Dog Days' Episode 1 - A Hero Appears!

"BUT I MADE IT. I SURVIVED YOU AND NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE ME WATCH SEASON TWO." - Me, Dec 2014

 Five months is not long enough to recover from watching this steaming pile of hot buffalo ass. Five years probably isn't enough to wash it all away. But considering I needed something to fill the interim, and it's going to take me a long time to sit through the Sailor Moon movie for season 3...

Well, it was this or... one of those other shows I dropped. *shudders*

I'll take Dog Days' over any of that garbage.

... god why do I do this to myself?

Remember that one show with the picturesque landscapes, crudely drawn maps, and crippling lack of actual animation? Yeah. Me too.

Chances are pretty good this is the best part of the show.

The narrator, who is princess pinkie pie, reminds us about how Flonyard is a place where some shit went down and she did a thing that almost ruined a young man's life. Then he saved the world, made everyone happy, and then got to go home. They show us some of the scenes from the end of the last season, and hope that all the moe girls and 'beautiful' imagery will make you forget that you are basically looking at still images over narration.

Also, blah blah something about love oh look we're going into the intro. Which is so Nanoha, it hurts.

Looks like they'll be introducing some new characters, possibility spending all of their animation budget on the intro, and of course reintroducing lots of older characters.

But screw that they've got a squirrel girl now!

Hnnnnngh why is her tail so fluffy hrnnngh.

Also the show promises there will be lots of magicla bullshit shenanigans and people wildly abusing the f**k out of their powers for fun and profit.

Oh, and don't worry. THE SEIZURE SHOW IS BACK EVEN WORSE THAN EVER.

A very small part of me just died seeing this in the intro.
It literally screamed in agony, rolled over, and died.
It may have been my liver. Hope I don't need that.

As the intro ends, I offer myself a small sob, with a question: "why am I watching this?"

I think we all know the answer to this. It's because I legitimately hate myself.

So we begin this tragedy of a sequel with an overly detailed... introduction.

This is incredibly specific. I'm not sure why we needed to
know the exact time and place. This is stupid.

In case you somehow forgot everything that happened in an alcohol-induced blackout, or in case you were fortunate enough to have never seen the first season, or if you mistook this season for being the first season because adding an apostrophe really doesn't do much for designating the differences between two seasons, they give you a rundown of the main character. By forcing you to read.

All of these details, and what do they add? Nothing of value.

He's accompanied by the new secondary character we totally knew was going to wind up getting involved in this whole mess somehow.

I give it another ten minutes before I hate her guts.

Cinque is all not telling her... something, and his phone rings and... we transition to London?

No seriously what the f**k is with these time stamps why does
any of this even matter.

Turns out the reasoning is pretty simple: they don't expect people to understand differences in time zones, so when Cinque's cousin calls him in the middle of the night, things might get confusing.

Also, I really hate her already and we just met.

Here's what I really want to know though: What in the F**K IS A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL DOING WALKING AROUND THE STREETS OF LONDON BY HERSELF AT 11 PM?! AND NOBODY SEEMS TO EVEN GIVE A SHIT?

FOR THAT MATTER WHY IS ANYBODY EVEN WALKING AROUND AT THAT TIME OF DAY.

Anyway she's got a rolling bag with her, and Cinque is all 'yo someone will be there to guide you' and OKAY SERIOUSLY NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES IN AND WE ARE UP TO SOME TOTALLY SHADY SHIT NOW.

So Cinque and his gal pal walk up to the roof at school and there's a dog with a dagger, remember him?

Becky, this is your only chance to run away screaming and
maintain whatever sanity remains.

Cinque announces they're leaving on a trip. From a rooftop. Then a cat approaches his cousin in London, and she starts to think there's something odd about it.

Maybe it's the dagger on its back? Naaaah.

There's a letter addressed to her, and then magical bullshit happens over at the school, and also on some other rooftop in London, and it's time to go folks. Just jump into the giant glowing mystical circle of doom NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN WE PROMISE.

I think Becky is now beginning to question her life choices
that have led up to this point in time.

Then Cinque jumps into the air, they vanish in a poof of light, and his cousin also does, and more magical bullshit and flying through the sky and we've seen this before we know how this works. They rocket through the air towards the ground in Flonyard, and Cinque is the only one not freaking the f**k out.

