Sailor Moon SuperS Episode 14 - Storm of Love! Minako's Grand Two-Timing Plan

Man, what a week. It's nothing compared to what is coming, of course. Metal Gear Solid 5 is literally just around the corner - mere days away from forgetting I ever needed that thing called sleep. But since that time is not yet now, I really ought to get around to some of these other things, shouldn't I?

Why yes, yes I should. I've got two new shows in the lineup. I know I said I wanted to cut back. I still do. But I'm not going to. At this point, I am beginning to think I'm lying when I say it's because I hate myself that much. In reality, I think it's just because I'm too stupid to know when I should relax a bit.

So in the meantime you all get to laugh at my hilarious stupidity. And speaking of hilarious stupidity, we've got Sailor Moon on the docket for today.

... man I suck at segues today.

According to today's episode overview, looks like Minako is... going out with Hawk's Eye and Tiger's Eye at the same time.

... I am not sure my brain is ready for this level of dumb, but we're gonna give it a go anyways. Roll intro!

Y'know, it kind of amazes me how 140 episodes into this show, they are still using the same opening theme. Sometimes they re-record it to make it sound better, but it's still the same song. You don't see that kind of thing anymore - shows change openings every season, or half season, or in a few rare cases every other episode.  Monogatari springs to mind, with their changing the intro depending on which girl it revolves around.

Ah but the intro is over so we should start paying attention again. We begin with something only a girl can understand.

A bargain sale, of course.

The family is out doing, y'know. Family things.

Or, y'know. Not?

As usual pinkie-pie and blonde spaghetti are fighting over Mamoru's time. The tiny one wants to shop, the child wants to see a movie, and oh look, there's Minako hanging out with some dude.

Gotta give credit where it is due, at least they are just jumping
right into this immediately, which is refreshing.

Of course Usagi can't let this lie and has to tell everyone about this. Cue title slide!

Over at the fruit parlor, the other girls and cats are discussing the whole boyfriend thing. Rei is sad because she still doesn't have a dude, and Luna is like "well it's healthier to have a boyfriend than none".

What does that even mean?!

Okay I think I'm just gonna have to let this one slide.

Artemis gets all depressed, and asks about what the guy was like. Diana also wants to know because she's got some strange ideas about who she might be hanging out with. Oh hey, remember Diana? She's in this show too. It's just that they didn't have anything to do with her for the last four episodes and decided 'eh who cares'.

Oh yeah and Minako is hanging out with some other dude just outside.

That is the worst looking motorcycle I have ever seen.

Usagi notes that this isn't the dude, and then Mina walks in and is like "SUP BITCHES" all happy and shit while everyone is like "the hell?"

I know you used to be a hyper-popular crime-fighting idol once,
but your memory did get sorta wiped so WHAT ARE YOU DOING
AT A CLUB YOU ARE LIKE FIFTEEN AT MOST!

OH CHRIST SHE HAS THE ALIEN EYES WATCH OUT!

Usagi demands to know who that other dude was, who is supposedly an art teacher. He asked her to 'model' for him. In the buff. So the other girls are like "holy shit what the hell Mina" and she is totally not giving a shit because she has two guys who want her bod at the same time. Oh and Diana wants to know what it means to be a two-timer.

Yeah because god forbid children watch this children's show.
Wait, this is still a children's show... right? I'm confused on that.

Oh, hey, she is fifteen. So... yeah, we're gonna have to double
up on the pedo charges for this episode.

Cut to... some random blank space in... er, space?

Watch out, they're gonna start having a sexy-off. Y'know. That thing
where they show each other's chest at one another and claim to
be the sexiest? Oh whatever.

Looks like they're working together, and change into their usual clothes for the bar. Not that either one of them is making progress, but I have to say this is the first time we've seen this bar without stock footage. All of this is original so far, so this is a promising improvement. Anyways they're both trying to do a thing with Mina I guess but both keep failing pretty hard or whatever?

But then they start getting into one another's faces and Fish Eye is like "don't fight over me".

I am still very confused about the gender of Fish Eye.

So, this seems like a great time to finally address the... er, fish in the room? I have indeed consulted the Internet as to the true gender of Fish Eye. And the answer is... it depends if you're watching the original, or the dub. Because in the English dub, they made him... a her.

... yeah, consider my mind blown, when even the people translating this couldn't make heads or tails of this shit.

