Dog Days' Episode 03 - Three Heroes!

Well, as much as I hate this show, I must begrudgingly admit that at the very least, it has so far decided to embrace that it is a show filled with silly fluff so far, rather than hinting at some SUPER DUPER DARK SECRET.

So I guess that maybe puts it one step up from the last season?

Time for me to hate myself some more I guess. Let's dive into this and get it over with.

So squirrel princess gives us a recap of the last episode, we see part of Becky's transformation, and yay war roll intro.

Then they pick up right where they left off with the squirrel screaming at Becky to go and do a thing, and so her rocke broom sends her flying into the air with everyone going 'whoa damn look at that she flying'.

Oh my god this is hideous beyond words.

She spends some time figuring out how the hell she's supposed to fly on a broom, from changing gears to special moves. Then Squirrel princess summons her 'heavenly spear'. Which is actually a gun.

I really, really wish I was joking about this shit.

Really. I wish I was.

I guess you could say that some liberties have been taken.

Then she summons a magic square that goes flying around and sends her off on a magic carpet ride.

I am actually crying right now. Because that's how bad this is.

When I was typing that line, I had no idea, none whatsoever that it would in fact become a literal carpet ride.

I just. I don't even. How do words?

I literally cannot even right now.

I just. I can't. What?

WHEN THE FUCK DID SHE BECOME A SOUTHERN BELLE?!

NO. JUST. JUST NO. STOP IT DOG DAYS. WE'RE NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES INTO THIS. STOP IT. MY BRAIN CANNOT HANDLE THIS. YOU WILL STOP THIS RIGHT THE F**K NOW.

OH GOOOOOD FOR YOU.

OH TIME TO DO THE ATTACK THING. GO DO THE ATTACK THING.

SO SHE FLIES THROUGH THE AIR. HAS CARDS ON A LEG POUCH. LIKE GODDAMN CARD CAPTOR SAKURA. BUT SHITTIER.

GREAT. NOW WE'RE F***ING YUGIOH UP IN THIS BITCH.

SHE THROWS SPELL CARDS LIKE SOME MARISA OR REIMU, WHICH SUPER IMPRESSES PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE AWESOME I GUESS. THEY ARE SO AWESOME THE AIR UNITS CONTROL THE AIR NOW.

OH YEAH AND SHE'S STILL A THING TOO.

EXPLOSIONS. BALLS OF LIGHT. PARTICLE EFFECTS THAT TOOK YOU FIVE MINUTES TO MAKE.

ALSO FOR SOME REASON SHE DECIDED F**K THE
MAGIC CARPET RIDE, IMMA GRAB YO BROOMSTICK.

OH NO. HERE THEY COME BETTER SHOOT THEM DOWN. OH NO.

LITERAL TRANSLATION. THEY ACTUALLY CALL IT
DANMAKU. WHICH IS CORRECT BUT MAKES ME MAD
ANYWAYS BECAUSE OH GOOD GOD THIS GOT DUMB.

BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE.

*screams at the top of his lungs flailing wildly*

BUT THEN SQUIRREL LITERALLY UNLEASHES THE MASTER SPARK. AND NAKEDS THE SCIENCE LOLI. HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR NAKED FLAT CHESTED GIRLS, SHE'S OFF TO HER MAGIC CARPET RIDE AGAIN TO DO SOME OTHER STUFF I GUESS.

TIME FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO FIGHT OR SOMETHING WHATEVER.

OH GEE, IT'S ONE SOULLESS MONSTER AGAINST
ANOTHER. WHAT A MATCH UP.

PINK IS WAITING TO FIGHT FOLKS. SQUIRREL IS GOING AFTER MAIN ARMY. BECKY IS BOUT TO GET DOUBLE TEAMED BY THE AMAZING INCEST TWINS.

MORE MAGIC. MORE EXPLOSIONS. MORE TOUHOU RIPPING OFF.

MY BLOOD PRESSURE. IT IS THROUGH THE ROOF.

THEN SPELL CARDS AND EXPLOSIONS OH NO THE HEROES SUCK WHATEVER, BECKY WINS BECAUSE BULLSHIT.

ALSO NOW CINQUE IS ALL BUT NAKED. HE CAN
KEEP HIS SHOES THOUGH JUST BECAUSE.

OH BUT THE COUSIN HAS TO GET TOTALLY NAKED ON THE WATER. BECAUSE FANSERIVCE.

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T FORGET THERE ARE ARMIES OR SOMETHING? WELL IF YOU DID THEY GOT BLOWN UP SO IT HARDLY MATTERS. BECKY GOES FOR PINK. PINK IS ALL YEAH COOL WHATEVS.

SERIOUSLY. SOULLESS EYES. SHE IS DEAD.

OH LOOK. THEY BOTH EXPLODE EACH OTHER AND LOSE ALL OF THEIR CLOTHES BECAUSE NAKED GIRLS. OR SEMI NAKED BECAUSE THEY GET TO KEEP THEIR PJS.

I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK BECAUSE I KEEP SHOUTING AND THIS IS CLEARLY NOT VERY GOOD FOR MY HEALTH. SO I TAKE A BREAK BEFORE SQUIRREL AND LEO START DOING THEIR INSANE STUPID BULLSHIT THAT MEANS NOTHING.