Also, a giant magical island rises out of the sea to greet the cousin since princess pink is busy going to meet her pal back home. So our guests arrive finally, and it is perhaps a little more awkward than anyone might have expected.

"COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE."

Becky is about to pass out, so Cinque lays her down to go say hi to that girl he probably maybe sorta likes or whatever? They run towards one another and hug and stuff and he begins to pat her head and he's all 'yo thanks for calling me out like this' and she's all 'man I'm just glad you actually came'.

He remembers Becky so picks her up and goes to take her somewhere to rest. His cousin wound up in that other kingdom, but don't worry, I'm sure she'll be fine.

Don't take that out of context.

Leo is all 'sup, I have ears, you're mine now bitch' and a bunch of other people are there waiting for the returning champion.

... and are accompanied by the doofiest birds they could scrounge up.

Oh look, it's the green haired tsun who is all 'it's about time rar rar' then more hugs are occurred.

Watch closely, my son. This is what they call 'rape'. And it is good.

What, you thought I was joking? It's not even thinly veiled.

Welcome to the entire show, there are 13 minutes remaining.

He finally manages to extricate himself from the pile of girls, and goes to grab Eclair's hand and oh look Becky is waking up so better get in her face and stuff. Welcome to Flonyard, land of the floating islands. He likes you and really wanted to show you this and stuff. She states the obvious stuff, and he decides now is a good time to introduce her to all of his friends.

All of his friends who are girls.

That moment when you suddenly realize, you're in a harem anime.

It takes Becky a moment to realize that all of these 'friends' of his aren't just girls, but they're all anthropomorphic girls. Ears and tails oh my. The princess welcomes her here and takes her hand and stuff, and is all 'don't worry, you'll get used to being a member of Cinque's harem in no time'. Then fireworks go off over the capital, and of course there is some kind of festival or whatever so everyone is off to go do that.

Becky wastes no time in trying to FREAK THE F**K OUT.

I'm sure you do, but if you expect any of them to be answered,
I'm sad to inform you that you are in the wrong show, honey.

Cinque promises to explain everything later, but we all know that means 'never', they climb on birds and head off into a commercial break, which comes complete with the cheesecake we've all come to expect from Dog Days.

Once again, I have to wonder just who they were marketing
this show towards.

Oh, hey, remember that thing this show was so infamous for?

I'm going to start crying now. The wars are back. Oh good
god, the wars of fun and profit are back. God damn it.

Armies clash and people turn into little animal dolls and the announcers are reintroduced and people are happy because yay war.

I've never seen so many people so amazingly happy about
something which in reality is utterly horrifying.

Of course, this isn't just your average run-of-the-mill war. Oh no. They're pulling out all the stops for a reason.

I now have a new reason to hate this show.

I've figured out what I hate most about this show. It does a lot of things wrong, but the thing that aggravates me the most is the hero worship. Entire countries are arranging a welcoming ceremony for one guy. One. They want him to look as amazing as possible, because Cinque is amazing and therefore he needs to look amazing at all times because my god look at how perfect and amazing this guy is.

It's enough to make me want to vomit.

But where is the hero? Well he hasn't shown up yet but he will. Oh he will. Also some other people but who cares because everyone is here to see THE HERO. I will say the animation seems a bit better, but since this is the pilot episode for the second season, I'm taking this with a grain of salt because they already opened with a minute and a half of nothing but static images practically.

That said, some folks took a few levels in Entertainer.

Remember Prince Gaul's royal guard? Well they know how to make an entrance, and boy do they ever make one. The crowd eats it up because, y'know, everyone loves Gaul, and then HE shows up like a boss in a poof of smoke because he's just a badass. Also he's looking forward to having his ass personally handed to him, but whatever. Blah blah where's Cinque anyways? Who cares, everyone is too busy looking cool.

Meanwhile, Becky's brain is leaking out of her ears.

I really hope that she plays the straight man this entire season.
That would be one thing which would make me immensely happy.

Yes Becky, this is 'war'. Or as you guys call it an athletics competition but as far as this world is concerned, it's just war. Because war is great! And fun! And profitable!

Meanwhile, Cinque's cousin learns about him being a hero from Leo, who is all 'yeah that dude is great'. Then offers to let her join in on the fun because that's totally why she was invited.

It may take me a little while, but I'm sure I will eventually develop an entirely new level of hatred for this show.

Just give it time.

