Free! Eternal Summer Episode 09 - The Forming of a Slump!

Occasionally I do a thing where I talk to other people.

Shocking, I know. Even weirder? Sometimes they even talk back to me.

In this case, the topic of conversation came back to everyone's show about gay swimbros, and how I am practically about to straight up f***ing murder someone if SOMEBODY DOES NOT KISS ANOTHER MAN AT SOME POINT BEFORE THIS SHIT IS OVER WITH.

Seems that this is not an uncommon sentiment. Not even among other straight men such as myself.

Also, it seems that mostly guys are watching this show that is clearly aimed at the womenfolk? What the hell is up with that? I'm calling shenanigans.

But seriously someone better f***ing make out or something soon before I find something flammable.

We begin with the very thing that this show is all about: SWIMMING! Gasp. Not only that but that useless ass bastard is suddenly awesome.

"Rin, don't make this any gayer than it has to be."

So Nitori has finally achieved the status of someone whose name is worth remembering because nobody will f***ing shut up about how awesome he has suddenly become. Amazing. It only took him... twenty-two episodes to make that happen.

To be fair though, at least he had to f***ing work for his fame, unlike every other asshole in this series. So while he might be annoying and pointless and generally a useless ass piece of dried armadillo turds, at least he earned what he's got now. More than I can say for everyone else, Rei included.

Seriously that dude.

So of course, carrot top is all super excited about this and totally wants to uh... pretend he's a lady or something? That's my best guess.

He wants to plumb your secrets.

Upon learning who did the coaching he immediately runs off to go be a pain in the ass, while Rin is all "Yo Nitori don't let this shit go to your head I mean there's still no guarantee you'll make it to nationals."

Aww, how cute. He's trying to set the kid up for failure so that he will inevitably not fail. Is it too much for me to hope that maybe he does choke and fail at the end? It is? Fine.

Over at that other pool, the boys are swimming long into the night, and with Regionals next week, they are totally still practicing their hand-off times. Which, as their teacher points out, is kind of a risky thing, isn't it? I mean if you jump in before they touch the wall, they'll be disqualified.

Of course with that having been said, that's why they're doing all of this intense training, so be able to make the exchange virtually seamless, to truly be a team that is acting as one whole.

Oh and then some other dude shows up that we're maybe supposed to recognize? Maybe?

In a show full of easily identifiable people, these two are the
blandest characters I've seen so far.

Turns out that's the guidance counselor and the principal. Good lord. What are THEY doing at the school so late? And together, even? Ah I see, they decided to wait until hours after everybody else had gone home to come and talk to Haru about the whole scouts still trying to reach out to him and boy is he their pride and joy so no pressure don't choke WIN THAT CONTEST THING.

Finally our home team locks up their clubhouse by the pool, and Gou decides to let them know now that Nitori (who has finally attained named status within the show) is probably going to be on the relay team at Regionals. Oh how cute. Nagi is super happy about this, Rei gets jealous that Nagi is happy about seeing Nitori again, and Makoto hear's Sousuke get mentioned by nickname and has a PTSD flashback from that dude last episode talking about dude's shoulder.

Time for yet another Haru x Mako gazing longingly out at the sea on their way home.

I seriously have to ask. How gay are you guys? Just. Please.
Be a little more open with yourselves. It's killing me.

Mako talks about wondering if there really is something wrong with dude's shoulder, and Haru is all "bah I'm sure it's all cool." Besides they have themselves to worry about. The wind gently nuzzles against Haru's face, caressing his hair and SUDDENLY INTRO.

Honestly this is probably the most delayed intro I've seen in anime for quite some time. Three and half minutes of blissful not throwing it in your face.

... I love you KyoAni. WHY WON'T YOU RETURN MY CALLS? OR MAKE MORE NON-GAYSWIMBRO ANIMUS? BUT SERIOUSLY PLEASE HAVE MY BABIES OR SOMETHING THIS SHOW IS TECHNICALLY AN AMAZING CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT IN YOUR STUDIO'S RESUME.

Oh, the show's back on? Welp, time to check back in with our amazeballs swimbros who are at their giant hotel, gawking at the hugeness of its sizetude. And screw you, everything I said in that last sentence were totally words.

Cleverly recalling past events. I... can't even be mad at that.

But the women quickly put their fears to rest, saying that (thanks to Haru) they are all stars! A shame their teacher has to ruin it with another stupid f***ing quote attempt.

Has not a single person in the last year and a half told her
that her quotes are stupid and make no sense?

Then suddenly they decide to drop down to like five frames per second to pinch a few pennies as they enter, and we find out that other team is also staying at this exact same hotel and have arrived at the exact same f***ing time.

Boy what were the odds I would be staying in the same hotel
as my sister.

Gou mentions that hey, didn't see see Sousuke over by her place the other day and he's all like "NOPE YOU MUST BE WRONG" and then someone proves that clearly, he needs to be removed from the gene pool. Immediately.

