Sailor Moon S Episode 20 - A Time of Shock! True Identities Revealed to One Another!

It's been awhile since I last reflected upon the amazing awesomeness that is Sailor Moon Crystal. And given the most recent episode, and the fact that (based purely on the first frame of today's episode) it seems today's episode is likely to center around Minako, I just want to point out how f***ing great Crystal is.

Disclaimer: This is the image in question.

Seriously. It is, without a doubt, simply astonishing in every way. My poor little mind is consistently blown away by how mind-bogglingly exceptionally well done Crystal is. Even their introduction of Minako, and by extension Venus, is simply fantastic. Eight episodes in, and while I can tell the villains won't all get the same sort of treatment (and, in fact I fully expect them to get skipped over), I want to point out that Beryl has backstory.

Yeah. Turns out before becoming Queen Bitchface, she had an actual history. Who knew? Sure as hell not me since they neglected to mention that in the FORTY SOME EPISODES THEY HAD TO TELL IT THE FIRST TIME AROUND.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I fully expect today's episode to miss the mark, compared to what I watched the other day. So get comfy folks, we're probably in for some disappointment.

So who wants to know what today's episode preview points out? "Oh Mina's the only one who hasn't been Pure Heart Scouted yet. I'm sure she's really a nice person though!"

And the bar has been set at a record 15 seconds. Let's watch them somehow manage to trip over it. CUE THE INTRO. LET'S FIGHT SOME EVIL BY MOONLIGHT AND CHASE SOME LOVE BY DAYLIGHT.

... yeah okay so the actual original dialogue is far more clever by f**k it I don't care. MY HEART IS A KALEIDOSCOPE DON'T YOU JUDGE ME.

We begin with a darkly lit room and a phone ringing. Eugeal calling the professor because she noticed something weird.

.... and this weird thing, you might ask?

So... the computer is demons?

Somehow, their computer already seems to know that there is a single person who can use this Grail thingy. It just... doesn't know who? And whoever it is that can use the Grail is either for you or against you... maybe?

Someone with purple hair huh? Good thing we've never seen
someone fitting THAT description before.

After nearly grasping the receiver so hard it nearly snaps, the professor is all "yeah can't tell you where the user is, find the Grail and we'll talk later gotta get a new phone bye."

Except that Eugeal declares the cost of the replacement receiver will be deducted from his paycheck.

... wait hold on isn't this guy in CHARGE of this shit? You're saying someone ELSE is footing the bill for his mad quest to destroy the planet? That is some kind of insane. I mean seriously, your goal is to DESTROY THE WORLD. QUITE LITERALLY. And you're worried about f***ing paychecks?!

Dear god. The rabbit hole goes so much deeper than we thought. TITLE SLIDE!

So we now actually begin the episode with a study session where, to everyone's amazement, Usagi is actually managing to finish her homework, and in record time too. Why Ami is bothering to record her times for solving problems with a stopwatch is beyond me when it takes a full 23 minutes to do the work is beyond me, but I guess every second counts when you're doing long division.

Doesn't take long for Ami to begin ripping all the holes in her logic-solving open, and their beloved leader cries because even when she puts in the hard work she can't stand to have her work actually corrected. That sounds about right.

At least they're giving this episode more animation than the last one. Cripes.

But Rei is quick to point out that compared to having your still-beating heart ripped out of your chest ala Temple of Doom-style Aztec Doom Priests, homework is but a thing.

Ah Post Traumatic Stress, solving problems since NEVER!

Mina is left silently glaring as everyone talks about their mutual pain, and she feels left out because she's the only one that hasn't had her heart ripped out from her chest. Fade in to her sitting on a swing, talking to Artemis about why she's the only one that hasn't become a target for monsters, and he attempts to not burst out laughing by pointing out what a horrible person she is.

Though to be fair, Usagi isn't much better so I can kind of see where there might be a little bit of confusion here...

Maybe it's because she quit volleyball. Or maybe because she has no goal in life. Could be any number of reasons I guess, so she decides to go off and slap some balls around in an incredibly long montage. Like, almost a full ten seconds worth of still images of balls getting smacked.

At some point, she realizes that Usagi got hit in the head like, a billion times, and it seems to have somehow improved her charm.

It is totally wrong that I feel she is more adorable with missing
teeth and says terrible things about my character that I say so.

