Sailor Moon S Episode 19 - Usagi's Dance, in Time to a Waltz

Sailor Moon Crystal is so very much better than the original series ever was. It's just... straight up better in every way possible.

Why do I say this now? Well... because I watched the latest episode last night and it keeps sticking with me just how much of an improvement it is over the original. It's mind blowing, really, how far the series has come - and it's truly amazing what can happen when the creators take this concept seriously and play everything straight.

Sadly, I'm only just barely halfway through the original series now. Which means, at the rate I'm currently going at, I will still be watching this show for the next two years.

God have mercy on my soul.

You know what we haven't had in awhile?

A dancing episode.

Yeah. Because people have demanded it so much, we once again have an episode where poorly animated dancing will occur.

F**k my life man. Just roll the goddamned intro already.

Today's episode begins in the middle of a raging heat wave. How nice it is to be sitting in the air conditioning, pondering romantic things instead of studying. Today Mamoru has shown up with the study group to help the girls out. Or rather, the girls have all crashed at his place because he has a working A/C unit. Moochers.

Ami, however, seems to be happy to have found something else in the apartment, in the form of... wait what.

I have no idea why this is even a thing. None.

I am frankly just too damn tired to deal with trying to figure out why anybody, Mamoru in particular, would just casually have a dictionary for a deal language lying around their home. It's just... yeah we're moving along now.

She goes on for a few more lines about how smart Mamoru is by having all of these crazy academic books and such and okay girl we get it you want to have the bookshelf's babies can we just move on?

The same can be said of this show for the last 90 episodes.

Mamoru reveals that he can't figure out what to major in. But then the doorbell rings, and some old dude with a cane shows up. Who only speaks English. In fact, the subtitles don't even bother trying to pick up what he says because frankly, it sounds like it came out of a speak-and-spell.

It is so very, very painful watching what is clearly an Englishman struggle with what is supposed to be his native language with a stilted Japanese accent. So not only is it hard to make out, but there are no subtitles for it, because they assume that you can just figure out what he's trying to say.

I'm going to want to punch this guy before this is over aren't I?

Oh but he figures out that Usagi can't speak English, and since she answered the door he just switches to perfect Japanese and is all "yo, is Mamoru around?"

GEE. HOW FORGETFUL OF YOU TO FORGET THAT YOU WERE IN JAPAN. Isn't that an American trait, not an English one? I am already suspect of your ancestral heritage, good sir. I bet you don't even own a monocle. For shame!

Dude's name is Edwards, by the way, and all of the other girls reveal that they know enough English to force out a greeting. Except Mako who gets it wrong but it's still more than Usagi knows so we'll forgive that. Also, I think they somehow sound BETTER at the English than the guy currently visiting. What the crap man.

Anyhow, unlike a proper Englishman he has NO TIME FOR TEA. Double sacrilege on your part, shame on you sir. He showed up to invite Mamoru to a 'gathering' of 'young people' who were 'coming over to his house'.

I can't even keep a straight face saying that, despite the fact that this is actually what he has said.

This does not sound like a good thing. Look at how old he is!

Oh and he guesses the girls can come too or something well time to get back to his daily walk catch you later and this totally isn't some weird sex party thing we promise bye don't be late or else because HE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE.

If you have to say that, I get the feeling it isn't.

Also, the animation budget has fallen through the floor on this one. There's barely any lips flapping, characters speak off-screen more than on, and there's enough static images to fill a children's learning-to-read book and we're not even five minutes in yet. All I'm saying is I think they went from shoestring to "holding everything together with scotch tape and paperclips".

Oh yeah by the way it's time for a title screen after all of that wonderful setup! Guess someone realized they should throw that in after about three minutes of nothing really happening.

Also, this is the first time an episode has had only ONE title. That's... wow. A real shocker.

After coming back it's time for the exposition dump where they tell you all about this new character who will never again appear for the remainder of this series and totally won't be this week's target of choice.

