Free! Eternal Summer Episode 12 - A Swim-Off in a Foreign Land!

I am super excited to be watching this show.

Not even a joke. I am legitimately, one-hundred percent on board with this show now. You do not even know.

YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW.

Of course, you probably do now because I just described how very on-board I am with this show. But for the sake of the narrative. YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW.

LET US COMMENCE WITH THE FREE GAY SWIM GUYS. GAYS. STUFF. LETS DO THIS HARU.

We open this show with the one place we totally expected this show to begin. The airport!

... wait no I didn't expect that at all.

Uh, did I just walk into the wrong anime or something?

Oh. It makes sense because Haru provides a passport and is spoken to, in Aussie-English, "Wot's de purpose of yer visit eh?"

He, of course, has no f***ing clue what the dude just said.

Points to KyoAni for authentic accents and actually making me think I'd accidentally started watching the English dub by accident. Kudos!

But Rin to the rescue as he comes up and chimes in that they are totally here to sight-see! In... a remarkably easy-to-understand English accent.

... I am so confused right now for a lot of reasons, but I guess now our show has moved to the land down under.

Cut to the montage of Haru trailing Rin through the airport, past lots and lots of stuff that could be interesting but is totally ignored, until he finally asks the question that's on everybody's mind.

Is there a reason you chose not to ask this until AFTER
leaving the goddamned country or something??

No time to explain, we got a bus to catch! In a country full of foreigners.

It is at this point I must unfortunately take away points from KyoAni, for not properly welcoming their foreign visitors. I was told that everybody that visits is welcomed in such a manner. MY LIFE IS A LIE.

Oh and I guess roll that intro or something too while you're at it.

Afterwards, we find out that the rest of the cast do, in fact, still exist, and are just as surprised as the rest of us at the cold intro for today that literally came out of f***ing nowhere.

Yeah I mean what the hell is up with that anyway?

Turns out, this is all Mako's fault. For telling Rin about what was up with Haru which prompted him to abduct their friend suddenly before a major tournament and go off to Aussieland.

... I am struggling to understand how this could possibly have worked. I mean, Rin I can understand to an extent. Though how his folks ever okayed him just FLYING OFF THE AUSTRALIA on a whim, that's even harder. Who the f**k paid for those tickets anyways??

Furthermore, how in the hell does Haru suddenly have a passport? Dude doesn't even have parents as far as I'm aware much less any reason to leave the goddamned country. And I am pretty sure it takes more than f***ing day to get a passport in Japan, and then fly off to Australia.

There are so many issues with this, I'm suddenly considering wagging my finger at KyoAni. But I like you guys, and what with the whole declaration of love last episode I'm willing to let a few things slide but you boys are seriously starting to stretch the suspension of disbelief pretty damned far in just the first three minutes.

Whatever it is, I'm sure it somehow involves swimming.

So the three Wussketeers realize they can do nothing but hope Haru magically comes back feeling amazing after this trip where Mako believes "something really good will happen". Segue with a hawk flying overhead, and we're back to the Outback. Or a plane flying in the sky over the Outback whatever. There's also some super pretty water effects!

Don't you be getting any weird ideas Haru.

After realizing Rin is nowhere to be seen and begins to freak out a little at being in a foreign country all by himself where NOBODY SPEAKS JAPANESE, Rin shows up and is like "I got us some flavored water. I even got your favorite: BlazBlue."

Seriously. It's BlazBlue flavored water. LOOK AT IT!

Haru gets a little sore in the butt about being left alone like that and never wants Rin to leave him like that ever again. Rin apologizes for the shit he said at the tournament, the whole ignoring Haru's feelings and all that, and they sit in the park as he's like "so I just wanted to say Haru I always thought you were kinda cool. Welp, time to go!"

Where to? You'll find out later but who gives a f**k look at all this goddamn gorgeous f***ing water effects man seriously.

Just look at all that lovingly-crafted fluid effects. It's so real!

