Sailor Moon S Episode 18 - Art is an Explosion of Love! Chibiusa's First Love

In case you were wondering, here is an incredibly brief re-imagining of an actual phone conversation I had last Friday, which explains why there have been no updates since then:

"Hey, can you cover for me and the other guy today? He walked out yesterday and my grandpa just died and uh, stuff. Halp?"

Needless to say, working a 13-hour shift on your day off when you've slept maybe 3-4 hours is gonna have an impact on the rest of your work week.

On the bright side, this means I can legitimately say that I am writing Moonlight Punishment on an episode of Sailor Moon during a Full Blood Moon. Hell yeah! Let's ruin my work weekend and make me regret ever starting this blog.

... I may have spoken too soon.

Yep, I want to die already.

... I think I need an adult. Because they are dedicating an entire episode to this garbage. Suck it up, soldier, it's time to do this... and try to ignore the fact that I already know, based on the episode preview, what a goddamn train wreck this will turn out to be.

Seriously. Tears are already welling up in the corner of my eyes and we're barely at the opening sequence. SEND HELP.

At least they are kind enough to hit me with the title slide now, before chucking me into the deep end of OH GOD IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A VALENTINE'S DAY EPISODE?

Sorry, "White Day" as it is known in Japan. Same basic concept, slightly different execution. EDUCATION IN A COMEDY HORROR BLOG? WHAT NEXT?

We begin this episode at Usagi's place where she discovers a pie sitting in the oven, and serves it up to her pals because, well, what else do you do with food you just randomly find sitting in the oven?

Yes, I am sure she left it baking in the oven specifically for
you to find and summarily destroy with your greedy paws.

So after a very brief description of them saying "hey at least Usagi isn't gonna give us food poisoning" they promptly decide to chow down on a pie that probably had nothing to do with them to begin with. There's a tiny knock on the door as they discuss how not-so-great-but-also-not-completely-horrible the pie is, and who should come in asking about it but the tiny little pink-haired snot that just last season casually brainwashed an entire family into thinking she was their niece.

Though to be fair, she is technically related, but it's harder to explain "I'm actually your granddaughter from 800 years from now" I suppose. Anyways, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out whose shitty pie they are actually eating.

Also, can I point out just how stupidly attractive Makoto is here
for no goddamn reason? Because good god girl. Good god.

Chibiusa gets all upset, and the girls are all "uhhhh, we weren't supposed to eat this?" and she gets all angry eyes at everyone which is supposed to make you feel bad or something.

Dun dun duuuun.

But leave it up to Rei, because she will totally yell at Usagi and stuff on the little girl's behalf. Boo hoo she wanted some dude named Masanori to eat it and she's going to run off and cry and not blush and uh, she'll do the yelling thing at her some other time. What's up with that anyways? Well, I guess she has some kind of 'art class' to get off to, and nobody is going to question an 8-year-old girl running off to an extra class all by herself. Nope, nobody at all is going to question this.

By the way, while we're talking about age, this is the perfect time to address this bullshit. And that's exactly what it is: Bullshit. Wikipedia answers all there is to say on this topic:

Exposure to the Silver Crystal renders all of Crystal Tokyo's inhabitants functionally immortal.^[7]

In act 20 of the manga, it's mentioned that she is both chronologically and psychologically 900 years old, which lends credibility to her apparent wisdom, maturity, and rather serious personality over her teenage mother Usagi (in the 20th century). Her youthful appearance attributed to the fact that her physically body inexplicably halted its natural aging process when she was five. The reason for this is never fully understood, but her body resumes normal aging after she becomes Sailor Chibi Moon. By the time of the Dream story arc, she claims to be 902.^[8] Her exact age was not disclosed in the anime, and her frequent time traveling complicates guessing. The candles on a birthday cake in one memory indicate that she is about five years old when first introduced,^[9] and she seems to be the equivalent of an 7 or 8 year old when she returns later on.

So as you can see: Even the anime will never fully address this, and it makes it just that much more horrific to consider. Because let's just be honest with ourselves here: Why in the name of god is a 900-year old girl going to elementary school? By that age, she should have at least two or three PhD-level educations under her belt. SO WHY IN THE HELL IS SHE EVEN ATTENDING ANY SCHOOL? WHY IS SHE NOT HELPING HER MOTHER WITH HER HOMEWORK? Purely by virtue of just being NINE HUNDRED YEARS OLD you would think she'd have a far better grasp of knowledge than ANY OTHER CHARACTER IN THE SHOW.

Oh, right, that'll never get explained either, because that requires actual thought to be put into it. Nope, let's just send our uneducated daughter off to the past to go ahead and learn from my teenage self in the worst way possible, in a completely antiquated educational system from almost an entire milennia ago.

Sorry. I'm going to scream into a pillow for the next ten minutes, then we can proceed.

The girls return to talking about what the deal with Chibiusa is, and then decide oh, to hell with the feelings of a little girl, let's just eat all of the pie and let Usagi deal with the fallout of devouring an entire pie meant for someone else.

