Sailor Moon S Episode 13 - The Pure Heart Stolen! Usagi's Biggest Crisis

Boy has it been a weekend full of stuff. It could be the anime, or maybe something else but I just haven't been sleeping very well lately.

Maybe I should try taking an actual vacation one of these days. Maybe. Today I'm watching Sailor Moon again. At least it's an improvement over the rest of the series though, so let's see how this amazing two-parter ends up eh?

It begins with Usagi reminding us about everything that happened last episode, which I don't mind so much prior to the intro - I like it when you give a quick recap of last episode now and again. At least I like it more than telling me what today's plot is about, that shit gets annoying.

Anyhoo blah blah intro blah blah title card okay episode is finally starting.

So to recap, Tuxedo Mask is trapped in a block of ice, the other Sailor Scouts show up to save the day, and Usagi is broachless and revealed as being Sailor Moon. So what does Kaorinite do about this? "Uh yeah so I'm not dealing with this right now, come to Tokyo Tower if you want your boyfriend loooool."

At first glance this seems like a dumb idea, but I get the feeling she just wants to set a trap using some bait, so I can't be too mad about it. After she vanishes, those other two jerks are seen running off and the girls are all "huh what's up with that I wonder", and Jupiter is all "man what assholes they just wanted her heart".

Mercury is all "it's  taaaarp" and Usagi goes "don't care gonna Hero anyway" and off they run to Tokyo tower. Oh but who should Usagi run into but Haruka and Michiru who just happen to have a car. Sure, they'll give her a ride to Tokyo tower, why not! Totally leaving behind everyone else of course which is a brilliant plan.

Also brilliant; No seatbelts. You're just asking for it now!

Michiru wants to know if Usagi has made up with her boyfriend, and Haruka is all talking about how humans have to make sacrifices and stuff which doesn't make any sense but hey, Michiru is all "let's pretend someone is keeping you safe from the shadows and stuff and sacrifices themselves for your happiness, isn't that cool?"

The point she's trying to make is that no matter what you do, your advancement means someone else has to step down. It's a dog eat dog world, baby. SUPER EDGY. And then it finally hits Usagi, what those other two Sailor Scouts were talking about and boy do they just happen to look a LOT like the girls she's hanging out with right now.

And, true to the magical girl genre, Usagi is always thinking of the little people, being one herself.

Presumably they just get squashed.

She even declares that if everyone were to stop being assholes and just work together, why surely they could come up with a way to avoid all of this that didn't require anyone to get hurt in the end. Well, except for the bad guys I guess? I mean the villains are usually the biggest assholes around so who cares about them anyway?

So they finally get to the tower, Usagi thanks her pals for the ride, and runs off by herself, with no powers or backup, while Haruka and Michiru debate whether this is really okay to let her run off and die. Haruka seems kind of okay with it but not really, and then the doors close behind Usagi and she gets told to get onto the elevator to heaven.

I guess the stairway was out of operation.

Somehow, those other girls managed to straight up teleport to the damn entrance to the tower along with the cats, and they are struggling with the metal shutters wondering how to get in. My favorite Jupiter wants to smash that shit down but Mars is being a downer and going "nah barrier brah ain't gonna work". Friggin Debbie Downer I swear.

So they'll just take the stairs instead.

.... uh don't you have to go inside to be able to use the stairs I mean...?

Then Luna is all "oh hey by the way Venus no pressure but this shit is all resting on your shoulders so don't choke."

Back to the elevator, Usagi reaches the top and sees her boy still frozen in Carbonite, and since she doesn't care what happens to her, they get right to the heart extraction thing. But shock! Rose petals, Neptune and Uranus on the scene! And... wait a second that's not a talisman, that's just a regular heart! What gives?

Yeah you really should find a better way of tracking stuff.

So brightness of the heart just shows a heart's purity I guess, but doesn't dictate whether it is a talisman? So... uh, I thought the purest of hearts were supposed to be... y'know what, screw it. None of this makes sense to begin with, I shouldn't expect it to start now.

So Uranus gives Usagi her heart back, and they're all "hey you okay?" and Kaorinite is all "Well, I guess I should kill you and stuff since you're Sailor Moon" and then Uranus is all "wait you're who? SHIIIIIIIT."

... seriously how is it the BLONDE manages to figure this shit out before anyone else??

Ah but they manage a brilliant misdirect thanks to Venus cosplaying as.... Sailor Moon herself.

You really have to appreciate the little orange bow still there.

This has the unintentional side effect of Usagi asking herself what is even real, and it's an early commercial break!

... somehow her hair completely changed during the commercials.

I'm not sure how ANYBODY expected this to work, but that's what they're going with now so they may as well stick with it.

I'm sure the totally different hair and mismatched color scheme
has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Cue the shenanigans where they have to keep her from speaking because otherwise she will totally ruin everything.

Yes, look at how genuine they are being with this shit!

