Sailor Moon S: Hearts In Ice - Giving Me The Cold Shoulder

Man. If only I'd decided to push this off until next week, it would have marked the 300th post.

Which is kind of the perfect time to be writing stupidly long things like this? Hour-long specials are, y'know, special after all.

Well, no matter. Christmas is coming early this year folks, because we're going to sit down and tackle this beast, the way God intended: in one, incredibly long and arduous sitting.

Strap in folks. Get you some popcorn and stuff, because this is gonna be a long one.

I like using strange first images sometimes, particularly when dealing with films like this. This serves two purposes: One, I get to point at a logo and tell you what I think of it, but also they tend to make for fun little images that show up when I post this baby to the Internets.

Case in point: So Japan, it feels good.

Ah, Toei. How you've changed over the years. I'm kind of sad this logo has been phased out in favor of an actual mascot, but things like this really hammer in home for me the Japanese mentality. It's very minimalistic, and helps remind you that you're watching something made in a foreign country.

It's little things like that which make me smile, and kind of miss the olden days of anime a little bit.

Anyhoo, they dive right into the film, with a shot of Earth looking up at the Moon, where something is shining and rocketing through space! Then some flowers or something. Wait, no, snow! In space! It's space snow! And some lady going 'oh hey this is Earth, it looks nice but could do with a few improvements.'

GEE. I WONDER IF SHE IS ATTEMPTING TO FOLLOW
SOME KIND OF THEME OR SOMETHING.

So, Earth. Specifically somewhere in Tokyo probably, some dude looks through a telescope, sees some shit flying around the moon, and five glowing orbs making landfall. He rushes off to the nearest one, only to discover...

If I were you, I'd probably stay away from the glowing purple
nastiness. Just saying... shit ain't natural.

This dude is super surprised, and we fade out to... AN INTRO! SAILOR MOON S. ALSO, SOME PEOPLE WAVING. GEE WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE.

I get the impression they're just waiting for their paychecks
to come in at this point.

So all the girls are making their way through the streets of Tokyo, looking at weird shops, including ones that carry... voodoo... dolls?

Note this is in the intro.

They also try on some new outfits and stuff because girls like that sort of thing, and they read books and stuff too because that's what girls do right? Also hanging out at the arcade.

Also those other three girls are here!

Hey there Setsuna, aren't you supposed to be, y'know. Dead?

For some reason, everyone appears to be great friends or something, and we finally get the real opening of the film, where they narrate a thing about a Japanese woman... wait, she's doing what now?

Uh, new... moon? What?

There's a shuttle launch planned by NASA to take a look at this giant new moon. Which seems shocking, but not nearly as shocking as the incredibly stupid thing Usagi opens with.

You know you're going to the moon someday. You KNOW this.
Your FUTURE DAUGHTER is right next to you.
Proof really, that you will be going to the moon.

Blah blah Luna plays the downer card by saying she needs to focus on getting into high school and stuff, and also has a cold. Usagi says she's never been in love or something and wouldn't understand, Luna agrees for some reason and then says she's gonna go home. Artemis decides to walk her, but she snubs him and wanders off by herself into a big crowd.

Then on the way home, she prepares to cross the street all sick and stuff, and of course, passes out about halfway. The light changes, and she realizes oh crap, Mamoru's amazing car is about to hit me. Or some other red ferrari knockoff really. She does get saved by some mysterious blonde dude, however! Who gets cursed out by the driver, and then Luna passes out.

When she wakes up, dude is talking to her even though she's just a cat, and explains she's running a fever and ought to rest and stuff, and of course the cat does that.

So who is this dude, exactly, who gives wet compresses to cats? Hell if I know. but I'm sure he will introduce himself eventually. Luna wakes up and decides wow, this dude is really super nice, all saving me from getting hit by a car, and then watching over me while I get cat-sick all over his place all night. THIS MUST BE LOVE!

How kind of him to not let you just die.