Have I ever mentioned what wonderful friends these girls are? They are the perfect role models, aren't they?

So at the art school for children, we find Chibiusa showing up to meet with Masanori, who is holding a bouquet of flowers all sad like, while he waits for some other chick to show up. Then she does, and who should it be but...?

Ladies and gentlemen, begin the screaming.

Yep. Not even gonna lie. This is just... this is just straight f***ed.

Does this kid even know what puberty is yet?

Of course Chibiusa is watching him declare his love, and what does Michiru do? Politely turn him down? Inform him that she already has a girlfriend? Ask him to come back in about five years when his balls have finished dropping?

Of course she goes for Option D.

But then Chibiusa knocks over an empty soda can (because every great school just has a pile of trash sitting in front of it), and Michiru acknowledges her presence.

Don't you be telling anyone I've been kissing little boys.
Or I will straight up cut a bitch.

Welp, better hurry up kids or you will be late for class, tee hee also don't tell anyone about this or you will die. Time for them to get into the sculpting class where Usagi and a black cat get to spy on a little girl because... wait I'm not entirely sure why.

Yeah I'm with her here, why exactly does she have to?

Luna's reasoning is "you ate her pie, now you must spy on her to determine why she tried baking one in the first place."

... I'm beginning to question the wisdom of listening to a talking cat.

Eventually, they try to subtly return us to the main plot of the show, delivering a twist so clever, even Shyamalan couldn't have seen it coming, as Masanori asks Chibiusa what the hell she is trying to make.

HEY GUYS YOU THINK THIS IS FORESHADOWING?
I CAN'T TELL I'M SURE THIS WILL NEVER COME
UP AGAIN IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM. LOL.

Yeah, this will never, ever become important again.

Really not sure why they're even bothering at this point.

They are just not even bothering with subtlety or subtext. They are straight up saying "yeah, she came back in time specifically because she is the key to unlocking this thing."

OKAY WE GET IT ALREADY GEEZ!

Leave it to Masanori to magically just slap some clay on it and three seconds later looks exactly like that thing you saw in someone else's flashback. He tells her how to make it look even more amazing, and they share a moment of a thing I will call 'bonding', and Usagi continues to lurk outside as they figure out that oh hey that boy must be the guy she was talking about earlier. He is so great and amazing and the only one worthy of being called Chibiusa's friend.

... wait what???

Oh god. Oh good god. CREEPER ALERT. CREEPER ALERT.

Right after she says that, Michiru shows up because she's an art gal, and chastises the boy for helping out a girl too much, and then walks off while calling them her 'rivals'.

What?! The?! Hell?!?!

How are they even remotely...???????

We have swan-dived into the realm of nothing makes sense anymore. Ladies and gents, welcome back, once more, to the Negazone. Where it makes so little sense, trying to understand eldritch abominations is actually somehow easier.

Masanori finds this hot, and Chibiusa is all "NOT GONNA LOSE IN LOVE", while Usagi puts on a cat face and decides she is going to totes hook up her future daughter as a child with some other kid.

DID NOBODY THINK ANY OF THIS THROUGH?!?!?!

Oh holy f**k no.

Masanori gets back to sculpting a little angelic Michiru, while the evil professor in his lab of stock footage accidentally calls a ramen take-out place. And in a completely bizarre, just totally nonsensical scene transition, he just kinda hangs up, and we get to the lab, and Eugeal picks up the phone and is all "hey there's some kind of weird delay on the line, but I got your next target here."

Hold on, why don't you have a picture of the boy instead?

Anyways blah blah he is really awesome he's probably what they are looking for so better come up with something contrived. Today's target for stock footage transformation? Some clay sculpting tools. Her name is Chokokkar. Not sure what that has to do with anything but we get a commercial break which means the plot is probably about to run past us at breakneck speeds.

So we suddenly come back to Michiru talking to Haruka as she paints a naked mermaid swimming through the sea, as they discuss how they haven't found out that Eugeal hangs out in the sewers. This means they an relax right? Then Haruka has a slight jealous fit that a little boy gave Michiru some flowers and she totally didn't give him a peck on the cheek as a reward.

Oh really, you're going to play the Tsundere card now?

Haruka says that she isn't jealous.

... welcome back to Creep Town, population: You.

But just in case you were getting too comfortable with this weirdness, Usagi shows up in the other class room to cheer on her future daughter in the love depar-

*hurk*

As if that wasn't disturbing enough, she gets introduced as Chibiusa's 'sister', holds both their hands, and as he walks away she says "this is your chance, quickly girl ask him out!"

What in the hell am I watching now? No, seriously, just what am I watching?

Chibiusa gets mad and then a car drives through the wall.

Yeah not even joking it just straight up pulls a HEY KOOL-AID!, complete with honking horn. Because you should be considerate when ramming a fast-moving vehicle into the side of a building intentionally. Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt y'know?

"I've just driven into your classroom and only critically
injured a dozen of your classmates, this is all just fine!"

Then Eugeal steps out, not even bothering with the lab coat today, and somehow the little boy managed to survive having six desks piled on his head without even a scratch. Oh good now he gets shot in the chest with a magical bullshit laser. Well that was easy!

