Sailor Moon SuperS Episode 03 - Protect a Mother's Dream! The New Attack for Double Moon

Now that I am more or less caught up (or at least as caught up as it gets around here), the hard part begins: keeping caught up! My life continues to find new and interesting ways to get busy, with all sorts of grown up things young me never would have understood like with visits to doctors can calling insurance companies and calling banks. Adult life is so boring sometimes.

Says the guy who spends his free time watching things he absolutely despises for no immediate benefit. Guh.

Today's episode promises to involve mothers. This can only end poorly.

No, I mean it. Today's episode involves mothers.

At least this time we seem to be dealing with Hawks Eye.

By the way, according to the entire preview, the whole episode revolves around 'dude tries to seduce Usagi's mom'.

That's the entire plot. The whole thing. There's also a whole host of stupid on the way as well.

This is going to be painful, isn't it. Well, time to dive in, so you might as well just roll that intro.

Third episode and I'm still not getting over how goddamn Lisa Frank this shit is. Or just how baffled I am that they managed to take such an amazing premise, and thus far manage to completely screw the pooch with it.

So how do we kick off this super amazing episode of one of the most legendary anime series ever created? With a reminder of everything they've told us over the last two episodes, of course.

I'M SO F***ING MAGIC!

He reminds Chibi-usa that any time she is in trouble she need only call his name and he will literally swoop in and save the f***ing day because MAGICAL WINGED UNICORN. Then the brat wakes up and is like 'shit I keep having the same damn dream'.

ENTER THE TITLE CARD!

It is now raining and there are flowers and the girls are coming home from school. Usagi is super excite because lemon pie, but she got to the table last, and nobody will share because her brother and future-daughter are dicks who also manage to get perfect scores on their tests so clearly they deserved a reward.

While her mother seems absolutely disgusted that her useless ass daughter somehow manages to score a 28. How is she allowed to still draw breath, exactly? No I mean, how is she capable of remembering to breathe.

Oh look. Usagi being stupid again. Sure am glad she's the one
in charge of the superhero team. Suuuuper glad.

We find out that her mom used to be terrible at math too but seriously what is up with this. Then Usagi cries about how she doesn't get any pie, and how it's unfair, and her mom goes 'wait I totes made enough for everyone' and then pinkie runs off laughing about being a fat pig. Her mom tells her to calm the hell down, since she's older and totally doesn't need all of that sugary goodness anyways.

Moooom, stop spoiling my daughter that I am too young to
have actually had yet!

Then Usagi makes some weird comment about how she read a book. A book about children. And how if you spend too much time doting on said children your relationship with your spouse will 'cool down'.

If it makes you feel any better, I would push your future daughter
into the volcano first. Then you.

Her mom keeps getting pissy about how she is seriously making a big deal about f***ing pie, and then Usagi runs out the door. And comes back in remembering that it is kind of pouring outside and she needs an umbrella, and then storms out a second time.

Of course now she's hanging with her friends and complaining about how her future daughter keeps eating all of her stuff because she's a little kid and totally isn't trying to prevent her future mother from becoming as large as the actual moon.

Just tell her that she's actually like, 300 or something, I'm
sure that will clarify everything.

Blah blah mom likes my daughter more than me blah blah my life sucks.

Separated only by a mere technicality in that THEY HAVE
NOT MADE THAT BABY QUITE YET.

Also, Ami just willfully neglects to recall that SHE CAN TRAVEL THROUGH F***ING TIME.

But hey, let's just pull the 'separated from parents' card and use that to make you shut the hell up while we transition to the rainy floating circus tent. Admittedly a cool image, but we hop right back into the stock footage.

Yep. This got old super fast.

Ha ha Tigers Eye was beaten by some little girls. Hawks Eye pulls out a picture of Usagi's mom, and the others make fun of him for it.

So he likes the ladies who've been around the block.

I will give credit where it is due, they are doing a nice job of making me despise these scoundrels so far. That's important for villainous types.

That's his way of saying they're more likely to let him get
into the weird butt stuff.

We get to see a close up of him licking his lips, and now we're back at the house where the sun has come out and Usagi has yet to come home. Which means its time for Chibi-usa to catch Usagi's mom sorting photos and stuff.

Yes because I'm sure that Usagi and her brother looked
soooo alike when they were born.

You think I'm joking about this? This is the picture in question.

F**k you for not being able to recognize the ONLY DAUGHTER
THIS WOMAN HAS EVER GIVEN BIRTH TO. F**K YOU.

The fun times won't stop now though. This boat has sailed and they are gonna milk it for all that it is worth.

