Gunparade March Episode 11 - I Couldn't Bring It Up - A Good Reward For Their Labour

Oh my god.

This is episode 11 of Gunparade March. Do you know what this means?

Do you know what this means?!?!

It means there's only one episode after this one. Not two, like I thought. Only one more episode.

THE END IS FINALLY IN SIGHT. STRAP IN YO BUTTS, WE'RE GOING IN HOT.

As always, the intro is just so god damned awful. Thank god I only have to watch it one more time.

Normally this is where I make some snappy observations, but f**k it. I got nothing. My brain is checking out. For good reason. It knows what's coming. Or rather, it knows what to expect. So yeah.

It finally f***ing ends, and we leap right into a mission. Our heroes are doing.... something? I wish I knew but they just won't take the camera away from their f***ing faces.

And just to prove I am not being a complete f***ing dick: Here. THE FIRST TWENTY F***ING SECONDS OF THE EPISODE.

Way to showcase your animation talents you f***ing dicks.

I know the subtitles didn't render out there (for some reason), but they are talking. NOT THAT YOU CAN SEE THIS OF COURSE. So there's no way to tell if this is training or a mission or whatever. We can assume it is a training mission what with how calm they are, but given they elected to show us absolutely NOTHING, I can't really say.

This continues. Far, far longer than it has any right to. A bunch of targets get blown the hell up, and then, FORTY FIVE SECONDS INTO THE F***ING SHOW we finally learn the truth.

Gee it was all just a training thing after all.

WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO BUILD SUSPENSE LIKE THIS? I will tell you why. BECAUSE THEY ARE LAZY AS F**K.

Oh and they show us some new people who will probably vanish before the commercial break.

Oh good you're on camera.

Guy says that's a wrap, hero sighs and mean girl is like 'daww he's relaxed'. ROLL TABBY.

I only have to see you one more f***ing time you fat sassy bitch.

Cut to... the guys watching hero and herogirl on the teevee. Not that anyone really cares, because Duo Maxwell just wants to see HIM on the teevee.

*sigh*

But then they cut away because they realized he was in the shot or whatever, dude gets mad and knocks the other dude over and stuff, and the reporter asks our derpy hero an important question.

Uh, what? I'm not sure if this is an actual thing in Japan or not.

He gives a class-act answer though.

By which I mean to say he screws the pooch.

But don't worry. They ask Shibamura the same question. What's derpface to you?

Yep, reinforcing that heart of ice.

Oh and then all the girls are also watching this on their TV and give her this look.

Look at Tanabe there, just sitting there like "yeah, you know
I got paid to show up. Aww yeah. Free money."

But now that Shibamura feels all embarrassed she demands the child come with her so they can... uh, go... somewhere.

WE'RE GOING TO F**K SOME BITCHES AND MAKE
SOME MONEY.

The other girls take this opportunity to talk about her behind her back.

Seems they're getting about as sick of this shit as I am.

I'm confused. Was this whole love thing what the entire show
was supposed to be about? Because you promised me hot mecha
on alien action and lots of death and you are FAILING MISERABLY.

Bandanna there thinks that they need to find a way to, er, kickstart this whole situation. They need... a plan.

... oh god.

The report ends, and we see an empty command room with... some lady I don't know? And then that command dude is talking to her I guess and he seems annoyed but they immediately cut away from that, I guess they decided letting us actually learn anything was too much trouble, and focus instead on OH LOOK A CHRISTMAS PARTY!

We are now going to spend the next five minutes figuring out
who is going to be doing what at the Christmas party. Greaaat.

They figure out the most important job first. A guy and a girl to go and do some shopping.

"Ah shit, it's gonna be me isn't it. Of course it is. I always do
the f***ing shopping around here."

Predicably the entire class nominates to force them to go shopping together because f**k whatever they might think about the situation. So then broseph gets seven envelopes slammed onto his desk, and ordered by someone with zero authority over him how they need to go about this little shopping adventure. Because they say so.

I love Shibamura's expression here. I kinda giggled.

Oh and you have to open the envelopes in order, but only after you finish the last one. Did we mention there are seven of these? Because there are which means you are guaranteed to be out all day.

Shibamura suspects something is up, but then the teacher decides to add her two cents because she's a manipulative bitch.

There's a joke about Christmas Cake here somewhere.

