Gunparade March Episode 03 - Summer Blues - Fireworks

Gunparade March seems to be very popular around here for some reason I just cannot fathom.

No, seriously. Looking at the stats, it seems like more people are reading about Gunparade March than Sailor Moon. I find this somewhat distressing. Almost as distressing as the fact that people are still getting led to my idol wrasslin' anime posts.

Yeah, that's still a thing for some reason.

In news of other things that are still things for some reason: This show. I may never understand how it came to be. Or whether it is better or worse than Strike Witches.

It's honestly hard to tell.

Right so this is one of those anime that just gives you the intro you can sleep through, in the hopes that you'll be awake after the intro. Also, the quality for this disc suddenly went to hell for some reason. Further making me question the authenticity of the source material.

Or it's just how few f**ks were truly given. It's hard to tell, given how bad this show has been so far.

Anyways the episode starts up and we're in Tokyo or whatever, and it's a blazing hot summer day at the school where a train pulls up and nobody gets off. Also that old lady at the store throws water on the sidewalk. Then a bell rings, she goes inside, and we get our title screen for the day.

Also, I think I'm going to stop pretending these are even remotely good subtitles. Because holy shit.

That is not even close to Summer Blues.

In case you were wondering how in the name of f**k they managed to screw this up so bad, the pronunciation is "Samātaimu Burūsu -Fire Works-" . So, yeah. Sure am glad I paid literally all of five dollars for this show.

Anyways someone is watching tv talking heads talk about how warm it is. Also, what happened on this day in history, this 13th of August? Well we're glad you asked! You didn't ask? Too bad we're telling you anyways because exposition! Why today is the anniversary of the day they passed into law the mandatory military service law. Gee isn't that just a great thing to remember? It has totally improved our lives.

... this is seriously some of the worst exposition revelation I've seen in forever. My god. Even the characters can't believe they're being forced to listen to this shit which shouldn't even matter. Who the f**k cares about when a particular law was passed? NOBODY CARES ABOUT THAT STUFF. IT IS CERTAINLY NOT SOMETHING WHICH IS EVEN REMOTELY NEWSWORTHY.

Just look how excited everyone is to be listening to this show.

Also they show some footage of 1988, which is a bit different from the one you and I know.

For one thing they actually had functional giant robots.

So wait. You're telling me the reason they developed this revolutionary machine was specifically TO ASSIST THE CHILDREN WHO WOULD NOW BE FIGHTING.

Do you hear that? The cackling laughter fading into the night? That's me going on about how f***ing ridiculous this entire premise is.

Blah blah we must recruit 16-year-olds blah blah. Also it is always 7:07 according to the timestamp, despite us having watched this damn TV for more than a full minute now.

Because we're pretty sure everyone has stopped watching
by this point, that's why.

Anyways not-Heero gets aggravated because the TV was turned off and the other dude is like "okay seriously this whole thing is dumb and I think it's dumb and I think you're all dumb." Then they brush their teeth together, dude keeps complaining about shit that happened before he was born, and in general seeming to not understand the sheer weight of the world in which he actually lives in.

Yeah it's totally the fault of old dudes that aliens are attacking
the world preventing you from having a summer vacation.

I can truly say without any reservation that I f***ing hate this show. I hate it more than Strike Witches. That's saying something.

Then they play rock paper scissors off screen, and main bro goes running out while the girls watch him run off to the store again while they brush their teeth, and talk about how he is, quite literally, a loser. Because he loses every game.

Also my favorite character no longer has a tooth brush I guess, which bothers the other girls for whatever reason.

It happens. Get over it girls?

Looks like her toothbrush is broken and decided to say nothing about it.

Seriously, this girl is the only reason this show is remotely worth watching. Because she is actually well-adjusted and doesn't act like a damn character.

Anyways dude is running back from the store and witnesses some guy talking to a girl at the train station, and he remembers some thing that other dude said and he's like 'man, sure kinda sucks we can't go off to the mountains or whatever since we have to save the world from aliens or whatever'.

Seriously why is this show not about something else? You promised me dudes fighting aliens in giant robot suits. This is not what you promised me. This isn't even interesting!

I mean, I can kinda understand that they wanted a slice-of-life show that would explore how a world like this might function, but the fact of the matter is that it really doesn't make that much sense to begin with.

Anyways that new girl is asking Nono about something she mentioned about how God isn't always fair earlier. To which she replies, oh, well, there's Maki.

Who immediately trips and spills her lunch all over the place.

So, she's clumsy. That's cool. She gets kind of depressed because she was really looking forward to that meal, and then I remember what show she's in, and how much I wish she was in any other show but this. Something more watchable. I'm pretty sure that's what she's actually depressed over anyways.

Also, everyone is just standing around doing nothing.

I'd like to take a moment to pause and talk about the animation. Or rather the amazing lack of it. There is very little animation here. As in, none at all. This shot is just a static image getting panned across. This is the third episode and a lot of this show so far is static images with very little animation to it. This is not an animated show. This is a wannabe visual-novel.

Not only that, but why are they devoting all of these precious seconds to something which is ultimately a pointless scene? Did they really have nothing else to fill this show with? A show that is supposed to be about ALIENS FIGHTING WITH GIANT ROBOTS?

Anyways the girl smiles says this always happens, and people just kind of laugh about how unlucky poor Maki is.

