goddamn Denny's. This woman is a wizard or something.

Anyhow the little brat comments on what a tough job the older woman has, what with caring about someone like Usagi without any sort of reward at all. She brushes it off as being the kind of thing any mom would do - after all, caring about your kids is the most important thing in the world.

Oh, and somehow, the pancakes manage to take on a life of their own because they begin growing.

Like holy crap take a few steps back little girl because
those will kill you if they fell on your head.

So the mom loves Chibi-usa too and probably has nothing to do with being brainwashed, and she heads into Usagi's room and notices that someone left her super magical broach behind. It's just sitting there! So she wanders over, takes hold of it, and starts feeling conflicted over this whole thing. On the one hand, Usagi is Sailor Moon, and she should be able to trust her, right? But on the other, she can totally save her mom with that crystal. What should she do?

Before she can decide Usagi comes back home, and announces she doesn't want any pancakes because she pigged out on cookies over at Rei's. This is the straw the breaks the camel's back, and Chibi-usa decides enough is enough.

Kid that's the thing I've been saying for the last 72 episodes.

So she yoinks the borach and Luna is busy scolding Usagi for forgetting the broach, and they freak out when it isn't where it was left. Then bubblegum there is running away and there's a shiny thing in the sky.

Meanwhile in his Fortress of Solitude, Rubeus turns around from looking at the city below and starts Skyping with Wiseman, who I guess has nothing better to do with his damn time.

Would it kill you to install Google Maps in that thing
to get some better directions? Seriously dude, you're
from the future. You've gotta have Google Maps.

He tells Rubeus that the rabbit has the crystal and he should go somewhere to the northwest, probably some woods or something, and do that thing he was supposed to do like, a dozen episodes ago.

Around the same time, Usagi tells her friends back at the shrine that Chibi-usa is a backstabbing little bitch and totally made off with her broach. They should probably find her and get it back. So off go the other four girls, while little bubblegum there stands at the place she first appeared, and holds the key high while she calls out for the Guardian of Time.

Nothing really happens though.

It might have something to do with the fact that the last
two times you tried this it didn't work well either.

She starts crying about wanting to go back to the future, and the city goes all weird, and then Rubeus shows up because while he may be incredibly f***ing stupid, he is at the very least not blind. And can sort of tell when you start warping reality with your ungodly high-pitched annoying shrill-ass banshee shriek of petulance.

Dramatic music and it's commercial time! So dramatic.

Then they play the fight music they've been using for the last fifty episodes and some Sailor Warrios kindly show up to save the little girl from the big bad rap- I mean the evil villain. Mars gets saddled with the little girl who is all "look Rei, I know it's you, just put me down arright?"

I may not have believed it the first two times I basically
had incontrovertible evidence, but this time I'm sure.

The other girls show up and she decides to diss them because they are all Usagi's friend, and the only reason they saved her was because they wanted the broach. Oh and while she's at it, she's stupid and not deserving of having the damn thing anyway, so take that people who just saved me who aren't getting thanked.

But the other girls are all "Yeah she kinda sucks but she's nice and is always worried." But to hell with that, they just let her run into traffic and damn near get run over. TWICE.

This kid flip-flops between badass and whiny brat. Seriously.

Instead of chasing after her though, they just kind of let her run off into an alleyway where nobody will ever find her.

Rubeus is all happy about this though. He knows she has the crystal, so if she tries to head back to the future, he'll know, so all he has to do is wait long enough for her to pretty much go "HEY EVIL GUYS HERE I AM!" and he will totally swoop in and kill a little girl and steal a gem and totally get all the hot princely buttsex.

I may have inferred that last part.

So the girls are all running around the shopping district, while Chibi-usa is like "man, these girls just aren't giving up", and she turns to the only person left: Mamoru. Who just happens to find her asleep at his front door, no big deal. Oh, and it's flashback time!

Gee those folks don't look familiar at all!

So four familiar-looking girls are dragging another familiar looking girl away from explosions and shit, and refer to her as "Small Lady", and are all "man this shit would be but a thing if only Sailor Moon were here".

Then the little girl wakes up to find herself in Mamoru's bed. Who has the most subtle sock-puppet ever, might I add.

Super subtle there pal.

She takes the rose and is suddenly happy, and he goes on with his stupid chibi-Tuxedo Mask spiel, until she asks about if Sailor Moon is strong, at which point he just gives up the act and is like "uh yeah, sure". Then he goes off to make her pancakes because I guess they're a thing this episode.

Guess who suddenly shows up? Usagi. Quick, better turn the ball into a parachute and jump out the window!

Mamoru loses so many girls this way...

Landing back in the square, she declares that she will totally make it to the future this time, and tries once more to open the gateway back home. The pink clouds gather and she begins floating up into the sky, but wouldn't you know it, something goes wrong and she vanishes into a black something. Then we finally get to see the giant spiky crystal ball of jagged-edged doom and lightning.

They're working on a better name for it. GSCBJEDL just
isn't quite as catchy as they had hoped.

So pretty much the entire city notices this shit, and the girls are all "oh hey is that Rubeus' UFO?" Then he just descends from the giant ship for no discernible reason, laughs about how this ship is going to take him to the future, and uh... fails to collect the only-halfway-conscious little girl lying on the ground.

But what a shame, he spent too long talking about how he was totally going to kill a little girl, and lets the other warriors show up, and he's all like "eh guess I'll kill you too whatever". They try to hurt him but he has a 'force field' protecting him, and pretty much sends everyone flying. They tell the little girl to run but dude has a friggin space ship at his command. So what better way to kill everyone that with a giant laser that slowly approaches their relative position?

Okay so it's not a laser, it's just a thing that... makes... gravity heavier? And despite the fact that it basically decimates the ground around them, the girls are somehow not instantly crushed by its power? Oh, and Mercury is making with the intelligent-speak again.

Mercury, will you ever tell us a thing we don't
already happen to know because it is OBVIOUS?!

Then Mars is like "we should do that thing" and they're like "we can't do it without Sailor Moon!" but they decide to do it anyway just because. So it's time for their Planet Power thing, with the hopes that it will be enough to let Chibi-usa escape. Magical bullshit energy is go! But Rubeus is all just "lol" while the little kid sits there, until Tuxedo Mask shows up to take her away. But it's cool because now Rubeus reverses gravity and... sucks up the Sailor Scouts I guess? Sad music plays as the other warriors vanish, and Usagi is now right next to Chibi-usa as her friends just kind of vanish.

Though, we all know they're not even dead. They just disappeared. So why all the heavy insinuation that they are somehow gone forever? I mean they're just in a giant spaceship, no big deal. Go get them back.

But then, something surprising happens.

I totally wasn't gonna slap her I promise.

Usagi freaks out and starts screaming at the little girl, Rubeus laughs, and the episode ends without anyone getting slapped.

Overall, I'd say this episode was about average. Not the best, but not the worst, and at least we're getting some plot progression, which is so far above and beyond how the rest of the show has been up until this point. So there's that.

That's all for today I guess. Tune in again Friday, when I decide to do... something. Hell if I know what it'll be though.