Gunparade March Episode 01 - The Visitor

Every now and then, I start to think that maybe, just maybe, my actual job might be trying to kill me.

Slowly, of course, and over a very long period of time.

It seems like just about every time I am about to meet my goals for this blog, I wind up having to work those dreaded 13 hour shifts, and nobody tells me until I'm three hours in.

Shit gets really old, really fast.

I can't remember what else I wanted to put in here, but let's face it. I'm here for one reason and one reason only, and that reason is to drive myself insane. With this in mind, I present to you Gunparade March. Which I may be able to describe as 'that thing Strike Witches wanted to be'.

I hope this is a clear indication of its quality, because the only reviews I could find on it were "THE BEST SHOW EVER" and "WATCH THIS AS A LAST RESORT".

For five bucks, I'm really not expecting a whole lot out of this.

They hop right into things. HEY. IT WAS 1945. SOME SHIT WAS GOING DOWN IN EUROPE. OH AND THEN ALIENS I GUESS.

ALSO. TEXT FOR YOU TO READ BECAUSE F**K
NARRATION THAT SHIT COSTS MONEY.

By the way, here's some... aliens? I guess?

So, thirty seconds in, they've managed to establish that post-war Europe got even more f***ed than it normally was, aliens showed up, started wrecking the place, and war is really bad. Hot damn. And all with the use of static images of war no less! Amazing.

Something about weapons being ineffective and how they 'only cause destruction and smoke pollution'. So we're hitting both the anti-war AND environmentalist messages less than a minute in? Oh good gravy we've struck gold in them thar hills!

Please. Tell me how they managed to combat this threat.

... or you could just call them ALIENS I mean come on.

Here, look at some famous historical landmarks to get you in the mood and to really show you humans what for. Except these landmarks are defaced! Also, I gotta say, the quality of this show is pretty low so far. No animation at all a full minute in, this is promising.

Wait, but I'm wrong! There's a bird feeding its chicks in a tank.

Now it is July 1999 and we have.... spaceships? And... mechs? Wait are you seriously just glossing over that shit? Fifty years of war and then suddenly mechs?

Aw screwit title slide let's go.

This is straight from the official DVD folks. This is some
real quality we've got here.

I'm beginning to suspect that this may be a bootleg. For five bucks, who could blame me? I mean, it's got an authentic sticker of authenticity on the front which says, and I quote, "BEST COLLECTION LIMITED EDITION ORIGINAL", so you just know that shits gotta be legit, am I right?

Then again, this was licensed by Media Blasters in the US so... anything is possible really.

We find out our heroes boat are very close to their target. We also find out that whoever made this DVD should be shot because dear mother of god I've seen FANSUBS better than this shit.

Blah blah here's some names of people whose faces you cannot see, presumably with personalities. There's four of 'em that's all I know.

Clearly her personality shows through all of that armor.
... that is a woman right?

I'm trying to figure out what exactly is going on here but frankly, I just can't. So let's blow some things up and hope I get it then. Some dudes in rocket trucks get told to back off, and then the HWTs are launched. I guess that's what they call these robots? They get dropped off, and I have to admit the animation would be impressive if there wasn't so much shit obscuring my view.

By the way, if you're wondering what the f**k and HWT is, join the club because I've got no goddamn clue.

So now our robots are on the ground. It's raining and visibility is shit. Also some dead birds and goldfish for... some reason. They go through what once was a civilian district. Which is curious because it must have been just that within the last couple of days for these bodies to not be decayed and all that, and if aliens have been wrecking shop for the last five decades you'd think they might have hit Japan earlier but who cares about plot holes? Just ignore them!

Then smoke appears in the distance, they spot it and go 'welp better stay calm' and someone else is like 'I'll shoot you' or something. Oh but look aliens.

Gunfire rings out, they start shooting the shit out of things, and then discover an entire horde of these things waiting in some construction building.

Not sure if being polite or just a dick to construction.

More gunfire, some fun little details here and there, and... these aliens are apparently exploding giant tree frogs?

Then some more stuff gets said that is so full of undefined technical jargon that I honestly have zero idea of what is being said. I guess they're saying combat resolved in the last five seconds but oh wait hang on there's still some other giant alien? Good god.

So now's a perfect time to cut to a completely unrelated scene!

What in the actual f**k is going on here. Is this the real life?
Or is it just fantasy?

Anyways this kid is named Yu and he's reading a book and he's like the cutest eight year old until his mom or whoever is all YO STOP THE READING WE GOT WORK TO DO and the kid just kinda goes 'aww' and closes the book.

Back to the action from earlier with giant mutant tree frogs shooting... spores or something? I'm having a hard time keeping track of the action frankly.