Oh but that thing he came here to show Haru is tomorrow so instead they're going TO THE BEACH.

Haru, you should realize by now that you've been swindled
into going on a date with Rin. TO AUSTRALIA.

They head down to the sand, and Haru is all "don't feel like swim" and Rin is all "dude, you f***ing tried to jump into a turtle tank at the store don't give me that shit!"

Damn Rin at least buy the boy dinner first.

Then Rin makes the comment that he never thought Haru would ever agree to go on this trip, and Haru is all "I just don't wanna be there right now", which makes his reactions at the start of the episode very inconsistent with everything else. Who the hell is like "bro, you wanna come to Australia with me tomorrow for totes unspecified reasons?", and who the hell goes "uhh sure I guess?"

WHO THE HELL PAID FOR THESE TICKETS ANYWAYS?

Ah but Rin is suddenly the Rei of the show, as in an ace detective and pegs Haru and Mako as having gotten in a little lover's quarrel. Aww how cute of him to pretend to not know and give a shit.

Okay, ew. Ew. Ew. Dude. TMI.

But Haru's never been in a fight, and Rin hears that Mako figured out what to do after graduation, and boy don't you feel nice looking at the ocean here with your first mancrush? Then Rin pretends he has feelings, what with the whole recounting the story of traveling to Australia without any parental guidance to go to a school where he didn't even speak the local language.

... yeah seriously whose bright idea was this? You're not going to talk about it? Oh okay then, continue with the "Rin actually has feelings" story.

Annnnnnd then I immediately feel the need to scream for an adult because the show gets pretty rapey. In which I mean, a lot rapey.

Actual dialogue: "I'm so glad you're here. Hop inside the car."
STRANGER DANGER. STRANGER DANGER!

It does not help that they specifically chose not just those mannerisms, and that camera lens, or that character design, but casted the creepiest f***ing VA they could to deliver that dialogue IN ENGLISH. That's the kind of shit that makes your skin crawl, and forces you to ask yourself WHAT PARENT IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD ALLOW THIS KIND OF SHIT?

The worst kind. That's who.

It's all okay though, becasue kid Rin saw the sea and was all "yeah I got friends out there woo" and goes on to say "oh yeah so I never told you about my time here did I?" AND NO YOU DID NOT BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ASSHOLE THE ENTIRE FIRST SEASON OR DID YOU FORGET.

Also, his new class is all "holy shit what is up with this Japanese kid with the terrible English accent what the f**k is this."

Hey are we gonna see more of her because I wouldn't mind
seeing more of her in this show just saying.

He introduces himself as being a boy with a girl's name or something, and I guess something got lost in translation or whatever, but he started going to school here! Also, I guess his teacher here also had a thing for shitty sayings because she just says "One of my favorite sayings is, when in Rome, do as the Romans do!" for like no reason as he continues to narrate this oddly bizarre yet beautifully-done sequence, going on about how hard it was for him to be able to speak perfect English.

Rin tried to explain to his classmates what a "circle" tree was. Actually he meant to say "sakura" but god was his accent just utterly atrocious at that age. He went to school at day, trained under his 'coach' at night, and met with a bunch of really awesome other swimbros and competed against them.

It was here that he learned that all of his speed in Japan meant jack diddly here because everyone was way more amazing than him at every swim thing.

Eventually Haru goes "yeah I really just don't give a shit about your story kay?"

Well hey be fair, maybe if you listen he'll mention that
blonde-haired beauty again from earlier.

Sadly Rin stops his story and is all "so let me show you some other place" and shows up on the doorstep of the people he probably lived with or something who, again in perfect f***ing English are "Oh wow it's Rin!"

Seriously these voices are AMAZING. I am in love.

Shit, they're even talking with authentic-enough Aussie accents, as they ask how things were back in the Nihons.

I guess Rin was staying with Steve Irwin's brother.