Anyways those girls meet up and decide since Luna didn't come back, something must be wrong, and Artemis blames himself. So they decide she must have run away because Usagi is a horrible person. Which frankly would be an acceptable theory if it weren't for the fact that uh, well, she was clearly sick yesterday, and despite all of the abuse and everything, she's still kind of honor-bound or whatever to perform her solemn duty of watching over Usagi as she becomes the princess in the future and whatnot?

Oh for god's sake you two just make out already.

Artemis breaks up the fight and gets everyone to go looking for the cat.

Meanwhile over at the observatory, dude is taking care of Luna something fierce, what with serving her food on a platter. The door rings however, and we learn dude's name is Kakeru. His guest is some chick, presumably his girlfriend. Her name is Hime, I guess? She asks if he's been paying attention to the thing about the space program, and oh wow, this girl is the one that's supposed to be at NASA? She's visiting Japan for the first time in a year, I guess.

He takes this time to tell her about this new comet he saw the other night, and called it Snow Princess Kaguya.

Okay, that's a little suspicious right off the bat there, but here's a better question: WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THIS NEW MOON THING. SERIOUSLY, YOU WOULD THINK THAT IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT TO DISCUSS THAN SOME STUPID COMET YOU SAW NEAR THE MOON.

She thinks it's super fascinating though, despite how she's supposedly going to this NEW MOON, how NASA might have missed A FREAKING COMET.

Also, I get the feeling Kakeru has no idea what a comet even is DESPITE BEING A GODDAMN ASTRONOMER.

Yes, because I'm sure a piece of a COMET would somehow
survive atmospheric reentry.

For those of you who might not be aware, comets are distinctly different from asteroids in that they are, essentially, GIANT BALLS OF ICE AND GAS.

So, yeah. What you found? Probably not part of a comet. It's not likely even a comet at all. Just because it fell from the sky on the night that comet appeared does not mean it is necessarily related to that phenomenon.

Oh but who are we kidding? Of course it is.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH IT. WHY ARE PEOPLE
ALWAYS ATTRACTED TO WEIRD GLOWY PURPLE THINGS?

But then the comet vanished and nobody seems to believe it even existed in the first place, and it turns out this isn't exactly the first time guy has landed in hot water over some outlandish shit he's said over the years.

Hoo boy.

Luna listens to all of this really nice exposition, and I have to admit, this Hime girl? She really knows how to actually sound like a damn scientist.

Shots fired, pew pew pew pew!

Dude starts getting all weepy and stuff, and we learn he has a doctorate in, well, pretty much everything. But then the crystal glows and he gets all 'unwell' suddenly, pushes her away, and tells her to gtfo. She gets understandably upset because she blew an entire week's vacation just to see him, and what's he do? Tells her to leave in like, five minutes.

So she leaves in a huff, and Luna decides to try comforting the poor bastard as he pours his heart out to her, while the girl stands just outside listening. He asks her her name, Luna almost lets slip that she's actually a magical talking cat and he decides, hell, I'll just give you a stupid name. But he decides, hey, you've got this weird moon-shaped thing on your head, so let's just call you Luna!

... boy that was super brilliant. -_-

... yeah how bout no.

So he feeds her sugar stars, and talks about... uh, shit he liked as a kid? Also is it weird he thinks there's some mystical moon goddess out there or something?

Meanwhile, Hime is still standing outside.

There is nothing right with this young man, lady. You should
seriously count your blessings, and get away. Fast.

He keeps talking to the cat, and talks about an old fairy tale, and how he's convinced there's some actual moon princess out there. But then he goes to find out that Himeko, the girl's actual full name, hadn't quite left yet, and is probably very upset that he spent more time talking to a cat than he did her.

Frankly, I'd be pissed off too.

Luna has a sudden attack of the feels, and meanwhile in space, some shit is going down. That lady from the start is all "WELP TIME TO TAKE OVER THAT PLANET HA HA" and goes down to Tokyo to make with some stuff occurring.

Also, she doesn't really seem to understand the concept of clothes.

Seriously, why are you even bothering.

She makes with creating giant ice sculptures to turn the world into a giant ball of ice, and I gotta say they look pretty damn awesome.

