Gunparade March Episode 04 - Let's Have Tea Together - Duelist

Boy oh boy oh boy. Just when you think the health issues are more or less over you spend two days feeling an awful lot like you are dying.

I'd blame Dog Days' for that, but the more likely culprit was the dread which filled me when I realized I would have to be watching this show again.

Furthermore, I categorically deny that I was playing Heroes of the Storm instead of watching this tripe. Which is a game I think I hate with a burning passion. Not entirely sure if that's the case yet though.

... why do I hate myself so much?

Oh boy, it's time for that Gunparade show thing again, so roll the intro so I can get some sleep.

Seriously this show feels like some student project thrown together over the course of nine weeks. It was like "hey we can make the animooz" and then they went "YEAH LOOK WE MADE THE ANIMOOZ" and the teachers just shake their heads and go 'okay guys seriously you realize this looks like shit?' BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE WE CAN MAKE THE ANIMES.

Anyways the episode begins with some dude fueling his car. Oh and looking at dat ass because, well, we know our... audience?

When this is the first thing your show cuts to after establishing
the scene, this is not a sign of good quality friends.

So some girls are walking around with voices we should probably recognize if they all didn't sound basically the same. Or had anything resembling a personality.

Oh look it's new girl and... uh... whoever that is.

Anyways new girl's pal is all 'oh noes we are out of uniform oh noes'. What, are you not allowed to wear whatever you want when you are outside of school? Did this somehow change? Just because you live on a school, does that mean you are never allowed to live what some would call a normal life? Japan is weird sometimes, but this? This is the weirdest.

I mean you're not even at school right now!

Anyways new girl is all 'don't worry I took care of the teachers and we need to have some fun during summer vacation so let's get some juice and get hit on by shitty looking dudes who totally aren't just expy's for the creators to mack on us.'

Oh look it's our friends Gary and Stu. Or Marty and Stu.
Take your pick really. Maury and Stu? Eh, whatever.

The guys ask them to go on a ride with them, and ask where they're from, and new girl is like 'shit girl let's play along maybe we can have some fun' and they talk shit about how they have THE FASTEST CAR EVER YEAH.

It's at this point, I realize this isn't the new girl. I think? It must be someone else. Hell if I can keep track of whoever these f***ing characters are. We are supposed to know who this chick is, right? I'm assuming so given that we've spent a few minutes of the show following their little adventure so far.

Oh yeah and their car? POWERED BY REAL GAS TOTALLY BY THE WAY.

Five bucks says she steals the damn car.

They start checking out the car, she kind of chuckles about how awesome these cars are, shows off some bra, and talks about how rich they must be while all sliding around the driver's seat. All while making the other girl mad or something for some reason?

Again, I have no clue who they are supposed to be. I've lost track. Anyways the boys ask if they can ride in her car for some reason that I just can't comprehend and then she goes 'well it's a bit big'.

You have to wonder if she's compensating for something.

Cue the laugh tracks as nobody realizes they were parked right next to a mecha transport, and the girls drive off leaving them with blue balls. Cue title slide?

This is seriously such an amazing translation.

After four episodes of this, I am seriously considering finding yet another source, because these discs? They are just absolutely terrible and totally a bootleg. Yet... I can't help but feel they really aren't missing a lot from the actual show. We'll just see if I can dig something up by the end of the week.

So while I take a short break to look at some things on the Internet (as I am known to do during bad anime binges), I get curious and decide to see who in the name of god was in charge of this travesty. The fruits of my research? Katsushi Sakurabi. Supposedly he's been a director for almost 20 years now, though his project list is amazingly sparse, all things considered. What is interesting to note is that only two series are actually known to me outside of Gunparade March: Revolutionary Girl Utena (of which he only did six episodes), and Love Hina, which only saw him as director for one.

Now, looking beyond Wikipedia, we find that he's actually done a lot more stuff. Some shows include occasionally being director for A Certain Magical Index a couple of episodes, but for the most part, dude is either a storyboard artist, a storyboard guy, or a unit/episode director. If you're interested in seeing his full list, you can look at it here. Best part is you can even see what specific episodes he took part in!

Which leads me to believe that this is the guy you call in when absolutely everything has gone to hell and you have nobody left to fill the gap. Because he seems like a decent enough artist, but as a director? This is questionable at best.

Anyways, now that I have wasted enough of your time with this nonsense...