His accent is still pretty goddamned bad, but they're actually conversing which is pretty awesome. Oh and Haru is off in the background just kind of twiddling his fingers not even listening whatever he's too cool to care OH MY GOD HE IS TURNING INTO RIN NOW.

Eventually, Haru realizes the couple is saying his name an awful lot. Probably because they're asking if this dude is that Haru guy he was always on about all the time. Rin eventually drags Haru over and they don't seem to care if he doesn't speaka their language, and introduce themselves anyways.

Well, Haru seems to understand enough English to say "Nice to meet you". Okay. Baby steps I guess.

And then the family dog Winnie comes out of nowhere sounding nothing like an actual dog, but rather like a person pretending to be a dog, and promptly slobbers all over Haru's leg, to the amusement of everybody else.

... what could you find like, ten English VA's, but not a single f***ing ACTUAL AUDIO CLIP OF A DOG BARKING?

... whatever gonna let that slide. They officially welcome him to Australia, he spends some time with the dog, and they have dinner. The couple talks about how Haru is just how Rin always described him back in the day. Complete with "eyes as clear as water".

I just sai- oh fine Rin. Points for actually translating.

Then they ask Haru to confirm that he only swims "Free", and he's all "the hell do they know that?"

Well I'm sure it's nothing to do with the fact that Rin lived with them for three years and talked about you every f***ing day of his life. Even if for some reason he decided never to come visit you or his family after he returned to the country.

Y'know, disregarding the entire last season, this would be able to stand on it's own... but that first season is really dragging this down. It's kinda killing me here.

Haru eventually forces Rin to translate the bit about how Rin always used to talk about him. But then Russel and Lori get into a very strange discussion about how Rin always used to be so damned depressed all the time, and they did the best they could for this total stranger who had just dropped into their lives out of nowhere. Kind of like caring for their own son.

I am very confused, but somewhat intrigued, and yet I feel the need to continue watching.

But forget all about that sad story stuff! Eat your damned Mackerel Haru! She made it especially for you!

Then Russel asks the worst damned question imaginable.

"So, you got a girlfriend back in Japan?"

BE STILL MY BEATING HEART.

BE VERY, VERY STILL.

DON'T F**K THIS UP HARU. DO NOT.

Haru chooses to just stare off at the rest of the house while Rin just kinda sputters a bit. WAY TO F**K IT UP HARU. AND YOU TOO RIN. I AM SO DISAPPOINT IN YOU BOTH. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DON'T COME OUT UNTIL YOU ARE MAKING OUT WITH ONE ANOTHER.

Russel makes another comment about  how Rin was a "late bloomer" and they are about to get into a story but oh no they don't have to talk about that sorry things were getting just too interesting while Haru is staring at photos around the house. From halfway across the house. While not even touching the only food he ever eats.

Kind of strange how they don't seem to have a kid of their own.

Eventually they get dropped off at the hotel, and they ask the boys to come visit anytime, and Haru is left absolutely befuddled. Welp, time to get to the room or something I guess.

Seriously, where the hell did they find these voice actors? THESE ARE AMAZING. THE MOST AMAZING EVER. It's like they found some actual Australian folks, went "please read these three lines" and cut them a fifty dollar check. BECAUSE THESE ARE REALLY GODDAMNED GOOD. Even by Japanese movie standards these are f***ing outstanding.

In fact, dare I say, it's absolutely perfect.

Key in hand, the boys head up to their room, and... encounter some uh. Ahem. Some 'problems'.

*snrk*

Haru's reaction, as ever, is kinda priceless though.

The boy has a point dude. You *are* in backwards land.

They immediately get into an argument about how the other's girly name got them into this mess, and instead of making out, Rin rushes off to the front office, where the lady basically tells him everything short of "F**koff mate." She does tell him, quite frankly, if he doesn't like it, he can go find another hotel because this one? They're full up.

I mean they only have like thirty rooms who's surprised that this tiny little place is full up?