Now that we know... he is... a he... I guess we should just keep going with what he is up to at this point. Tiger's Eye is like "shut up lady dude" and the other two talk about how they're always getting beat up by those stupid sailor scouts and decide whichever one of them loses this 'fight' has to leave.

Fish Eye thinks they're both stupid, and then Minako is listening to her cat tell her that she's being dumb and has to deal with monsters and stuff and not dating.

He gives up when she clearly isn't listening anymore, and is about to sulk off, but she's like "DON'T WORRY I GOT THIS COVERED BRO."

They are just making these jokes too easy at this point.

Then she does the evil villain crazy laugh and he's like 'f**k this I'm out'.

So now Chibiusa is talking to Pegasus in her jammies about how dumb adults are. Also she asks about the red string of fate, which is an old Asian tale about how two lovers have an invisible red string that ties them together as soul mates. (I say Asian because, as popular as it is in Japan, I am fairly certain it originated elsewhere - I may be wrong though). But Chibiusa wonders if it is possible that one can have two red strings.

Which leads to an awfully odd comment from Pegasus, which is that 'in order to find that one red string, you need lots of different types of experience.'

That... seems very, very strange. Also creepy. Not sure if it is more creepy than strange or the other way around. Let's just settle on it being strangely creepy. Or creepily strange. IT'S F***ING WEIRD OKAY?!

Seriously, these jokes aren't even worth writing anymore.

Now Mina is out to meet her date and late but who cares she'll be fine, and Artemis is all following her and stuff. Fish Eye is first up I guess, and she notices... oh shit, both those dudes are there at the same time waiting for her.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN.

But they are on opposite sides of the statue, and she has no idea what she's gonna do. Meanwhile, Artemis is like 'f***in' told that bitch' but Chibiusa shows up with Luna and they are like 'lolol'.

Oh yeah and everyone else but Mammy-boy show up.

I just want to point out one little thing.

Not only is Diana a micro cat, but she is riding on Usagi's head.

Cue the commercials.

Upon return, Mina sneaks over to look at Tiger's Eye, while everyone else pops their heads out of the bush and Artemis asks why everyone is here.

*sigh*

Oh look, one more example of animal abuse by our titular heroine.

Meanwhile, Mina is trying not to freak out super hard over this.

I miss the old Minako. *sigh*

So she's off to go meet with Tiger's Eye first who is like 'yo you're late' and she makes up some shitty excuse about being thirsty.

Oh yeah, she's thirsty all right. So thirsty she's going for two guys literally at the same time. Good lord.

Is this code for something? I feel like this should be code
for something.

Tiger's Eye resolves to go get her something, which frees her to go deal with that other dude, while someone walks off like some kind of bad ass.

That's what she said?

So now she heads over to Fish Eye, apologizes for being late, and asks to go to a movie and drags him out to see a movie.

What movie, you ask?

Everyone's favorite Gazra.

So into the theater, and we find out that Hawk's Eye... can't see shit in the dark.

So they go and sit down. Or rather... she somehow manages to get someone else to replace her so she can run out.

I can't make this up. Minako straight up grabs some random person who we never see more than a hand of to take Fish Eye's hand and watch a movie with him so she can run out and hang out with some other dude.

Holy f**k. At first I thought this episode was going to be an improvement of some sort, but this? THIS?! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F**K IS GOING ON!? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GUARDIAN OF LOVE? WHAT THE HELL. NO. THIS IS JUST COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE AND I BET SHE WON'T EVEN LEARN A LESSON WHEN THIS IS ALL SAID AND DONE.

Off she goes to meet up with the other guy, makes up some shitty excuse about having to use the bathroom, and Diana is like "man this looks like a lot of effort for no reason".

STOP. STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS LOOK GOOD. IT
IS NOT. SHE CLEARLY DOESN'T ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT THE MEN, SHE IS LITERALLY JUST USING THEM.

Artemis gets all pissed off though, and we cut back to Gazra shooting fireballs. Oh and Fish Eye notices he's not with Mina anymore.

Well.

I'm not sure how that would be  a problem for Hawk's Eye, all things considered, since he has previously admitted to loving the geriatrics. But it is a problem for him for some reason, and he cries out as the movie ends. Mina notices the time, says she has to call home, and goes back to the theater to meet up with Hawk's Eye again, saying she was totally there the whole time and then runs off for another bathroom break. Constantly running from one place to another, like some bad Scooby Doo bit.

Eventually, she breaks down and is exhausted and everyone else is like 'yo, Mina, you got some problems bitch.'

