Sailor Moon S Episode 25 - Crazy for Celebrities! Mimet in Doubt

I can't quite recall if I mentioned or not that I used to live in Florida.

Well, in case I didn't mention it, I used to live in Florida.

I'm not a very big fan of Florida. I mean yes, it does have some nice things going for it. But the one thing that gets me the most? No snow. I love me some snow. Snow is like, one of the best goddamn things ever. I. Love. Snow.

So now, here I am, two years later, at the end of November, living in the literal heart of f***ing America, and what do I get?

Sixty degree temps and rain blowing sideways at two in the god damned morning.

I LEFT FLORIDA FOR THIS?! I MAY AS WELL HAVE STAYED. WHAT THE HELL.

I guess that's a perfect terrible segue for Sailor Moon. OR IS IT?

Yeah so I guess today's episode has some kind of swimsuit competition in it. Which makes my story there all that much more hilarious because I totally had no freaking clue when I started writing this thing. (Full disclosure: I just start writing and then start watching, it's kind of an amazing process like that.)

Blah blah Mimet comes and ruins everyone's days okay great thanks for telling us what to expect. Roll the intro so the pain train can be under way.

A hundred and fourteen episodes in, if you aren't singing this stupid theme in your sleep, you are some kind of monster. Just putting that out there. YOU HAVE HEARD THIS SONG AN AWFUL LOT. I HAVE HEARD THIS SONG AN AWFUL LOT. IT WAS CATCHY BEFORE I STARTED THIS SHOW AND NOW IT WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE MY BRAIN. EVER.

We begin this episode with what has become the new stock animation intro: a camera panning over the plethora of creepy dolls. At least they put a lot of effort into drawing all of these things, even if they just decided to make them basically unable to be seen by their audience with a lack of any real light source in the room.

Anyways blah blah possessed girl wants a pure heart to be complete. Yes girl who is not my daughter, I will get this thing for you my minions are hard at work etc etc let's check into the sewer lab down below, pointlessly passing by billions of pipes to- wait hold on a second.

Something seems a little off here. Can't quite put my finger on it.

Some evil lab rats are hard at work, except for the one who is supposed to be in charge because she's too busy singnig and dancing and watching some super hot idol boy on her work computer. Oh I guess we're going to wait we're jumping right to the title slide? No lead in to "what are you doing" so on and so forth?

Oh. Okay then. I'll just... keep watching quietly in that case.

We return to see that our favorite heroes are also watching this broadcast instead of studying at Rei's, and everyone is all "man how pathetic are those screaming losers" while Mina is all drooling over the eye candy. Who has time to chase after celebrities I mean come on. I'm sure an ex-celebrity has no time for any of that shit.

... this is gonna be painful to watch isn't it?

Say what's that? Artemis has something to say but is rudely cut off? Oh what's that, the hot guy on TV is announcing the co-star lead for his next film will be picked out of a live audition tomorrow? Boy this is all super useful information that Mina is casually noting in her notebook.

Super. Useful.

Because what Japanese competition is complete without
randomly declaring the need for swimsuits?

TV gets turned off, Mina makes a noise, then tries to distract them from why she's upset, and the evil professor is... oh hell I'm not even going to pretend to understand this shit anymore.

This really makes my head hurt.

Boy Mimet I sure hope that you have a plan or something when he asks about it two seconds later. What's that, you do?

... damn I miss Kaorinite already.

To give the professor credit, he's catching onto Mimet's pattern pretty quickly here. All of her targets are celebrities! Which leads him, a scientist of some sort, to believe that she may be using less than scientific methods to determine who should be attacked.

She attempts to defend her position by saying, well, people with loads of Charisma are more likely to awaken the True Messiah.

... based on what evidence, exactly? Hell, shouldn't the professor know more about this shit than anyone else, given he has THE EVIL OVERLORD IN HIS F***ING HOUSE? If anybody would know what a pure heart is all about shouldn't it be her, and not these random hussies he has crawling in the sewers under his home?

Then Mimet falls to her knees and starts crying like a baby. Like Usagi used to cry about every little thing.

"Is Gendo Ikari gonna have to slap a bitch?"

Ah but he breaks his stoic not-giving-a-shit-ness to console her, saying that he sees a bright, promising future for her, in the world that they're seeking to destroy.