We see the truck rolling down the street heading all the way back to the school in broad daylight, and they finally arrive presumably, but the artists are too busy showing us the AMAZING WORLD OF FUTURE TECHNOLOGY.

I had no idea top-loading VHS players existed. I seriously
thought this was a Betamax for a second there. Until
I googled it of course.

You know it's the future because it appears to be operating purely via wireless technology. Look at that! A truly cordless experience! Japan is so amazing.

So some boys are watching an infomercial on the amazing new technology being provided by Sibamura Group.

Such future, much graphics.

Anyways it compares the new model to the old one, talks about how this new one uses human-like muscles which provides better mobility, and also better armor. It also requires two pilots which sounds totally awesome to the shonen hero who imagines running into battle throwing missiles with a buddy.

I don't give a shit about contrails it looks like he is
throwing that goddamn missile YOU CANNOT TAK
THAT AWAY FROM ME.

Other dude imagines all the chicks he'll be able to pick up in it.

Then shock and amazement, they have a new machine now. The girls talk about how they need to check over it and all that, and my favorite girl is left to do all of the important stuff. So who is going to pilot this thing anyways? Ah well whatever they'll figure it out. But first, more important things! Like inviting other people to go party. Or... participate in a... contest? I'm not sure what I am looking at here.

What am I looking at here? A duty roster? A lotto? Context please!!

Even my favorite has joined in on whatever fun this is. And is also sporting the cutest mustache.

Eh, I'd still date it.

Now time to excitedly watch adults talk about which kids get to use the new machine. They'd like New girl and Protagonist to pilot the machine, theoretically, but one of them doesn't like to work with other people. Too lone wolf. What do? Idea! What is this idea? Hell if I know but we'll probably find out in the next scene.

Which is class time, and they talk about the new double seat system. Which is so totally exciting to everyone.

So. Much. Enthusiasm.

So people chosen, you've got practice. New Girl says nothing, then goes out to stare at the machine in the middle of the night because moody, and mainbro talks to her about how friggin' rare two-seater mechs are. He keeps trying to talk to her, but she walks off and then we see the cat scratching a wish token. Not that it's translated of course, so I have no clue what the wish was. I'm sure it was nothing important though.

*sigh* I'm kind of looking forward to better subs at this point.

Anyways, it's time for people to start their... training?

Boy are people just super excited for this or what?

So some other people we can't see are suited up and begin the training. Exciting startup sequences go. Fake enemy, go. Get to work you lazy bastards! Mainbro and new girl work together, and they start running around a fake city, all working together like some sort of professional, and they see the 'main monster' is approaching. Then they fall off a ledge, fire off the rifle, and give away their position. Oh no. Suddenly the machine isn't responding properly, and the new girl pulls the plug on the simulation. Or... takes control? I dunno. Then missiles everywhere and the simulation ends.

Okay, so she 'turned off his power' so she could take total control of the machine.

Actually no. It'd be nice if you could explain that.

Anyways the teacher is all 'you bros gotta work together, new girl stop being a bitch, and mainbro, stop freaking the f**k out all the time.' That does it for training for today. Which was all of five minutes.

Time for more girl talk about the arrangements about the whole team for the new machine.

Also MORE PHOTO WITH HEAD CHOPPED OFF OH NO.

Seriously every time I see something like this it makes me
want to punch a cat or something because you're just
being an asshole and not showing us the entire picture
purely for bullshit dramatic tension!

New girl cries to herself looking at this picture we know nothing about while mainbro keeps saying sorry to his window. Commercial break!

Upon the return, we see some images about how dropping f***ing nuclear bombs is BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. Albeit completely necessary to FIGHT OFF ALIENS.

You're really breaking some new ground with this shit let me tell you.

So the teachers talk about how instead of using nukes they can just replace everything with this two-seater machine or whatever and everything will be awesome.

Anyways just as mainbro is about to walk in on them he hears the other dude teacher yelling about why mainbro and new girl were chosen for this machine. What is their deal anyways? Well it's because he gets a good feeling about them, and then Nono is like 'sup bro'. Then they go talk to teachers. So everyone sits down and has tea to talk about. Uh. Something?

If he's smart, he's trying to ask how he can get out of his contract
for doing this show.