Usagic and tiny Usagi notice, oh hey, it's snowing and stuff, and oh wow look at that a monster. Running around freezing everything. We should probably do something about that.

Who's a cool looking monster? You are!

This thing is just totally impre-

What the hell is wrong with her face?

Anyways, cars and people all getting frozen and stuff, other girls noticing this, better transform and get our business on. After all, it's almost 15 minutes in, so they need to go ahead and fight something now. To a new theme song which is actually kind of lacking compared to the one from the TV show.

Seriously, it just lacks punch.

So now we've got Mercury, Mars, Venus and Jupiter, doing stuff, while those other three scouts see some shit going down, and interrupt their tea break to transform as well.

At least they get the actual theme from S to accompany them, which is way better than the shit the other four main leads got. Sure, it's got no vocals announcing their names, but at least it sounds classy, and is literally a theme from the show, rather than a watered-down one.

So the girls make with the beating of ice sculpture ladies by utterly destroying everything around them in the process. Then those other four girls wind up doing some stuff because they're in this movie and need to do things, and boy, this thing just gets creepier by the second!

IMMA GET CHUUUUU!

Don't worry though, Mercury has you covered with some bubbles, and lets Mars finish it off because WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT FIRE WOULD BE SURPRISINGLY EFFECTIVE.

Meanwhile, the Moon girls... oh boy. They pull a thing where they point at something to get the monster's attention, and run out of sight so they can transform.

And for the first time, Chibi Moon gets her intro sequence. An actual intro sequence.

... it is every bit as terrible as you'd imagine. Sailor Moon, on the other hand? She gets her actual transformation song from the show.

... so why the hell are the other main scouts relegated to having a shitty intro theme? I know they had one from the show!

But blah blah Sailor Moon is on the scene, gotta make a speech and talk about how we totes gonna punish you.

Don't bother, I'm punishing myself by watching this.

Then the thing makes... ghost clones of itself and dances around the girls? Which makes them dizzy? They try to resist, and focus, and Sailor Moon figures out that nope, while one of them is indeed real, it's not the one she thinks it is, and loses her stick.

Which means its time for Tuxedo Mask to WHAT THE F**K.

NO. SERIOUSLY. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F**K.

WE INTERRUPT THIS TENSE BATTLE SEQUENCE TO GIVE YOU: SANTA CLAUS.

Wait no nevermind it's just a blimp, sorry.

This somehow makes this scene even dumber.

Turns out the reindeer are fake, but the santa is ACTUALLY TUXEDO MASK IN DISGUISE.

WHY.

JUST WHY.

WHY IN THE WORLD. WOULD YOU HAVE A DISGUISE OVER YOUR OTHER DISGUISE.

FOR THAT MATTER HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU HIDE THAT HAT UNDER YOUR SANTA HAT. WHAT WERE YOU JUST CARRYING THAT THING AROUND?

ALSO. FOR WHAT POSSIBLE REASON WOULD YOU DRESS UP AS SANTA. ON A BLIMP.

NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE AT ALL!!!

Just. How. How in the name of god could you throw a rose when you weren't even in clear sight. Why would you even be riding under a blimp anyways. Why ANYTHING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. WHY.

He says some shit that even the monster doesn't get, who literally shrugs and goes 'eh, screw it, HAVE SOME ICE.'

Then he attacks her with a top.

A literal top.

And this lets Sailor Moon do a thing.

Monster suffers a heart attack, and explodes into ice, and people return to normal. Yay. Then people forget they were frozen, and return to their normal daily lives.

Y'know, this reminds me of something...

Anyways, everything is back to normal yay, and our unnamed villain is all 'okay snow dancers, that crystal, did you find it?' and they're all 'kyuuuu' and she is all 'well find it already god'.

Then she goes on a nice little monologue telling us how she got here, because... I guess she really has to tell herself how all of this came to be?

Supposedly, a 'long time ago' when she came to Earth before, some 'light' kept her from making landfall, and I quote, 'sent me on a long journey'.

