Dog Days Episode 09 - Grana Fortress' Defense Strategy

Oh Dog Days, I bet you thought I forgot about you this week, didn't you? It's cute that you'd think so. I'd like to forget you. I'm pretty sure a lot of people probably did forget you. But me?

Oh no, I'm not allowed to forget you. I'm not ever allowed to forget you.

After all, I'm talking about you on the Internet, and we all know how shit gets immortalized there.

So let's go ahead and dive into Dog Days... soon, it will all be over. And then I can watch something better. Like a show about robots with giant penises.

... on second thought is it too late to keep this show going...?

They open up with the reminder of everything that happened last episode, sort of, about the whole war thing and saving lives by conquering the shit out of your friends, and we leap right into the intro. It's alarming just how much they really tried to use the same formula that worked so well with Nanoha, and just butchered it entirely by completely ruining any expectation of ever taking it seriously like, from moment one.

Watching this intro kills me. Because it reminds me of everything that went wrong with Nanoha StrikerS. I get the feeling I can now totally blame this show for all of that mess.

With the intro gone and over with we leap into an establishing shot of the enemy stronghold, where Leo is finding out that everyone totally botched their missions to steal shit. Also they got captured. Whoops! At least her brother is doing the thing that he was told to do, even if he is clearly not very happy about it.

Not that it really matters because Leo is planning on winning this thing solo or something.

So a bunch of dudes led by Gaul through a canyon that should totally have an ambush, and he's all "yeah so we don't really like this, but we've been ordered to do it so let's go have as much fun as possible!" because WAR IS ALL ABOUT THE FUN STUFF GUYS HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?

They fill up the time with meaningless small talk about how the Princess doesn't seem to be in the place they're attacking, and that suddenly makes everything okay.

Also, for some reason, they feel this strange need to have characters making jerking motions from like, two inches away from the camera. It's really irritating, and pretty hard on the eyes. DOES THE RULE OF THIRDS MEAN NOTHING TO YOU PEOPLE??

This is honestly very hard to watch.

And then as if that wasn't close enough he damn near eats the camera as he yells at his troops to continue running forward through a valley that for some reason has nobody on top dropping rocks to block their advance from on high upon them. God I just hate this show on so many levels.

So some fighting between nameless people happens, Biscotti seems to be winning, but that doesn't mean anything because the announcers say it doesn't. Oh and remember that princess? She's still riding around.

Oh and now the enemy army faces off against LEGENDARY HERO who does an awesome thing and turns everyone into cat dolls.

Then some orders come in and she is asked to help some other schmucks, despite having won things pretty well, some more boring orders are given, and the announcers tell us that the plans seem to have changed or something. I guess their plan is to have the LEGENDARY WARRIOR face off against one of their generals. They have a chat, he's all "can't let you through", she's all "wanna go one-on-one?" and he's all "I'd love to", but then some asshole has to drop out of the sky and steal their thunder.

F**k your duel, this one's mine!

Of course not only is everyone shocked, but the announcers feel the need to continue narrating how everyone is shocked by these turn of events. Also, what in the hell is with the tech level of this world? It is amazingly inconsistent.

Like, magic. It is just bullshit here or something.

Knight bro is all "yeah go on ahead legendary warrior lady" and her bros wander off with her and the leader bros are all "man, it's been three years since we dueled, so let's have the announcers recap our totally platonic relationship while we stare into each others eyes lovingly."

While not as gay as Free!, they are definitely trying here.

Blah blah they're noble-born dudes who went to Knight School together and became best friend-rivals and even their stupid birds are awesome. It's basically a mirror match where they look a lot like pallet-swaps of one another.

Also, can I just, once again, point out how inconsistent technology is here? You've got two people sitting in a FLOATING BUBBLE WITH MAGICAL CAMERAS for all the action, and then you have these two.

Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

Now we get to see Gaul going wild on some dudes, because they've got to use that animation budget for something, and the terrible trio are also doing stuff too because oh yeah tehy're in this show too I guess.

I'm through talking about how stupid the rules for this shit are, they're just going to keep wasting our time with 'cool-looking animations'. So now the science chick is... going to fly off to teh princess or something? On the princesses' Cerkle? I really have no idea what's going on at this tpoint. Arrows fly all over the place, and just when you thought you weren't ever going to have to see another naked little girl, YOU WERE WRONG. Because magic is bullshit, and an arrow that goes right through you deals zero damage, but causes every shred of cloth you are wearing to explode into tiny bits.

But don't feel bad because they try to 'balance' this out by having the archer chick suddenly lose hers too as an arrow flies out of nowhere. At least she's wearing a bra, unlike the other one.

Much cheering is had for naked girls or something, and I am resisting the urge to vomit because they are of course focusing on the little one with no bra, who is just letting that shit quite literally flap in the breeze, given that she is on a bird. Also, why don't the 'commanders' turn into animal dolls when they get hit? Was that not established as a thing that happens?

Oh I guess she's going to find some clothes before she finds the Princess, and we're off to some other battle we're supposed to care about. It's the enemy stronghold led by HERO BRO, Eclair, and the princess. I'm sure it won't be too difficult to-

Whoa wait hold on what??

Something doesn't seem right here.

They have f***ing GUNS?!

Okay, that's it show. We're stopping here. You are telling me that this entire time we've been seeing knights and archers and swordsmen and shit duke it out, you've had dudes with F***ING RIFLES AND MORTARS THIS ENTIRE TIME?

I get that this is clearly why Biscotti was losing the entire time, but where the hell were these advanced weapons during the start of the show???? You can't even argue that they were just made because these dudes are clearly well trained and know how to use them.