Wow, I miss his brother. At least that dude was smooth.
Also? Her brother is right behind you.

He takes this moment to strip down and begin professing all of his favorite things to her while being so strange that it can only have been the product of something coming out of Japan. It's like they are trying to go "HEY LOOK AT HOW GOOD WE COULD DO COMMERCIALS WOULDN'T YOU LIKE US TO MAKE COMMERCIALS FOR YOUR PRODUCT CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!"

Seriously Japan, what the f**k.

But of course Rin waits until the boy grabs his sister's hand and is about to tell him about his favorite type of girl before bro decides to forcibly relocate the young man. And hopefully his penis. I know I would be.

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HIT ON SOMEONE AT LEAST BE SMOOTH ABOUT IT YOU UNCULTURED SWINE.

Haru only has eyes for Sousuke this entire time who looks at nobody, and then we cut to our homeboys getting their grub on at a restaurant. They're even told that, since their teacher is footing the bill they can order whatever they want.

Of course Haru wants the mackerel. But hey, guess who else is suddenly making an appearance out of nowhere?

Oh it's this guy.

He is excited to see not just Gou, but the rest of the team as well. Because unlike his brother, he is able to be charming, and not be blatantly obvious about wanting to put his dick into someone. By the way this dude is some scout for his university and they are just hanging out because I guess they have a lot in common or something.

Oh but hey is that Haru? Boy he's heard about that kid! Man is he an amazing swimbro.

Not only does perspective in this scene make him seem
shorter than Nagi, but could they make him look any more evil?

After mentioning that Haru has 'infinite potential', he drives it in home by saying that everyone is looking forward to an amazing performance by him, and Haru is all like "man I hate my life". So let's cut over to that giant swim team handing out all of the roles for the upcoming competitions, and the surprise revelation that Nitori was brought along for something other than his good looks.

Actually I'm not even sure he's got looks going for him, I mean have you seen that kid?

Sousuke seems to be rubbing his shoulder just a little bit more now, and after everyone is dismissed Rin is all "yo let's just swim and have fun and not regret anything tomorrow" and he is all like "yeah sure okay cool whatevs." They fistbump because they are bros, and oh hey let's see Mako in some intense showering action while Haru lies on his bed.

You son of a bitch.

But by the time he is all done and finds an excuse to force Haru to see him naked, he discovers that this fish has already swam off, wandering the hallways for INTENSE ELEVATOR WAITING ACTION. Only to be stuck in an elevator with Sousuke.

It is fifteen seconds of them standing in an elevator, just... silent. Blinking occasionally. FIFTEEN SECONDS. Before the bellhop with all the towels goes to get off the elevator, and drops basically every towel on the cart, which is just the excuse we needed to have Sousuke reveal that oh no his shoulder is hurteded as he dives to stop the towels, and Haru standing there going "well son of a bitch."

Time for some more intense elevator riding action! Though at least they only make us wait five seconds before they begin talking about that shoulder which they totally shouldn't be talking about but hey since when is Haru a sensitive guy?

Haru reveals that he done saw the pink-haired dude the other day who told him about the injury. And Sousuke breaks character by acting all "OH GOD NO MY BIG SECRET".

As opposed to, I dunno, some dude who would be all "eh yeah whatever no big deal." I mean who really gives a f**k anyways?

But then Sousuke gets off on the second floor and demands that Haru not tell Rin. After all it's not like this is gonna affect the match in any way.

Leave it to Rin to find Mako, thankfully fully clothed, and kind of disappointed that he has nobody to make out with now.

Much to Mako's disappointment as well, as you can clearly
see based on his sheepish laughter.

Rin mentions that since tomorrow is a big deal and all with the scouts watching and stuff, he wanted to know if Haru had made up his mind on some thing yet. Though based on the evidence it seems this is not the case.

This is going to spawn so many yaoi doujins.

Since Haru isn't here, he may as well sit down and talk to Mako about his future too. I mean, he'll probably get approached by a couple of dudes that want to take advantage of his supple young body. What's he gonna do then? Mako's eyes light up as though he had never really considered this, but before he can say anything more, Nagi and Rei burst in, having just finished... something gay I presume.

Why does Rei look like he is so glad to not be pounded
in the ass anymore? Because seriously, that is clearly
a look of SHAME upon his face.

Then they notice Rin who admonishes them for staying up late before a big tournament when he is clearly doing the exact same thing. And since the room is getting way too crowded and Haru isn't here he wanders off, probably confused that everyone wants to talk to Haru, and not just him. It's almost like this entire show revolves around that guy or something...

Oh but wait! Nagi has to drop his super happy act to deliver an ultimatum to Rin:

"WE WILL NOT LOSE TOMORROW." In a super serious "I will f***ing shank you in the pool if we lose" tone of voice.