She then decides freezing the planet is a good backup plan but first she needs this crystal thing.

Speaking of crystals, science dude isn't doing well.

Then the girls all meet up, and I mean all of them, and talk about how weird this whole thing is. Then they see Luna wandering around with a ribbon, and they all have a heartfelt reunion.

But what about that ribbon? Well, it was a parting gift from the guy who is clearly being given heart attacks because HE TOUCHED THE WEIRD GLOWY THING FROM SPACE.

SERIOUSLY DUDE, YOU ARE A GODDAMNED SCIENTIST YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT SHIT WILL BE STUPIDLY RADIOACTIVE. WHAT IS EVEN WRONG WITH YOU.

Anyways, he got the ribbon for her, and Luna is all OH HEY I HEARD ABOUT A COMET BY THE MOON WE SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK INTO THIS OR SOMETHING.

They get together at the shrine, set fire to some leaves, and talk about how Luna isn't around and how they can't find this comet thing.

Okay that is kind of weird.

At some point between scenes, like an entire week passed or something? Luna's been busy researching medical shit and going around to observatories and stuff. Boy what's up with that anyways, she hasn't even been yelling at Usagi for being a blockhead.

Anyways, Luna keeps trying to figure out what particular strain of Japanese Wasting Disease dude is suffering from, and she finds that Himeko is caring for the man. She can't even get in though, because Himeko? She's kind of a bitch.

To be fair, she really doesn't want to be upstaged by a cat again.

Luna takes this kind of personally, what with being just a cat and all, and we cut to Usagi and Mamoru sharing a moment alone, on a park bench somewhere.

By which I mean to say he's reading a book while ignoring
his girlfriend talking about stuff that bothers her.

He figures, hey, Luna probably just wants to be left alone. Because y'know, Usagi gets annoying sometimes.

Hey, don't feel bad. Everyone thinks that about you.
Wait, actually, you should feel bad.

Luna despondently walks around wishing how she could just be a human, and sees the happy couple making up by the light of the setting sun. She gets all jelly and stuff as they share a tender kiss, and Luna goes 'damn I wish I could do that'.

So now it's night and Usagi is brushing her hair and humming her own theme song, and Luna talks about how nice she smells tonight.

You're a cat. You spy on her all the time. Why are you asking this?

She tells Luna about how he never really pays attention and is always reading 'hard books' and falls asleep after ignoring her, and Luna asks the important question.

YOU. ARE. A. CAT.

Usagi describes how a kiss feels, and after the girl falls asleep next to her future daughter (wait did she not have her own room???), Luna gets into the potpourri so she smells all nice and stuff, has a jar land on her head, and goes off to see the wonderful wizard of Oz.

He wakes up and talks about how he once had a dream of being an astronaut but doesn't feel very good and was alway ssick or something.

Then he pulls out a photo of him standing beside Himeko and some other jerks who will remain nameless, and talks about how he wants to see her do a thing he couldn't due to health reasons.

He asks the cat to pray with him when she goes off, and he's all MAN WE SHARE THIS TOTALLY AWESOME CONNECTION. ALSO THE MOON MUST BE TOTES SWEET FROM SPACE. HERE COME SLEEP WITH ME CAT.

Then he falls asleep, and Luna recalls something that Usagi said in just the last scene - how cute Mamoru looks when he's sleeping. Which leads to a kissing thing?

GEE. I WONDER WHERE THIS SCENE IS GOING.

YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN THERE LUNA. YOU ARE
LITERALLY FROM THE GODDAMN MOON.
YOU HAVE VISITED THERE LIKE, TWICE.

Then the cat goes to kiss him, and WOW THAT IS JUST WEIRD. THEN SHE RUNS OFF INTO THE SUNRISE, ALL HOLY SHIT I KISSED A DUDE WHILE HE SLEPT AND I'M A CAT.

Her sunrise jaunt does not go unnoticed.

Thanks Rei. Can you please take like five steps back? Thanks.

