Dog Days Episode 08 - The Day of War

Having three days off in a row is really, really nice. I kinda miss it a little bit, truth be told.

After all, it lets me kick back, relax,  unwind, and really give myself no reason not to subject myself to some more shitty anime. I mean, sure, I could watch some good stuff if I wanted to, but it just wouldn't feel quite the same, now would it?

Truly, I am a sad and lonely creature. Let's get caught up for this week and get Dog Days out of the way.

Okay so for anyone who forgot what happened, this is when the show is supposed to be taking a DARK TURN. Even though it has basically spent the entirety of its existence shoving in your face "oh yeah actually about that hint at darkness in the first episode yeah well just ignore that we promise we won't do it again."

But now suddenly oh the noes, it looks like some folks are gonna die die, as opposed to becoming tiny animals die. Not that any of this makes sense. Then again, none of the damn show really makes sense. They really didn't put a whole lot of thought into it. I get the impression that by the time they'd gotten halfway through production someone might have pointed at the script and gone "uh, you realize this totally contradicts those entire episodes we spent world-building right?" to which someone replied "shut the hell up Jimmy we can't stop now!" And then Jimmy was fired.

Poor Jimmy.

We begin today's exceptionally boringly-titled episode with a message to Becky. Remember, that one girl we are occasionally reminded exist? Cinque decides that now is the perfect time to shoot off a message, just before the whole war thing goes on.

War, competition, same thing. I guess.

He gets an immediate response saying that he shouldn't get hurt. HAH. Yeah, getting hurt in a war. Yeah, that'll never happen! Pffft.

Cinque psyches himself up, gets on a bird, and prepares to GET HIS HERO ON. Complete with electric guitar solo out of nowhere. He monologues for a bit about how he is totally going to give hi sall for these people who selfishly ripped him out of his world for the sake of fighting on their behalf, and then that annoying princess gets up and starts getting her entire nation pumped to go to war with her sweet smile and her moe charms.

I can totally understand why someone wants her dead now.
Seriously. Anyone who can prepare for war with a smile
like this? They deserve to die.

So after making sure they had not only a good rest, but also a good breakfast, she gets to the whole "okay so this is how we're doing this." Good god. It's taken me this long to realize how much I hate this little bitch. Like, we're supposed to like her because she's the 'good guy' but really? She's pretty f***ing evil when you think about it. Whether she intends to be or not is besides the point. She's making light of the fact that lots of people are going off to fight other people. For the sake of money. And pride. But mostly money. And also some artifacts?

We're not even five minutes in and I'm already getting seriously pissed off. Moving along.

They go over some very, very boring battle plans on how this whole thing is supposed to work. Oh and if you feel tired or get a tummy ache just be sure to let the medics know and they'll patch you right up.

Urge to smash things, rising.

Any medic this happy to do their job should be avoided.

It's at this point I think I've finally figured out why I hate this show so much. They spout so much about trying to prepare for war and all of that, with trying to make it 'fun' and stuff, but they've entirely missed the f***ing point. War is brutal. It's nasty, and it's mean. What you are doing isn't preparing anybody for the real thing. It's actually going to make it that much worse should, god forbid, something happen - a thing which is probably going to happen I guess but they'll wind up shrugging off and ignoring because this whole 'play war' thing? It's making them weaker as a people, and also more terrifying.

They'll definitely get overrun without a second thought, should someone decide to go against the 'rules'. Which are enforced how exactly? Nobody has bothered to answer that one. Not only that, but the main reason these people are fighting is for money. MONEY. They are in it for the paycheck and nothing more. So now you've got a mercenary state that has no real idea of how to actually fight and can't take a hit to literally save their lives.

F**k this show man.

Anyways some old farts warn the princess about some shit. My mind checked out like two minutes ago during the battle plan.

Yes be careful, someone might try and stab you.

Blah blah keep the place from getting set on fire and please find a way to return Cinque home blah blah time for war yay. Also they seem to have some kind of secret plan? Oh god.

So the troops. Come marching in. So the troops go marching in. Blah blah blah blah, yeah I'm bored with that. Oh newscasters talking about how awesome this whole war thing is and who is taking part and when things should be going down.

The Triplets of Terror from the cat place are talking about how they will be going into an "unprotected zone" or something and how they should be careful. Then something about ghosts? I'm not really following here. Are they talking about a place where they won't turn into cute animal balls if they get poked with a stick? Because if so, why would you even be trying to fight there? It seems like a terrible idea.

Then there's some talk about ghosts or something but who cares?

... since when did this show have DEMONS?!?!

There's a scary story about a monster who devours the very energy the world is made of, and the General is all "yeah uh, that thing was like sealed hundreds of years ago? I'm sure it's just fine."

Y'know what? I'm going to start calling this shit Exposition Days because OH MY GOD THEY WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT ALL OF THIS WORLD BUILDING THEY DID. It's like they were so f***ing proud of the work they did creating this vibrant world, and botched the whole trying to make a story out of any of it, so instead they just decided to have every character ejaculate expository dialogue at any given opportunity even when it's about shit they should clearly already know.

My f***ing god this wankfest is growing old.

So not only is there no consensus about the whole demon being sealed there, there's eyewitness accounts of demons being seen in recent history. OH AND THERE ARE ALSO DEMON HUNTERS ISN'T THAT JUST THE COOLEST GUYS?!

Yes we get it LEGENDARY WARRIOR is cool god.

The general doesn't believe a word of it, and they get into a comical thing about how he made one of the girls upset, and then the army continues to march on for f***ing ever. So you know what we need? A flashback of Princess Leo telling some other folks about the whole murder thing in the future.

Of course, this is where things actually take an interesting turn, as Leo reveals that once Cinque showed up, the future became exceedingly clear.

