Sailor Moon R Episode 29 - A Mysterious New Warrior, Sailor Pluto Appears

So now that Astarotte is finally over, there's some question as to what I'll wind up doing next. After all I stretched that sucker out as long as I could, and frankly Pupa is too short to properly replace it, so I'll need something. Not entirely sure what yet, but I'm confident I can come up with something.

After all it's not like I have a list of like a dozen shows I should be watching or something.

Also, I may have just solved that little problem in the middle of writing about this. We'll find out next week.

It's a secret to everybody. Especially me.

Maybe it's the cold starting to make me sick or something, but I honestly got nothing to talk about in terms of the intro. Though, with that said, I am immediately interested in this episode because the first five seconds of the overview promise to make this the most exciting dramatic reveal of all time.

Definitely not someone that will show up ten minutes in.

Sorry, did I say dramatic? I meant to say anticlimactic. After all if you clearly show us what is supposed to be exciting how in the hell do you expect us to be, I don't know, SURPRISED when you try to blow our minds with the revelation that THERE IS ANOTHER SAILOR WARRIOR WHAT?

Yeah, way to screw the pooch there guys.

Anyway I guess this chick is going to tell us that, gasp, Chibi-usa is in danger! Oh and then some grim reaper shows up or something. Cut to Chibi-usa running through the void! Insert the occasional shot of some weird looking purple crystal for no reason, and then some grim reaper dude showing up out of a glowing hole in the ground. He's come for her! Dramatic reveal!

Eh, a poor man's reaper really.

So he promises to take her to where her mother is, and opens up his cloak to some stranger danger while we discover his body is just a tiny spinning purple crystal or something. Then the girl falls through space and suddenly we're looking at a city not on the moon, but for some reason posed directly in front of it... because I guess nothing says 'moon kingdom' like a giant moon constantly hanging in the background.

Seriously guys I know it's called the moon kingdom but really.

Then the kid cries out for her mother and the city explodes or something and we get the biggest spoiler reveal of all time: THE F***ING TITLE SLIDE. GEE I WONDER WHO THAT PERSON WE SAW IN THE OPENING IS OH WAIT IT ISN'T LIKE WE'VE BEEN SEEING HER IN THE OPENING FOR THE LAST FEW EPISODES OR SOMETHING. I WONDER IF SHE COULD BE SAILOR PLUTO I MEAN GEE.

Seriously, I think the goddamn comics industry keeps secrets better than these guys.

Anyway we open today's scene... uh. Somewhere? I have no clue where this is supposed to be taking place.

Am I the only one thinking that tower looks like a penis
squirting something out of the tip? Seriously.

I'm just going to call this place Penistopia or something for now. But we find out that this is the mysterious "dark kingdom" I guess because we then slide on into the throne room of Prince Douchetite, who is meeting with a couple of other people when suddenly his giant pillar turns purple and turns everyone into silhouettes.

Is it really necessary to remind us that it is evil? Or
legendary? Or... screw it that's just how this show is.

Okay so clearly the green-haired chick super wants the D because she literally says that every word he utters is like beautiful poetry. Holy crap. Yes, because stating the obvious is really super poetic. Wow. I know that all of the villains are supposed to have their own weird fetishes but... just wow man. Wow. But even more disturbing than Esmeraude is Saphir, Prince Dicktit's brother. Which... would technically make him a prince too?

Excuse me for a moment, I need to go laugh my ass off.

So. Saphir. He looks... practically identical to Mamoru for some reason. His hair is like, two shades away from being the same color, but other than that? Basically identical. In fact, in a dark room you'd have a hard time telling them apart because they both have the same face, the same eyes, the same hairstyle, and the same friggin' barber. Not to mention the exact same body type. So holy crap man, what is going on here?

Anyway Esmeraude is all like "yeah well whatevs taking over for Rubeus and I am going to sit here and laugh hysterically while the prince tells me to shut the hell up". Then gets embarrassed, and Saphir is all "yeah I know you're my brother but your plan is dumb, we don't need that stupid little girl or the Legendary Silver Crystal."

Yes, they are still appending legendary to that damn thing. It's like that's literally part of its name or something. Like it came off the assembly line and they were all "what do we call this thing? Well, it's a silver crystal but, hm, that just doesn't quite have the right ring to it... oh, I know! We'll call it legendary. Yeah, that makes it sound much more important! Legendary Silver Crystal. Genius!"

So this Saphir guy actually seems to be making a somewhat valid point, to an extent. He doesn't understand why if their Evil Black Crystal (yes they keep appending Evil to that thing... it's GOT to be a branding thing) is invincible they need to be wasting their time and energy to... well, you know. Go back in time. One would think they would have more important things to do. Or that if they can travel through time they could fix this shit properly.

Can I just say right now that I hate time travel? Not because I think it's dumb, because it can be done really well. See Back to the Future, Chrono Trigger, and probably Chrono Cross to an extent. Time travel can be done really well. It's just that most people don't seem to properly understand how it even works and therefore wind up tearing plot holes the size of a solar system in their works "because time travel".