Though I suppose those keys hanging right behind her
might make anybody question the legitimacy of her claim.

Hell, she even hits him with a "oh by the way if you cancel we're gonna charge you with a cancellation fee".

DAMN LADY. DAMN. I love this chick. Seriously. This is making my day right here. This.

Y'know what? I want this to be the whole show now. Just this. Two guys, flying around the world. It'd be the anime version of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. QUICK KYOANI MAKE THIS HAPPEN PLEASE!!

After a very brief argument that Rin loses later, we find out that the boys are uh, not as comfortable as they should be.

Or at least, one of them isn't.

C'mon Rin you're making this awkward for everyone.

They eventually drift off to sleep since it wont' matter once they're asleep, and so they sleep. Or... Rin could just keep talking anyways about how he always admired Haru. Ever since that first day. And how he never thought he could ever lose to anybody, and how he was all wanting to be like Haru even though he'd lost to Haru.

He says that, without Haru out there in front of him, showing him where to go, Rin feels kind of lost. Then Haru chimes in that he totally remembers that tournament. Which causes them to remember that race from earlier in the spring, where Rin was testing Haru, and was super excited when it felt like Haru could still be in the same league as him.

Didn't Haru feel it too, back then? That connection they shared? The special bond between them? LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL AUSSIE SKYLINE LOOK AT IT, IT IS BEAUTIFULLY RENDERED WITH LOVINGLY CRAFTSMANSHIP.

They really did go out of their way with this. Wow.

Now the boys are at a train station, surrounded by foreigners, and now is a good time for Rin to ask Haru what he would do if he found a dream. Now they're on the train, in a quiet musical montage, and they get all close and look out a window and dawww how romantic.

They run around, go to an aquariam or something, and find their way into some kind of stadium or whatever. Oh, I guess the "Aqua Cenre" isn't an aquarium, it's an international goddamned stage. With a really swell f***ing pool.

It's so swell, one might almost call it... swole.

And this is why Rin has brought Haru all of this way: To swim in this f***ing pool. That I guess anybody can swim in or something. Why Rin even came prepared with an extra swim suit just for Haru, and oh look at those other guys who are about to use the pool too.

Yep, those are swimbros too I guess.

There's also another pool nearby for the plebes, Rin points out, but shit, if you got the balls to go up against the National Team, then you can go for it.

... is this an actual thing? I kind of want someone who lives in Australia to tell me if this is actually the case because it seems like this should totally NOT BE THE CASE.

So what's it gonna be, Haru? ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH TO SWIM WITH THE BIG BOYS? ARE YOU?

Shit yeah of course they are. They just go right past that team doing warmup exercises, and climb onto a diving board. THen some other bro gets up beside Haru, goes "Hey mate!", puts on his swimgear, and prepares to have a go.

Which causes Haru to suddenly imagine competing in this place, with thousands of cheering voices swelling around him.

He wants this. He wants to f***ing swim. HE WANTS TO DO THIS. HE WANTS TO FLY LIKE A BIRD OVER THE WATER.

Wait what. But he wants this, to... fly like a bird... over a pool or something, I guess. So Rin is all "bro LETS DO THIS" and Haru is all like, "Kay."

Then some birds fly off and we discover they are, actually, in Sydney. Which makes sense I guess. Just not sure why it took them all episode to establish that.

Yeah seriously not getting why they didn't use this earlier.

Rin finally tells Haru that he got a letter from his old coach, asking him to please come join their swim team. And he tells Haru straight up that he's planning on accepting the invitation. That explains Rin's ticket. But what about Haru? Also, wouldn't a phone call have sufficed?

Then they watch the birds flying off in the sky and Haru is all "I found it bro." END SLATE.

I am confused. Like, seriously confused. I get the intention here, and I'm not arguing that but... where the hell did that other ticket come from???

I feel I will never get an answer for this. Given that there's only one episode left? That's very likely.

... seriously who paid for that damn ticket and why. This is just making my head hurt.