This is the first interesting thing to happen since episode one.

Leo even admits that she realizes it's kind of crazy to rely on fortune-telling so much, but lately it's been way too accurate for her to feel comfortable with, and has no choice but to believe that everything will turn out as she sees. So of course she needs to wrest control of the artifacts from her friend, in order to ensure that they will manage to live through the end of the week.

At this point, the others in the room are all "y'know it would have been nice to know this shit like, I dunno, A FEW MONTHS AGO." Of course all of this goes right out the window when she straight up abdicates the throne.

Oh god, tell me I have to explain the concept of abdication to you. *sigh* Fine. Basically, she says "I'm not the leader anymore." That's what it means. It's the thing which happens when the current monarch says "f**k this noise, I'm out, y'all figure this shit out on your own."

So ex-Princess Leo is trying to do whatever she can to save her bestie and her new pal because she's a caring person. She also realizes that she can't really lead a country this way, and as such she'll leave that stuff up to someone who isn't possibly going insane. Which is nice of her.

Besides, her abdication isn't too big a deal, since the throne was supposed to go to Gaul anyways once he came of age. I guess it's just happening a little bit sooner than planned.

Leg wrestling with your servants: Not to be taken out of context.

They talk for a little bit about Gaul and then decide that has no real bearing on her decision to resign and... Leo puts her ears down or something?

What the hell...?

At this point the blonde dude comes up with the plan about the holy swords being up for grabs and all of that, so I guess that this is the how she came up with the crazy plan in the first place? That makes sense but.... it would have made MORE SENSE IF THEY HAD SHOWN THIS TO US FIRST. BECAUSE ANYONE WITH A BRAIN WOULD HAVE PUT TOGETHER THIS IS WHY SHE IS DOING THIS THING.

Maybe if they'd opened the episode with this scene, as opposed to the whole "yay we're going to war hah!" then it would have grabbed our attention more, served as a reminder of the stakes for what's going on, and also led casually into the whole war thing. But no, they have to needlessly waste our time retreading all the plot points just to make sure we didn't fall asleep halfway through the episode and totally forget everything that is going on.

This coddling, hand-holding bullshit is also beginning to grate on my nerves. Ugh.

Back to the marching thing. Where a princess waves at some reporters who are super happy about it, and then... uh, did we know this character that just showed up?

"Morality" and "War" have nothing to do with one another.
Also, who the hell are you???

Okay so their whole thing is that they're going to jack the sword from the princess. Which doesn't make a whole lot of sense that you should be doing that given it is a prize? I'm confused again. I'll stop thinking now because clearly this show just doesn't want me attempting to do any of that.

Now we check in with Hero and Eclair, and they bring up the whole Cinque grabbing boobs and making girls naked thing, and Yuki is all "yeah I saw the video that shit was haaaaawt".

And just in case you really needed a reminder they just show you that shit happening again because they really need to hammer in just how schizophrenic this show is supposed to be. Is it a comedy? A harem? A tragedy? Horror story? Just a power fantasy? IT IS ALL AND NONE OF THESE THINGS BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. One thing's for sure: This is sure as hell not a kid's show. Even though it looks like it. And sounds like it. And pretends to be.

Only thing left to worry about is those demon things right? Oh but Yuki and her little pet assure them that won't be a thing they'll be worrying about today. I mean, it's all nice and stuff out, demons never come out when it's nice you know?

After breaking for lunch, the armies continue to move along. Good god. But they finally, finally get to the agreed upon battleground, FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO THE EPISODE. It took them that f***ing long to finally get to the thing they'd been talking about since last episode. Jesus.

Blah blah last minute orders and oh hey let's have a look at today's announcers because the audience totally gives a shit.

And here's another thing to consider: Who in the f**k is watching this if both countries have their collective nations worth of people on the battlefield ready to fight? Wasn't that the point?

This of course goes unanswered as the battle finally begins and people go rushing at other people. It's all very uninspiring. Turns out that hero and Eclair are the real targets here though, I guess someone figured out that letting them go unchecked was bad. But they get bailed out by Yuki.

Well, Cinque gets saved, Eclair has to listen to these assholes blurt out their plans like morons.

Yes, tell her your plans, brilliant strategy.

Once again, they go from being kid-friendly to the villains literally crying out "hey, show us some service!" as they brandish weapons.

This is just all kinds of not okay. Just all kinds. Eclair gets mad about having been naked in the past and then she does a thing and wrecks some shit. And of course they talk about how Cinque is the target now, but so long as he doesn't fight with it then they should be safe right?

Yeah so he picked up some random spear and will be using that instead. Brilliant. Time to continue on I guess. Time to watch some other people be awesome or something. So awesome that enemies just blow up as they ride past without having to do a thing.

You are hurting my brain. Stop it.

The 'war' continues on without actually showing us anything more than people running around. Then Gaul comes up from behind or something but they cut away to Princess Pink, who has an urgent message or something. Time for the theft to happen I guess as that purple-haired chick bursts in and kneels down in front of her, begging forgiveness but needing to deliver an unreasonable request.

At which point... uh, well, there's only one way to say this.

I'm sorry, but your Princess is in another castle.

Also the maids and cooks suddenly get the drop on the would-be thieves I guess, threatening them with.... wisks and wooden spoons.

I hate. This show. So much. Right now.

But hey let's have some tea while we listen to what they have to say? But now everyone knows that things have gone awry and that Leo really wants those holy swords, so the princess is off to find out why all by herself. Well, not quite by herself, she's got Eclair and Hero with her, but who gives a shit? That's next episode. Maybe.

For all I know, they're going to pad that shit out and wait until episode 11 before they finally get to ask her what the hell is going on.

I really f***ing hate this show.