Mamoru informs us that he's a dude that lives in a European mansion. Because he's European.

Mamoru just said that, come on...

Seems that Edwards has a habit of hosting 'parties' for 'exchange students'.

... yeah can I just call bullshit because there is no way that isn't creepy as f**k man. Like, seriously, that is some straight up shady shit. They decide to go to the party but there's a catch. The catch being, everyone there pretty much speaks English. So Mamoru needs to bring them up to speed on this in the next few hours.

Good luck with that one, pal.

By the way, they are attempting to animate as little as possible. I get the feeling this is purely a filler episode. Not that most episodes can't be considered 'filler' material but I can't shake the idea that this is truly an episode they cranked out at the last minute because something else got pushed back. Oh look, according to this very helpful filler guide I found online, they confirm that this IS, in fact, a filler episode.

That I found said guide on Gaia Online's Forums should not count against me. For the record, yes, it was the top result on Google.

Oh god, and now they have decided to shave off even more of the budget by letting Usagi spend the next minute or so repeating the exact. Same. Action. Over. And over. And over.

OH THANK GOD ITS THE EVIL LAB. FINALLY SOMETHING NEW ISH.

Unfortunately this was the only new addition to the sequence.
It will never be shown again and he doesn't even move.

So blah blah Waltzes are awesome and they totally represent the Death Busters... f**k it. They show him taking the disc out and spinning it on his finger, while he talks about how it was a song he composed as a child called "Hope for the Future". Huh. So you couldn't even bother to get some real music? Ah well. They're after the old dude what a shock. Time to put the record on and totally annoy the girl on the other end of the phone.

Y'know you really ought to reconsider your career choices.

So they stuff the entire record player into the machine and it continues to play music throughout the alteration process, and we learn today's monster is called Chiquon.

I'll give them credit for at least keeping the music playing through the entire sequence. Until it gets outside where it's peaceful in a park.

Until the music playing car shoots up out of the pond.

It drives off, record still playing, leaving a wet couple very confused and in need of a change of clothes.

So how about that party huh folks? Remember what I said about animation quality? Well...

Looks like I've died and gone to Hell.

Usagi can't really speak English, everyone is speaking English at the party, and really I've got to wonder why they are insinuating she should hook up with some other dude when her boyfriend is literally standing right behind them. Pretty sure he can hear you guys talking!

Then. Then some dude sees Mamoru and says "Hey, Mamoru! I haven't seen you for long time."

"F**k it make all the things move even if it makes no sense!"

The rabbit's reactions to this, once again, closely mirrors my own.

The only difference is, I'm punching myself in the balls.

And because they were SO PROUD of that walk cycle from earlier, they decide to force it upon us again because, as I've already stated, this is one of those episodes they just kind of cobbled together at the last minute.

So they finally get over to the party goers and they're all "yo, Mamoru, hurry up and tell us the names of these girls so that we may forget it while we attempt to bang them".

I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they are kinda
living in your country for now. Or rich.

Usagi has vanished, and can be seen attempting to brush up on her language skills at the very last minute, and freaks out as she thinks everyone is talking English. Then she grabs a random drink which is probably not alcoholic in any way at all, and we return to the earlier conversation which has turned to... Theoretical Physics?

All of the folks to chat up at the party and you pick the old dude?
Ami, I'm starting to think you're just not right in the head.

So the old man continues to... endear himself or something? By saying how happy he is to be able to provide such a nice place for all of these wonderful people to meet up and stuff? Okay you are just straight up coming across as Creepy now dude. With a capital C.

The imagery really, really doesn't help his case here.

I'm getting the distinct impression this episode was not
thought out very well.

As those other three girls just kind of hang out, a drunken Usagi stumbles over to Mamoru, yelling about the "pudding of relativity" in front of his friends. Which then leads her into talking about how to make a perfect pudding and... oh god. God no. Just. Just please god no.