Over in the next room, those other two girls are just casually like "Welp, guess we gotta go do a thing" "Yeah, we should probably do something about the car that just slammed into the class next door", Haruka pushes open the window, and then they get a transformation sequence.

This looks really uncomfortable.

So Eugeal grabs the crystal, those two scouts show up, and the Daimon for today appears.

Yes. This is your monster for today folks.

Even Eugeal herself can't believe what the hell is going on this time. Like, how is anybody supposed to take them seriously with monsters like this?

That is the expression of someone going "oh god I am
simply not getting paid enough to do this."

Chibiusa decides she wants to get a transformation sequence too but the cat says its too early because if she does then everyone will realize that she looks exactly like Sailor Chibimoon. So instead she runs up to Eugeal and bites her arm, forcing her to drop the crystal.

This would almost be cute if it weren't so damned creepy.

The boy still has some semblance of consciousness, but then Neptune and Uranus swipe it, declare it not to be a talisman, and give it back so she can return it to the kid. At which point Eugeal is all "hey look the hell out I am backing up the car, uh, monster go die or something" and leaves the scene.

And in case you thought we were finished with stripping monsters boy were we both wrong on this one.

"Got somethin' that might interest ya."

So Chokokkar attacks but throwing clay sculpting knives.

... yep. That's her special power folks. That, and totally stripping down to the bare essentials.

A double-stripping enemy. That's a new one.

Uranus and Neptune flee, the monster follows, and Usagi can only talk about how rude everyone is for leaving without cleaning up the mess.

... is that really your primary concern here I mean...?

Welp, time to run off and become Sailor Scouts while bro lies on the floor and talks about how he found his goddess. Chibimoon gets a very minor transformation, while the show's main character gets the full treatment because she's the main character and screw everyone else. Also, we need lots of stock footage because this episode was totally phoned in, as evidenced by the absolutely terrible animation quality.

Did I say terrible? I meant abysmal.

It's like we've returned to SDF Macross levels of animation here. But since the enemy is in a sandbox, she quickly makes a sand... doll or something? Rips off part of her hair and sticks it into it, which causes it to glow and come to life.

This is what it becomes.

I think this may be one of the most unintentionally horrifying things I've seen come out of this show in awhile because oh good god is that hideous. She follows up by making a second creation, which causes Neptune to say "Please make something easier to understand!"

Pretty sure this is speaking about the modern human condition.

More absolutely HORRENDOUS animation continues, and then the Twin Moons show up to make sweeping statements about love, justice, and punishment for daring to watch their show.

Yep, that just happened.

But they get caught in some weird black force field thing and we cut away to Neptune running from the hole golem which... just kind of casually decides to run off and jump into the river without any semblance of cleverness on Neptune's part. Oh, okay. Couldn't you have just used Deep Submerge or something? Was that pushing the 'stock footage' budget you guys have? No? You're saving it for later? Oh okay carry on.

Then Uranus shows up having a wrestling match with that other one and Neptune is all "yo throw it into the water". So that's what she does, then they are suddenly back at the monster without any real transition. They just immediately go from "throwing monster into the river" to "HEY MONSTER YOU ARE WEAK TO WATER AREN'T YOU?"

Guess its time for a Deep Submerge to save the day. Then Sailor Moon shoves Chibimoon off of her, and our villain delivers her last line which I guess is supposed to make us laugh.

Much like the rest of this show, I just don't get it.

Oh and the other girls will just leave the Moon girls to uh, finish it off or something. Cue the "pink sugar heart attack" thing not working and everybody commenting on her being useless again.

Even the monster is clearly begging to die at this point.

So after a once again delayed tiny laser blast attack that gently pelts the monster's cheek, Sailor Moon winds up her massive heart attack move to finally end this. Daimon defeated, those other two scouts are all "Yeah well smell you losers later", Chibiusa is all "Man they're more reliable than your bitch-ass", and Sailor Moon is all "dude I am standing right next to you what the hell."

Now Chibiusa walks home with Masanori hand-in-hand, and they talk about how they will totally see one another in class again. Oh but hey would you hang onto this tiny little bust I totally just made of you? Thanks I'll see you later.

Then the rest of the cast shows up to be all "yo congrats kid on having a boy like you which is totally the most important moment in your life!" and Usagi demands to be thanked for setting all of this up.

Thanks for growing up to be the worst mother in the universe.

Oh yeah and what about that apple pie they all ate? I mean seriously, are they ever gonna make up for that? Usagi is amazed that anybody can remember the events from a mere 20 minutes ago, or something that happened probably only like an hour ago judging by how long those 'classes' probably are, and then Usagi's pals pass the blame all onto her saying it was totally her fault.

Then she climbs a lamp post to avoid being beaten to death by a little girl, everyone laughs, and I curl into a ball and gently rock back and forth telling myself that it will all be okay.

Yes. It will all be okay. Some day. Some day, it will all end and I will never have to look at this show ever again... never... ever... again...