Gunparade March Episode 06 - After You Left - I Guess Everything Reminds You Of Something

Oh good lord has it been a very busy last few days for me. I can't even honestly tell you what happened because I don't even know.

Also I seem to be developing a knack for causing physical harm to myself, as not merely subjecting myself to the mental stress of shitty anime is enough for me these days. In the last two weeks, I've nearly broken one of my small toes, and today I appear to have twisted my knee or something.

Seriously. I must be out to get me lately or something.

So with that in mind, let's add a little more discomfort! Because physical pain just isn't quite enough.

We begin with the same, snooze-worthy intro, which leads us into the episode. Today, it appears to be snowing. That new red machine is all jumping through the air and shooting missiles into the air and eyes look at things and we find out IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM.

Wait I meant training session. It was all a training session. Whoops.

Also it seems like those two kids are getting better but who cares? We have to introduce some drama since we're almost halfway through the show.

DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

Machine number one? Oh no. He seems to think it might be best to have that uptight twat of a girl go back to running solo, but the blind guy is like "nah I'm sure this will work itself out."

These episode titles are beginning to get Sailor Moon levels
of just being ridiculously long.

So after the title slide we see an empty classroom talking about how final exams are taking place before, during, and after Christmas. Also the teachers talk about rescheduling tests or whatever but who cares. What are the kids' grades like? Who cares! Cut to some girls you don't really care about talking about other stuff instead and totally not mourning that girl who died last episode.

My girl here has the right idea. Just sleep through it all.
Collect that paycheck. Avoid doing any and all work.

She continues to sleep while the others make all kinds of noise. They talk about... uh, something? And then the boys are watching some crappy romance thing on TV but then switch to the news because news. Also people died and the channel is changed to Waifu TV.

Waifu TV: Because you'll never have one of your own.

We continue with exciting TV-watching, homework doing and magazine reading. Until they get hungry and decide to have some curry while studying more English.

Then the redhead girl comes in and talks about how if you study at this point you are doomed to fail because you clearly aren't prepared. But do not despair for there is still hope for you poor unfortunate souls yet!

I bet she totally faked all of the answers.

Obviously the boys want to know what's inside, but if they want to find out then they're gonna have to pay. Of course the local lech is somewhat dismissive of the claims, but then she decides to sweeten the deal.

That's right, you channel that Billy Mayes.

It's a good luck charm. Order now and even your love problems will go away in a heartbeat! It's Oxycleaningoutyourwallet.

Welp, eveyrone is on board for it now. Well except the studious sort, he's all like 'eh whatevs'.

Then they sleep and dream of things while that other dude studies. Such exciting robot anime, this.

Which means we get to the final exam which starts. It's super exciting test exam time folks! And of course the test is totally different or whatever. Which causes things to get awkward in a hurry as the teacher starts making the rounds to check on her students. Make sure they aren't, y'know. Cheating or whatever.

I'd make a Hot For Teacher joke but frankly it would be
wasted on this show.

She tells him no (for whatever reason), a cat yawns, and people leave one by one as they complete their exams. She makes the rounds again, Nono draws cats on her test, and more absolutely nothing happens.

Then afterwards at some point the boys chase after the redhead while my favorite character continues to do the smartest thing anyone in this show can do: Keep blending into the background and getting all that sweet background character cash while putting in zero effort whatsoever.

Yes. She is sitting there counting the number of times her clothes
go around in the dryer.

Yelling happens in the background but I am totally lost in my favorite girl's eyes as she continues to watch the clothes tumble. Red there tries to sell a makeup exam cheat sheet but then the door opens behind her and oh no, who comes up but one of the other girls doing her laundry. Whom she tries to foist the tests on. Then she opens a washer after turning down the offer and... uh...

... did he put his clothes in with her clothes? That's... um...?

Yes. Yes he did.

He doesn't see what the big deal is because they're clean now, she doesn't want to THINK about his underwear at all and he keeps wagging it in her face saying "it's clean it's clean" and I just want everyone's heads to explode because the quiet one has finally snapped. I'm not asking for much. Really.

Then the girl yells "it's filthy!" and everyone gets quiet for... no reason? I have no f***ing idea.

Now we're back to the teachers grading tests and then we head out to see Christmas happening while depressing music plays. Also someone is on a date.

He looks totally into it of course.

The girl is so generic we never even get to see her face and dude is all like sad or some shit.

Now someone back at class is playing the harmonica.

Nevermind, it's one of those melodicas.