She is joined by two cats and Mina is all "oh please I'm totally not bothered that you get attacked by Daimons and not me I mean DIE BITCH."

Luna thinks Artemis is thinking about things too much, and Mina starts setting off my CrazyBitchometer like, well, crazy.

Though if you need a CrazyBitchometer for this, you got
some serious issues elsewhere for real.

After snapping her back to reality, Luna is all "dude, you're not possibly thinking of baiting them to feed your own ego right? I mean you can't possibly be so shallow, RIGHT?" At which point Usagi suddenly channels the power of Harukasan, and oh dear god this is terrifying.

Alternately she could be channeling Kirby. Not sure which
of those two is more terrifying really...

So after violently throwing her friend across the machine several times to point out how moronic it is to want to GET attacked by monsters and stuff, they discover that somehow they have inadvertently won every prize in the crane game, all at once. To their great surprise, of course.

Let's watch as the cats tell Mina about all of the things Usagi has a pure heart for, good and bad. Maybe it's just that the enemies can't see through Mina's purity because it's so thick. An excuse which nobody can even pretend to believe.

After failing to pawn half of her winnings to Usagi, she heads off to look at Manga, and her pal and the cats decide to give her a bit of space, because while she's crazy, she can't be that crazy right? I mean seriously there's no way.

Then again if you use a big enough hammer, square pegs and
round holes seem a much more likely fit than initially thought.

So according to this a "pure heart" is one that focuses on only one thing at a time. When suddenly, Haruka and Michiru spy the girl looking at a book about pure hearts and grow concerned that she might know about the Talism-

HOLD THE F**K ON A MOMENT.

How would she not know? I mean you DID explain
this crap to the Sailor Scouts already didn't you?!

I thought that you guys realized that she was one of the Sailor Scouts a long freaking time ago? Wasn't there a big reveal about that already? So why is it a stretch that she might know something about all of this?

I am left with more questions than answers right now. But of course they pull the comedy routine where she's all "T-aking things isn't something a person with a Pure Heart would do is it?"

Sorry, but when did Mina become such a self-absorbed person? I mean, what happened to the girl who was running around with the UN to save the world and stuff at the sacrifice of her own personal life? Y'know the one that simply gave up volleyball so that she could continue protecting peace and stuff? Oh right they turned her into a spiteful little bitch because that's what the plot demanded was necessary for comedic purposes.

But they decide to carry on with the poorly-constructed joke and suggest that maybe she T-ry doing something selfless once in awhile. Which is the perfect time for a car to go by asking for blood donations.

... I seem to remember this happening once before. Hmmm.... So Michiru and Haruka decide they're totally reading into this way too much, and go back to ignoring the fact that they are supposed to know she is a f***ing Sailor Scout.

I will say, however, I do appreciate Mina rushing back in to interrupt their little musical walking away moment, even cutting off the music, to foist a couple of those ugly doll things off to them.

I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS. - A. Jensen

Now that I've torn myself away from looking at memes (ahem), let's get back to the show.

I guess this is one of those episodes I must have seen as a kid, because I could swear that this had happened once before, where Mina went on a blood donating binge much to her detriment. But it would appear that the blog archive of every episode I've watched so far disagrees, so now we get to see her going to donate blood.

Eugeal meanwhile determines that she can't quite figure out some kind of type of pure heart, and the professor... attempts to shove an entire door into the oven.

Let me reiterate. He attempts to shove an entire door into their evil abomination machine.

An. Entire. Door.

So Mina goes off and donates blood and feels great because she is SUCH A PURE BITCH for selfishly giving so selflessly. Oh look a well-timed commercial break.

After which, Usagi tells Mamoru that Mina is lying about her age and continues donating blood like crazy, despite the fact that aren't there supposed to be laws against this kind of thing I mean... holy crap. She is crazy obsessed with this thing. Eventually, the other girls get involved and they all wind up stalking their bestie, totally for her own good, because at this rate she is sure to get targeted.

You just know Luna's thinking "Dude, seriously, shut up."

But just in case you needed another reason to remember what a horrible person Usagi is, here she comes running down the street to feed her pal's incredibly unhealthy obsession. As in, this is seriously bad for her physical health I mean holy shit.

At which point the other girls declare like a flock of clucking hens that Mina is totes pure I mean LOOK AT THAT SO SELFLESS RIGHT?

