Dog Days Episode 10 - The Hero, The Princess, and a Ray of Hope

I'll be honest here. Yeah, I know, I'm behind again, blah blah blame the weather making me feel like dying and all that. But I was not planning on writing this up yet.

I was expecting to push it off until tomorrow given how quickly I passed out after work, but then after two hours my brain was all "HEY. YOU HAVE SLEPT ENOUGH AFTER OPERATING FOR TWENTY HOURS STRAIGHT. HIIIIIIIIIIII. CAN WE HAS FUN TIMES NAO?"

F**k you brain. I really needed that sleep.

Perhaps torturing myself with this will make it think twice before it does this to me again. DO YOU SEE WHAT I AM DOING HERE BRAIN? YOU DON'T LET ME SLEEP AND I GIVE TO YOU THE HORRIBLE BURNING. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

They're kind enough to give us a quick 20-second recap on the things that happened last episode before diving into the intro today. Which is acceptable, given that this is near the end of the season and I will take a quick "this is what happened last time" to bring you back up to speed. I appreciate such things, as I am pretty sure I note just about every time it's handled properly. Which it has been in this case.

Now that we've gotten all of that stuff out of the way let's... wait, does this episode not have a title or something? Did... did I miss something here? According to Wikipedia it has a title so... well, whatever. Considering the people in charge of subtitling this magnificent piece of atrocious words (and they can't seem to understand Cinque is not spelled 'Sink'), I'm going to guess that they've just stopped giving a f**k about proper translation. They probably figured nobody was watching anymore.

That, or the title will show up later or something. Whatever.

We enter the scene with Princess Pink staring at that the demon in the sky and falling to her knees going "oh uh, shit?" Meanwhile her friend just kind of looks angry as it descends. Leo has to inform her friend that no, this is not the local 'land god', but probably the Demon that was sealed up long ago.

Cue the land explosions out of nowhere! Just pillars of exploding light all over the place, and our floating pals struggle to remain on the platform as the Demon slowly begins to break out of its cocoon.

So what does our princess in pink do? Does she recoil in horror at this terrifying beast? Does she begin considering her best course of action for surviving? Nope, she takes note that the Demon "appears to be crying".

Don't you f***ing dare Dog Days, DON'T YOU F***ING DARE.

Eventually, the Demon breaks free and he is just less than pleased.

Although I suppose it's possible he just wants a hug.

Oh yeah and he's accompanied by what appears to be little tiny fox sperm spirits or something.

No, you did not read that wrong. I said fox sperm spirits. Just look at that image and tell me that's not exactly what they look like.

So our local savior in pink grabs hold of her tiny dagger blade artifact thingy, and the Demon roars out in.... anger or something? I just get the feeling he likes to yell.

Also, discount Naruto Kyuubi.

Oh yeah and then the vines with sharp blades on the end bust out of the ground and attempt to skewer them some Princess, but Leo is having not a whole lot of that, and tries to protect her friend. Then Millhi goes to keep her friend from being skewered in the back, and winds up taking the hit anyways, therefore fulfilling the prophecy of having her blood spilled, and then getting swallowed by a fox spirit thingy. Oops.

I guess it's time Leo went Super Saiyan or something. She screams, it throws some tentacles at her, she screams some more, the monster roars a bit, and Leo is like "I CAN SAVE HER" and then fights one-on-one with the giant fox demon, until she gets slammed back down to the top of the tower and uh, gets knocked out or something.

Then the demon makes landfall and is all like "man it is nice to stretch my legs, I'm just going to wander about slowly like some non-specific Colossus for the hero to come defeat later." Speaking of heroes, guess who finally made it to the top of the tower?

Didn't you guys get the memo? The show ended three minutes
ago, when Princess Pinky-pie bought the farm.

So they notice that the Demon is casually wandering off for a leisurely stroll, and Leo seems to be in bad shape. Oh and the other Princess is probably dead or something. Or at least being digested in a magical bubble? I guess?

Dude I am pretty sure that's what happens when something
swallows you. THIS IS HOW FOOD WORKS.

They've got some time though I mean, she's got those artifacts keeping her safe or something right? So Cinque is all "TIME TO GET MAH HERO ON".

Then Milhiore wakes up alone in a thunder-struck plain and oh what the f**k. Now disembodied spirits are talking to her.

You know if they had established these things as being, well,
things much earlier on, this would be way cooler.

Turns out this 'demon' is just the ill-begotten spawn of some land deity. I think. I'm actually kind of unclear as to what these spirit things are, but given what little I know of fox-demons in Japanese folklore and the fact that the 'Demon' only has six tails, this one appears to have a full.... wait, this one only has six as well? Well... f**k that then. I thought they were supposed to have nine?