Consistency. It is a thing this show has very little of. Except that CINQUE MUST SAVE THE DAY. So it's up to him to do a magical thingy that Eclair told him about once. He's going to act as a shield for everyone behind him, and Eclair will mop up troops or some such.

Not that a shield is really going to do anything against f***ing rockets but whatever.

Oh that's right, I forgot. Cinque is so amazing he can just BAT A F***ING MORTAR OUT OF THE AIR.

Everyone, and I mean everyone is just as amazed as I am. Because we are all thinking the exact same thing:

"This is f***ing bullshit."

You said it sister.

Then she charges ahead, flashes her panties in our face, and blows up the entire enemy's defensive line, and is all "welp, go mop up boys!"

But just as they are preparing to go enter the fortress, IT GETS DARK AND RAINY. And Leo is... sleeping or something? She has this weird dream where she sees Not Saber who is actually just a really crappy silhouette of her best friend standing alone crying on a floating platform, and then she dies with blood going all over the place. And she's standing right there to witness it.

Oh and uh, there's another thing there too.

Uh, hi. Sup. So uh... come here often?

It's got like six rows of teeth and I'm sure it just wants to cuddle, and Leo wakes up all like "whoa shit we're in a war?"

Cut away to Yuki and the LEGENDARY WARRIOR lady riding along, listening to an annoying, shrill whistle. What the hell is that, someone asks? Oh, it's just an alarm, nothing to worry about.

Yes because god forbid you shouldn't be able to enjoy
the WAR.

She is all "you bros hang back I'll go deal with this", and clearly isn't running off to face a demon, even though she and Yuki are pretty much thinking the same thing. Demons are bad, I mean they burn countries and kill gods and- wait there were gods in this world? What the f**k???

Where the hell was this bit of world building the entire show?!?

Meanwhile back at the fortress, Cinque and the princess finally reach the top of some stairs, along with all those other guys, and Leo is all "man you finally showed up?" via magic mirror. And of course she tells them exactly where she's waiting, and how they're going to fight once they make it up to her 'sky battle stage' and stuff for the FINAL BOSS SHOWDOWN. She also reveals that she has both of their bullshit artifacts and if they get up there it will be easier for them to win if they are able to take them.

Even though I was pretty sure the point was that if they won they'd get them anyways? I'm still really confused on how the hell this war thing is supposed to work. I'm beginning to think even the guys in charge of writing this shit weren't even real clear on that.

She invites them all to just come fight her all at once though, which would be really appropriate if she were, y'know, standing IN FRONT OF THEM instead of waiting at the top of the tower.

Then the vision fades and the servant is all "you sure this is cool?" and Leo is all "yeah it's no big I GOT THIS BRO, I GOT THIS. IT IS IN NO WAY A PROBLEM THAT THE PRINCESS SHOWED UP HERE TO THIS PLACE WHERE I SAW HER DIE IN A DREAM. I GOT THIS."

And I am sure that is in no way whatsoever your fault.

Hell they even have magical elevators, and finally the princess shows up all in her imperial regalia and shit and goes "oh, f**k me" as she realizes what she's just done. I guess she didn't expect the princess to actually come on her own or something? Makes sense since she couldn't see who all showed up in the throne room downstairs.

To make matters worse? Not only is the princess wearing one ring, she's wearing both of them. Which ensures that she is probably about to die.

After demanding what the meaning of all of this actually is, the maid straight up attacks the princess with katars - yeah, f***ing katars - and is all "sorry please don't be mad but we don't have any time" and reaches out the steal the rings.

But Princess Milhi isn't having any of this, and straight up smacks a bitch, and once more demands to know what the hell this is all about. After all didn't they used to be such great friends? What is going on, Leo? Do you hate her?

Of course this is the right time to check in on Cinque and Eclair, who are both just nervous as hell that they let the Princess go on alone like morons. Seriously did not one of them want to observe the big fight? Not one?

Cinque's Hero Senses are tingling though, and he gets a Bad Feeling About This. It's probably fine, but they couldn't follow her up anyways because the elevator is locked for some reason.

... you proclaim to let people fight you in any way they choose but prevent them from bringing reinforcements? Now that's just a dick move.

Leave it to the hero to find a wall to climb, of course, and they have a flashback to what the Princess said. She just said to allow her to 'proceed alone', didn't say a word about following her up some other way.

It's time for a public service announcement from the local news networks covering the battlefield!

Does this mean we also can't get HBO anymore?

They call off all of the fighting because it's kind of actually dangerous and people might die if they get hurt, so uh, stop stabbing each other? Thanks. Oh and those three at the top of the sky stage? I'm sure they are totally safe from the lightning strikes. Totally safe. Large open area at the top of a tower totally counts as a safe zone right?

So they all prepare to take cover but then the ground begins to shake, and Cinque and Eclair begin to regret this decision.  The ground around Milhi suddenly begins to ascend into the sky, and something also seems to be coming DOWN from the sky. It's... it's...

... it's a giant purple ball.

But wait! There's a thing inside of it! It wakes up, just in time for the episode to end!

... I believe that I am going to come to the conclusion that this show is basically someone's furry D&D tabletop game that never got finished. Because that's kind of how it is playing out right now.

Actually, I take that back. That's unfair to the furry community out there. You guys deserve better than to be associated with this show. Everyone deserves better than to be associated with this show.

While I appreciate that they're finally trying to take themselves seriously, I'm fully expecting it to quickly turn vomit inducing because they just cannot keep a consistent tone within a single episode.

Also there were gods?! Come on man why did you not tell us about this shit from the start? THOSE ARE ACTUALLY INTERESTING DETAILS WE WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE KNOWN FROM THE START!

God it is frustrating to keep watching this.