Kenzen Robo Daimidaler Episode 09 - Warning! The Closed Gate

Oh Daimidaler. How much I didn't miss you at all. You're not the worst show out there by any stretch of the imagination, but my god are you just all around terrible. It would almost be admirable to revel in your absolute suckitude, if you had any sort of redeeming quality whatsoever.

Fortunately, we are nearing the end of this unimaginable suckfest. Yes, I just used two sucky-type words in as many sentences. No, I really don't give a shit about it.

Let's dive into this amazing turd festival.

We begin today's epsiode with some lovely shots of a destroyed city. Snow falls from the sky, cats dig through the rubble for food, and a little girl is wandering around with frostbitten fingers.

And some dude is all "man this place sucks like, what is this a battlefield?" and the girl is all "nope war's over."

WELP. GUESS THAT'S IT GUYS. WAR'S OVER. PEACE OBTAINED, WE CAN ALL GO H- oh wait there's still 23 minutes left. F**k.

But this place sucks! A fact they are happy to emphasize by totally not foreshadowing who these people are in an attempt to build some sort of logical bond between them or something that would totally make sense ten years later.

... have to buy a new condo.

Right. Okay. War bad etc etc. Are you going somewhere with all of this? Well, the dude that totally isn't a penguin emprah is all "so what do little girl?" and she's like "dunno whatevs, the hell are you anyways?"

To which he replies "duh I'm a penguin" despite looking nothing like any actual penguin we've ever seen in nature. Then he talks about how he's lost and is trying to find his way home and boy they are both just so gosh darn alike that he wonders why she starts following him. Turns out they're both lonely. Oh d'aww. PENGUINS ARE AWESOME AND NICE AND ALL THAT STUFF. ALSO YOU CATCH FISH THAT IS AMAZING.

Also for some reason he cooks fish too, and a little girl sleeps.

Then they find a town, and he reveals he's from a parallel dimension. Well gee that just explains everything huh? He can't be seen 'yet' however, but is glad for everything he shared with the little girl, and is all "well hey, I have to go find my family, also I have this thing I absolutely gotta do'.

But no, the little girl wants to be a penguin! He gives her a bit of an allowance to get started though.

Okay, coins are one thing, but precious gems?! Come on.

He say sit "isn't much" and then goes off to say she needs to find her own path and stuff, and hey maybe they'll meet again some day. Cue the quiet j-pop music, and roll- oh wait nevermind IT WAS JUST A DREAM.

Not the first question I'd be asking, but thanks for playing.

Oh and everyone else is there too. ROLL INTRO. For real this time.

I have to admit, this does, in fact, explain a couple of things. Unfortunately it also raises a lot of other questions, like WHY THE HELL DID YOU NOT JUST START WITH THIS SHIT INSTEAD? You could totally build an entire show around that, instead of pervy robots.

Frankly, in the rare moments the show attempts to show some maturity, it's not too bad.

But now we're back into the show proper, and there's penguins hanging out in the bath. Also, now we get backstory about how the Penguin Empire has 'fallen'. Is this another flashback? Because it kinda feels like one, except we weren't warned about it this time. That chick from last episode runs in to tell the emprah about some SUPER IMPORTANT STUFF. Also, she's not a Penguin. Looks like they need those stupid bullshit particles. They're coming from somewhere. But where? AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION CALLED EARTH, OF COURSE!

How did they stumble across this, you might ask?

... I have several problems with this already.

Also, that penguin dude looks an awful lot like NOT A PENGUIN.

So the EMPRAH comes up with a BRILLIANT PLAN!

They're going to build a device that lets them jump to another world.

... it's brilliant.

So they build the thing and they're all IT IS DONE and then they turn it on and woops, way to go emprah, you done screwed it all up and teleported yourself. WELP. GG WP.

But he vows to make A NEW EMPIRE. Only to find that.... wait. Hold on what?

... I have many, many questions about this statement.

So, somehow, he manages to literally 'create' Penguin Commandos. Doesn't say how. They just magically f***ing pop into existence I guess, since he literally 'created' them.

Oh and also magically he made his own device thingy. Progress? Then he remembers that little girl, says 'since I don't have a lolita complex I didn't remember her face', and immediately loses all credibility.

You could remember she had BLONDE HAIR and BLUE EYES. And then find it weird when some girl with BLONDE HAIR and BLUE EYES shows up and is all "I FRIGGIN LOVE YOU DUDE".

But he doesn't remember her so whatever, we're back at the base of the 'good guys' who are all trying to figure out what the hell they are up to.

And of course the commander is all "damn if only that one dude were here", which leaves our new MC going "wait someone like me who used that other piece of crap?" And her boyfriend is all "whatever happened to that dude anyway?"

Answer: He done got blown the hell up. Only thing left were the left arm and his girl, who it appears is the one actually in the water tube thingy.

Then the kids kiss and they're all "look at this shit, come on dude chill out, WE GOT THIS." Which seems to put him at ease a bit. Until they start making out again because stuff.

Now the Penguins are trying to get their new machine going, which seems to have come from THAT OTHER WORLD PLACE. But they cannot get it to move. What do?

Oh, however will they get it to move? If only they had that super amazing pilot from back home.

Y'know the one tha- oh god no.