Wait no that's not right is it? Wait, but it is. Because that's the goal you're all working towards right? Destruction of the world? So... yeah. Saying she has a bright future is kinda f***ed up don't you think?

Oh god and now they're doing the "OOOOHH OOOOOH OOH-OOOOH!" bullshit that comes up anytime Haruka and Michiru are in the same room together, or when someone who likes someone else shows up, or someone confesses to someone else or ANY TIME SOME LOVEY DOVEY BULLSHIT HAPPENS OUT OF NOWHERE. THIS IS NOT OKAY. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS.

THIS IS NOT THE APPROPRIATE TIME FOR THIS SHIT.

Don't worry though. It gets weirder as she walks away claiming to be doing her best, and he picks up one of her magazines. And flips through it, reading presumably things that at somewhere in the mag about "I love you Araki" and all that. And then he laughs maniacally.

So... yeah I'm confused. Are... are you getting a rise reading a magazine about hot guys or something? I'm... not sure what's so funny.

I think I need an adult.

Oh thank god Ami is here to save us with math that makes no sense. Oh hey Mina is suddenly gone, how convenient for the plot that nobody noticed this. Artemis doesn't even know where she's at, but supposedly she came down with a sudden fever and a cold or something, and he puts two and two together. It makes four.

Yes. It definitely adds up to four. This much he is sure of.

Time to check in at the place where that competition is, and Mina is totally signing up for the contest just so she can catch a glimpse of him. Oh but he's not showing up today, because of reasons, but he'll be a guest in tomorrow's second round. Mimet shows up from behind Mina however, and is even more upset than SUPER FAN MINA.

I love how Mina is all "YOU BITCH."

They see one another. Lightning bolts flash between them. They reach out and grab one another's shirts...

Come on guys stop pulling this "everyone is a dumbshit" card.

Of course despite having tried to kill one another a few times they completely fail to recognize one another. And talk about what SUPER FANS they are. And introduce one another, leaving the signup lady to go "uh so are you guys signing up or...?" while Mina makes a weird comment about how humans tend to put their all into things that they like.

... why are you... you're both clearly... oh forget it. My skull is throbbing from the stupid.

Time to see Mina in a swimsuit. Again. Competing or something. Oh there might be a kissing scene in the movie? She's fine with that. In a weirdly creepy way.

Do you even *have* parents? I mean, where were they while
you were running around Europe fighting crime with the UN?

It doesn't take long for the interview to get seriously, seriously creepy.

Whoa dude, just seconds ago she said she was in 9th grade.

You might think I'm overreacting to that dude, but his immediate next line is" What would you do?" while somehow raising his eyebrows even higher, emphasizing the question as if to suggest "would you totally suck a chode?", and also waggling said eyebrows.

Her response is less than dignified.

Mina, you're.... you're not helping.

She admits she's not too fond of "shiitake mushrooms",  which elicits perhaps the most hilarious response thus far.

I think Mina just insinuated dude has a tiny dick, and the
lady he's sitting beside knows he has one.

Oh look it's Mimet's turn. She's taken off her glasses and goes for the totally brainless charm. She can't even properly answer their questions, and gets dismissed very quickly. So which of these five girls get to move on to tomorrow's round? Well Mina's one of them, and Mimet is the other, somehow. Step forward an- hold on a second.

.... Rei, is that you??

Perhaps she just has a very similar design to Rei. I dunno. But Mina doesn't seem to notice, and we zoom in on Mimet looking nervous as shit before cutting to a commercial break.

Afterwards, we head down into the LOCKER ROOM OF EVIL. Where Mimet comes back and drops her bag, wondering what she should do if she manages to make it into the next round. Why, she's a good looking girl why wouldn't she b-

Uh, hold on, what?

Did... I miss a memo somewhere? I was pretty sure they were humans. I mean, the professor, he's a human. Kaorinite is totally a human, albeit one possessed. Are you seriously trying to tell me that the other four Witches aren't human? I mean it's one thing to think that you're better than other plebes sure, but to say that you are somehow, from an evolutionary standpoint, above them, despite having been born one? That... makes no logical sense at all.

Then she goes into a dream sequence with crowds calling her name, and oh hey it's the Professor how nice of him to show up to the rally for her awesome new caree-

Nothing to worry about, it's just the massive line of coke she
snorted on her way back to the lab, nothing major.