The girls decide Luna must totes be in love. Clearly that is the explanation here, and sorry Artemis but nobody cares about you ever. They decide they should probably get some proof of Luna's indiscretion? Artemis leaves all depressed and shit because nobody cares about him, and Usagi is the only one that doesn't get it.

It's okay Rei. You could punt her out the window, and not
a single person would stop you.

Makoto laments about how she wishes she had time for love, then they all talk about how they wish they could be with those guys they kinda like.

Even Chibiusa gets a little bit sigh-ey which is weird.

Meanwhile, some other girls are at a restaurant talking about their weird feelings.

Also meanwhile, some ice lady is talking about how the girls are trapped in some illusion, and then Artemis runs into Luna, and wants to kinda talk to her. She tries to avoid him, and Usagi goes to follow Luna to her destination, where she lets herself into that one dude's room, where he lies in bed.

Hang out long enough and you might see them make out again.

Himeko shows up to say that she's leaving again, to go fly off into space. Then she says once she gets back, she'll be with him forever. But he's all 'nope we're too different and live in different worlds and also you hate the moon or something.'

... this just took a really weird turn again. Really, really weird.

He says that she'll find someone better suited, and she says she feels like crap for thinking he might like her or something, then they yell a little, and she runs off crying. He looks at the photo again, and cries all over it, and Luna is so totally confused, but kinda gets that dude loves that other girl. Then She runs into Usagi just outside, and the cat confides in her all the shit that is going down.

YOU. ARE. A. CAT!

Luna cries, talks about how she wishes she were human and could be at his side and stuff, and breaks down entirely.

Can I just say this shit just got really f***ing weird? But they notice a monster show up, the crystal glows and shit, and our villain appears to take the crystal.

SERIOUSLY BRO. COSMIC RADIATION. IT'S A THING.

He gets all mad about how this... woman... thing? Is from that thing he thought was beautiful and that makes him super angry? Also she's preparing to Operation Meteor Drop on the Earth and freeze everything.

Usagi sees all of this, and runs off to tell everyone while Luna laments that bro is sick because of the CLEARLY DANGEROUS THING HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE APPROACHED BECAUSE HE IS A SCIENTIST AND REALLY OUGHT TO KNOW BETTER.

Also, he's really not doing better and Usagi goes 'oh shit that looks bad'.

Bro is probably not gonna get better until that ice witch is taken out, and she's in the process of using it to freeze the entire world so yeah, might wanna hop on stopping that.

Artemis suddenly remembers something, and makes it pretty clear the thing he remembers is SUPER F***ING IMPORTANT.

Thank you captain exposition.

Blah blah, ice and darkness, blah blah love, friendship, and Silver Crystal can save us, blah we'd better hurry.

Don't worry Mina, I'm sure it's some magical bullshit that
only exists in this movie, and will never, ever be mentioned
anywhere else, ever again.

The girls all hop on board and are like 'welp better stop this thing' and we find Himeko saying bye to her friends, and Usagi shows up to ask her a very important request.

This is simply too stupid for words. Even by Sailor Moon standards.

Usagi attempts to explain that uh, there's... really a logical... explanation... for all this?

You have to wonder if Neil DeGrasse Tyson ever heard some
shit like this.

Usagi tries to tell her that going to space is super dangerous right now, and I'm sure that being a scientist, she totally won't know whether it is safe or not to fly.

Then they magically show up back at that dude's place and Luna says some more incomprehensible shit.

What are you even talking about?

Luna is basically saying, if she could pretend to be Princess Kaguya for this guy she clearly has affections for, she might be able to make him feel better and therefore be able to... fight off the evil energy or something?

Okay, seriously. This is getting super f***ing creepy.

By now, I'm fairly certain Luna has lost her damn mind. She is only focused on this one dude who might be dying, instead of worrying about THE ENTIRE WORLD BEING FROZEN AND SHIT. You said it yourself, long as the crystal is around his life is in danger so you should probably be hopping on TRYING TO FIND THAT THING AN DESTROY IT instead of, you know, TRYING TO SPONTANEOUSLY TURN INTO A HUMAN SO YOU CAN SMOOCH SOME DUDE.