Of course the rabbit played the role of a rabbit. They wanted
to make sure she wouldn't get confused when it was her turn.

Oh the parade of images.

Except for the part where her hair is A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT COLOR. And eyes. But sure, let's go with that.

Nah. I'm gonna be a dick.

Yes, you two look absolutely exactly the same despite having
such glaring differences.

Only in anime does this shit happen. Only in anime. They literally look nothing alike. The hair style is similar, but completely different. The hair color? The eye color?

But yeah, I mean you two look pretty much the same.

Then Chibi-usa notices GEE THERE ISN'T A SINGLE PHOTO OF HER AND THAT MAKES HER SAD. BECAUSE ATTENTION. Let's ignore the fact that you have essentially altered their memories on multiple occasions so that they let you crash here. Yeah, I'm sure it sucks that they have absolutely no photos of you growing up, despite being your grandparents in the future, and I'm sure this has nothing to do with the fact that YOU TOTALLY HAVE NOT EVEN BEEN BORN YET.

Then the mom says that these are records of her 'dream'.

But we were just told there are no photos of her here.

Usagi's mom is all 'I just want everyone in my family to grow up healthy and strong and stuff' which is a heartwarming enough sentiment. But then she pulls out her 'favorite' right now, and we see that Chibi-usa is just a lying little shit. Not that this should really surprise anybody I guess.

I wonder how long before Usagi's mom starts to question
how Chibi-usa is supposed to fit into this family.

And she totes wants to see both girls in wedding dresses some day.

Boy, is she in for a surprise if she ever learns that Chibi-usa is living proof that is an actual thing that has to happen.

Then the brat apologizes for eating all the pie, and her mom goes 'who cares, my daughter's an idiot anyways, and she'll wander back once she gets hungry, but you should probably apologize anyways because she takes that food shit way too serious.'

Now night falls, and Usagi is hanging out alone in the streets of Tokyo thinking about that thing Ami said. Maybe she's being too hard on the kid? After all, she did send her future daughter back into the past to be with herself so clearly there must be something to all of this I guess.

Cut to sugarheart and Usagi's mother walking home with an entire bag full of lemons to make more lemon pies because pie. Hawks Eye is watching from afar, and decides he needs to get rid of the kid somehow, so he snaps his fingers and suddenly the bag tears open and lemons go flying everywhere.

Then he rushes over to be all helpful, touches her hand, and gets... weird.

Oh god. He has a diaper fetish.

I'm just going to post the reaction of the mother in question, and let you draw your own conclusions.

I'm not even going to pretend to know what's going on inside of
her mind right now. Because it scares me.

Then he proceeds to tell the shittiest cover story ever.

And this is your cue to run away as fast as you can, screaming
for the police at the top of your lungs.

He reaches into his pocket, and materializes a locket out of nothing, and essentially creates the greatest ass-pull ever devised when it is revealed that is TOTALLY HAS HER FACE.

Yeah sure it's just a palette swap, we see it all the time.

Dude continues to ham this shit up for all that it is worth. How he has traveled thousands of miles to find his mother, and how he totally thought he'd found her finally or something.

Yes, I am sure that's just not creepy at all.

Oh and then he reveals that she totes had the exact same name as her! Gee what are the chances of THAT happening.

... uh what.

Chibi-usa and I agree on something, and that worries me.

He totally must have the wrong person, which he uses to lay on the fake charm. Oh and then he passes out suddenly for MAXIMUM HAM. Turns out he must be SUPER HUNGRY. Which means you can't just leave him. Yes, let's ignore that this complete stranger just pounced on you, called you his mother, told you his sob story, and then passed out because he was 'hungry' or something.

I've seen political promises with fewer holes than your story.

Quick Chibi-usa, run off and go buy some pickles. Even though they make no sense in context. Just go off and do that, while we head into a commercial break.

After those messages from our sponsors, Usagi runs across her future daughter who gets all pissy because what the hell was Usagi doing, going out of the house and doing things when she totally should have known that her mom would go out to buy more lemons and meet some super f***ing creepy dude.

Seriously, Usagi clearly should have seen this one coming.

Back at the park, it continues to just get straight up weird.

Just straight weird.

When the girls get back, Usagi is distressed to find some dude not just macking on her mom, but totally making some progress here, which is admittedly disgusting enough.

Yeah just push yourself onto her dude, that'll show her
how much you suddenly care about her.

Someone has no idea what an affair actually is.

He keeps going in for the kiss, adn then goes "nah screw this gonna wardrobe change and put you on a thing so I can look into your chest mirror". Quick, better transform, we're awfully low on our stock footage quota!

