Dog Days Episode 12 - The Four Conditions

Full disclosure: Before today, I've never watched the Lego Movie.

I know, I know. I'm a horrible human being, but look on the bright side! I have seen it now. And my god was it f***ing glorious. As soon as the credits rolled, I wanted to start watching it again. Because it made me feel so very, very good.

Then someone called me halfway through the credits and inadvertently reminded me that I have this blog thing I do from time to time. Whoops!

So yeah. It's time to see if Dog Days is so terrible, it can even ruin the high I have from watching the Lego Movie. Or if everything is simply too freaking awesome. Because I'm living the dream.

(Everything is awesome.)

We begin today's episode with them thankfully narrating awesome the Princess' concert was, and we thankfully get to ignore all that crappy crap about everything because they're narrating and we can just fall asleep right now, right? Right. Awesome. Great. Thanks. Blah blah everyone liked the concert it was sooooo amaz-zzzzz....

OH okay sorry almost fell asleep there. Sorry, you were saying something about the people of some country or other? Everybody goes home happy? Oh okay cool is it time for the intro? It is.

My god. I haven't almost legitimately fallen asleep during an introductory sequence in forever. It's a good thing they didn't tell us anything important or anything. Just reminded us of all the boring crap that went on last episode.

Why are there another two episodes left of this again? Oh right, because the hero hasn't gone home yet. Maybe they could just fix that in the first five minutes huh? That'd be swell.

We find ourselves looking at some boring generic town where it is snowing glitter or something, with lots of people turning out for a parade. Oh I guess they're at the capital or something.

You... literally just got here... why would...?

So short-stuff is all "hey I gotta off to the lab see you later" in the middle of the victory parade. First of all, why do you bother establishing her as being part of the scene if she immediately absconds? You could have just as easily done that and saved us some time. Also, why would you wait until after the carefully orchestrated parade began to decide you suddenly have to get to the lab? What was stopping you from doing that all night? In fact, didn't you get called off to said lab last night?

Whatever, nobody cares and she goes running off or something, and then gets to the lab looking all sad and shit.

They're not so sad though, but they've figured out how to send the dude back. There's just one little issue. Well, four of them I guess. Okay, so you have to have the person that did the summoning perform the sending... well that's no big deal. It also has to be done within sixteen days. Also not an issue as far as I know. Third, he can't take anything back with him, also not really an issue.

Oh and once he leaves he can never come back OH NO WHAT A HORRIBLE TRAGEDY.

I guess they've only got three days left, shorty doesn't want anybody else to know about this, and uh... I guess that's it or something? Well whatever. Cinque crashes on his bed, and gets approached by a tiny girl who is all "welp, we can get ya home."

This is the part where she should say "not really" but won't,
because they want it to seem so bad that he can never come back.

She gives him the 'bad news', and his reaction is "well, that kind of sucks, oh well" as she tells him that he also can't take anything he 'received' in Flonyard. Which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I mean, what would he really take with him anyways?

Oh okay that kind of makes sense I guess. A little weird, but
whatever I mean, not like it's going to affect much, right?

It seems like kind of a weird, random thing that comes out of nowhere, but frankly, why is this so bad? Honestly it seems kind of normal if you ask me. But she admits that because of this news that she had since... last night... is why she hasn't been looking so well.

Honestly, this isn't all that bad? I mean, it's not like someone you knew died or anything. You pulled a guy out of another world to save you from what amounted to a meaningless war, and you're mad because now he won't remember how awesome it was waging war for fun and profit?

Please.

Rico is all upset though because she can't find any way around this, and that makes her useless but really does any of this matter? I guess she's just upset because she likes having the hero around and doesn't want him to forget all of the stuff there, and all that silly sobby girly stuff.

Yeah it's not like you don't have a cell phone or anything.
And could just, I dunno. Record a video to remind yourself.

Also, Cinque is all "please kid, not only am I so awesome I'll remember all of you, but I'll also be able to come back because otherwise how would we have a season two?"

This is, predictably, enough to make her feel much better, and he asks her to keep this a secret for now because reasons. He doesn't want everyone telling him goodbye because it'll make him feel like shit, and he really wants them to feel like he can come back at some point.

Meanwhile the princess is having a grand ol' time getting her hair brushed because she had a concert and her friend made up with her and also she is going on a walk with that one dude. Also elsewhere Eclair is totally not freaking out because everyone with a pair of eyes can see just how friendly she's been getting with the same said dude.

In fact, everyone has a 'date' with Cinque tomorrow for some reason. Freaking everybody! Even Prince Gaul! Yeah, that guy who tried to put his head through a stone wall. Freaking everybody is gonna be hanging out with him.

Then the princess finds out that Rico can send Cinque home blah blah three days you've gotta do this, and boy is she gonna miss him right?

A commercial break later, and he's playing frisbee with a princess. Ugh. Then Cinque drops his pocketwatch, and they talk about how that was his prize from that contest he got second place in. Which makes it valuable or something? Then off to the training session to beat Eclair around for a bit while she pretends to hate his guts.

Then off to go see ninja lady and magical hero babe with a fox god, and... wait, Yuki is a land god now suddenly? The f**k?