NO SHIT.

Also, blizzards are occurring all over the world. Even in Africa. Then Ami calls on her watch and is like 'found their base let's go' and so they go I guess? Evil ice vampire lady is freezing the entire ocean right now and turning things into a winter wonderland. Also Tokyo is being completely frozen over and nobody is noticing for some odd reason.

Then cherry blossoms occur, and who should arrive first but Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto! Here to save the day because someone has to.

And you'd think with a power like that, she might stop shit
like this from happening in the first place? Just saying...

Thanks for showing up but you're too late blah blah here fight some ice dancers. They do their move stuff again because they have all this stock footage and they'll be damned if it doesn't get used here, and more of those monsters show up to attack them but they'll just keep killing them en masse because they have some of the most destructive powers imaginable.

Also, what the hell is up with this? It only shows up for like
four frames... but looks super evil.

In fact, looking back... Neptune had the same thing going on.

I am unsure of why this exists.

Now it's Pluto's turn to do things, and pretty much goes 'time says stop'. But doesn't get one of those creepy interstitial frames?

Also, more monsters, time to finish the heroes off, etc. Oh wait nevermind, here's Mars to save the day. Also some other girls because, y'know. There's like ten minutes or so left so time to use that stock footage we haven't used in forever, and bust that out of the archive.

Honestly, I think there's more action in your typical episode than in this entire movie. That's kind of sad.

Luna finds Kakeru went out in the snow, Artemis sees her running away, and bro is all 'gotta warn my girl about crazy ice bitch' and passes out in the street.

Meanwhile, girls are getting beat by ice girls in rather painful ways. Where is Sailor Moon during all of this, you might ask? That's a great question because she's nowhere to be seen. Until the villain proclaims it's time to end this, and Sailor Moon shows up and is all 'yo, stop'.

So, she does stop.

Only to give a monologue.

She must be really new to this villainy thing.

Luna keeps running, and Sailor Moon continues staring down evil ice lady, and talks about love for some reason. Also, Luna comes across Kakeru, and Sailor Moon talks about how love... kind of... has something to do with wanting to freeze the Earth? I'm kind of confused what any of this has to do with anything.

Pretty bold claim considering the others who've also made that
claim and also failed.

Oh, I see. Usagi says that frost lady is 'selfish' and how she doesn't know what it means to be in love and that's why she's an ice queen.

Yeah because she is totally gonna care about a lecture on love when her entire MO is WANTING TO JUST FREEZE THINGS BECAUSE IT LOOKS COOL.

Then Sailor Moon whips out a holy grail, remembers Luna's wish, and focuses.

I'm... seriously confused. But now it's time for a grail thing, and also to give a heartless ice abomination a heart attack? Their final attacks collide and shit, as always, but Sailor Moon fails. Oh no. She gets knocked back and stuff and tries to get back up and chides the ice queen goddess whatever.

Her response? You seem to be hurting, let me make that stop.

But Sailor Moon stands back up anyways, keeps talking about how a frozen world is boring and shit, and prepares to use the Silver Crystal. Which causes Venus to say 'if you use it you'll die', which causes Uranus to say 'I'll never let that happen!'

Yes. Uranus. The one who has tried to kill Sailor Moon on more than one occasion. The one who despises the girl utterly.

I'm confused.

Then Artemis' words ring through Mercury's mind, says they can do that thing that was mentioned and will never be mentioned again, and they all prepare to-

Where the hell did THESE TWO come from!?

Tuxedo Mask shows up, tells his future daughter to protect her future mother while he holds off everything, and then all the scouts join hands and shout while triumphant music plays and shit gets all glowy. Then the villian hurls her charged lazor, and Super Sailor Moon unleashes her lazor, and the villain freaks out and goes 'aw shit not this shit AGAIN', and of course, we know who's going to win. They cut out to a scene where you see all this nature shit and how life on Earth is amazing and stuff, which is a very Japanese thing to do...