I'm going to kill myself.

Drunken teenage girls are, surprisingly enough, the hit of the party, as she quickly draws the attention of everybody there, and the guys seem to like it for some reason.

You have only yourself to blame, Mammy.

In case there was any doubt about her state of inebriation? Ami straight up goes "Oh shit she's drunk."

Doesn't take long for Edwards to politely ask Mamoru to please take his drunken lady friend outside. For fresh air or something. Then it's time to make some introductions?

Your math is way off dude. There are at least FIVE new girls
here at this party that YOU invited!!!

But since no episode in this series is complete without an appearance by this season's dynamic duo, it's time to totally not introduce Haruka and Michiru. Because they are everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

What a shocking twist. That nobody else noticed them
before now, I mean.

Ami lets her pals know that their fearless leader, in addition to being rendered horribly fat, is totally drunk and sitting on the balcony. Also, the STAR WAGON has shown up outside and it is, in Eugeal's words, "Show Time".

Inside, those two classy gals playing music meet up with the others, and Michiru asks Mamoru for a dance which lights a fire in drunken Usagi's flabby little self.

Seriously check how flabby she is now.

Oh but it's fine so long as she gets to dance with Haruka. Tee hee. Time for some more quality dancing animation. That you see for like half a second before cutting back to the image above, sans dancers. They talk about how graceful Usagi seems to be dancing, and I have to wonder if this is a clever insinuation that she is best left in a drunken state? That... can't be good for anyone come to think of it. And may explain why Chibi-usa seems to travel back in time so damned much...

Not. Gonna make. Lesbian. Joke.

We interrupt this bland experience of girls fighting over who gets to dance next with another girl to bring you more exposition dump thanks to Mamoru and Michiru as they tell us how Edwards used to be all money hungry and a regular dick to folks. Then he had his epiphany and decided to throw parties for young people all the time under the premise of 'entrusting his rosy future to the younger generation'.

Yeah, not buying it at all here folks. Not one bit. Here, have some more quality dancing animation that is barely animated.

Fifteen seconds of quality animation. You get the point.

Pretty sure you guys see where I going with this so we'll just keep plodding along as they keep talking and people keep moving without actually moving around. But then oh no, evil lady shows up! Wearing something totally out of place.

Seriously, a Cheongsam at an English party? Come on.

Finally, a commercial break! I'd almost come to the conclusion they'd written that out of the budget for this episode too. Upon our return, now they're speaking FRENCH. Oh then some other girls want to dance with Haruka. By which I mean basically everybody in the room man or woman. Then Usagi sees Mamoru dancing with some other chick while her friends are all playing rock paper scissors and... somehow Haruka is dancing with Michiru again...? Despite being mobbed by like the entire room just seconds ago?

Wait a second...

This is like the fourth time they've used this shot today!

Edwards shows up, and decides that the girls must really hate dancing, but he has something else in mind.

Seriously dude? You're f***ing weirding me out.

He asks them to join him so that he can show them, and I am in no way shitting you with this, a "very special place".

Holy. F**k. Just. Holy f***ing shit. I am appalled by this. Just. Good god. Of course they won't think twice about an old man asking them to see his 'very special place', so they go along with him to yet another balcony somewhere that overlooks the entire city.

Also, more static images while people talk because, y'know.

He asks if the girls are 'satisfied' with this, and talks about how his dream is that young people can 'nurture a beautiful future'. Seriously dude STOP BEING SO CREEPY.

There is just so much sexual innuendo going on here that
my mind just cannot even comprehend this.

You might be thinking to yourself "oh you're just being overly analytical about this to get us to laugh". And I have to be totally serious with you here: I'm really not. This is f***ing HORRIFYING. You simply don't understand my horror. This is the kind of thing that slips past folks because when you watch Sailor Moon, you turn your brain off. But the imagery is all there, and it's almost to the point of blatantly screaming it in your face "I AM BEING SUBTLE HERE!"