Yeah so this totally-not-an-Okami-ripoff apologizes for all the shit her kid is putting the Princess through. Meanwhile, the dark god-thing keeps walking away from the tower and Cinque is all "I can totally do some bullshit acrobatics to catch up to that thing without any artifacts."

Oh but there's some bullshit about how "the power of Flonyard is getting weaker and if you mess up you'll fall to your death" or something. Not sure if it's referring to his magical powers, or if she's talking about the health field that has never properly worked on him before. Maybe it's both? Oh screw it, just set his boots on fire and have Eclaire decide to follow him in his quest to die.

She does this by riding on his back as he Rocketboards his way over to the monster, skipping on the floating rocks because... I guess flying is just too difficult now or something? Then some tentacles get in the way and Eclair is all "I'll protect you" or some stuff.

Honestly my brain turned off about five minutes ago, but when he says shit like this, it just makes me wonder what f***ing planet he was born on because it sure as HELL isn't Earth.

No! There is nothing remotely usual about any of this!! None!

I guess in the alternate reality that Cinque lives in, barreling across the plains on a hoverboard made of flames while bouncing off of rocks without any protective gear in mid-air is perfectly f***ing normal.

NO. THERE IS NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT THIS. AT ALL. STOP TRYING TO BOAST! YOU'RE MAKING THIS SHIT WORSE!

So somefox sperms try to stop them, Eclair is all "dude, WTF?" and Cinque is all like "well, this is kinda terrifying, oh well!"

At least he's pretending to be freaked out by all of this.

Then they sail through a shower of tiny rocks, and cower behind Cinque's cape, which somehow has the magical power of blocking incoming objects from hurting you by virtue of being entirely made of cloth.

... seriously this show is just bullshit.

Of course the hero gets Heroically Bloodied, and Eclair comes out perfectly fine because she's the token girl to be protected in this scene, and Cinque is all "I'm more scared of failing to perform to unrealistic expectations!" and continues rocketing towards his imminent doom.

Eclair suddenly decides that the hero isn't going to make it, and jumps off to launch his board forward to save the day alone while promising to probably catch up once the action has calmed down.

So now he's on the fox-demon's back, sees the Princess in a bubble, and rips through some spirits that turn into weapons to attack him or something. Turns out, blood is a thing that comes out of his injuries, and even he can't avoid getting hurt, but his hot-blooded manliness has had enough of this shit, and he summons some bullshit shield while he flashes back to that competition where they quite literally white out or crop off his parents' faces.

Cinque's mom is so unimportant they just whited out her head.

He thinks back to how everyone was cheering him and his bestest friend was cheering him on and he screwed up or something, and he's not gonna let that happen again, and goes all out or something.

I guess it's time to go check in with the Princess and that fox spirit thingy!

Wait, humans? What? Since when?

We take an almost literal trip down exposition lane where we finally get to learn some of the history behind the land. Information that really could have been useful forever ago, but they skip that and go "yeah long ago, I had a baby and we were land gods." Then one day it rained or something, and a baby fox god got skewered by an evil-looking sword.

... whoa okay what the f**k guys. You.... you actually show a baby animal carcass skewered by a f***ing sword. Will you just pick a god damned tone and stick with it? Is that really too much to f***ing ask? If you want me to take you seriously, then maintain a consistent serious tone. Don't spend the first two-thirds of your show going "hey it's a harem comedy!" and then SPRING THIS SHIT ON ME. Anyone still watching will totally be alienated and not give a shit because THIS IS NOT THE SHOW YOU PROMISED THEM. Not that anyone is even sure what the hell you were pitching this show as. It's been all over the place, I'm surprised the characters have any idea what's going on at this point.

Oh but then the fox god baby becomes a possessed fox god baby, and floats into the air with a f***ing giant ass sword sticking out of its back.

.... good god that is just disturbing. Not Pupa-levels of disturbing, but good god. Any kid-friendliness went right out the damned door, and any kids unfortunate enough to be watching this have surely been scarred for life now. Oh yeah, more blood too! To hammer in the whole 'evil' thing. Then it ate mommy and everything else on the mountain and went on to become a ravager of the land.

Then some dude with the Holy Sword sealed it away, and no one is sure why it's back now. Maybe the seal weakened or it broke out because the sword was nearby or something but whatever the case, it approaches another town and threatens all of the people in the town an-

.... and every child watching shat themselves simultaneously.

Seriously, I am of two minds about this. On the one hand, I can't help but admit that this is kind of a cool story. In fact, it's the kind of story you could build an entire f***ing show around. Unfortunately THEY CHOSE THE WRONG SHOW TO BUILD IT AROUND.