*Begins breathing exercises*

Right. So. I need to remember. This show is supposed to be given credit. Where credit is due. Because it is fully embracing one aspect of itself. The aspect of the power fantasy. This is not supposed to be a bad thing. It is a stupid batshit insane world that would send any sane individual crying for their mothers.

Okay. I think I am centered again. One more deep breath, and let's continue.

So Leo brandishes her axe, and squirrel prepares her Grand Spark.

Yeah that's what I just said. Grand Spark.

They unleash their ultimate attacks on one another, and oh gee, what a surprise. They hit each other. Or would if Leo didn't cut her attack in half. Oh well, looks like we get a half-naked squirrel now.

And because even the show itself has gotten bored with this shit by now, they decide 'and then the battle ended since the heroes were done fighting'. Points get tallied and all that, fireworks set off, and Leo's team wins because Leo. And the squirrel gets last place.

Time for a night on the town with still images of people celebrating while we get told people celebrate. Then cut to the scene where squirrel doesn't want to let go of Becky because she's insane.

I'm in hell. This is hell, and this is where I am. In hell.

Becky wants to hang out in some other land, and so everyone decides, oh f**k it. Sure whatever. Also since you're here, why not stay for a few days so we can talk business. Heroes can do what they want but us princesses got shit to discuss.

This will never NOT make me vomit in my mouth.

Oh but EVERYONE CAN GO FOR THIS WALK. COMMERCIAL BREAK.

So they hop on stupid birds, and all the heroes go with the princess to a flower field for walkies. Also frisbee.

Yes girls. He is literally treating the princess like a dog.
I'll just let you process this.

Then he gets into the heavy petting, and Becky states the obvious.

THIS IS WHAT I KEEP SAYING.

I. What. No. No more. Please no more. It hurts too much.

Nanami says she wants to pet Leo. And her folks.

God damn it I'm gonna hurl again.

Ha ha ha girl with three cats.

... they're honestly not trying any more. They really aren't.

I. I don't. I can't. You can't. No one possibly could.

This show is a crime against humanity.

She says immediately after heavy petting stops.

Now it's time for the castle tour led by Eclaire and science girl who has new clothes. First is the kitchen. Nothing has changed.

Then is the library. Also, nothing has still changed.

Not a single thing.

HEY RICO DO YOU LIKE CINQUE? OH NO YOU DON'T JUST LIKE HIM YOU LOVE HIM. OH BOY. HERE COMES THE HAREM GAME. EVERYBODY LOVES CINQUE. HE IS SOOOOOO GREAT. HE PLAYS WITH HER AND PETS HER AND CUDDLES WITH HER AND EATS WITH HER AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF GEE.

HERE HAVE HALF A SECOND OF SOME DUDE TWIRLING A SPEAR AT SOME OTHER DUDE BEFORE WE CUT AWAY TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU JUST SAW.

GEE SURE IS GREAT THAT I AM WATCHING THIS ANIME.

HEY HEROES DO YOU WANNA FIGHT WITH US? SURE WHATEVER. CINQUE VERSUS ECLAIR. TIME TO GYMNAST FIGHT FOR NO REASON. ALSO HERE BRO TAKE A SWORD AND GYMNAST FIGHT.

Becky notices OH HEY ECLAIR IS WEARING THAT OLD WRISTBAND OF CINQUE'S. GEE MAYBE SHE LIKES HIM TOO OR SOMETHING. ALSO WE GOT BORED OF NOT WATCHING THEM FIGHT WHILE OTHER PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HOW AMAZING THEY ARE SO LET US CUT TO SOME TOTALLY UNRELATED FOREST.

Time for the hot spring where they meet big titted ninja and that other hero. They hang out with dogs and foxes and Cinque says hi how are you lady hero, how you been and stuff.

Meanwhile, princesses drink iced tea or whatever. War talk. Everyone has heroes so war will be more awesome. Also, the squirrel wishes she had a penis.

Facepalming so hard right now.

Pink shows up to the party late and squirrel cries about how she should marry Becky anyways.

Now it is night, and Becky breaks into Cinque's room to talk to him alone while Nanami talks to her family back home. Because technology. Gee sure is convenient that they've managed to find ways around all that bullshit that stopped them from doing stuff in the first season.

Then Becky asks him the big question.

I will never see this show the same way again. Ever.

He goes to 'do her hair', and she asks him to braid it so he does. She blushes, and talks about how much longer those two can hang out like that and all that. He'd like to go on adventures and stuff with her all the time but once he has a girlfriend that can't happen because Becky says so. Of course if she gets a boyfriend it's the same thing. While totally never mentioning that they totally wanna bone zone each other.

Seriously, subtext folks. Then she talks about how Cinque has all these chicks literally hanging all over him. Which. Uh. Um.

Again, which demographic are we catering to again? Because
this is getting very, very uncomfortable now.

She gets all up in his face, demands answers, and he's all 'I'm being friendly because am hero' then he falls off the bed and she tries to rip his clothes off.

SERIOUSLY DID YOU THINK I WAS LYING?!

Now pink is out talking to Nanami, and they talk about all the stuff Cinque is doing tomorrow. He's going on a trip with girls that aren't either of them! Here have some credits.

Truly, this show will become a test of my patience.

As in a test of how quickly I can f***ing lose my god damned mind watching this.

I'm out. Show's over. I'm going to beat myself senseless until I forget this ever happened.