Since when are you a god?! And why do you serve a mere mortal?

It takes a moment but even Cinque manages to catch that bit about being a god.

No, you did not. We didn't even know gods existed up until
like, two episodes ago when you glossed over them.

Turns out her parents were killed by a demon a long time ago, and met the LEGENDARY WARRIOR back in the day after her country got destroyed by a demon, and have been the bestest of pals for the last hundred and fifty years now.

Wait... what?

His reaction mirrors my own. This is really coming out
of left field.

Blah blah they have the power to seal demons or something, and sometimes do stuff for countries by work in this area because I guess they think it has a nice countryside or something.

Fringe benefits of being friends with a god I'm sure.

Boy it sure would be nice if the hero could stick around but, man, shame he has to go. I mean she'd totally pass along her totally secret Demon-fighting techniques, but I guess that's totally unimportant now. Not that it matters because man, only she can use them, but eh, whatever, show off offscreen and presumably beat the crap out of the hero between scenes.

Now it's time for him to meet up with Gaul and his entourage, who give him a bunch fo tasty stuff from Galette to take home to eat.

Rico keeps looking for stuff, furiously scribbling on paper and knocking books over, and now Gaul and Cinque are arm-wrasslin'.

... I really have no idea what happened over the next fifteen seconds, because it's all just a blur. Someone dropped something and... and in the end it just got really super creepy.

Who is this show for again?!

Cinque should go take a bath now. So he goes to do that, finds out there's two showers, can barely read the language, and that it's 'mixed bathing time' or something. Why someone didn't just help him out is beyond me but hey two weeks is long enough to get the local language down, right? I'm sure he won't be walking in on Leo or anything.

This joke was played out the first time. It won't be any
more fresh this time around when you fail, either.

Oh look he walked in on the princess totally naked once again. How embarrassed her pinkedness must be. Oh I see, the maid accidentally screwed up and put the wrong signs out, gee what a mistake to make.

Kill me now. Kill me now.

Uhhhh..... suuuuuuure.

The Princess is all "it's cool I'm alone", asks him to keep his eyes covered, and then tells him to open them after putting on a towel. Before inviting him into the bath with her because why not? It's the perfect time to talk about when he'll be coming back. Sure depends though, I mean, he has kind of a life back home and all that, he might get a day or two here and there, but y'know, lives are kind of busy and hectic.

Gee, it sure would be nice if he could bring his pals with him next time around, those two girls he talked about before. Then she gets into this really weird and oddly uncomfortable line of questioning where she asks if he remembers her name. As though he could have somehow forgotten it over the last two weeks.

You are making me uncomfortable with your sudden creepiness.
Seriously princess. You're being a creepy bitch.

Then they laugh and I guess... he freaks out because if he calls her Millhi in front of anyone else they will murder him or something for it? She's the princess she can order them to do whatever, why is this even a thing you are worried about and besides you go home in two days so who cares?

No matter what though she never wants him to forget her name. Ever.

Why do you think I've been doing that this whole time?

Of course he does it because he wants to treat her like a dog.

Oh god. Sorry, just threw up a little bit. Because we had a dog named Princess. So this makes me mad on a slightly more personal level than usual.

I want you to die in a fire five minutes ago, thanks.

Now everyone but Cinque is asleep. He spends the time going from the window to the desk to the chair at the desk to the window, and then morning arrives.

What. The. F**k. Am. I. Watching.

So.... the princess pats the ever-living crap out of Leo. One might even say they engage in 'heavy petting' activities because... oh god.

What am I seriously even watching at this point?

They even go out of their way to make it sound as pleasurable as possible.

Don't feel too bad dude. Most guys like seeing two girls
engage in heavy petting.

I think at this point I can just keep giving you screencaps to illustrate my point far better than I ever could with words.

So much innuendo. Too much.

Now there's a banquet or something going on for all of the knights or something, and Cinque is off with Eclair I guess, and there's... a dinner for everyone? I'm really confused as to what's going on, but I guess this is some kind of surprise farewell party for Cinque and all of his hard work. Also he's totally promised to come back at some point! So take the stage Cinque, it's time for you to give a speech.

So they shove him up there to give said speech, and he kind of looks around the room uncomfortably, and finally takes the mic and says some words.

Back home, he's just a normal dude, but here he's some kind of hero, and that's kind of neat. Also he killed a demon. He's met lots of people that he's going to remind you of by name in case you've forgotten them, much like I have. They've all been so very nice to him since he got here, and he appreciates that.

Blah blah he's really enjoyed his time here, so he'll definitely be coming back sometime. If you guys ever have trouble call him and he'll show up, party poppers go off and the... credits roll?

Wait. Did you actually resolve anything here guys? Did you do anything worth rolling the credits over? You... just spent the entire episode talking about how he's going to be going home.

... god damn it Dog Days. This is seriously a shitty show, and it's a good thing I only have one more episode of it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see if I can get Everything is Awesome out of my head. Because despite it being an absolutely horrid piece of anime, Dog Days is not so bad it's made me forget about the Lego Movie.

Everything is awesome~