It's so wrong even a child can tell why it's wrong.

Usagi tells her she needs to come clean with those dudes, she decides they will, and messes up the 'chasing two hares' proverb.

Yeah you're nothing like the character they introduced 120
episodes ago.

She goes charging off, and the girls wonder what exactly is different.

Back at the park, two dudes have a showdown over Mina, who shows up and is like 'so uh, yeah, I've been playing you both?' but they wnat her to choose one of them. Cue the cheesy romance film music as they demand she makes a decision, and she says she cannot lie to herself.

I hate you so much Mina. You used to be awesome. Then you
lost your memory.

At this point, both guys are like "f**k this shit let's just transform and put this bitch on a board". So that's what they do. Mina goes oh shit, the dudes decide they need to be tied, and then Mina is all hurt because they were lying to her.

Anyways they put her on a board and decide they're gonna see her dreams, and a mirror comes out of her chest. Both dudes fight over who gets to take a peek of course, and the other girls and cats are like 'oh hey this is a thing' so they decide they need to do something about it.

Y'know, let's just not pretend that this whole 'peeking at someone's
dreams forcefully' thing isn't just a metaphor for sex anymore.

Given all of the moaning, her talking about her 'dream' crumbling away, and the guys getting all hot and bothered over what they are seeing... well.

It's still disturbing as f**k.

They finally pull out, mention how 'awesome' she is, and then decide they have to kill her. Like usual.

Oh but the heroes show up to, uh, dispense some justice or whatever. So it's time for a double monster thing. One that is literally named seesaw.

At least their designs are slightly more inspired than usual.

Even if their attacks... aren't.

By the way, I want to show you a little clip of their introductory animation. Because you can clearly see someone had a little too much fun drawing this.

Just a little bit though.

That is the best animation of the entire episode, and it was all spent on a bit character who lasts for all of two minutes at most.

Anyhow, the girls get launched into the air while the pink one beats them up and sends them sailing to the ground. Anyways the boys start fighting over whose monsters are doing better while said monsters play on a seesaw, and Artemis goes to check on Mina who is starting to get super pissed off and decides to Hulk out, break out, hide behind a thing and get her own transformation sequence unlike everybody else because this episode is all about her.

It's the full one, too. Is this going to be a thing over the next few episodes? Probably not.

But now Venus shows up to kick ass and Hawk's Eye is kind of agitated.

Jesus they are f***ing DUMB.

Venus declares she'll never forgive them, they wonder why she's so pissy, and then she lasers the ever-loving f**k out of everything. Oh but since she's not the main character it's time for the shitty child and the actual child to do their things and save the day because they're the ones this show is all about.

Also, I'm kind of surprised Mamoru didn't have to save their sorry asses this time. It's a nice change of pace at least.

Monsters are gone, bad guys are like 'welp time to go' so they outie, and Venus is like "SORRY I AM SUCH A BITCH". Then everyone laughs because their friend is such a bitch, and some dudes run off to get drunk off their asses.

Oh hey, it's the most lazily designed room in all of anime again.

They decide to call it a 'draw', Fish Eye is disappointed they're not both leaving, and then Artemis and Mina talk on a bridge somewhere. She apologizes for being such a floozy, he tries to call her out on that, and tells her that real love is something you can only figure out with experience.

Then she walks off into the pink sunset and... whoa wait what the hell, a NEW ED?!

This one is... actually kind of better than the last one. It's a bit more upbeat and JPOP but not in an obnoxious way. It also features the kind of images you're used to, but not all of which are static - quite a few are animated!

Okay these are kind of nice little touches not gonna lie.

In fact, this... is much better than some of their previous ending themes. I... I kinda like it.

Oh look she's doing that thing again.

Somehow, this ending theme makes me feel... I dunno. Sorry for Chibiusa a little bit? It's somehow managed to inject more character into her character than the entire f***ing show thus far. That's incredible. Tell me they hired the guy who did this ending for the show? Made him the directory or something? Because that would be great.

Sure, the ending is Chibiusa centric, and I HATE Chibiusa, but this isn't so b-

... actually nevermind it's still kinda bad now.

F**K.

And that's it for this episode. On the one hand, better paced that the others so far, and I hope that stays. But on the other? I really, really miss the characters that these girls were introduced as. Because they've become horrible cliche's of themselves, and that's kind of sad. Especially when you consider where Minako has been in her young life so far.

Missed opportunities all around is probably the best way to describe this entire series so far.