Free! Eternal Summer Episode 03 - The Butterfly of Farewell!

I f***ing love the Internet.

Let me explain. I mean, it's nearly everything a person could ever want, all right there for you to just reach out and grab. It is the best and worst humanity has to offer all at once, and has been used to topple governments and help find cures for disease.

But the thing I love most about the Internet? Is that it lets me glimpse into the inner minds of other human beings, and sometimes makes me laugh unlike anything I've ever encountered.

Remember when I said I like looking to see what keywords lead people to my blog sometimes? Yeah well, I think I have a new winner for this month.

"prepare your anus cause this rape train has no breaks anime"

Thank you, Internet. F***ing thank you to death. Because this is exactly the kind of shit I needed to read before tackling the next episode of Free!

It's like you're reading my mind too. How sweet~

Alright then, Gay Swimming. Or Gayer Swimming is it now? Maybe Gay Swimming: The Gayening. I dunno. SHOW ABOUT BOYS SWIMMING, WOW ME TODAY WITH YOUR AWESOMENESS.

It begins... with tears.

Not even five seconds and they've cranked the Gay up to 12!

That one annoying guy is all "hey I am super sad we won't be roommates anymore" and Rei is like "seriously dude you knew this was coming and why are you even crying about this shit anyway?"

I guess Rin has to move out but the other dude doesn't? I have no idea how the dorm room system is supposed to work. But I'm going to just guess he's moving in with that other guy who has totally wanted to ride his chattanooga choo-choo all the way to choco-town.

... yeah I'm just going to abandon that line right now and move along. But before Rin leaves he's all "hey take care of the other new annoying character? Thanks I'm out of here" and the carrot top runs in and is all "HEY AWESOME LET'S MAKE OUT!"

He prefers to be on top. But doesn't mind being on bottom
every now and again.

After Nitori goes "uh sure" dude immediately proceeds to leap on the BOTTOM bunk and start humping the shit out of it as he goes all introspectively emo for some reason.

Then again, I'd be kind of emo if my new bunk buddy started humping my mattress within 30 seconds of him moving in. I mean that's just kind of rude. Meanwhile, my other prediction comes true because let's face it, how could it not?

*sniggers uncontrollably*

Of course the new boys have to fight over everything, but just as they're about to Rock Paper Scissors up in this bitch, a flyer comes flying out for the "Iwatobi High School Festival".

WHY IS THE DEMON BIRD STILL A THING?!

New Dude is all "hey bro, you should see your sister once in awhile or something?" and of course the Captain's brother and his new tagalong bust in and he's all "DID YOU SAY GOU? I LIKE HER BOOBS!"

Unfortunately, someone must have forgotten to tell him that he's the new Token Straight Guy. Because everyone else is clearly gay. Rin goes to drown the newcomer in the pool and we're over at the festival which he is clearly not going to attend because reasons.

Speaking of Gou, she's all "we need to use this to win new members! So we're going to have a swim-off against other clubs because somehow that will make us look more awesome."

The boys are all up for this so LET'S GET THE ROCKING NEW INTRO ROLLING.

Y'know what I love about this second season? They stopped reminding us that this is a work of fiction. See, that's a huge improvement.

Anyways the episode starts up again and turns out, that 'relay' is not a swim-off, but an actual relay race. Which seems kind of unfairly rigged when you consider the track team are pretty much the masters of this thing. But it makes sense the swim team wants to show up everyone else and do their best. That said, I think they kind of missed the point of the contest.

... who the f**k wears full Kendo gear to a track race?!

Everyone gets ready and set and oh good god Haru goes into his little soliloquy about "the air is also alive". He even goes into glitter time as everyone watches him beautifully striding forward and.... well, pretty much performing underwhelmingly.

Oh hello again Gou's pointless friend without a name!

Haru passes the buck off to Mako who gives it to Nagi and nearly fumbles the handoff, meaning they get all the way in the back again, but last up is Rei who is all calculating shit. Also, remember how he used to be on the track team? Yeah that's why he's last I guess. He snatches victory from the jaws of defeat, and nobody shows up to their victory party to join their club. I love Gou's reaction too. It's just priceless.