Whatever. So Dimande calls in Wiseman who tells them their Evil Black Crystal isn't invincible so long as the Legendary Silver Crystal exists, so they need to find it and break it. Which makes Dimande get angry or something, and he gets out of his chair to look at the glowy pillar and then talk about how wherever the crystal's energy spread so too do their ambitions.

... I guess that's supposed to be deep or something? I'm not sure why this even needs to be said. I mean, hasn't your goal this entire time been to, y'know, spread the influence of your power?

Back in not-quite modern day world, the girls sit around pinky there wondering why she's having a never-ending nightmare, and Usagi is all crying like a little bitch because doctors got no clue what's wrong with the kid. Good thing she's able to tell us in her sleep that the evil people are coming to get her. So she calls out for Puu in her sleep, and the cat-ball's eyes glow all sinister like and I've got to wonder: Who the hell thought this thing WOULDN'T be completely creeptacular when they came up with its concept?!

Transforming Ball Cat is watching you masturbate.

So it just kind of floats around of its own accord, and suddenly, there's a girl! Inside a bubble thing. She gives the greatest introduction ever.

Gee what a relief.

I'm sorry. I have to stop here because I'm trying not to lose my shit over this. I am no one suspicious. That is the best way to introduce yourself ever. Next time you need to introduce yourself to a group of people in a time of crisis? Just walk up to them and be like "hey, I'm nobody suspicious, what's up?" I'm sure it'll go over great.

Anyway she introduces herself as *gasp* Sailor Pluto. Turns out she's in charge of the gateway of time and space. Which now begs the question if you can deal with time travel then what the hell are you doing letting all of this confusing bullshit happen in the first place because, good god. This also leads me into my number one gripe about time travel: The future and the present seem to be happening at the same goddamn time. There's never any explanation for why this is, other than "time travel". So why even bother calling it that? Why not just say some shit like it's a parallel dimension? That would make way more sense than goddamn time travel.

Okay seriously Luna do you know anything?!

Once again Luna proves that she is by far the WORST guardian ever. I'm sorry, weren't you from the Moon Kingdom? Aren't you supposed to know this shit? Like that, I dunno, there are other sailor scouts? One would think this is an important detail that someone of your position OUGHT TO KNOW. I mean you were only tasked with FINDING THE GODDAMN PRINCESS.

Oh who am I kidding it's not like she even knew what the princess looked like in the first place. I swear these cats are just useless except for coughing up magical items like hair balls.

So Pluto asks them to please help the "Small Lady" and that the "Evil Dark Crystal" is invading her mind. So to save her they will need to go into her mind, but she can help with that because in addition to being the guardian of time and space she's also a master of Bullshit-jutsu. She raises her staff thingy and a bright light appears and then they are all magically.... somewhere. Oh look a destroyed palace gee I guess it's that place we've seen before.

Yeah Epcot has seen better days.

Ami decides that this is probably Crystal Tokyo, in the future. Gee, that makes sense at least given you are inside the mind of a girl from the future. Giant logical leap there, Ami. What will you tell us next, that Oxygen is important to our continued survival?

GRIMDARK FUTURE OF MAN.

After avoiding all of the really obvious Warhammer 40k jokes, the girls hear Chibi-usa calling for her mother and sitting in an alleyway crying. So they enter the room she is hiding in and are all "hey we are here!" and she is all "who the hell are you assholes and why are you calling me that my name is Small Lady!" Clearly she doesn't recognize anyone, and Ami, again, manages to deduce that the Chibi-usa before them is the Chibi-usa before she met them. Because even though they are in a dream... it's time travel too.

... seriously. So the little girl goes running off thinking that clearly these unarmed girls and two cats are other enemies trying to... whatever to her. But then the reaper comes, and he's all "time to play tag with my scythe!" and somehow is incapable of striking down a little girl. But the other girls show up and it's time to transform as a team. Because they really need to pad this peisode out a little bit by filling a minute of them all transforming with stock footage. You know. It's a thing.

Now the Sailor Scouts show up talking about how it's rude to show up in someone's mind like this, and they will punish him. But hey he's a reaper so whatever, he's all throwing his scythe like he doesn't give a shit, and Mars and Venus are all making with the fires and the chains that have no effect because this is a dream world. Oh noes, now the villain gets to laugh and tell them the little girl knows why their powers have no effect. So... they send Sailor Moon after the little girl while they stay behind to... uh. Be totally ineffective? I mean literally, your powers just didn't even reach the guy, how exactly do you plan to delay him? Cut to commercial.

After the break, elsewhere in Crystal Tokyo, Sailor Moon meets up with the little girl who doesn't want to listen to the fact that they are trying to help the girl, because they're the ones who destroyed the city in the first place. Except that she still seems to think the Sailor Warriors are from the Dark Moon clan.

.... uhhh yeah how does that work exactly? But all it takes is for Sailor Moon to go "oh that's silly, we're here to protect you from those evil people, because we are warriors that fight for justice." Yeah because... that doesn't sound evil at all. Or like the kind of thing that an evil person would say.