The professor is all "you should take care of yourself because it'd be a shame to lose you" and Mimet is like "oh yeah I'm supposed to do an evil thing and kill that dude, like I tried to kill those other dudes, so why bother?"

She seems to be suddenly conflicted between WANTING TO DESTROY THE F***ING WORLD and becoming a movie star.

Why is this even a thing? I get that they want to try to portray their villains as people, which I get and is good, but... you've been working this entire time to destroy the f***ing world! You can't desire to end the world and usher in an era of evil icky darkness and be all "oh but it'd be nice to be a movie star!" THOSE TWO THINGS. THEY DO NOT WORK. THEY ARE QUITE CONTRADICTORY. YOU DO NOT GET TO BE THIS WISHY-WASHY WHEN ATTEMPTING TO END THE F***ING PLANET.

At least with last season's villains, they were absolutely dedicated to their cause, believing it was the only way to go. Sure they were misguided but at least they weren't this level of batshit insane. I mean, okay so they were kind of crazy but even so what in the actual f**k is this crap? The previous villains can be explained as being somewhat misguided - they didn't really understand that their actions were necessarily wrong, or on some level at least understood what they were working towards, and were just trying to enjoy life to its fullest while they still could.

But Mimet? Holy mother of shit is she just f***ing delusional on a level that is up to now completely unseen. It's like with every passing lineup, the bad guys just get more and more unhinged.

... I can't believe I'm already missing the Phantom Sisters. They were a poor substitute for the original big bad four... and they made me miss Ali and En.

Good god.

Good god it's all becoming clear to me now. People love this show because of Stockholme Syndrome. And PTSD. By constantly subjecting people to something worse than the last, it forces them to consider "hey by comparison those last guys weren't so bad" and makes them harken back to a time when the villains made more sense, ignoring the fact that, in reality, they really made no goddamned sense at all.

I'm scared, mommy. What am I becoming? And what will I become when I finally reach the end of this long road?

So after not even five seconds of considering her options with her knees tucked into her face, Mimet decides, eh, screw the evil organization, she's quitting to become.... AN ACTORESS.

And yes. I mean ACTORESS. It's more dramatic than mere actress. Anyone can be an actress, but AN ACTORESS, that's something else entirely. ITS CLASSIER OR SOME SHIT DAMN IT.

It's really too much to hope she dies right now isn't it?

To the show's credit, at least they subtly point out just how utterly nutters this bag is.

Okay show. This is clever. I'll give you that.

We cut over to the next day's competition where they prepare to determine who will be true winner. Hosted by beefy-mc-dreamerson! But as Mina heads offstage, Artemis shows up, has a little chat with Mina as the contestants are judged by some... arbitrary... light-up wheel... thingy? Wait how is this being determined? Does audience approval matter here? If not, then why are you bothering with the wheel thing? What determines winning or losing? GOD DAMN IT JAPAN STOP BEING WEIRD EVEN BY YOUR OWN WEIRD STANDARDS!

Then the not-Rei walks on stage to be judged, and Artemis asks Mina what she'll do if she gets picked to be in this movie.

What the f**k did you call Sailor V?!

Of course now is the time Mimet wanders into earshot of Mina and begins talking to herself about how she ate an omelette for breakfast, and her biggest dream is becoming an actress capable of taking on any role, despite being blinder than the bats in her belfry. Which makes Mina feel... uh, feels or something?

So long as you can put in the minimum amount of effort
you possibly can am I right?

Also, when the previous contestant went onto the stage, she clearly had long, loose-flowing hair. Yet when she comes backstage, she is suddenly sporting pigtails?

What in the hell is going on?

Welp it's Mina's turn to get on stage and I geuss say some words or something? She tells the world who she is and what she's all about, and some other ladies look on amused for some reason.

Man it's like somehow you all just keep turning up at the
same places at the same time, whether you mean to or
not. It's almost like some force is forcng you to work
together, regardless of whether you want to.

So Mina gets judged, but it's not enough to become the Heroine. Or... something? Again, I am really really confused as to how this shit is supposed to work! She's cool with not getting the role since she got to see dreamy mc-hunksalot, which said dude just happens to overheard and is all "yeah no worries babe you'll totes get another chance on this merry-go-round if you catch what I'm saying, aheh-heh-heh."

It's called subtext people!