Then Yu looks at a giant green orb I guess, some numbers count up on a screen, some music plays and...  uh, I really have no idea what the hell is going on. The orb is sealed in a tube and I guess this PBE thing is ready to go? Whatever the f**k THAT is. Then the HWTs are told to pull back now?

Why do I get this feeling that none of these things will ever be defined? They just drop us right in and expect that we'll know what the f**k is going on without any context other than SO YEAH ALIENS AFTER WW2 THE END.

So the troops are all 'man are you shitting me' and I guess ha ha commanders don't know what's going on etc etc cut to a giant.... bullet?

I seriously have no idea what this thing is, but it can't be a bomb.

Also there are helicopters I guess somewhere? Because one of them kills that lady straight up since I guess the pilot is... I dunno. Controlled?

She straight up is just murdered, and the rest of the ship thing she's on is attacked. Is the kid okay? Hell if I know, but I think I may actually be somewhat scarred from this scene because much like the rest of this show, it comes out of f***ing nowhere.

Then the PBE explodes midair, which turns out it was some kind of bomb, and the entire city just kind of goes boom.

Then some lady walks up some stairs to where a kid is sitting in a classroom? Her name is Nono and... I guess she's important or something? Lady wants to know what's wrong with the kid.

This is not a proper response to 'what's wrong?'

Now a thing is taking off from a destroyed city. What's going on in this show? Some dude talks to some other dude about how they need to use another PBE tomorrow...?

Yeah okay, I'm even more lost than usual here. What the f**k is happening in this show that I am watching? I am about halfway through the first episode and have zero actual idea what is going on.

In fact, I'm almost wondering if going straight from the DVD on this one might have been a mistake.

Then there's talk about how someone somewhere draws some straws to determine what the hell to do and... then there's that giant monster again going 'yo I am here somewhere'?

WELP TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAKURU.

Seconds later a giant plane touches down, lady hears from a blind dude that everyone is fine, and we learn she's a teacher and he... asks her to make some dessert? Because it will be a special occasion.

Wait now it's PBU? COME ON. PICK ONE TERM AND
F***ING STICK WITH IT THEY'RE ALL JUST LETTERS
TO ME ANYWAYS GOD.

Something about the kids will be in charge of this thing. I guess that's the bomb activation? That's my best guess here really, and I've gotta say they make these bombs really shitty. I get the impression the designers behind this show have no idea why a bomb looks like a bomb and less like A F***ING MISSILE.

So now a bunch of girls get on a train or something and talk about swimsuits and boyfriends?

For what it's worth, you haven't been given any character
at all, faceless, nameless talking girl.

My god. This shit is almost as bad as... as bad as...

*hurk*

This shit is almost as bad as Mars of Destruction.

I think I need some antacids now, good gravy.

Then an announcement rings out about some kind of briefing, and some girls with actual character seem... I dunno. Like they've just seen a penis?

Now every time you see this image, you'll be thinking of them
looking at a young man exposing himself. You're welcome.

Boy, I am SURE GLAD they spent the first half of this episode establishing who these people are!

Wait no they didn't who are these people?

Then some dude is talking about that bomb that went off yesterday and how it was probably some sort of accident or whatever but it didn't kill the 'mastermind' so they need to go and do another thing I guess?

Boy I am so glad they spent the first half of this episode
establishing who each of the- oh forget it.

Look! People who are characters! Maybe! Their design seems to indicate the story will somehow revolve around them! Maybe? I'm a bit fuzzy on that actually. All I know for sure about this show so far is aliens.

Thanks for only asking this TWELVE MINUTES INTO THE SHOW.

So what I'm gathering here is that the young man standing up is upset about having to use a 'destructive weapon' and the kid sitting to his left is all like 'f**k yeah it's like a hissatsu' which we know is a finishing move.

... no, that is not what he said. At all. Hissatsu does not mean
"I am feeling energetic". Oh good god.

Once again, I question the authenticity of these DVDs.

I'm beginning to understand why this anime is a 'last resort'.

Here, let me give you another wonderful snippet of actual translation where they try to describe what this PBE thing is.

Thanks for that captain exposition, that made no sense and
conveyed zero information.

One started the weapon can't be stopped, and that tiny girl tries not to fall asleep. Blind dude is all 'you little girl you know how to trigger this weapon?' and she goes 'uh no?' and he's all 'great! I'm counting on you.'

.... what.

I am beginning to suspect I am caught in some kind of fever dream, and I cannot get out.

Then some other girl is told 'yo here's a book, you're in charge of triggering this weapon so read that book and commit to memory? Thanks.'

This is the kind of insanity that only makes sense in a comedy.
This is not a comedy, and it showcases how insane this show is.

And thanks to the subtitles, I have no legitimate idea what the f**k is going on. People just talk without any punctuation and they expect me to figure out what's going on, but I can't do that because I have no idea what the hell they are even talking about! Now they move on to deployment procedures I guess?