I want to frame it and put it on my wall.

Oh and the pool is open so it's time for them to get out there and do a thing where Haru just jumps in the pool. Or tries to but Mako holds him back long enough to make sure he's on board with the whole relay race thing. Also I guess Mako wants to enter Free swimming competitions as well, and they all laugh at Rei for still only swimming the Butterfly. He should be able to do the others though right, I mean it's not like he'll drown or something.

Then Mako says he thinks Rei's backstroke would look beautiful and oh good god he's doing the thing with glowing purple butterflies surrounding him oh god I feel so unclean. Cue the montage of him trying to drown himself swimming. But Haru provides some profound wisdom for the clearly depressed maniac.

Haru's patron should be a damn turtle, not a dolphin.

Now Rei is all standing in a library lamenting how he sucks compared to the others. He's always studying the swim books but would be totally outclassed by anyone new that showed up, and he can't keep up with the others' training because he sucks so whatever will he do? Will he forever be stuck with the Butterfly? But then some dude from the track club shows up and is all "yo dude that race was awesome you should come back."

Dude's probably got a point though. Bro can run a mile.

Back to the pool where other dudes are swimming, and Gou wonders if something is wrong with Haru, who decides to confide in her. Which is probably the dumbest thing ever but whatever, she regurgitates the plot for the entire season (new bro comes back to town because he got scouted by a pro swim team and wants to swim however the hell he wants) and we get the flashback where bro is all "I WILL CUT YOU IF YOU COME NEAR RIN BITCH!". Gou seems to think Haru is depressed because he isn't being scouted or whatever, and he's all like "meh I do what I want".

Really, I think the dude is depressed because he has no parents. Seriously, he has none. Dude lives by himself. In a bath tub. That's some pretty sad shit. This isn't going to dissuade Gou from trying to push him to be better though I guess, and now we get an after-swim shower were Rei contemplates why he swims.

After school, Rei decides not to pal around at Haru's place with the others because he has 'errands' to do. Cut to Rei falling asleep in class and Nagi being a dick and waking him up suddenly. After class Nagi tries to invite him to do things and he's all "got shit to do again", and Nagi feels a little bit spurned. MONTAGE OF BEING SHOT DOWN TIME.

More Rei sleeping in class and Nagi is sure something is seriously wrong with Rei. He's not staying at home on Sundays to study either so what is up? But then Gou spotted him looking at a sweets shop so what's going on? Why their old swim teacher has all the answers.

I hate how laughably melodramatic this show is.

His answer: Rei clearly has a girlfriend now. WHICH MEANS HE HAS NO TIME FOR YOU PUSSIES.

If you say those who like buttsex and those who don't...

... I think I'd have preferred mine instead.

So what is the team to do about this? What if he quits the club? Gou will make sure this will never happen, and gives him a shitton of books about love and shit and totally leaves him wondering what in the name of Christ this is all about.

She explains it in the span of a single jump cut and he's all "lolwut no love is dumb what are you thinking". So why in the world would he be looking at cakes? Well.. uh, he just... really likes cakes? I mean what's so wrong with that? Shit I like cake. I would probably go into those little cake shops and be all "GIVE ME THE THINGS NOM NOM NOM."

But then she begins to pressure him. Where's he been sneaking off to after practice lately? What's going on with him? Something not very beautiful, he claims, a thing so horrible he dare not even utter it. Speaking of he needs to go take care of said business!

Now Rin is eating a cookie and the new annoying character busts in and nearly pops wood seeing Rin laying on his bunk.

... no, that's not even an exaggeration he legit thinks Rin is a chick because he starts staring at his chest going "cleavage..."

... he just legit said that. Oh my god.

Then dude sees the cookie, asks if he can have some and OH GOOD CHRIST AVERT YOUR EYES OH MY GOD.

NO. NO. NO. JUST NO. KILL IT WITH FIRE. DO IT NOW.