Teacher comments about how this sounds like a date, and... uh, then she starts talking about how... she asked a friend for some 'advice' the other day?

Also, the cat gives our hero a look like 'f**k bitches get money'.

Also how have I gotten 11 episodes in and not made a SINGLE
Big the Cat reference? F**K!

Shibamura spends the whole night standing in front of her mirror with clothes or whatever, and then it's the next day and they feel very awkward walking around town in their uniforms. Which I am sure will not get them recognized at all.

Six minutes in and I think I want to shoot myself now. I know
where this is going. And I don't like it at all.

Oh, but in case you thought this couldn't get any worse... it does.

DO YOU NOT HAVE GIANT F***ING ALIENS YOU SHOULD
BE FOCUSING ON DESTROYING OR SOMETHING?!?!

Man they seem pretty f***ing laid back considering the first episode of the series. You ever get the feeling that maybe they decided to change gears halfway? Because I do.

Yes, Tanabe, unfortunately this really is going to happen.
But please keep speaking so you can make that sweet cash.

By the way, in case you are somehow unable to read how this map works, it ends with them going to a hotel.

Oh, and one of their scouts has a question for their operations base back at the school.

I personally have way more than ONE question about this.

I am beginning to get the distinct impression they simply gave up at this point. It's the only thing that still makes sense.

Oh but they see the targets, and put their brilliant 'plan' into action.

This is so f***ing painful to watch at this point.

They hand off some 'promotional flyers' before running off, and I'm not sure what it is for but it looks like a coupon for a hotel because Shibamura gets super mad and begins stalking off to wherever their mystery destination is.

These poor kids.

Oh and they now have little fortunes or... something?

Be right back, gonna just start finding what's left of the wall
that I can begin to smash my head against.

Oh boy.

I'm gonna need a new wall by the time this is over.

.... what?

They both stop at the same time, look at one another, and talk about how weird their fortunes are and stuff and how they totally aren't embarrassed or anything.

There is something almost magical about this.

Hm. I'm going to do something I don't usually do, because I'm feeling magnanimous.

No subs. You're welcome.

Then some people see the main characters and comment at how cute they look sitting there, staring at the ground.

Yep. That ground. It'll get ya if you don't keep a close watch.

They decide they need to go and do things but they notice they are surrounded by couples, and our hero calls out Shibamura's name and they both blush, and it is the most awkward f***ing thing in the world. He tries to say that he loves her, and... then some other dude says it instead to some other chick which spoils the mood for some reason?

... why does this interrupt them? I don't... what?

He is immediately dumped by the girl who goes walking off, with him chasing after her, and... I guess they decide they need to go and do that shopping thing? Shibamura seems disappointed, but notices how dejected mainbro looks, and that makes her happy? She laughs and calls out his name and tells him to wait the f**k up.

Because tsundere.

Anyways, the guys back at the school hear about this and decide they aren't gonna worry and they're just gonna keep going on with the plan. Which means they put Tanabe into action.

Oh and that dude she likes is told to go with her because.

Now it's time for something totally unrelated and completely boring!

What the hell is with the wiggler in the background?

So yeah. There's a reason for this. See, there's a camera crew out there reporting on the news and all that.

If you couldn't see THIS one coming from a mile away...

The reporter tells him they're in love, and wanders off camera leaving him looking very awkward and uncomfortable. She then goes on for the juicy details. Like where they're going. Or what he likes about her. Oh but don't worry she can't hear you so you can say whatever? I guess they have earmuffs on Shibamura so she can't hear anything.

He tries to set the record straight by saying they're totally just out to get some things. All day.

So they tell them to switch out, and what does she say? Dunno because they cut right to commercial.

Off to the next store. It's super exciting.

Super. Exciting.

They try to pick out some clothes, he is asked if he wants to try them on, he says it's a misunderstanding and he won't be wearing the suit... God I don't even. This is store five of seven. But leave it to Tanabe and Tagalong, who are lurking in the back with some kind of... plan.

I'm beginning to suspect Tanabe is the real main character here.

Anyways, of course dude tries on the frickin' suit.

You look like a wet cat.

Shibamura takes one look, and goes "OH HELL NAW" and immediately returns to the clothes racks to come up with something far more appropriate.

While Tanabe watches of course.

Speaking of which, while he's trying on the new outfit, guess who makes her entrance again? Yeah, it's mai waifu.

