Gunparade March Episode 02 - Do Whatever You Like - I am Who I Am

So, just to make sure I was going to be complaining about the correct things, I did a little bit of digging about some of the content of the DVDs for this show. Turns out, the official subs really aren't a whole lot better.

Also, for some reason this disc just loves to crash when I go turn on the English subtitles. Sure, maybe it's an issue with my video player, but I like to imagine it's actually because the quality of these DVDs is utter shit.

I am beginning to suspect that perhaps it is not worth the five dollars I spent on it.

Anyways, it's time to dive into this show again, so let's hop to it!

This week, they start us out with an opening. Oh J.C. Staff. You really tried to do... something here, didn't you.

Look at all these people I will probably never care about.

Also, because I just can't get enough of these subtitles...

I wonder if it says Gunparade March. What do you think?

The opening isn't really anything too special. Everything is just too damn bright and washed out because nobody cares about colors. Also some crappy 3D clouds remind you that this really is a Japanese anime, because they loved those things for some reason.

Also of interest, upon looking on the back of the box, I find that this is probably an import, since it lists English and Chinese as the two sub languages, but more interestingly, that it retailed at 9,600 Yen.

Given that this came out in the late 2000's though, it really helps to remind us just how far anime has come over the last 15 years.

Also, and this blows my mind, the show got a sequel. Or a spinoff? I'm not sure anybody knows which of the two it's supposed to be, not even the people that watched it. According to the folks on the Internets, however, the spinoff/sequel/remake which is twice as long and includes a movie is somehow WORSE than this show.

I think I'll avoid it though, this already seems bad enough as it is.

Eventually the OP ends, making me forget I was even watching it, and we find the boys playing rock paper scissors. Or we would, but we are instead just treated to watching a door while they shout this, and then one of them leaves saying hi to an old dude sweeping the grounds.

Then dude is running and it starts to rain and then he's... on a train? No, he's going to the train platform. There's some chick he passes with a red umbrella, and we know she's important not because we saw her face at the end of last episode, but because it gives us DRAMATIC SLOWMO VISION EXTREEEEEEME.

Move along, nothing to see here.

So entranced is he that he winds up slipping down the rest of the stairs. Or presumably this is the case, we don't see any of that, we just hear it. She gets to the top, and stops for a moment to look down at him. I guess because she feels slightly awkward at literally being the only person around or something? But she decides, eh, he's not dead, he can get up on his own and walks off without a word.

And then we get our title slide which... diverges from the official entry on Wikipedia for some reason.

"I am who I am" is very different from "Do whatever you like".
Chinese Bootleg senses... tingling!

So now we head into a convenience store! Which sells all of the necessities in life.

Coke, candy, guns...

Of course our broseph here walks into this fine establishment, grabs himself a soda from the cooler, and talks to the old bag that runs the place, handing him his order before he even gets anything for himself.

Seriously is nobody going to address the guns just casually
hanging above the counter? That's American even by American
standards, and I live here!

She say s something about thanking him so they can celebrate the moon festival this year, he says he's late for class, and we zoom in on the TV, which is sponsored by Shibamura. Why is that important? Hell if I know, but the girls see him running back from the store, and talk about what kind of pilot he is.

This is perhaps the greatest answer anyone has ever given.

Turns out that one on the left maybe has a crush on him? She says something about how he invokes in her a "mother nature". Now, given that I realize this is probably a Chinese interpretation, this tells me that she may be in fact suggesting she sees him more as a son or something?

Either way this just gets really weird.

Or ever, as the case may be. I vote for never appropriate.

I'm not sure I want this question to be answered.

This. This is not an answer.

Nono is confused, the other girls are enjoying/aroused by this, and then there's my favorite.

I may never know your name, my raven-haired beauty, but
that only adds to your air of mystery.

Then she is forced to swallow her toothpaste just as she's about to rinse, and everyone freezes, immediately assuming that she will murder all of them in their sleep tonight.

That's code talk for suffocating them.

And now some dude makes a mark on the board and talks about a 'vicotry' of some sort. I have no idea what they're talking about, then they start fighting over some journal. Oh, I see, the 'conquest book' which is really much more of a rejection book given by the images.

I'm more curious about how he got their pictures.

He doesn't want to talk about its contents, and then a tram goes running down the tracks, with lots of girls on their way to class or whatever. Also a report of the latest battle blah blah people died. Well time to turn off the radio and start class! Ring those bells and introduce the new student to the grounds. Or re-introduce her? I don't know, it's kind of confusing.

Oh my god this show is so painful to watch.

The new girl isn't very talkative, but then she gets introduced to the rest of the class because that's what happens when you transfer. Then she looks at that bro from the start, and we find out her last name is Sibamura. Or... Shibamura? Is she related to that commercial from earlier? Probably. She gets told to sit in the front because there is just one empty seat, people try to welcome her and she just takes her seat without a word.

Then we get to watch some rainclouds and hear class get started.

Also lecher dude is sizing her up. Then one of the girls puts a thing under her desk and they go racing out of the classroom for lunch?

Why is any of this necessary? Or even important?

So our wannabe Romeo asks the new girl out, presumably while some other girls are listening in. He talks about all the different kind of food they could eat or whatever, and how maybe he's going overboard or whatever. But really, my question is WHO THE F**K DOES THIS?

Would it not be easier to stand outside the door giggling,
like every other girl?

