Dog Days' Episode 06 - Legendary Hero-King of Pastillage

It's hard enough to keep from losing faith in humanity as it is. I mean, let's face it, humanity has done some pretty f***ed up stuff over the years, and lately it looks a lot like we're backpedaling again.

Now I know you might be worried that I'm about to make some kind of loaded political statement or whatever. Rest assured I give zero shits about that. No, instead I'm just going to point out that we, as a species, do some pretty questionable shit. Such as making shows like Dog Days for 'entertainment'.

Frankly, some days it's really difficult to keep yourself from wondering why some asteroid hasn't wiped us off the face of the universe yet. Constantly subjecting myself to shows of this caliber really isn't helping with that.

Okay Dog Days'. I think I'm ready for you. Or at least as ready as I can get. Show me how f***ed up we are as a species that we might consider this show to be entertainment, and not a crime against humanity.

Of all my gripes about this show, at least one of them isn't that they have no idea how to utilize a good show structure. After dealing with Sailor Moon's constantly tripe every week, this is a refreshing change of pace.

This is what is called an establishing shot. It establishes things.

Anyways we find out that all the great leaders who matter in this show are all going to a place to meet a crazy squirrel to talk about their upcoming WAR FOR FUN AND PROFIT. Roll credits. I mean intro. God damn it.

Watching the intro pains me. Because part of me secretly really wanted to like this show. It should have been incredibly likable. It evokes a lot of things I loved about Nanoha.

But somewhere, I got lost in the utter horror that this show evokes just beneath the surface. The sheer insanity of how nobody questions the inherent wrongness of it all.

So we kick off the episode today with the promise of a history lesson, and some princesses decide to talk about some super important stuff. Like the fineness of one another.

Oh boy.

The whole conversation was just so we could get this.

I HOPE THIS IS EVERYTHING YOU EVER ASKED FOR
TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC. YOU SICK F***S.

So the heroes have been taking 'special care' of their respective princesses. Like 'massaging with special oils' in Leo's case. Or 'playing by the lake and braiding my hair' in Milhiore's case.

... yep, getting really hard to keep my faith in humanity at this point. And we're only three minutes in. Great. Just. Great. Fan-f***ing-tastic. FINE. LET'S KEEP GOING THEN.

So glad this meeting got derailed like that.

Also, those heroes are all sitting around talking about how they look after all their respective princesses, except Cinque because he's all "this is how this shit works young padawans."

The only way to make him any more pretentious would be
if you gave him a monocle and top hat.

Becky calls him on totes being sweet with the crazy pink-haired bitch (LOLOLOL ITS FUNNY BECAUSE SHES A DOG LOLOLOL) and then asks how that dude we met last episode is doing.

Sittin' around, watchin' the game, drinkin' a Bud.

Turns out he's gonna make a new workshop and continue being awesome.

Also, somehow a kiddie pool found its way into this world.

HOW THE F**K. NO SERIOUSLY. HOW.

This might seem like a little thing, but... seriously. Just... HOW?!

I guess when I think about it hard enough, it could be that they've been bringing back stuff from Earth. I suppose that might make some sort of sense. But even so...

Just why??

Also Cinque is confused about this whole having nothing to do. I guess the world seems pretty damn boring when it isn't in IMMINENT DANGER OF BEING DESTROYED or whatever. Christ dude it's your vacation isn't it? You're supposed to enjoy that shit and relax.

Becky asks if he (and only he) could come talk to crazy squirrel princess later, and then he goes to talk to said crazy girl all alone while his friend and sister-cousin take a bath. Which prompts the squirrel to take him on a magic carpet ride out to the Washington Memorial.

Or something similar enough really. Why is there a landing pad here?

This is the memorial of the Hero-King of Pastillage. Gee I never would have guessed that based on the title of the show at all. Anyways he was some dude that founded the kingdom. There's a story about how a long time ago, there were demons all over the place wrecking shit up, and he's all like "WELP GOTTA GET A HERO" and so he beat the hell out of everything including the Demon King. Because everything had kings back in the day don'tchaknow.

Totally not King Arthur. Nope. Not at all!

Also the old king died so the hero became king by proxy.

I dunno. Sounds suspiciously a lot like someone offed the king
and took his crown and made a bunch of shit up afterwards.

Anyways he was called the White Hero King. And this is his grave. Also the place where the demon king got sealed because, y'know. Why not?

Oh and there's some legend about how his descendant will some day come back and cause a miracle to happen when said descendant touches the monolith.