Sullen girl is all "my god she just won't stop playing Christmas songs on that shit and interrupting the SUPER DEPRESSING BACKGROUND MUSIC" and she looks at the duty lists, sees a name near teh end and slides it down at the end. PROBABLY BECAUSE SOMEONE DEAD.

Then mecha hero plays ball by himself, lech dude sees an ambulance go by, and people just do... things. While listening to the ambulance or whatever.

THIS IS ALL JUST SUPER INCREDIBLY EXCITING BOY HOWDY AND TOTALLY WORTH YOUR TIME LET ME TELL YOU. SNOW FALLS AND I HAVE JUST STOPPED CARING BECAUSE EVEN THIS SHOW HAS STOPPED TRYING TO DO ANYTHING BUT PAD OUT ITS TIME AT THIS POINT. COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Now someone is on a motorcycle. Riding into the snow. They stop on the road because there's something up ahead. What is it?

NEVERMORE MOTHER F***ER!

Dude hightails it and it looks like something giant hatched and is about to descend upon poor Whoville.

I like to imagine a giant Grinch hatched from this egg.

Cut to air raid sirens going through the town and nothing happening. Wait nevermind, people are putting on masks or whatever and alerts go up all over town. Then some dude runs through town, and mechas prepare to go and do a thing. Our main protagonist finds a pink-wrapped cassette tape from Nono in his seat, which causes him to just be like "the hell is this and why would someone leave it here" and then they deploy.

Again, it's all terribly exciting. Take my word for how exciting it is. There's no need to watch it that's how exciting it is.

So the mechs take a train and then some other mechs get on a plane or something I guess and Nono watches as planes fly off and she's like "yep, stuck here with my cassette tapes" and stuff keeps flying through the air.

Evacuation is complete or whatever, and the monsters have been sighted somewhere. It's unlike any monster they've ever seen though so they ought to be careful. Some battle plans are mentioned, then some machines are dropped, and we're supposed to be getting pumped up for this but frankly, I just can't even bother.

LOOK AT HOW AMAZINGLY EXCITING THIS SHIT IS!

Bomb is on the way, so just keep shooting things until the bomb gets there. Yes, we just started this mission and already we're wrapping it up with the countdown to reach the endzone. Red machine fires missiles and shit and stuff explodes, naturally. Also our dudes have touch down so it's time to get the f**k out. Which means everyone gets the order to withdraw like thirty seconds after showing up on site, and then they run away.

Then a bomb goes off and it is terribly exciting. But we find out that under the hatched egg there was ANOTHER EGG OH NO. But the monsters are all gone. Or are they?

But everyone gets back and it looks like a couple of their dudes may not have made it out. Oh and also there's another monster. Whoops. And some dudes are already fighting it but it's kind of a hopeless fight? Oh well. Show's over I guess. Earth is doomed and all that.

But seriously they get the order to get out and they can't reach the red machine because they were too close to the implosion and got pulled back. Also their comms are screwy and they have no idea what's going on. Except that there's some dudes who can't fight against the new thing, so they decide why the hell not, let's go be heroes and shit. They can't get the order to withdraw, they can't communicate with their dudes, but their dudes are like 'well we are tracking their movements and they are looking an awful lot like they want to be an hero'.

The rest of the team wonders what's up with the red unit, and they get told that uh, they're going home without the other two. Sorry guys. They're going back to fight the things that didn't die because we done screwed up.

The other team isn't happy about having to go back without their pals, but they get told that frankly, they are in no position to do anything, so they're just gonna go back and hope things work out for the best which they totally won't but they really don't have much choice the end.

Not everyone is pleased by this, and the command team is told that they are sticking to the plan and leaving. So uh, they leave.

SUCH EXCITEMENT THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER BEEN SEEN IN ANIME FOLKS.

End episode as the plane flies off into the snow.

Y'know, if I were watching this show for fun, I'd have stopped halfway through the second episode. Because this is just f***ing garbage. It's just... so poorly constructed. Any emotional weight drops dead because I just don't give a shit about any of the characters.

I suppose that if this were a retelling of the game, and I'd played and enjoyed the game maybe I could get into this, but this is just really shitty. The pacing sucks. The characters are flat. They keep going between "ha ha this is a show about school life but oh not really there's aliens attacking" in a way that just does not work.

I hate this show with a passion. I'd rather be watching Strike Witches.

YEAH. I SAID THAT.

AND NO. I AM NOT WATCHING THAT SHIT AGAIN. NOT HAPPENING. EVER.

NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME I AM GOING TO LEAVE THE INTERNET ALONE AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP.