Sailor Moon S Episode 12 - Usagi in Tears! Glass Shoes for Her Birthday

I have had more computer issues in the last three days that I've had in the last three years. Criminy but this is just some kind of ridiculous.

With any luck, however, I've managed to track down and eliminate the random crashing issues. (Memory-related? Video-related? Sure isn't porn-related you can bet that. Who downloads that stuff anyways I mean geez!)

This means I can sit here and (hopefully) power through an entire episode of animu and not risk losing all of my work.

Too much words, not enough work. Onwards!


According to the episode preview, this is a birthday episode. Usagi is growing up or something, and wouldn't it be great if Child Molester showed up with glass shoes? Oh and then some evil guys. Sing that opening, girls! Sing it once and then let it be used for the next hundred episodes because they still have not changed the opening theme.

That is seriously a long time to use an opening theme, and I can only assume this has really helped to cement it as one of the most memorable openings of all time.

So today's episode opens up with something truly promising: STOCK FOOTAGE! Remember all those vials in the lab they showed us in that episode long-preview from last season? Yeah well I guess they felt that it and pretty much every other piece of stock footage hasn't been rubbed in our faces enough, so let's start this one out strong by using that.

Seriously, how many f***ing times will they recycle this?!?!

Unlike other episodes, Evil Umino is asking Evil Naru if she has located the newest target.

So much recycling they should've gotten a Green Energy credit.

At twelve episodes in, they're even recycling the lines of dialogue, as though recycling the f***ing plot points weren't bad enough. Evil lab, Kaorinite shows up, Doctor is all "blah blah targets" and she is all "I have one" and he is all "send the thing" and she is all "I will send the thing" and then he will probably rant about their great mission to destroy everything and they must hurry and she is all "our great mission to destroy everything and we must hurry" and then we get to the next plot bit.

I mean sweet Christmas people, how many times do we literally have to sit through the exact same shit?

How are they even finding these people anyways?

The doctor is all "welp guess I'll give you my best Daimon" and then the stock footage of the egg breaking out of the tube and then it flies off and OH COME THE HELL ON.

Have you really phoned in the first three minutes THIS HARD?

Thank Christ a title screen, FINALLY.

The episode actually begins with Usagi being as annoying as always.

Sorry what day was that I can't hear you over all your yelling.

Her friends, of course, could really give two shits.

Mina is such a lovable bitch.

Literally all of her friends care less, reading books of all things, and casually leave their friend lying on the ground. Because who cares about birthdays? Bitch better be at the study group. OR ELSE.

Or else Rei is gonna have to choke a bitch.

Then Usagi cries and goes wandering off in the shopping district and sees some pretty shoes while Kaorinite watches on and is all "hmm!" Usagi wishes she could have the shoes and dreams of being Cinderella while Mamoru is her Prince Charming. That would be awesome right? Right?

Then Haruka and Michiru watch from a coffee shop as Usagi meets her Prince Charming, who is wondering why she is acting like an affectionate girlfriend or something.

She ain't nothin' but a gold digger....

She drops the not so subtle hint and is all "please please please" and Kaorinite goes to possess those shoes. Oh and it looks like Mamoru has (shockingly) forgotten that it is her birthday. Oh no! The horror. He plays it off smoothly though. It's the day they first met right?

One terribly animated slap later, and she goes storming off angry while the entire city is all "lol douche".

Now she is in a park crying all by herself, when who shows up but the pretty couple who almost always show up together for some strange reason.

Haruka is looking seriously butch today.

One slide transition later and she's explained the last three minutes of plot in about three seconds, and the girls are all "ah yeah, that sucks, your boyfriend is a dick" to which she announces he is no longer her boyfriend as of now.

Smooth operation.

Haruka really lays it on thick, and even Michiru is all "okay dude seriously like I am only standing right here" and of course, Usagi blushes. Hell, she's even already got a nickname for her: Buns. I mean good god, I understand it's short for 'bunny' and she has hair buns but man oh man those connotations.

But before Usagi can succumb to temptation she remembers a study thing and decides to run off for that, to meet with those other girls who treated her like shit earlier. Sorry attractive lady I have the hots for, I gotta run off and take my nap with my friends!

Now wait a second here...

You are telling me that it took them this long to consider Usagi? Or rather Sailor Moon? Because I mean the whole "Silver Crystal" thing from EPISODE ONE didn't tip a single f***ing person off?? I could have sworn they ripped out her heart already and decided it was worthless, but I guess I was wrong on that one - it just seems like something that should have happened considering she had her transformation basically sundered in the first episode of this season.

Now we're over at the shrine where Rei answers a phonecall to tell Mamoru his girl hasn't shown up yet. And he is truly understating his situation.

I'm sure it's not Karma kicking you in the ass at all.

Oh but it turns out he really had no idea this was her birthday. It's not some elaborate hoax, he just legitimately didn't know.

... Y'know, I'm not sure if this actually vindicates him or makes him that much more of a dick. Eventually Usagi shows up at the shrine all gloom and doom, and considers that maybe she was kind of a bitch when she slapped him. So let's see that slap again before moving on with the story and she discovers a surprise party waiting for her. Courtesy of her dickish friends who totally pitched in to do nice things for her. It's even got test notes for her to study! Some other time though I mean it's kind of a special occasion.

So now Mamoru runs off to go get the shoes she was talking about because he kind of really screwed the pooch and as a man he has to make up for it. By spending it on things he probably can't afford. Kaorinite possesses the shoes with a Daimon, utilizing, you guessed it, more stock footage, and she's knocked out the store clerk just in time, because who comes crashing in?

Oh you mean these glass slippers which totally aren't set
out specifically for you to buy at reduced price?