But it really, really does not fit here. It just feels utterly shoehorned in. Like someone just said 'hey we need a thing about how life on Earth is great and all that, that would make this movie PERFECT' and so they tossed it in.

Then Super Sailor Moon wins, the ice queen explodes, her ice spire thingy explodes, and her little comet also explodes from the lazor, and the heroes win.

Oh but since she's got the Silver Crystal active she's gotta wish for Luna to turn into a human for one night because WISH FULFILLMENT YEAH.

Is it technically still beastiality? Who cares, they already crossed that threshold when the goddamn cat kissed the dude.

So the moon shines down on Luna, and she rises up into the air to become A HUMAN WOMAN>

A naked human woman, of course, with long flowing hair, just because.

I get the feeling this isn't the last time we'll see this either.

Luna introduces herself as Kaguya, and takes him on a maaaaagical journey. To the moon.

Nah, that's just delirium from the hypothermia talking.

OH GEE, HERE SEE THE SUN RISE FROM SPACE. ISN'T THIS AWESOME? AREN'T I AWESOME? DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME AS BEING A CAT?

Also that chick is in space seeing the sun rise, and sees something fly across the moon. A moon goddess? OH BOY. THAT DUDE MAY HAVE BEEN RIGHT AFTER ALL.

By the way dude you have to meet that human girl when she comes back and stuff or I'll be super mad and I'm a moon goddess so you know the shit I'm saying is legit. Now shut up and stop talking because this magic is about to wear out and I kinda wanna make out in space in front of the goddamn moon so KISS ME YOU FOOL.

Then he wakes up from his fever dream, still passed out in the middle of the snow-covered street, and Sailor Moon falls to the ground going 'shit this was a terrible f***ing idea'.

But now everything goes back to normal, planes take off and stuff, and Himeko gets interviewed and says some stuff, and sees that dude waiting with a bouquet and ignores all the reporters and hugs him and stuff because love.

Luna is watching with Usagi, of course, and they talk about how things never would have worked between them anyways.

WE KNOW!!!

Oh and a tiny gift of sugar stars falls into Hime's hand which is weird, and Artemis looks at Luna and is all 'yo, welcome back, any chance I could tap some of that?'

Close enough.

Then Luna gets all weepy and attacks him with cuddles or some shit while Mamoru stands around and everyone goes 'dawww love isn't it great' and the movie ends. ROLL CREDITS.

Boring credits, of course. They play the song Moonlight Destiny, which isn't a bad song per se, but there's nothing to go with it, so at this point you know everyone is just popping out the VHS and wondering why the hell they spent thirty bucks on this pile of crap. Or however much new movies cost back then.

How does this movie stack up against the last one? Well... it doesn't. Plain and simple. While the first movie showed some initiative and did some pretty cool things, this one... really didn't. It felt like a soulless cash-grab. The plot is relatively nonsensical, nothing really ever gets resolved, AND A CAT KISSES A MAN IN HIS SLEEP.

There's a lot of re-used assets from the show to pad out the time, and what animation there is doesn't really justify it being a movie, since 90% of the movie is them walking around talking, as opposed to doing things or developing character. Instead, we're supposed to care about a cat falling in love with a human, which is weird enough, but they really took it that extra step further to really make us go 'okay guys, seriously this is creeping me the f**k out and we really need to stop.'

While I said that the first movie was a step up from the show, this movie is a step down from the series it is attached to. Which is saying a LOT when you consider how low that bar was set.

Watching this film is a legitimate waste of time. And I just wasted three hours yelling about it on the Internet.

... God this movie makes me mad, on so many levels. It's the sort of thing that feels less like a movie, and more like what should have been a twenty minute OVA.

If you've skipped to the end just to see if this movie is worth watching, let me just answer your question with an emphatic NO.

AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COSTS. BECAUSE IT SERIOUSLY SUCKS. At best, it will leave a bitter taste in your mouth, and make you wonder what you just finished watching.

Because it sure as hell wasn't an hour of Sailor Soldiers kicking ass. That's for sure.