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU DO THIS.

Anyways, when she touches the thing all that happens is it lights up boy isn't that just kind of cool we should TOTALLY CONTINUE TO MESS WITH THIS THING THAT IS SEALING AN ANCIENT EVIL AWAY.

OH MYYYYYY.

So of COURSE she wants him to touch it because he's Cinque and so he does and nothing happens boy oh boy.

STOP IT SHOW. JUST STOP IT. WE GET IT IT IS A
EUPHEMISM YOU CAN SERIOUSLY JUST STOP NOW.

She puts her hand on his and then OH SHIT EVERYTHING LIGHTS UP GEE WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT.

Oh yeah and also the monolith talks about how it recognizes the descendants. Which is always a POSITIVE SIGN.

GREAT GOING CRAZY SQUIRREL. WAY TO BREAK
THE ANCIENT SEAL KEEPING THE DEMON KING
LOCKED AWAY FOR MILLENNIA.

Then the seal explodes and shit and suddenly NO MORE MONOLITH. OH BOY.

Oh hi there generic anime tough guy. You know he's tough
because he's naked and has long white hair.

Oh good, it's Jiraya. Or something. Who are you?

Not gonna lie. This? This made me laugh.

Anyways dude wants to know who woke him up. Also, he wants to know where Adel is. Because uh, y'know, he kinda wants to beat that dude up again? For reasons.

Then he does some summon clothes stuff and looks super badass evil.

SOME MIRACLE YOU DONE DID THERE. They finally ask who he is, and he's like "BOUT TIME YOU ASKED."

He was waiting so very long to say his name dramatically.

Oh yeah also he's the demon king. BOW BEFORE HIM. Also he seems to have some super crazy magic powers kind of like the relic weapons and decides to kill some kids just because.

So he tries to asplode them and we get to a commercial break.

Mmmmm doooonuuuts.

Then we come back and uh... he... wait what?

The f**k are you on about?

I. I don't. What. Why. What.

Immediately cut to peeping tom scene.

I am so confused right now.

Lots of girls preparing for bathing. Gee I wonder who this could be.

You know, he reminds me an awful lot like someone else.

For a self-proclaimed Demon King, he's uh, not really doing a lot of demoning.

But then the women spot him and get all angry and prepare to shoot him with guns.

Not that this has any effect on him since he grabs them and throws them back and turns most of the girls into animals. Except one that he wanted to see naked and then he runs off to rip more clothes apart and see up skirts and stuff because that's what villains do.

Oh yeah and also a magic carpet ride back whatever back into the shower where Becky and Nanami are sitting around laughing when some douche literally comes crashing through the skylight. Because he's a douche.

Women cry out and he laughs and uh, y'know. Basically plays the role of the demographic expected to watch this show maybe?

This show is for kids right? I keep forgetting.

So Nanami throws a boomerang of magic and smites him in the face while Becky throws magic cards at him, which surprises the hell out of him.

Okay fine I laughed a second time. THERE.

By the way, the animation suddenly takes a huge leap as Nanami leaps out of the pool and rushes forward to beat the living shit out of him. And knock him out of the pool.

Meanwhile, some other princesses are just chilling when he lands nearby, interrupting their drinking session. So they check to see what's up when Hero and Squirrel Princess show up to blow the hell out of him. This seems to be a recurring thing. Kind of like that dude from last season who, once again, looks an awful lot like this guy for some reason.

Hm.

FINE I LAUGHED AGAIN GOD DAMN IT.

Or maybe I am remembering some other show. It's all just kind of blending together like so much noise at this point. Whatever.

Now he is surrounded and is to be arrested for being lewd, which makes him mad so he summons rain clouds. Also he announces just show he is and does the evil thing once more and knocks everyone back.

But then Millhiore sees that her favorite ribbon which was a gift or whatever got soaked in juice and left on the ground to be dirty and OH NO WE CANNOT BE HAVING THIS IT IS TIME TO GET INDIGNANT AND SHIT.

Or weepy. Weeping works too I guess, and people tremble and Cinque is all like "PUNCH YOU INNA FACE".

And proceeds to punch him so hard dude winds up knocking a tree over. Then he gives a dramatic speech about how he needs to stop dude because he's been a real dick and he won't forgive this shit. Which the royal harem really, really digs.

The literal hero worship in this show is f***ing killing me.