Y'know, I actually don't want to know. I'm okay with this.

I am so okay with this right now, and here's why.

LOOK AT HOW F***ING HAPPY SHE IS.

Tanabe continues to be the only good thing in this show. This whole plan was really just to get her with this guy. PLAN IS SUCCESSFUL.

Wait what do you mean that's not what the show is about F**K YOU TANABE IS A GODDESS. I WILL CUT YOU IF YOU SAY OTHERWISE.

Shibamura sees this, and goes "huh. That's... weird."

Then maindude comes out and is looking stylish this time around.

He's all like 'I'm ready to go hunting some Eldritch gods now.'

She takes one look, decides he looks perfect, and then they... go to... a jewelry shop.

... wait, no more Tanabe? YOU MONSTERS.

It is at this point that our mainbro begins to suspect something is amiss.

Also, Hitler is just totally hanging out for some reason.

Shibamura looks at the thing, and glances off to the side, thinking maybe she saw something.

NOT A SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER AT ALL NOPE.

They're worried that Shibamura might figure things out but they are almost done with this. The others at the school are cool with letting things play out. So they head into the shop, and Shibamura once again takes the lead, deciding she is gonna pick out some super awesome ring or whatever. CUE THE MONTAGE.

... yes. We just got a f***ing jewelry shopping montage. In my f***ing alien-shooting mecha action show. It is clear where the focus on this show is at this point, and it's not on either the aliens or the mecha.

I guess they get asked to look at matching rings at some point? This is super embarrassing to them, Shibamura looks at some earrings, dude is like 'PRETTY', and then they walk around some more as the sun sets in the distance. There's only one place left, so they decide to figure out what this last one is.

And, as they told us, it ends at a fancy hotel.

They go up and wind up at a fancy restaurant, where they just happen to have reservations. Gee isn't this odd.

Hopefully they'll get this over with, admit they like one another,
and then Tanabe can live happily ever after.

Of course, no date is complete without other people listening in.

Because their teammates are dicks.

They opt for the 'Christmas special', and the girls talk about how great all of this is. The guys start to question if this is really working, but some seem confident it is.

I took this screencap because Tanabe. SHE IS A GODDESS.

A GODDESS I TELL YOU.

But we hear the happy not-couple talking over the radio about how weird this whole shopping trip has been. A shopping trip that ended in A FANCY DINNER. Shibamura says she didn't expect to have this much fun, and starts talking about how she's been thinking about killing aliens all by herself ever since 'that one day'. About how she thought that guy would have wanted that.

Things seem to be going okay, but then mainbro mentions how she still just can't forget about that other dude and we hear her get up from the table and go walking off. The other characters are mortified, and he seems pretty sad over the radio. It gets turned off, and everyone feels like utter shit because they are horrible people.

Except you Tanabe. You can never be horrible.

Nonomi seems confused, and they talk about what an idiot that dude is.

It is now the next day, and Shibamura gets called to the faculty room. Not that she wants to, but she gets forced to, as evidenced by the fact that she slept in her uniform clutching that stupid photo all night.

Anyways, there's been a transfer request for Shibamura. They'd like her to join some other pilot in some other unit to work in their tandem machine for some reason. She is told that this is merely a request and that she can decline if she wants, and so she opts to just walk around outside.

That stupid cat is still walking around, and we hear a TV somewhere with that broadcast on the street from the day before. Oh right, it's Christmas now. Not that you can tell what with the lack of snow or even cold air.

Oh boy turns out we're going to find out what Shibamura
said after all. *yawn*

The roommates go wandering off, looking for food, while mainbro is left alone to see his awkward thing from yesterday. And he watches himself be an idiot but just as he's about to turn it off, he decides to see what Shibamura had to say about him.

Which is that he's "a great partner". Not on the job. Just. A great partner. But he sees her smile after that, and realizes what a f***ing moron he was last night. And basically collapses into a little ball of misery.

END OF EPISODE.

So what did we learn?

That Tanabe is amazing at everything, and the show should have revolved around her instead of this other bullshit. I'll admit that in its twilight hours, the whole Shibamura thing actually got kind of interesting, but not enough I'd ever recommend someone watch this show.

Unless they want to join the Church of Tanabe.

... is it weird I am seriously considering making this a thing?