I am f***ing mortified at what I am watching. Utterly appalled even. You cannot honestly tell me that this dude has actual pure intentions for these girls. You can't. He has brought them here probably because this is a lonely man who is desperately trying to cling to the youth he threw away in an attempt to become one of the richest men in the world, and where does he decide to plop down in? JAPAN. Where the combination of being stupidly rich and incredibly powerful looking by virtue of standing a full head taller than everyone else comes together to basically let him do whatever the f**k he wants and get away with it.

In short? This man is f***ing creepy and you should be scared shitless of him. Because this is seriously bad juju.

"F**k the party I'm hosting, let's have cake and shit alone."

The girls talk about how 'kind' the old man is and how nice the flowers are and how he just has the purest of intentions. Then Mamoru sees some smoke flowing out from a door and everyone in the ballroom falls down, except for Mamoru and Edwards. Oh and Eugeal.

Okay I find this hilarious for some reason I just can't place.

She shoots him with a gun she pulls from nowhere, rips his heart out, and those other girls finally notice something is going on. Oh but suddenly Neptune gets a transformation sequence, quickly followed by Uranus.

Wait what? Dudes, don't even bother establishing them, they just go TRANSFORM. ATTACK. Then they snag the crystal, and we find out that the STAR WAGON is voice-activated. And incredibly polite.

Seriously I think the car is becoming my favorite character.

Time for a monster to show up. What's it look like this time?

Good question it's being very slow and... oh boy.

Right before it falls over from the dress being too heavy.

Monster falls over, Eugeal is all "wait seriously what the hell", and those other scouts just appear on the scene. Boy, if only they hadn't padded out the episode with useless footage that established nothing we needed to know maybe they could have not rushed to cram everything else into the last five minutes of the show. But first we need a speech from all of the Sailor Warriors! Y'know, because we haven't had enough padding yet.

So in the name of like every famous fairy-tale Princess ever they will do a thing and by the way not a Talisman you guys suck at this ha ha going to leave now bye.

At which point Eugeal just jumpcuts to the driver seat of the STAR WAGON and drives off so the monster can die while counting in French.

Seriously. Your attack is "Un Dun Troix?"

Then Uranus goes 'f**k this", hits it with a World Shaking,a nd it just sorta explodes and uh, transforms?

I am officially disturbed now. I require counseling for this shit.

Oh what. The. F**K.

She plays some gentle music and attacks them with musical notes or something, and Usagi complains about her method of attacks, so she decides to.... attack with the "Devil's Yodel".

But then Tuxedo Mask Saves The Day, Says Some Things, and Sailor Moon does her little spinny dance to finish it off.

Now that that's over and done with, we see the damn ballroom establishing shot FOR THE FIFTH F***ING TIME as Edwards is all "oh my did I fall asleep or something?" and NOBODY SEEMS TO REALIZE EVERYONE PASSED OUT.

Nope, you're just old, old man. Watch Mamoru and Usagi dance while you notice Haruka and Michiru are now missing. Oh well who cares? Let's watch them talk about how they need to complete their mission while standing on a tree in a manner that looks suspiciously like exactly the same footage from the first episode.

Seriously why are they recycling so much?

What episode is this from? Your guess is as good as mine!

Then the episode ends, and I am just really, really pissed off as a result. This was a horrible episode, even by this show's standards. It was filler in the worst possible way. Hell I'm pretty sure they recycled the shots and scenery from one of their EARLIER ballroom episodes, which seems to happen every f***ing season at this rate.

And they are all equally f***ing terrible so far.

I am so done with this show right now. Go watch Sailor Moon Crystal. Seriously. Then ask yourself how in the hell anybody managed to remember this show so fondly that they actually FIXED IT TWENTY YEARS LATER.

Shit blows my mind man. Blows. My. Mind. So much that I only just now realized that we had a stripping vinyl record player this episode.

My god.