You have constantly been betraying my expectations left and right. You don't know what you want to be but want to do everything to desperately please everyone, and in the end all you do is just really piss us off. If they had set this stuff up properly since episode two or three, or casually eased their way into this rather than just dropping it on us at the last minute, that would have been great. But no. They lead you in with candy in one hand, and then sucker-punch you with a roll of nickles in the other.

This is so inconsistent with the rest of the show, I can only conclude that we are now watching an entirely different anime.

I will admit, however, that Princess Milhiore's absolutely terrified reaction to the baby crying out in childlike agony is, for once, entirely f***ing justified. Because even by adult standards, this is kind of horrifying to watch. Like, the blood just continues oozing from the Demon's face like this were Claymore or something.

Which, incidentally, is a really f***ing awesome show, and an even better manga. But this? This is not that series. Hell, the pup even begs for death because it doesn't want to suffer like this any more.

How hard can it really be I mean, the job is pretty much
already halfway done for you.

So Cinque pounds on the Princess' bubble while she continues to have this bizarre dream that breaks her poor little mind to pieces.

Jesus christ. I've seen lighter tones in DRACULA.

Seriously, this mother just asked the princess to cut off her son's head with her sugary-pink dagger. Sure it will purify the spirit sort of but holy mother of f**k.

The god continues to beg, not wanting to be forced to see her child suffer any longer. So of course, Princess Milhiore declines, saying that if she kills the child, sure it'll remove the evil spirit and stuff but that's not going to fix any of the bad stuff. Like all of the agony you've already suffered, or the pain that you two endured together. It won't fix any of that.

... oh god no please tell me you aren't actually going to go through with this bullshit. NO. DO NOT DO THIS TO ME. DO NOT F***ING FLIP-FLOP AGAIN.

The Princess' reasoning is, and I quote: "Sure the sword is used to kill demons, but it's also used to act as a guide to (humans) and all life to bring precious hope to the land!"

Why you are saying humans when you are clearly some animal-hybrid and always have been is beyond me, but secondly WHY ARE YOU EVEN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION. SERIOUSLY, THIS THING IS ABOUT TO KICK DOWN ONE OF YOUR CITIES AND KILL THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD F***ING DEBATE AT THIS POINT.

Cinque sees the sword glowing or something and gasps in recognition of something I guess, and the princess just continues to completely miss the goddamned point.

You have no concept of the reality before you.
Flonyard is boned.

Then the princess frees herself or something from the bubble, turns out to be naked, and is of course caught by the hero who is just in time to grab her totally clothes-less form. She wakes up and is all "oh hey dude" and they both notice that she has no clothes, and goes "hey think you could save the demon for me?"

Despite having absolutely no evidence that removing the 'sword' from the Demon will work, she decides to place all of her hopes on something that has zero indications of working, in the hopes that once the sword is removed the Demon will turn back to normal.

Perhaps if the land god had said something to those effects, I could buy this, but a f***ing god has told you killing its own child is the best option here. One would think that LISTENING TO A F***ING GOD WOULD BE THE WISEST COURSE OF ACTION TO TAKE HERE.

Oh but she won't let the hero go alone, even though she's naked. But that's okay the broken dagger hovers over to her, glows suddenly, and tada, she has clothes again. Oh and it's a proper sword now.

Oh and the other ring is all "f**k you princess I'm hanging out with the hero" and gives him powers too. And heals his wounds and all that.

F**k you. These weapons had ZERO PERSONALITY.
These are not RAGING HEART and ZANBER.
F**K YOU DOG DAYS.

Cue up the choral heroic music because the Princess and the Hero are going to do some heroic bullshit now, despite there being absolutely no evidence that this was ever going to be the case based on crazy prophetic star dreams of madness. They spy the sword chained to the back of the Demon's head, and get attacked by basically every bullshit contrivance the animators could come up with, only to just charge right through them anyways to reach their goal. Then they do a SUPER SPECIAL COMBO ATTACK, explode the back fo the Demon, and approach the chained sword and tug as hard as they can.

Blood is f***ing everywhere on its back and it continues to scream in agony, but hey they manage to rip that sucker out and a bloody fox god baby simply whimpers as the Demon's form turns to stone, and the ground beneath them starts to fall.

Oh and that sword Cinque is holding comes to life and starts wrapping around him but don't worry, the F***ING PRINCESS LEO shows up with a magical bow shot to SAVE THE DAY SUDDENLY. And blows the sword to bits, freeing Cinque. Oh no the ground is cracking better find a way to escape or something. They hightail it out to safety. Next episode.

.... wait seriously. You're going to just make us wait for the EXCITING ESCAPE CONCLUSION next week?

... I now have a whole new level of hate for Dog Days.

A whole. New. Level.