Then Nono asks him if this is about him being partners with that girl, and he denies that's totally not a thing but it is a thing and they tell him to suck it up and stop being such a pussy. Then the blind dude asks the little girl for her opinion on this team.

Please die in a fire. Please. You are a monster who does not
deserve life in this world. A monster disguised as a child.

Try hard, new guy. Try hard. Encouraging words and fighto hardo. Epic tea sipping. CUE TRAINING MONTAGE.

I was serious about the training montage, by the way.

EPIC MACHINE PRACTICING SOLO. Because nothing says practicing how to drive a two-seater like practicing by yourself. PUSH UPS. TESTS. PEOPLE NOT WANTING TO TALK TO YOU. GIRLS STARING AT YOU MOODILY AT A DISTANCE. Finally the montage ends and new girl goes to the library, to meet someone we've never seen before, but mostly to look at some shelves full of books.

This is truly the most exciting library visit. She takes three books, but the payoff, of course, doesn't take long to show up.

OH GEE LOOK SHE IS JUST A TSUNDERE. SUDDENLY
THIS MAKES HER BEING A BITCH TOTALLY OKAY.

God I hate this f***ing show. It's just so horribly terrible and cliche and she tries not to blush because OH NO I AM TOTALLY NOT HAVING FEELS OR HAVING PROBLEMS RELATING TO OTHERS.

The best part?

It's an audiobook on making friends.

Blah blah try to see things from other points of view, blah blah don't get mad for no reason, blah blah STOP BEING A MOODY BITCH.

Time for more training with two people. Begin. Machines running through fake town. Oh noes. Stomp stomp stomp so exciting. Repeating footage from earlier. Proceed along path determined by lady. Stop just short of running into a building and then apologize. Flashback to a tape telling you not to be a bitch and get mad at every little thing because DEALING WITH PEOPLE SO HARD.

Seriously, I'm not sure if the people who wrote this crap had any kind of idea of what people are actually like. Because even by Japan's standards, this is just... really terrible. Masters of storytelling indeed.

She lets his almost-mistake slide because TRYING NOT TO BE AN UPTIGHT BITCH. Let's keep moving along, and the teachers are like 'hey this is pretty cool'. Then monsters get in their range, and then a robot jumps into the air, lands in the middle of everything, and missiles everywhere. Maybe? Nope, because oh no, we have troops in the area can't just shoot blindly.

Then the monsters decide, 'eh, f**k it' and begin wandering off while mainbro keeps saying he totally can't fire on friendly forces and enemies at the same time. Which makes the girl angry again, and we see a flashback to when she took control earlier while hearing some sage wisdom from the tape again.

Or... maybe not a flashback? I honestly have no f***ing clue what just happened here. Did they fire the missiles? Did the monsters just wander off? I don't know.

Now we go to the pool at evening. New girl gets pissy with mainbro over why he didn't shoot, and he's like 'uh friendly fire is bad' and she's like 'okay seriously like what? Just fire when I tell you' and he says they are just the same or something. So he proposes that they... switch places I guess? That would actually make sense to me.

Then the cat wanders over, smiles as they yell at one another by the pool over montage music, and wanders off as books are returned and more blushing occurs. Or not blushing? I dunno. Junk food is also imbibed.

What is the point of all this?

Another wish token falls to the ground, and the episode ends.

After finally arriving at the end of today's episode, I have to ask myself.

What is the point of this show?

What the hell am I even watching?

And finally, who would ever call this the greatest show ever made?

Because my god. This show is f***ing terrible. I can hardly even mock it that's how bad this shit is.

But y'know what? No. This is not enough. I must dig deeper. There must be an explanation here. THERE MUST BE.

Gunparade March was based on a video game made in Japan. Came out in late 2000. Turns out it was pretty well received due to its 'creativity'. Best part? It was Sony-published, so of course it got plenty of marketing. This spawned a manga, which later got another manga, and a few years after the game hit shelves this turd of a show was released.

And the game's big claim to fame was that they used real locations for a lot of their stages and set locations.

Suddenly, this whole thing makes a lot more sense.

It's a shameless cash-in on the popularity of something.

But since we never got to see the game stateside, instead all we get is this shitty show.

I'm trying very, very hard to see the good in this, but it feels like it's making references to something I have no frame of reference for. Like it expects me to know what this setting is and all that, and I don't.

Not to mention, the show so far is f***ing boring as hell.

I hate you, Gunparade March.

I hate you so much.