I just wanted to put this in here because it fills me with hate.

Nanami doesn't even answer. I mean, how do you even answer something like that? Then some girls wreck shit on the battlefields, Gaul is all 'yeah this is great', and they close in on the enemy base because, uh, y'know, everyone's just taking their sweet ass time before showing up to the field of battle.

But then Cinque actually shows up and has a little fight with Gaul which is probably going to be the very best animated sequence in the entire show.

Unless they stand around and talk the entire time instead of fighting. I can see that too given how this show tends to work.

But then, trouble in paradise as the royal guard's armor and weapons break because Cinque.

At least they're keeping their clothes on this time. But before they  can do anything, they get blown up and... oh. Right. Now they're naked because we needed naked girls in this show.

Give it time, you'll be naked soon enough too I'm sure.

Also Eclair is around somewhere. Leo says a thing over the video cube, is happy he's grown stronger, and oh by the way, your cousin in now working for us pyohoho.

Nanami shows up complete with insane pyrotechnics.

Then the crowd goes wild, and Becky is all 'man this is kind of insane' and the princess is all 'so how's bout it wanna fight too?'

This. This is the true face of insanity. Look at those eyes.
That smile. The 'innocent' look. She doesn't even realize
what a monster she's become. She doesn't even care.

Let me be completely honest here. This is a new level of horror. We've gone beyond simply making war 'fun'. Now we're recruiting children FROM OTHER WORLDS TO FIGHT OUR TOTALLY AMAZING WARS.

This. This is the shit nightmares are made of. But they call it a 'comedy' show. That expression might as well be the entire mascot for the entire show, because it perfectly encapsulates the absurd amounts of insanity that have oozed into its every pore. This. Show. Is insane.

It has the trappings of a good show, but because it can't decide on what it wants to be, it falls short of being any of the things it could be. I can say a lot of shit about Qwaser, but at the end of that day at least that show knew what it wanted to be. This? This doesn't have any clue. It's constantly flailing around, hoping to convince everyone else that it is 'awesome' by virtue of looking amazing, without realizing just how utterly batshit it really is.

And for some reason, everyone is too goddamned polite to point out how f***ing nuts the whole thing is.

Becky decides that she totally can't do any of that, and so the princess decides to announce her to THE ENTIRE WORLD. LOOK AT THIS. IT'S THE HEROES' CHILDHOOD FRIEND. And the world says hi.

No literally, everyone in the goddamn world says hi to her and waves and shit.

Meanwhile, over in some other place in the world...

What, no time stamp? No date? No geographical location?
I AM CALLING BULLSHIT HERE.

Some squirrels are watching, and we are introduced to someone who is probably going to become the one character that will assault my heart directly, by virtue of her design alone.

God damn it why are squirrels so damned adorable?!

Anyways this princess is eating food and is all 'man wish we cough fight too but man I am just totally too busy eating' and sees Becky, and decides SHE MUST HAVE HER. FOR. UH. REASONS.

I'm sorry. Your. Your what now?

Oh.

Oh good god.

No. No no no.

Squirrel sense.

Squirrel. Sense. She decides to go crash the party because SHE'S A PRINCESS TOO DAMN IT ALL. ALSO THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES FOR ANYTHING EVER.

Well, at least this show has ensured I will never, ever, EVER
like this character. Which is good. Because it's easier to hate
someone when you have a good reason for it.

Also here's your title slide at the end of the episode ha ha credits time.

The credits are pretty low-key this time around. Just some images panning around showing off characters while those adorkable little birds make their way across the screen.

It's almost a little sad how much effort was put into making
them all so distinct from one another.

Afterwards a bunch of other people make their way across.

Y'know, their designs are so adorable this way, you might
make a better show with that.

More kind of boring stuff, more characters running across the screen... yeah, this ED is pretty low-key. It's just... boring in general. Then silhouettes run across the opposite way, because lazy people are lazy, and they tell us about how next episode will be but I never pay attention to those so we'll just call it quits here.

I hate this show. Not just because it has things that I abhor about it, but because it has so many things I should like but can't because of how bad the rest of this show is.

It's going to be a long next couple of months because of this show.

Sailor Moon updates will continue on Mondays, as per the usual. I just needed a filler this week though, because I'm working on the next movie which, god willing, should be done by Wednesday.

Look forward to that.

... seriously why did I still have this show lying around...?