Then we leap over to see Gou talking to that guy from the track team and going OH NO WHAT IS THIS. WHY IS THIS OTHER DUDE SO BEAUTIFUL. I mean WHY IS REI HANDLING HIS VOLLEYBALLS? And immediately tells the others dude is in love with another dude. What dude? Leave it to Gou, she'll show you!

Oh you mean the one with two legs?

Turns out, he's the captain of the track team. What a shock! Obviously dude must be thinking about jumping ship, so they should keep this from happening at all costs.

Which means... it's time for an intervention.

YOU ARE LATE TO SWIM CLUB AND MUST
PAY WITH YOUR BODY OR SOMETHING.

Bro is late to swim club and Mako decides to shame his teammate by saying that, since Rei has stuff to do after swim club, practice for the day is cancelled so they can all have a meeting at Haru's.

... uh what.

So they have a meeting at Haru's where nobody talks about anything. Until they look to Gou to break the ice, and let's just face it, she's terrible at life so she says they're going to try a new mackerel recipe.

It quickly devolves into bickering while Rei just kind of sits there feeling ten kinds of awkward. But when he gets up to leave....

Son, you gon' get raped.

Nagi begs him not to leave the swim club, and gets all teary and shit, and the others chime in about how he can't go back to the track club. Haru adds in that he's pals with Rin again because of him, so he totally can't just ditch them like that because it would be totally unfair and this is the most emotion he will ever be able to convey and you wouldn't like it when he conveys emotion because then he starts appearing like a legit human being so please stay.

You're more of a girl than any girl I know, Nagi. Jeez.

After passionate words are spoken, Rei decides to set the record straight. He's not quitting the swim team. He was asked to join the track team but he declined, and he's totally never gonna quit the swim club, and now that that's all said, he's off to do his errand, with the whole team tagging along.

He shows up over at the other school because he's getting swim lessons from Rin, and trying to improve.

What no motorboating joke?

Rin comments that he's kind of surprised dude hasn't given up yet, and is kinda amazed that he's starting to improve so quickly, and Rei is all "well I thought one stroke would be good enough but I'll never be beautiful swimming like Haru, and now I realize that it's not enough so I wanna get better."

He then apologizes for taking up so much of Rin's time, but he doesn't mind - after all, he owes Rei a lot, considering he made him stop being a dick for five seconds to realize his bottomless love for Haru. I mean, to mend his friendship which he pretty much ruined from the start. I mean, forget he said anything he's an angry character grrr get back to swimming you loser!

It's time to get back to trying to surprise the others who all feel like dicks for ruining the surprise as they watch him swim for the rest of the night.

Then Rin goes back to his other roommate who is all "you're busy" and Rin is all "whatevs bro wants to swim super bad and I'm cool with it since he's serious."

Also today was the last day so it's no big deal right?

And because someone probably cares about those other two kids, Nitori walks in on his roommate uh... doing something no man should ever be caught doing.

I'm gonna hurl.

But Nitori dashes his hopes with a punch to the gut from reality: Rei is the one who made those cookies. Bro wanted to thank him and not totally ruin his form, so butterfly cookies packed full of nutrients.

Cut to Rei bragging about how awesome he is and slowly swimming across the pool. He's pretty pathetic and the others can't even really work up the courage to tell him how much he sucks or that they already knew about the surprise, but he demonstrates he can do ALL THE THINGS AND MAN AM I AWESOME OR WHAT?

I think you're like a three-legged puppy. Cute, but crippled.

His own inflated ego makes up for their lack of surprise and Haru just acknowledges he put in a lot of work and he cries in the pool and that's it.

Good god they've really cranked up the gayitude. Like, to dangerous levels of gay. THE GAYOSITY IS TOO MUCH.

... I'll stop talking now. I need to cleanse my body in oil. I mean. Take a shower with girly soap. I mean. I NEED TO GO DO TOTALLY MANLY THINGS.

... I hate to admit that this is turning out way better than last season by totally embracing its ridiculousness and dropping all pretense of being a serious show.