Now we see Haru is out for a little run, thinking about all those people piling high hopes upon him. Suddenly, things get... weird. There's... lights, he's having coffee with all of his team members, but one at a time, they're talking about scouts will be watching and stuff... yeah this is some weird dream sequence. Even other people he barely knows are getting in on this, and it quickly becomes a regular nightmare.

Oh damn this is way scarier than she usually is.

It just gets weirder, but since this is clearly a nightmare, it's allowed to. Rin shows up says "COME ON BRO" and Haru is at the pool with millions of mannequins standing around. Like, creepy ones to boot.

Super creepy swim mannequins even.

The entire crowd is even made up of super creepy mannequins, and I gotta admit this is kind of unsettling and really, really damn cool. I love it when they pull off shit like this, it really shows the kind of love and devotion they put into their work, and I hope to see them do more stuff like this for something that isn't about closeted swimmers in high school.

Haru gets ready to dive in, and discovers now that he is all alone. Except for the creepy scout and then he Inceptions into the pool and WAKES UP IN BED. Man what a dream. Mako's still out like a baby, but man he is rattled by this.

Time to pan over the pool they're about to swim in while Mako asks Haru what's up.

Oh and some other pointless ancillary characters show up too I guess.

Seriously do any of those three other than the middle one
have a name? Or lines???

Sadly their old coach couldn't show up because he is an adult with responsibilities such as RUNNING A BUSINESS and Haru is all like "man I do not know if I want to swim today suddenly". Cue the whispering about scouts within earshot of him and he's all super not into the swimming thing now. Leave it to the gentle giant to break him out of his little thing, adn then they're all "OKAY LET'S TEAM THIS" and now we get to see some other pointless characters doing pointless things.

I really have no idea why this is important to anything at all.

The bro is all "oh so this is Rin's ultimate team huh?" and seconds later the little bro is all "YO BITCHES WHAT UUUUUP LET US BE THE ULTIMATE TEAM" and everyone is wondering what the f**k he has been smoking.

This has so many opportunities for penis jokes. Such as,
"Now I know what to do with Rin's sister!"

I guess he was moved to tears by the dude's recounting of the events of the last episode of the first season where Rin swam for the wrong team and nearly got everyone kicked out and stuff, and he is super stoked to be one of Rin's friend's placeholder.

He too knows what it is like to be replaced by someone else.

So off to the warmup pool so they can get this shit all done with, and they're off into the bright light. Bros swim, and Sousuke chokes at the last moment because of his shoulder, and heads off for a 'drink'.

Time for the singles swimming, starring Mako who is either too close or too far away to really make anything out. Swimming happens, cheering happens, and Haru is dispassionate about the whole thing. Mako winds up coming out in fourth, and they're all like "well damn this is actually more competitive than we thought it would be."

Still, 4th place is damn amazing, but not enough to make it to finals. So Rin and Haru finally get to have that talk that's been bothering him, and Haru just doesn't feel like talking about it and gets left behind at the insistence they will talk after the race.

Time for Rin's race, while everyone watches, and cheers, and stuff. Rin is super amazing, of course, and has way more budget for his race than Mako's. Rin clocks in at number one, and is just straight up f***ing awesome. Haru's turn! He's probably going to choke, since he remembers his nightmare. His race is less than impressive, and he feels like the water is fighting against him. Quite literally, in a way that is actually pretty damn awesome.

He just stops midway through, and gives up to everyone's shock. Dude just isn't feeling it right now.

Way to throw the race asshole. Rin is super pissed off, and confronts him in the locker room. What the hell was he thinking, with all of those eyes watching him? This was a super important match!

Dun dun... duuuun?

Cue the other teammates walking in just as Haru declares that he swims only for himself and his friends, and nothing else.

So basically, you volunteered to take part in a super important match for your school, and then backed out at the last moment because you just weren't feeling it.

I'd be pretty pissed off actually if I were his friends. It's one thing to piss away your future and all that, but to use your friends as your excuse for doing it? That is a f***ing dick move my friend.

Rin gets it, but doesn't really get it, and freaks out some more.

You are never going to make out are you?

Eventually Haru has had enough of Rin's shit, and straight up tells him that he doesn't give a shit. He has no dreams, no future planned out ahead, that's just stuff Rin keeps pushing off onto him and he's kind of tired of it. Which leaves Rin... well, stunned. Then he realizes he just snapped in front of his pals, and promises to swim the relay with them because that's why he's here, and Mako is kinda sad.

Meanwhile, Sousuke cries in the shower because his shoulder hurts and the episode is fading into credits. I imagine fading out of existence is rather painful.

So to recap: Haru is a dick, Nagi is poking Rei in the butt, and Rin and Sousuke are secretly fragile maidens.

... you have four episodes to have SOMEBODY MAKE OUT IN THIS SHIT. DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME.