Gunparade March Episode 10 - Hello Sadness - Once Upon A Dime

Finally I am nearing the actual catching up on things so that the ol' Mon Wed Fri schedule may return with regularity. Of course, it means I have to suffer yet another episode of Gunparade March to do it... but sometimes you just gotta take one for the team.

And in this case the team is you. And your job is to laugh at me for being an idiot.

Sounds like a good deal to me. If I were you. Which I'm not. Why am I doing this again?

This intro seriously makes me want to get my murder on. Because it is so. Freaking. Bland. I am still of the opinion it should be added to the Geneva Convention as a form of torture.

But at least they open it with promise that it won't be a complete waste of my time.

A waste of everyone else's time, mind you, but not mine.

So Tanabe finds a wallet just lying there on the ground. And she's like "I'm totally not excited by this at all I promise." Good things just don't happen to her. It's probably empty. So she's just gonna stand there, staring at it. Because she knows how her life is. But she bends over and picks it up, and looks inside.

This seems like an awfully strange reaction to have.

Immediately cut to her handing the wallet over to some really old lady in front of a police officer. Man! Glad we totally avoided the entire plot full of potential shenanigans there, or else we might have had a fun episode! Man. Feels great aborting plots like that. Guess we can call this episode done and over with, right?

... wait what do you mean there's still 19 minutes left? How are we ever going to fill an entire episode after that brilliant masterpiece?

.... that's like, $20.

So then she's walking along thinking about that twenty bucks in her pocket, and a black cat crosses her path as she wonders if something good is about to happen.

Oh yeah and the cat has kittens by the way.

Nah, I'm sure it'll all be just fine.

She then passes out in front of a shrine after reading her fortune.

I'm still wondering if there is actually a plot here or not.

Time for that intro screen I guess.

Thank god I only have to deal with three more of these.

We now jump into that teacher lady figure out who will be in charge of play based shenanigans, and then some random stuff determines who plays what roles in the play. Lech boy gets cast as the King, and feels that isn't cool because he doesn't want to immediately die.

Cool story bro.

But then the blind guy tells him to sit down and shut up and enjoy his goddamn role. So the next role, the one of the wizard... is also contested. For a good reason though I assure you.

I lied.

Anyways that blind guy gets upset again and tells all the scrublords to come at him if they have a problem with the random castings. Which makes everyone even quieter than before. So they decide to skip the next few assignments and lady teacher has one of the guys take over for her. Nono will be playing a fairy, and everyone knows how the rest is gonna go. Obvs Shibamura is gonna be the princess so that leaves Tanabe as the maid.

Or not, y'know, that's cool too.

Oh but clearly this is a mistake. I mean, there's no way she could ever get the Princess position, so obviously there must be two maids put into the raffle for some reason.

... that is the stupidest f***ing thing I've ever heard.

But Tanabe passes out because OH LOOK SHE PULLED THE PRINCESS POSITION. DARK DRAMATIC MUSIC GO. DUN DUN DUN.

Dogs howl at the moon, and confidence in the play is now at an all-time low.

With friends like you who needs enemies am I right?

Ah but then we hear that they have a mission coming up where they're in charge of the PBE bomb. You know that thing the show was supposed to be about but forgot about halfway through? Oh and Tanabe will be 'helping with the activation process'.

Uh-huh.

Anyways bandanna girl thinks Tanabe's luck is finally turning around, but the red-head just cannot stop shitting all over her tiny parade.

More evidence that justifies her murdering everyone in the face
with a knife as they sleep.

She is convinced that something terrible will happen to Tanabe as a result of her terrible luck, so it's just building up to one great big Mt Vesuvius of fuck-ups. And she has a plan. A plan to record Tanabe on video.

You are truly a despicable human being.

Yep. You. Are. The. Worst.

Anyways the black-haired one gets mad at her for saying shit like that. So mad that her accent changes and the others are like 'uh what?'

Then Nonomi is hanging out with Shibamura, and getting reading lessons.

What the f**k is this child reading?

Then some people are riding street trains and we see folks practicing for the play.

Y'know, with this being the second play, are they trying to rip off Sakura Taisen? Because that's kind of the vibe I'm getting here, minus the mini-harem. Anyways, talk about stuff people will be doing, and that quiet guy has to say things and he shakes while doing it.

He literally says more words than he's said in the entire show, and winds up vomiting because of all the talking.

... yeah.

Oh shut up.

Anyways, Nono shows off her fairy outfit, which somehow has wings that waggle around. Because anime.