All the while, sexy saxophones scream bedroom loving music as he... talks about how someday everybody will forget he even existed like some kinda weird nihilist? What the hell dude. I know you live in Japan, and that your idols are manufactured and stuff but even so, that's... really just not even cool of you to say. Does your manager know you're talking like that?

But it's all cool with him because "... even if you forget about me, the feelings you felt for me will remain."

What in the hell is that supposed to mean?!

So he talks about how as she grows up she'll learn what "real love" is and move on, but... what in the actual hell? I get by the subtext that he's supposed to be coming off as endearing or something, but... what he's saying just doesn't match the reality at all.

It's less comforting, more condescending, and reeks of "you will totally sleep with me later and it will be bitchin'."

Who the hell does this guy think he is, Morgan Freeman?
Liam Neeson? Sean Connery? Patrick Stewart?

On stage, Mimet gets judged, and the result is.... she wins. Much to everybody's amazement? Oh but then she doesn't win at the last moment, and arbitrarily loses points for... uh... reasons?

This contest is stupid and rigged. And stupid.

Mina runs on stage to comfort Mimet, who slaps away her hand and goes crazy-psycho-bitch on everyone. By bursting into light and going "so yeah I'm actually an evil bitch here to steal dude's heart, by the way here's a monster."

Oh god it's a signing microphone.

Oh and now Mimet randomly has an EVIL STAFF to boot. And a signature move! The Death... Buster.

.... it shoots purple star-outlines in case you were wondering.

... So she named her signature attack after the group that she's with. The Death Busters.

*sigh* goddamnit it anime.

Or the sheer stupidity of all this.

So she orders Utahime to do a thing, she sings and does the wanna-make-out-slash-bite-you thing, eats a crystal, and Sailor Moon is on the scene throwing a thing and knocking staves away and showing up with some other sailors of justice and stuff to punish and so on.

Then Mina runs off to backstage, transforms just out of sight of everyone, gets an actual transformation sequence to... is that a new song? And now she is going to get her OWN speech about how wrong it is to have done what Mimet has done.

Good god! But Mimet claims she wasn't pretending. She's just.... misunderstood. Yeah, that's the word.

Don't you mean Witches 4? Was that not you who put up
the new sign on the door? That seems your speed after all.

Venus is shaken by the fact that Mimet seems to actually care about the dude she just tried to murder, and like all psycho bitches, she's all "yeah well, he's mine now!" and... wait. Wait. Waaait.

She's gotta be tripping balls, it's the ONLY
explanation at this point.

Monster, kill them with your killer songs. She starts... warming up. Leaving everyone stunned until she gets shamed into performing her... "killer song". To which she has forgotten the lyrics.

So uh... time for... Sailor Moon... to do a thing... I guess? Even they are like "Uh... maybe you should Grail Time?" So she Grail Times and then Super Grail Heart Times, without the monster even doing anything.

... god what was even the point? She remembers the lyrics but it's too late, because the heart smashes her in the face and she turns back into a shitty microphone, and Mimet without a pure heart.

Oh and some other characters are just hanging out I guess.

Why are you even here? You are adding nothing!

Oh I get it. Sailor Pluto is here specifically to tell us a thing that we already know, so the other two can know a thing we already know, and totally not share it with anyone who can do anything about it until it's too late to be properly avoided without a super-dramatic escalation.

"That is..." "... the stupidest damn thing I've heard." Yeah.
I know. I KNOW.

So despite Venus having retrieved the heart crystal with her goddamned WHIP attack, Mars is the one holding the crystal telling her to return it since she's such a fan and all that. Such a fan for... the last two years.

... but wait wasn't she in Europe chasing villains with the UN two years ago or did I miss something again?

So a heart is returned, and Mimet shows up empty-handed crying about how she's frustrated, and the professor gets a little bit rapey.

Does this count as a Bad Touch? I feel it should.

So he does the NEXT TIME GADGET, NEXT TIIIIIME! bit, and looks up at the ceiling dramatically, even making Mimet look up as well.

FOR REASONS! THAT ARE UNSCIENTIFIC!

Enter the credits sequence.

Y'know, these are definitely the worst episodes by far. Kaorinite was dumb, sure, but at least that was a dumb kind of fun. But this shit? This is just pure insanity working here, in that it makes little to no sense. Even by this show's own incredibly low standards.

This whole thing just went straight to hell, and I don't think it's for any of the reasons they were intending it to. How did this get another two full seasons again?