Then he goes running off with the shoes and of course our Dubious Duo watches Kaorinite vanish and they consider maybe the guy is the target this time.

... I'm sorry what?

Back to the party, there's a heart-shaped cake and everyone is happy except for the birthday girl, who reveals that she kinda slapped her dude in public and ran off. So they talk about this, and Rei actually does manage to vindicate the guy, amazingly enough.

Yeah how many times has this dude had his mind wiped?

Wow, she totally forgot to tell him! Boy, that was a mistake on her part right?

... hold the f**k on. How in the world does this answer even fly? He's all "anniversary of the day we met?" when that would have to be at least a year, and at NO POINT AT ALL did her birthday EVER COME UP ONCE?!

I'm having a hard time deciding who the biggest moron is right now, because good god they are all terrible at life.

For some reason, the art in this one really irks me...

So Minako asks what Mamoru's birthday is, and Usagi doesn't even know that so... now she runs off to go apologize or something. Then Mamoru is running through the streets and they just happen to bump into one another in front of a big old construction site, and presents the, well, present.

Soon as she puts that first shoe on though, shit goes bad and the shoe turns into..... Senishenta?

... a Roman Legionnaire with a High Heel Plume. What.

What. The. F**k. Japan. WHAT. THE. F**K. IT IS TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK ALL UP IN HERE.

Every once in awhile, you get a name so very WTF you have to look it up, and so I did a little digging, and the creativity of this team simply astounds me. See, her name is a corruption of a Spanish word, Cenicienta. Which just so happens to be the Spanish word for Cinderella. Does your head hurt as much as mine does because this is just really freaking lazy.

As if this character couldn't get any more annoying, she has to end every sentence with -SHENTA. Mamoru tries to go in for the rescue, but gets slapped aside, and then Usagi gets to start kicking her opponent in the face once she gets pinned against a wall, and attempts to transform, only to have her broach slapped aside, and her actions completely misinterpreted.

The worst part of this? You know Kaorinite is watching.

Then the girl gets put partway into a glass pane, and those other two girls show up to watch as this woman suddenly gets ripped with this ONE EASY TRICK YOU WON'T BELIEVE.

Uh, actually I'm gonna worry if that's okay with you.

And just like magic, the girl starts getting her heart ripped out of her, and Haruka doesn't want to help because y'know, it might be a pure heart or something? It finally comes out and wow, that sucker is bright or something. It's different from the rest, so they should run in to save the d- oh wait Michiru is all "uh dude are you sure you wanna get into this because if it's a Talisman she's totally gonna die y'know."

This leaves Haruka conflicted, and the heart is snatched up anyways - or would have been if not for a magic rose saving the day, and a mysterious figure climbing up on the tallest object he could find.

Like seriously guy, why is this even necessary?!

So after dropping down what has got to be like a hundred feet at least (and of course delivering a speech) he surrounds the enemy with what can only be described as a magical rose barrier, and he rescues his girl and tells her to transform. Only she uh... kinda can't?

Then Kaorinite shows up and proves just how bad she is at the ONE JOB SHE WAS ASSIGNED.

Jesus lady what were you doing, playing Candy Crush?

She does pick up the broach though, and realizes it looks super familiar. Oh man, she couldn't possibly be Sailor Moon, right? And of course Usagi and Tuxedo Mask see this and go "uh crap, guess we better run off for now."

Which makes sense given they are kind of being hunted for at the moment.

He then takes a moment to blame himself for this situation, and they run off, only to be seen by the enemy who trails after them. Chase music! Leaping over rooftops! Running into buildings! Dashing down stairs! Talking about leaving me behind! Not that the enemy really gives a damn, she just kind of T-3000's her way around while Kaorinite keeps teleporting about. Then they get cornered in a parking garage, Usagi calls for Luna to help over her communicator, and Kaorinite gets speed lines as she pulls a Millia Rage.

Dem speed lines brah.

The communicator broken by magical attack hair, the girl is revealed as being Sailor Moon, and those other two Sailor Scouts decide that yeah, screw the girl, gotta get the crystal and kill a bitch and get a Holy Grail. Meanwhile, all of Usagi's friends ate her damn cake. Except Ami who is actually studying, but then Luna calls with a problem. So they should go and deal with that!

Back at the garage, things are looking pretty grim but Tuxedo Mask is gonna do a brave thing by challenging Kaorinite. Only to be attacked by the monster anyways, who gets into a glass-sword fight against his super awesome cane of indestructibility. Like, nothing can break that thing. They take a few parts out of The Princess Bride with sword fighting, and Usagi runs off only to be caught by Kaorinite, and then Tuxedo Mask gets cornered.

Then Evil Bitch is all "got your thing, guess I'll break it" and drops it on the ground where it just kinda, bounces a bit? Then she steps on it and goes "gimme your heart".

... yeah not sure what this was supposed to do but... whatever. Tuxedo Mask finally breaks glass lady's sword, and promptly gets turned to glass when he runs off to save his gal. Or covered in glass, I mean, it's kind of the same thing really. Those other two scouts are just kind of sitting there doing nothing, much to their own agony, the villains laugh, and the episode ends.... with an actual cliffhanger!

Wait so you're telling me that, for once, you guys are actually not going to wrap everything up in thirty seconds like you always do? You're going to stretch this out and actually play it out to the end? My god. If only you would do that for your OTHER main characters...

Also, I'm super disappointed in the artwork this episode. It feels like everyone was suffering from a case of fat-face, and the artwork just felt kinda sloppy the whole way through, unlike some of the previous episodes. Lazy artwork combined with all the stock footage they could justify does not equal great things in my book. In fact, it reeks of desperation.

We'll see how they bring it home next week.