They treat this like the typical four man team, with a forward, a striker, a guard and that one other role. Also no yelling because tiny girl is sleeping, so  it's up to some dude to take her back?

Then the girls talk over a montage about... philosophy or something? It's kind of lost on how we are suddenly in a montage.

I'm beginning to suspect the issues aren't with the quality of
the subtitles. It's the show itself.

Continuing to watch this show makes me feel very, very uncomfortable. Because the more it goes on, the less I know what is actually occurring.

Girls talk about other people who I have no clue who they are, and they come across some other dude who might have been in their class calling a bunch of people? Seems he's asking some girls out on dates or whatever.

Oh look time for a briefing montage where nothing actually gets said. Montaaaaage! People read books and do pushups and maintain machines.

For someone who may or may not be a main character, I have
no actual idea who the f**k you even are girl.

Also a wish tree.

This music. What in the hell am I even watching. This... this show is f***ing TERRIBLE. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Least of all someone I hate. Watching this may as well be torture. It has the trappings of what could be a good show, but it is executed so sloppily and without care. Not to mention that we're 16 minutes in and I *STILL* HAVE NO F***ING IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON OUTSIDE OF ALIENS.

So it's time to blow some shit up again and commence operations against...

... a giant enemy crab. -_-

I implore you to look very closely at that image. You can clearly see that thing is the size of several city blocks. Several. Yet this is the first time they've actually decided to make not of this.

So there's some machines on the ground and I geuss there's some guys approaching to attack or whatever, time to basically do that thing from the first half of the episode all over again.

Oh and the little girl stands in front of a green thingy and.... none of this makes any sense.

Especially not when the weapon gets dropped down to the team in question.

... my god it somehow gets stupider by the second.

Some girl is hoping everyone makes it back but little girl Nono is convinced everything will be just fine. Why, you ask?

.... well if you say so.

Oh look there's the impossible ot miss giant scorpion crab thing. Some machines make with the combat of smaller stuff while other dudes set the thing up on the ground which shoots up into the belly and oh no, one person gets stuck behind because they are surrounded. Also they have 90 seconds to leave, so they abandon whoever this number one is because that's how this shit works.

Oh no person whose face I haven't seen and whose name I don't know or can't place. Ten seconds to detonation. RIP person I don't know.

They count down, some dude keeps fighting and then exploooooosioooooooons! It seems to create a miniature black hole or something, which basically tears the shit out of the thing it exploded inside of. Enemy destroyed, great job, also there's no as much gas around.

Then some pilots talk to one another, and some other machine overlooks them and uh... what's going on exactly? I have no idea but it seems important. But then it leaps away because the pilot is 'impatient' or whatever?

What. The f**k. Did I just watch. Everyone makes it back safe I guess?

WHAT. THE F**K. AM I WATCHING.

Nameless girl, you don't deserve to be in this show. I am so
very, very sorry for you. You deserve much better.

.... but wait. There's more.

... what.

I have many questions.

We see a fax of the 'transfer' in question, and we are told that whoever is transferring in will be a 'good kid' because TODAY IS CHINESE LOVER'S DAY.

Oh good another girl who seems important but I know nothing
about whatsoever making this reveal pointless.

ROLL CREDITS.

WAIT. THERE WAS NO INTRO. OH BOY. THAT MEANS THESE WILL BE TEH BEST CREDITS EVER.

ACTUALLY THAT IS A COMPLETE LIE. IT IS A STATIC IMAGE WITH SUBTLE CHANGES OVER THE CREDITS WHILE SOME JAPANESE AS F**K SONG PLAYS.

Note that I don't mean to be disparaging to Japanese culture. But my god it is the kind of shit you'd expect at the end of a Godzilla movie. But worse.

But you know what the real crime is here?

THIS WAS SHIT OUT BY J.C. STAFF.

Yeah, y'know. JC STAFF. Those guys who gave us some of the most amazing series, f***ing period. Slayers. Utena. Excel Saga. Railgun. AZUMANGA.

Of course, they're also the same group that gave us Ikki Tousen. But yet... they've also given us a laundry list of OTHER amazing shows. Starship Operators? My god that is one of the BEST hard Sci Fi anime I've seen in awhile, with a similar premise to this but infinitely superior in every way. ROD the TV? Also J.C.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that, quite frankly, THEY ARE KNOWN TO DO REALLY GREAT WORK SO THIS SHOW IS A BLEMISH ON THEIR RECORD. WHICH IS A CRIME.

A REAL GODDAMN CRIME.

It also explains the decent animation, but otherwise... they really could have done way better than this.

Happy Memorial Day folks. Don't spend it watching shit like this. Ever. One episode in and I'm convinced, this show is some of the worst garbage to ever grace this blog.

How the f**k did I find something Mars of Destruction level quality?