They start rubbing in just how a useless girl like that couldn't possibly be Sailor Moon, I mean come on people what were you thinking, and somehow this hilariously bad ruse seems to be working, with Kaorinite thinking that the broach she's hanging onto is a fake. Meanwhile, Usagi can't help but feel a little hurt that Venus is all "please bitches I'm so much more fabulous how could you ever mistake me for her."

Then Uranus and Neptune get up and are all "yeah well I guess we're done here so if you'll excuse us" and then the windows explode at them because Kaorinite is kind of a bitch like that.

Not that this stops them from leaving of course, and Kaorinite decides "eh, guess I'll ignore these losers and run after those two while I throw this useless thing down on the ground kekekeke". Then she leaves her monster to deal with everything else because that never goes wrong.

Now Uranus and Neptune start fighting Kaorinite, while that glass lady starts attacking those other girls with ice frost or something. Why, Venus even pulls out her old patented SAILOR KICK. Which breaks Senishenta's hand and forces her to pull out her warranty to make sure she's covered on that.

... god I wish I was joking about this.

I think Usagi's reaction to this is pretty much what ANYBODY would do in this situation.

Seriously this is so out of place.

But Luna brings over the broach to Usagi and the real Sailor Moon can finally show up complete with a transformation sequence. Which prompts her intro to be full of "THE REAL DEAL" written all over.

They went from "totally serious" to "who gives a f**k"
so fast I might be suffering from whiplash.

Oh and then Sailor Moon does a scepter thingy like immediately after she transforms.

Not even a fight just straight up murderlizing bitches today, man. One badguy lovelied, all that's left is the glass slipper and Tuxedo Mask gets freed from his prison, and they share a heartfelt embrace. And Kaorinite feels her Daimon die, and avoids Uranus' attack while scratching her shoulder in response. Then decides to start blowing up the tower because she's a bitch.

Meanwhile inside Sailor Moon is all "hey I know those guys are dicks but they kinda saved me once so we should totally help them anyways so we can all be friends." Which as you can imagine is enough to win over the others, but she begs Venus to please get rid of that ridiculous getup. Which Venus can't understand I mean she used the transformation pen and everything so what could possibly be wrong with it?

And back outside, things are getting hairy.

Come on I had to make that joke AT LEAST ONCE.

Then the real Sailor Scouts show up and talk about how important the Tokyo Tower is to saturday morning cartoons, and Kaorinite pulls out that other shoe and also an ampoule of stuff she was "researching".

Any excuse to recycle villains right?

Then the shoe turns into a sword and Kaornite is all "oh hey now I have Senishenta's powers loool."

She declares that she'll turn everyone into glass, and Sailor Moon is all "hey you are hurt Uranus you should run and let us deal with this" while the others are all "yeah get out of here I mean there's no Talisman here for you so just leave."

Which is true enough, and so they decide to walk off but Kaorinite isn't very pleased with this so she turns the world green and says they can't leave now. So it's time for Mars and Jupiter to do a thing which does nothing. Gasp! She has a shield. Quick everyone split up wait no Mercury says they should stay together and Planet Attack her face.

Of course that leaves them vulnerable to retaliation. If only there were someone that could keep her distracted for them. Anyone... Hmm, where could they find someone like that I wonder?

Yeah because THAT worked so well last time.

But Tuxedo Mask decides to do a thing and gets into a sword/cane fight with her while the girls all prepare to PLANET SMASH HER FACE. Then just before Tuxedo Mask can get his head cut off, Kaorinite gets blasted, and there's uh, nothing left of her? Wait no, she's still alive. Oh and they just used up all of their power so what now?

I guess it's time for Uranus to flash back to that stufff Usagi told her earlier about everyone working together so it's time to shake some worlds baby. Which ends with Kaorinite getting sealed in glass and falling to the bottom of the tower, presumably to her death. During which those other two run off and Neptune is all "okay so what was that about?" and of course Uranus is all "yeah well she kinda looked like that girl I keep hitting on."

Now we get to see Usagi and Mamoru talking about how they're always putting each other in difficult spots and it's okay because love.

That is kinda rude and seriously doesn't he have his own
apartment? He literally has a room you can get.

Also they've taken over Rei's room because who cares if she wants to sleep you've got lovers trying to get it on outside and a girl trying to study and two other girls eating snacks and being loud and shit I mean who has time to be considerate here geez.

Oh and over at the evil underground sewer lab, the Professor gets a phone call. Looks like his assistant is dead, so he needs someone else to take over. Someone that looks almost exactly like her! But with glasses and a different name. Her name is Yujial?

I guess this means we'll get some new stock footage
to laugh about next episode.

CLIFFHANGER ENDING. WHO IS THIS NEW PERSON?

... honestly I have no idea. I've never heard of Yujial so I guess now I will be in totally new terrritory, since I didn't even know Kaorinite would be dying this early on. Maybe we can see some actual plot progression?

... nah we've still got another 25 episodes left. They'll find some way to keep stretching this shit out as long as they can.