... or the kind of thing an insane person might say. Oh boy.

So after spoiler alerting the little girl to what the future is supposed to be like, despite having come from the past, to the future, to tell a little girl that in the future she will travel to the past...

... f**k it.

My words exactly!!

However, despite still thinking like a perfectly rational human being, she decides to trust the girl anyways because she keeps being so insistent. Wait, you literally just re-met this girl like, not even five minutes ago. She hasn't been that insistent really, considering she JUST told you this story for the first time. But in return for that trust they have to help the little girl's mother, so they head to the Crystal Palace where her mother is sleeping. Oh but it's not that easy because some kind of Evil Black Crystal power is keeping a bullshit evil force field around it, so after telling Sailor Moon about that, she insists that her mother be helped.

But then she goes on to say that if she's scared, then she shouldn't be her friend.

... wait, your logic is that if you show someone how impossible something is, if they don't attempt it anyways they aren't good enough to be your friend? Even when you clearly demonstrate that attempting to do so will end in horrible explodey death?

... you don't have very many friends do you kid.

Speaking of explosions one of the crystal towers or whatever starts falling and the cats run up to tell her that everybody is in trouble. I guess trying to fight an invincible monster their powers have no effect on was probably a horrible idea. But now she has to runo ff to help her friends, and leaves the little girl in the care of the cats.

Meanwhile the girls are staring at the reaper when their leader shows up again, who tells them what is going on. They deduce that maybe if they can find a way to save her mother, maybe they might be able to fix what is wrong with Chibi-usa in the real world or something. But how will they get past the barrier? They dont' know but they need to kill the reaper.

Yeah, she actually says they need to kill the embodiment of death itself. Who then just casually throws his scythe at them in a wonderful move that somehow knocks them all to the ground but fails to actually cut anybody. As Sailor Moon slowly moves to her feet again, the cats ask Chibi-usa, who is just kind of watching from the sidelines, to please open her heart to everybody. Wait, what? No explanation of what you mean there? Okay, I guess we'll just watch Sailor Moon attack the Grim Reaper with a scepter.

No she is actually using that thing like a weapon.

But then the little girl yells and reveals her place, but Sailor Moon isn't going to let him get past her. So instead the reaper just sorta destroys the ground below them, completely ignoring the girl. Everyone screams for Sailor Moon or Chibi-usa, and the girl reaches out for our heroine who manages to catch her just in the nick of time before she falls. This proves they must be friends, right? As the girl hangs there, she's all "just let me go, I'm too heavy" and Sailor Moon is all "look I may have noodle arms but I am pretty sure I am strong enough to haul up an eight year old brat so shut up" and they have a tearful moment where the little girl remembers all kinds of things. Like how Pluto told her the sailor scouts would totally save her. Or that time she spent talking to Tuxedo Mask Hand Puppet about Sailor Moon.

Now there's a loaded question.

Sailor Moon asks her to just trust them, and then the Reaper appears behind her and she screams, literally, "Please kill him, Sailor Moon!"

Wow, when did the Sailor Warriors become all about the killing of people? I mean geez, this kid has some serious issues here. But then the royal scepter comes into play again as a practical tool, and uh, I guess everything will be okay as the triumphant music plays?

As impractical as this looks, even I have to
admit it's kinda cool.

So then Sailor Moon goes Super Saiyan. No, seriously, she gets the magical glowy aura thing going on and drives her opponent back, then spends a moment of triumph just kind of lording it over him while looking like a goddamn boss.

Not gonna lie that is actually kind of intimidating.

But the glowy thing fades, she declares she won't let him have his way anymore, and magical scepters him to death with the only move she seems to know these days. Now that the villain is banished from her dreams for good, the whole group heads into the palace where they see what I can only describe as a crystal sarcophagus.

Gee this looks pretty friendly and inviting.

Turns out that's where the kid's mom is sleeping. Inside the crystals. That's... disturbing to say the least. Then the world fades around them in the typical anime melty multi-colored screen background shift, and they all wake up in the real world. Pluto thanks them for managing to succeed, and informs them that the kid will be just fine. So she wakes up and is all "I slept well." And is wondering what the heck Pluto is doing there. She wants to go back to the future, but is informed that she can't go back yet. After all, the enemies will be coming back to this time period with another evil plot.

Actually that IS protecting the future. Which is your current
day. So don't refer to it as the future. Goddamn time travel.

She then asks them to please keep watching over the kid and asks them not to let the Silver Crystal out of their sight, and leaves them be. Which prompts Sailor Moon to ask who she is... which is something they clearly explained at the beginning of the episode... and Chibi-usa crying because... well, you know. She just does.

Oh, and of course this gives the girls a new goal, which is really just the same goal but with the idea that they have a clearly defined goal now. Which is protecting the future. Which uh...

... yeah.

.... so basically the only thing this entire episode added is the identity of Sailor Pluto, while not really clarifying anything else. Progress!

... time travel is such amazing bullshit. Especially in this show. I fully expect it to just get worse. And even more confusing. This is going to end poorly, I can tell already.