And of course those other two are watching as well, and who shoudl come across but Eugeal who shoots first and asks questions never, sending Mina into FULL ON CRAZY BITCH MODE.

Because what does she do? WHAT. DOES. SHE. DO?

Complete with the Psycho sound effect.

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. She straight up grabs hold of that shit, and begins to laugh maniacally. Ladies and gents? We have full on psycho bitch.

And instead of putting her heart back in her chest like a NORMAL person,  she goes running off with it. Laughing like a chipmunk the entire way. The cats and other girls get caught up tripping over all the bottles of crazy energy that Mina's been drinking, and she ducks into a parking garage to throw off all of her pursuers. Not that it matters to someone driving a crazy Star Wagon, of course.

Eventually though Mina passes out, and Eugeal is like "holy shit what a crazy bitch", but then Usagi shows up on the scene, with Haruka and Michiru watching, and she is all "GET AWAY FROM MAH FRIEND". So Eugeal sicks a door on her.

Please, please please PLEASE tell me the door doesn't strip.

So today's monster's unique power is the ability to 'lock up' things. Any opening, be it a door, a window, or a freaking ventilation duct? It can be locked. By which I mean it can have steel panels welded over it in the blink of an eye.

Admittedly, this is a very useful power to have. But then Usagi sees that Haruka and Michiru are watching, and everyone is all "CAN'T TRANSFORM HERE" despite the fact that they're all SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO EACH OTHER IS. Leave it to Usagi, of course, to shatter that illusion for good. Again. Because... I really don't know why this is a thing again. Seriously, was it not established a few episodes back that they CLEARLY KNEW who the scouts really were?

Maybe I'm just really going crazy or something here. Cue the damned transformation sequence.

Everyone is surprised, a speech is had, blah blah seriously why are they so surprised by this shit.

"Wait what did you just call me?"

Doorknobder.

Doorknobder.

.... f***ing. Doorknobder.

She's all like "aw but I'm not good at the fighting thing!" and Eugeal doesn't give a damn and forces her to fight anyways, so off she goes to do that I guess. But before Eugeal can take the crystal, Michiru throws her doll, and Haruka dispatches the monster with hers long enough that they can transform in front of everyone and, once again, dispel ANY ILLUSIONS WHATSOEVER THAT THEY ARE THE OTHER SAILOR WARRIORS. DESPITE THIS CLEARLY BEING A THING THE CHARACTERS WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE PUT TOGETHER EPISODES AGO.

World Shaking happens, Eugeal teleports out of her lab coat to avoid harm, and Neptune hadns the crystal over to be returned just as those other girls prepare to break the door down. This leaves Eugeal to panic as it finally dawns on her just how freaking screwed she is, having locked herself in this parking garage without an avenue of escape.

She's a door, seriously how offensive can that be.

Now it's up to Sailor Moon to finish the job, despite the monster begging for Eugeal to get dispatched first. Sorry, but your name suggests none of this was well thought out and stuff, and Eugeal counters with... a Fire Buster thing? Which manages to repel the Heart Attack, but also causes it to hit Doorknobder. Poor thing.

She manages to get the upper hand by threatening everyone with the Fire Buster, but then Mina saves the day with those dolls and transforms to get all angry and stuff for trying to steal her precious heart or some shit.

Seriously how BAD are you at your job anyways?

So Venus goes about dispensing some lovely justice, ruins her little device, but still manages to let her drive off and away in the Star Wagon.

Once again, Neptune and Uranus go to walk off all cool as shit, but Sailor Moon calls them by their real names, and asks them what their goal really is, despite the fact that they've kind of already explained this a few times already now??

She wants to know what would be worth human sacrifice, and they're all "don't even try getting close to this shit you couldn't handle the truth" and walk off leaving the girls to be all "wait so they were the Scouts all along?" even though, and this I know for a fact, MAKOTO OF ALL PEOPLE HAS KNOWN THIS FOR F***ING EVER NOW.

Cue the sad music theme as Haruka and Michiru talk about how transforming was probably the right thing to do, and they end the episode on this note.

To which I end the episode on this note:

At least the door didn't strip.

Go watch Sailor Moon Crystal if you haven't. Seriously. It's f***ing awesome, and makes up for this godawful mess so much.