They find out that he's giving her the exact same speech about how he totally doesn't say this to every girl, while the girls are like 'wait this is the exact same shit he told me'.

She literally could not be more disinterested.

Then someone makes an announcement over the PA about how dude is such a perv or whatever and is currently acting like a regular lech.

Turns out that bug is also an audio device so they can yell at him and stuff from a distance and laugh and he can't do anything.

Once found he immediately starts going over how his classmates just like playing jokes and realizes that he is talking to the air. Oh silly comedy bits, where would we be without them in a serious show about humanity struggling to survive an endless alien onslaught.

Now there's a calendar and I guess we find out they're doing some training today and stuff, so blah blah standard training or something. Also that new girl will be paired up with someone. The lech wants to hang out with her, and volunteers for this duty, so he gets saddled with the new girl, who really could care less.

The training things start up and we hit our commercial break.

We return and they are just starting the training sim thing, and then everythign starts up. Fake robots run around a fake city fighting against fake monsters, and we find out new girl is pretty awesome. Bro keeps trying to ask her out during the training mission, and finally shouts at him and knocks his machine over and starts shooting the ever-loving f**k out of him, which only turns him on more because he just keeps harassing her. Because remember, harassment is cute and endearing!

If you were monitoring what was being said, like a good
training leader, you'd be yelling at the other person here.

Then the training ends, she walks off without a word, and everyone is stunned that she would get so pissy for some reason.

Now it's raining some more, and our mainbro is asking some girl for help thanking some dude? Anyways some other girl walks up, sees them talking, and asks if they're going on a date or some shit.

So glad I signed up for this show about GIANT ROBOTS.

Also other girl tells him that he should totes break up with this chick and come bang with her sometime.

Let's be honest, there are really only so many ways that you
can wind up translating this.

Then she blows in his ear, giggles, and walks off leaving everyone uncomfortable.

Now the teacher talks with that old dude about how maybe the new girl won't fit with the others, and he's all 'nah she'll be fine'. Then some other girl is helping the new girl and complaining about the lecher, and helping her to move into her room. But not all of her stuff has arrived so this one will help her by lending some PJs and bed sheets. Also... wanting to be paid for her services I guess?

Well this just came right out of nowhere.

Turns out the girl is flat broke, which makes the red haired one freak out. Turns out this newcomer is a very honest person who takes the things people say quite literally.

Cut to that dude yelling in his room about how he will totally make this new girl his.

I think someone needs to suffer at the hands of some soap
that's been stuffed into some socks.

Dude recruits another dude to 'defeat' her I guess, and our mainbro winds up heading over to the girl's room to talk. He introduces himself awkwardly, and he talks about how that dude was pretty instrumental the day before. I can't really follow what's going on though. Did she transfer because they had to blow up that place from last episode? I honestly have no f***ing clue.

What does come through is that she's pissy because he's trying to apologize for whatever it is he's apologizing for. She doesn't like apologies? She just wants him to own up to what he did and move on? But I still have no idea what they're even talking about, but he apologizes for apologizing all the time.

And yet all the girls want his balls.

He doesn't seem to understand the term she used. The 'sissy' part. She yells at him to be more like a man, then he goes 'oh okay anyway I have to go now thanks for the talk' and runs off.

Oh but he immediately comes back in, thanks her for the help and stuff, and then leaves for good this time.

Time for another radio report of stuff that happened! Nono shows up to talk to the guy who cooks, and we see her skipping about or whatever. Might as well eat with the new girl! Who can say no to a cute little girl? Nobody, I guess, and she gets right down to brass tacks.

Uh, what now?

I guess Nono calls her a hero because she saved those other dudes last mission. I remember now. She called them idiots or something? Anyway that one with the long hair doesn't seem to think she's any kind of hero, presumably because she's a snooty bitch. Then the little girl yells out of nowhere to stop the developing fight, and we cut to the obligatory shower scene.

I know, my raven-haired beauty. You were just doing this
for a paycheck. I'll forever wish you were in a better show.

We also see that Nono goes bathing in full swimwear, because cute.

Uh... huh.

Then she tells the new girl that everyone has to be friends because that other girl is friends with hers and any friend of hers has to be friends with her other friends so therefore they must get along or else she will bite their kneecaps off.

Or something like that.

Then the new girl bops the floating ducky, goes to her room and stares at the ceiling. Someone knocks on her door, and it's that red-haired girl with the stuff she promised to loan earlier. But before the girl can leave, new girl wants to talk to her about how she's not very good at talking with people, and would appreciate being told if she ever says something to offend her.

Then red talks about how her family are a bunch of hicks who just speak their mind and never mind the others.

Next a cat comes up to new girl's window, so she opens it and goes to pet it, but it decides 'nah just trollin' ya' and she finds that one dude feeding the cat. So she slams the window shut, closes the curtains, and gets angry for... some reason? But kind of soft?

Also she sees a photo of some dude that looks suspiciously like that dude holding a cat and she gets all angry and stuff but not angry and looks at the photo and this episode ends without any actual sort of mecha combat in a show about giant machines beating the hell out of giant aliens.

... holy hell. What did I get myself into this time? Because this is a wholly different level of bad than I am used to. This is simply just not good territory, by virtue of being a shitty story, with bland characters and a lack of focus on what the show is supposed to be about.

YOU PROMISED ME GIANT ROBOTS. INSTEAD WE GET A HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA? COME ON. THAT'S JUST RUDE.