Cinque demands dude apologize for all the shit he did, and the other two heroes show up as bro picks up the tree on his head, and then they do a fight thing. Even the princesses decide they're gonna get in on this shit, and so he powers up for his absorbing thing, and drains everyone's power away, making it his own. Then he laughs some more about how he's the best.

The f**k is this Bright Power thing anyways? WHY WAS THIS
NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE? IS THIS JUST FILLER?

The princesses get back up though and they're all like "yeah no seriously dude you're a dick" and they vow to defeat him.

Then the monolith in the distance glows, and then heroes descend from above to SAVE THE DAY because they can fly or whatever, and get all into some legimiately awesome fighting where they beat him about a bit, and slam him down into the ground again. He's pretty tough but they can't really get rid of him. But maybe if he was sealed once he could be again?

*sigh*

Thank you convenient plot devices.

It glows again, and prepares to summon King Adelaide. Then a naked woman descends from the skies with a glowing crystal in her chest.

It was funnier the first time. Also he's seen like EVERYONE
here naked at least once by now.

Oh look, the king is... a girl.

I literally cannot even anymore.

That's it. I'm done. We're done here. Show's over folks. There's nothing left to see. You have literally seen everything that this show has to offer. It's finished. Go home, you're done here. You can not possibly hope to ever see anything more. This show has jumped the shark, nuked the fridge, and blown the dolphin. It's done the thing that it just cannot ever hope to ever come back from.

I cannot process anything that happens beyond this point. It is actually impossible for me. Death truly has no meaning here. Heroes don't die. They just sit around waiting to get summoned back to life or something I guess. Also guns from thousands of years ago or something I just. I don't. I can't.

But you're going to make me aren't you.

*sobs gently into a pillow*

Oh god our show is never going to recover from this is it?

Oh god our show is never going to recover from this.

Oh damn that person I asked for so I could beat up is suddenly
here and now I am pissing myself for no good reason.

Also, she refers to him as Valerie. So the guy has the girl's name and the girl has the guy's name. Gee what a tweest. She gives him an angry look and threatens to shoot him, which causes him to skitter around talking about how they started this shit, and how could he be accused of any wrongdoing anyways I mean come on seriously?

She shoots him in the forehead and he cries and she's all "seriously you are so full of shit so now I'm gonna cut you in half with my sword morning star thing."

Okay seriously, what the f**k.

He begs for his life and she sends it crashing down on him and he explodes in a pillar of light and somehow doesn't die.

Also now they go to the memorial where Adel is all "yeah so I made this thing in case I ever needed to be SUMMONED FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE."

WHICH SEEMS LIKE AN INCREDIBLY F***ING STUPID THING IF YOU ASK ME.

LIKEWISE THIS IS ALSO INCREDIBLY F***ING STUPID.

Adel asks if dude apologized, and then she blows him up some more and he apologizes some more and she asks everyone to forgive him and they don't care as long as he doesn't do it again. Then she says they're going back to sleep OR ELSE.

WHY IN THE WORLD IS THIS A THING. JUST WHY.

Leo turns to crazy squirrel girl and is like "yo couldn't we uh, keep them around for a bit?" And she agrees it would be kind of cool if they could stick around and see how much the world has changed.

*screams obscenities into the sky*

Valerie leans in, sniffs Adel's hair, and tells her how she's still the cutest in the world.

*PFFFFFFT*

Also the girls are alike 'ERMAGHERD THEY MUST BE A COUPLE WE WANT TO SEE MORE."

No seriously they actually say that shit. So crazy squirrel is all 'uh so um, you could I dunno stick around a bit?' and Adel is all "bro we are like crazy old, no way we could keep up with you guys". But she does say it was nice to see her descendants and then they fail to fade into sleepytown because bullshit reasons.

Damn you Windows XP!

Then the monolith dies. So uh. I guess they'll be sticking around?

Enter the palace where Leo and Nanami talk about how it will take awhile to repair the monolith because that's a thing. Also Adel and Valerie are sharing a room because reasons.

Oh my god what has this show become.

Then Becky and Nutters go for a flight and talk about how awesome all of this is and how cool Cinque looked BECAUSE HE'S CINQUE.

Oh and then Millhi climbs onto Cinque's bed giggling in a very, very uncomfortable manner.

Her choice of dialogue and attire do not help this one bit.

Told ya.

She then proclaims her love for him and he just pats her on the head as she nuzzles up all confused and is like 'boy what's up with her' and she giggles and the credits roll.

...
...

...

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I'm going to go run into the street screaming now. That is the only appropriate course of action to take at this point. I can't take this any more.