Now there's a mall with people who don't walk around, at all! They just pretend to be walking.

It's all the rage the pretending to be in motion.

So many static images of people doing things. So very many.

Eventually we get to a park where people are STILL not doing anything, adn then the boys are running around a track field because stuff. Also re-using all of the run cycles. Then some other dude is running and that makes the other guys want to run, and then that new girl is talking to the teachers?

My god this show is so mind-numbingly boring.

Also the lady teacher gets a request for leave from the new girl, who leaves contact information that isn't her home. I guess this means that she will be going somewhere that isn't her home? Why do we even care? We know nothing about her. Or anyone for that matter.

Now it is night time. Because things happen I guess. Or fail to happen, this is just incredibly f***ing boring TV. I can't imagine why this show wasn't more popular.

Anyways it is still super hot and the boys can't stand how much they are sweating and they sit around talking about how dumb all of this is. Then there's an emergency alert so they should get up to the roof because emergency.

I am really not sure why this would constitute an 'emergency'.

So the lech gets all excited and charges up there, and everyone gets up to the roof, and turns out they are all having a party.

Boy. I AM SURE SUPER GLAD THAT THEY DEVOTED AN ENTIRE EPISODE TO THIS.

Anyways there are some fireworks going off because I guess they can still celebrate things like that even though there are supposed to be aliens everywhere. Whatever. The girls are all in kimonos, the boys are eating watermelon, and everyone is happy because this is what summer is all about.

Also some girl named Mio comes back wearing some special kimono I guess because one dude has to comment on how she wore the same one last year when she transferred in. Or how she's filling in for someone that died? I dunno. Why do I care? Why should I care? Why does any of this stuff matter?

I guess it's been a year since that dude died. Cool. Why do I care?

Anyways commercial break, then we come back and they pick up ten seconds ago because... uh. It was that important? Now we get a flashback of the inside of a giant robot machine.

Boy are we finally going to see some giant robot stuff? Nah probably not. Mainbro is remembering a drop I guess, and they prepare to do a mission thing. With some dude who is probably that guy who died.

Sure am glad we are going through all of this because this is absolutely riveting stuff.

That was sarcasm. This is still some of the most boring bullshit you can possibly imagine.

So a plane goes down and robots are dropped into the city. They look around and it's bright and stuff because the sun is setting, and there is a bridge. They cross the bridge, and someone goes up ahead of the others. But then alarms! There is something up ahead. Lots of things! They can't see what they are, but they're things. Where are these things anyways? Oh, right. Under the bridge. Of course.

So now they get to shoot things, which is just... laughably terribly animated to begin with. And then we get super exciting amounts of people yelling at screens. Or watching screens. Then some aliens do thigns and an explosion happens and one guy was behind. Oops. I guess the bomb is about to go off and the dude isn't getting out and oh no, you'd better run dude.

Then an explosion happens, everything goes white, and we're back to fireworks.

I'm kind of confused really, about how all of that was supposed to have actually played out. Why did he die, exactly? He wasn't blown to pieces or anything by the bomb, and neither were the aliens. I mean, twenty feet doesn't make a lot of difference here. I'm just completely f***ing confused.

But look fireworks!

Oh wait nevermind it is the next day and will probably rain. Super exciting television! Here is the company that makes giant robots.

Now the class bell rings and people get breakfast. Where is that dude from earlier? Who knows. Out doing things. I guess new girl is out with mainbro or whatever? I dunno.

Anyways it starts raining and new girl gets on a train, with mainbro who is carrying a small wooden boat. He's going to let off a tiny boat with a lamp to remember the guy who died last year.

Since they're bored, he asks her where she's from, and she gets all pissy.

Oh look, she's the cold-hearted bitch with a mysterious past
but is actually just soft and insecure on the inside.

He apologizes for asking a normal question anyways, then it rains some more and she looks at a picture of a dude with a cat. Then looks outside and sees mainbro looking out of his window at the same time as her and gets all offended or whatever.

Now it is the next day, and the boys are bringing some melon back when they see a car parked out front of the school. A real car that uses gas! I guess these are big things now? What do they use instead, I wonder?

Oh. Okay.

Gee I wonder why this thing is here? Then the chauffeur comes out wondering where the new girl is, and gets told she took the late train out last night. Then he hops in the car and drives off. Then they start to wonder if this girl is somehow related to that company that shares a last name with her. Gee I wonder.

Now there's a cemetery and girl is all "haven't seen this girl for a year" and watches flower petals fly into the sky. Then mainbro and other team dudes get the boat ready, Nono asks to put an amulet in, and there's some stupid talk about someone we barely knew and will probably never get referenced again. Then the boat goes along, and everyone is quiet.

Lecher dude is all "if I die put my girl book on my boat" and the other dude is all "if I die, get me a car".

Yes. That is what would happen.

More boats put onto the water floating downstream, the teachers get all depressed about lots of people that died, and... I guess that's the end of the episode.

Boy, that was super worth my time! Aren't you glad you watched this episode? Wasn't it just the most amazing thing you've ever seen?

I'm going to stab whoever said this was the greatest anime ever made. I'm going to stab him and tell him that experience is way better than this pile of garbage.

You clearly have never seen anything good. Because this show is f***ing terrible.