Then they all talk about how Mainbro and Shibamura are playing husband and wife in the play because the Maid and the Servant are married and he's just like 'eh whatevs'.

Seems to me like Tanabe got the short end in this play.

They do some practicing, heroboy chokes up during rehersal because a girl is holding his hand, and we learn that the princess is under some spell by the wizard or whatever.

The teachers wonder about the casting, but they keep going on anyways.

More practicing, more Tanabe doing nothing at all. Some knight comes across a sleeping Princess and we find out she was actually sleeping and wakes up talking about the PBE. Whoops. Enter the commercial break.

Afterwards Shibamura and Tanabe are eating lunch and talking about how the acting is going. Tanabe talks about how nervous she is, and she admits she kind of has a thing for one of the guys which is making her nervous, so Tanabe decides to ask her for a favor. We get a flashback of last year when she was totally out of cash, and that dude with the long hair gave her a friggin' dime to make a phone call.

Okay, you might be embellishing a little there.

So he walks away, and turns out that dude is a team member. She made a phone call, and then that car exploded.

And got stuck in a hospital for two months thinking about senpai.

Shibamura tells her to make the most of the play since they're hero and heroine, and then Tanabe decides to ask her a question: What's the deal with her and mainbro anyways?

She seems under the impression that Shibamura wouldn't like to be with a guy like him because he's kind of a flake and not really reliable and overall kind of a doof so obviously there is no way someone as cool as her could ever possibly want to go out with a guy like that I mean seriously she always just knew that there was nothing going on between them. Ever.

Seriously, is everyone in this show just a complete asshole?

Tanabe then declares that mainbro is "not man enough" for Shibamura, at which point the girl finally breaks and is like "whoa, okay, listen chick, he's actually not a bad dude."

Boy I sure am glad we're finally having THIS conversation.

Of course, her sudden change of heart is met by Tanabe's stern gaze.

"Oh. So you're saying I'm wrong. I know where you sleep."

Suddenly she decides, hey, they should get back to practicing because uh, ain't nobody got time for this? FAST FORWARD TO THE FESTIVAL.

Static images of people enjoying themselves, and we see the group running over lines one last time before the play is performed in front of those asshole kids from LAST time. Tanabe isn't wearing glasses, and just before the play is to start, THEY SUDDENLY DECIDE OH WELP ALIENS ATTACKING, BETTER JUST DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND FORGET THE PLAY.

Smooth.

The kids riot, again, because this is bullshit, and to placate them the kids get a movie made by the red-head.

... what.

Seems that in a worst-case scenario she recorded the entire play and is now showing it to the kids.

Some planes fly around in the sky while we hear the play being read over the PA, and since they're cutting back and forth between the play and the current action, I'm going to just have to guess that they are trying to use the play as a framing device for what is about to happen or whatever.

There are dead cats and empty Seven-Elevens, and the wizard cursed the kingdom and stuff. Also, the kingdom wound up losing their army, and not a lot of survivors whatever.

Oh look, some aliens! Oh look, some explosions! Oh look, some machines dropping out of the sky.

Wait nevermind we're back to the crappy play. Which, admittedly, is made a million times better because Tanabe.

But back to aliens dying! Wait nevermind, back to the play. The princess winds up meeting a fairy or whatever who takes pity on her, and I guess the knight gets in a fight with the wizard. Oh look, it's time for Tanabe to do with PBE thing.

Though, isn't that why they have Nonomi? I'm confused.

Anyways back to teh play the fairy shows up, tells them that they can't defeat the wizard with a sword, and then... uh. Huh.

Then we're back to the battle I guess but they really need
to stop with all these confusing cuts.

Anyways Nonomi activates the bomb, I guess Tanabe is just monitoring the process? The wizard monologues while people beat up aliens and set up a bomb and whatever. Then they run off and everything explodes. The wizard is beaten by the power of not-hate? And everyone lived happily ever after I guess.

Tanabe is told she done good, and then she passes out again.

The film ends and everyone is happy with the result.

Also this happens.

Things sure seem to suddenly be working out, Tanabe gets her favorite food, and gets a phone call from her mom. Everything burned down and the insurance isn't gonna cover any of it.

Right. They will. Three episodes from now. When the show ends.

Tanabe turns out to not be depressed at all, because in the end, it's still the best day ever because her family is totally okay, and then the usual luck comes back and everyone is happy that she is so damn miserable all of the time the end.

F**k you, whoever made this show. F**k you and your bullshit arbitrary ideas on what constitutes luck. You are dicks, and I still hope Tanabe kills everyone in their sleep.