Welp. You heard it here folks. They're really not pretending it's not a penis anymore. They're reaaaaaally not.

Turns out she came with the robot, and of course, they took the time to find out the important things.

*sigh*

Then Ritz gets all pissy because humans aren't supposed to be part of the Penguin Empire right so what the hell is up with that? Oh well see she's not actually human, she's an artificial construct made using Humboldt Penguins.

The likeness is truly astounding.

I don't think I want to know where this is going anymore.

Then Humboldt basically asks to be raped and strips down and the emprah is all "yeah she's kind of a lech."

They get her to re-dress, and come up to talk about the new machine.

After she examines it, she says that the 'penguin line' in this world is 'too weak'.

What the hell is that supposed to mean, exactly?

It all boils down to "I'll pilot it!" and then nothing happens. Welp. Turns out she can't do it because she can't remember a damn thing. Oh gee, looks like that nasty side effect of the teleporter rearing its ugly head once more.

... seriously this is the shittiest plot device imaginable. It's just lazy justification is what it is.

Ritz talks about how she wishes she could just do it but then Dennis is all "hey let's just use Ritz's power" and they're all "but she's nuts" and she's all "I'M GOOD SRSLY YOU CAN TRUST ME."

Oh and then there's talk about how in the other world 'weird machines' started showing up there too.

For some reason, each and every one has fire coming out of
their heads.

Turns out they're all on fire because they needed to be POWERED BY THERMAL ENERGY BY NECESSITY.

... god damn are you f***ing kidding me. Giant robots powered by thermal energy? Really? This... this is just beyond stupid. It defies all logic. NOTHING IN THIS UNIVERSE MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!

But enough about that, they have bullshit science to do! Time to re-tool their giant robot of doom via selling their porn mags to buy the parts.

Because they really like Ritz I guess.

Cue the commercial break with more naked ladies and stupid robots.

Afterwards, porn mags are shipped out of the palace, Penguins cry, and Ritz is sad because of this.

Speaking of, it's time for the two blondes to fight! Because... uh. Reasons?

Ah, I knew there was a reason for this fight.

But yeah, they're 'training'.

God help me this is so damn stupid.

So the Penguins decide, 'to hell with work we gotta see this!' and then Humboldt straight up punches Ritz's gi off.

Yes. Punches it clean to shreds.

*sigh*

Goddamnit Japan. You really gotta stop this shit.

Also. You've got to stop doing shit like this. If you want
to show naked girls, just show them naked. You already have.
You're not losing anything by doing shots like this.

Blah blah "penguin thrust is superior thrust and now you must master it as well".

CUE THE TRAINING MONTAGE.

Also the building montage where they somehow manage to finish the modifica-

Kill me. Just please. Put me out of my misery.

That's. That's just. I don't. My brain. Why. Why lord. Why do you do this to me. Why do you let people make things like this. Just why.

Their 'justification' is that they took the parts from the other machine, and put it into this one.

Despite that sounding like way more work than it was worth.

Emprah is the kind of person you want coming into your car
garage. Seriously. He's just asking to get fleeced.

But Ritz likes it better this way and that's all that matters. Anyways Humboldt is going back home now. Good luck with that Daimidaler thing, we will never see you again.

Oh, and her clothes got left behind. Oh noes. BUT IGNORE THAT TIME TO ATTACK.

JAPAN. TIME TO DEFEND YOURSELF. SEND OUT THE GIANT ROBOT TO FLATTEN THE CITY BEFORE THE VILLAINS SHOW UP.

Then the villains show up, and they're all "uh what the heck is this oh man it's just like that one that destroyed the last machine of ours oh no".

IT IS FIGHT TIME NAO GET TO IT. WAIT NO DON'T GET TO IT, JUST YELL THINGS AND STUFF INSTEAD OF FIGHTING. GIRLS BICKERING ETCETERA. THEY WILL STOP YOUR PLANS SO ON AND SO FORTH.

And of course the fight is televised, and the emprah is wondering if this whole idea will even work. Turns out, it doesn't seem lik-

What. In. The. Actual. F**k.

So yeah. Ritz does that Dark Souls tactic of strafing around the Daimidaler, the couple kisses and goes hypersonic whatever, and oh no sparkles everywhere. They beat the hell out of the machine, and attempt to finish it off because screw her. Then they rip the head off, but it's not quite over yet. Now they get into wrassling, and legs get spread.

... I really have no clue why this is even a thing, or how it would ever apply to a giant robot battle. It's not like the machines feel pain or anything.

But now they are getting launched into space. Or at least high enough into the sky where they won't damage the city in their fight, which is an amazingly nice move on Ritz's part.

Then her machine gets all glowy, and that girl in the tube who almost died episodes back glows and stuff, and then some spare arm also glows, and then the episode ends.

... so, yeah. Okay.

This show leaves me constantly scratching my head, while simultaneously attempting to bludgeon it to death. My head I mean. The show itself is an undying monstrosity that should never have seen the light of day.

I think there's a good show in here.

... actually no, there isn't. There's a good idea for a show in here, somewhere. It just got lost in all the HAY BOOBS ARE GREAT WHO LOVES NAKED GIRLS AWW YEAH I LOVE NAKED GIRLS THEY ARE THE BEST.

God damn it Japan.