Also, Chibi-usa gets the short end of the stick, what with getting her old transformation sequence. As opposed to the new one they made specifically for this series.

That's a special kind of sad if you ask me.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Chibi-Moon's transformation is f***ing hideous and should be considered a crime against humanity.

So Usagi's mom passes out but before Hawks Eye can look in the mirror, the heroines show up perfectly back-lit despite standing in front of trees, and then he's all 'oh hey glad you showed up, here take a look at my human cannon'.

He meant that literally, as you can see.

Cue the hilarious monster setting up scene.

Just... just... just kill it already. Please. End my suffering.

They stand by and actually let her launch herself, but then Venus shows up to save the girls because, uh, everyone else is suddenly here. Along with Tuxedo Mask.

... hi guys. Uh. I am confused why you are here. At all. I mean I know this is your show too but seriously. Where did you even come from. How did you even know to show up here. Couldn't you at least pretend to come up with some contrived reason why they just magically show up in costume  at the same time?

I don't think that's asking a whole lot.

Hawks Eye doesn't like this, and so the human cannon reloads herself, using the exact same footage from the first time, and fires herself at the girls. Jupiter tries to do a thing which fails, and so everyone runs because that's the normal reaction to take here.

The monster takes it kind of personally though.

I will admit, I do kind of love how goofy this monster is.

Anyways Hawks Eye decides its time to take a peek under the hood, and then Chibi Moon gets knocked back by a cannon ball. But stands up and hits dude with sugary hearts, and tells him straight up why he cannot abuse this lady.

Secret identity? Who needs that. Also, if he doesn't recognize
her at this point, there is no hope left in the world.

He tries to backhand a little kid, but Sailor Moon is having precisely none of that shit, and f***ing shoulder tackles him to the ground.

I'm sure they'll never figure out who you are now.

He gets back up on his feet, but then the stock footage begins as Sailor Moon prepares to do her thing. The lovely thing. Will the heart attack actually work though?

"Bitch, do you even see how I dress? I'm way too fab for this."

Oh no your attack doesn't work and then he spits fire at you while cannonballs get humanned. Then he looks into her dreams, doesn't find what he's looking for, and decides 'f**k it just kill everyone'.

The crew is down, the mother is targeted, and of course Chibi Moon asks for divine intervention. Again.

This is the THIRD TIME. I hope our villains are smart enough
to figure out that A PATTERN HAS CLEARLY BEEN ESTABLISHED.

Oh here girls, have some new broaches because I can't be bothered to keep saving your ass all the time. Also call for the Moon Crisis Make Up because y'know. It's time that became a regular thing. Cue the second... second transformation sequence involving both Moons?

Frankly it's nowhere as impressive as last season's.

Anyways, everyone is super surprised. Oh no. What is this madness. Oh and also here have some new weapons because seriously, if you guys are gonna keep doing this shit I may as well just make it official while I'm at it.

It's a bell and a riding crop. Just be honest with yourself.

Thanks super weird glowy orb thing named Pegasus. Now Chibi Moon rings a bell, calls out her Twinkle Yell, and then Super Sailor Moon is all 'eh, okay guess I'll do my thing' and we get HER new super mega awesome extreme power up move which has somehow gotten even MORE extravagant from the last two episodes.Even though it ends in pretty much the same way?

So now Hawks Eye is all 'oh hell, I'm out' and leaves, and now the mom is safe.

Then Pegasus is all 'yeah so, I know I said I couldn't be bothered to show up but I decided I was going to anyways, and if you ever wanna see me again I guess just completely fail at your jobs and I'll come up and give you power and be all repeating myself constantly. Peace out!'

One would think it was obvious from the horn and wings.
But I guess you should be thankful he's not into card games.

Then Chibi Moon looks at her bell, smiles, and everyone went to Usagi's place for lemon pie that just materialized out of nowhere. Also, Usagi and Chibi-usa bitching about who got the bigger piece of pie.

They call that 'getting fat'.

Girls fight, people watch and laugh, and Ami talks about how easy it is to cut a pie into ten equal slices.

WE GET IT AMI. YOU'RE THE SMART ONE.

Then everyone fights and Mamoru is the only one not yelling until the mom yells and demands to know how her goddamn pie tastes. Then everyone laughs, and Usagi asks her future daughter which 'mom' she likes best.

To which she refuses to answer the question, totally ignoring that Usagi is being incredibly vain. Pie is eaten, and seconds are demanded. More laughter, and we have credits.

I'm torn. This episode was a bit better than the last one, but I really hope to god that the villains actually wise up this time around.

It's a tall order, I know. But can you blame me? It would be great to see a competent villain for once.