Sailor Moon SuperS Episode 12 - Try for the Best of Japan! The Worries of a Beautiful Girl Swordsman

Just when you thought these titles couldn't possibly get any longer, they somehow do. Good lord.

I had something incredibly witty I had planned to say, but then I queued up the next episode and realized this was going to be an episode for the books.

Oh, and I think I have some new shows lined up for the next 'season'. Since I'll be one episode short, maybe I will take a break next Friday? We'll just see. I'm sure I can find something.

Anyways, enough pointless rambling. Let's get to the good stuff. By which I mean this incredibly terrible episode.

It's gonna be a real doozy I can already tell.

So let me see if I can just summarize this episode with a single picture.

Tiny girl with wooden sword gets her ass kicked the entire time.

Damn, doing this in one image is just too difficult. But it pretty much tells us, hell, shows us that a tiny girl is going to be beaten with a wooden stick. In public. Brutally beaten.

Oh, but it's also her mom. ROLL INTRO, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.

I suppose that there's a chance maybe this episode won't totally f***ing suck, but I've also seen enough of the show at this point to temper this line of thinking with the knowledge of how this entire f***ing season has run so far.

So yeah.

How do we begin this episode? In the most stylish way possible, of course.

WITH A MANLY F***ING SAMURAI DUEL. Wait, isn't
this show supposed to be for girls...?

Except that, uh, there's something a little wrong here.

Seems our contestant in blue is a blue-haired Chibiusa.

So they go through this moonlit duel in the middle of the city, and they do that thing where the one guy declares his victory then they stand around for friggin' ever. We learn, however, that they are being observed, and this introduces my first major issue with this episode.

Yeah, these three have been watching the entire time.

So let us review here.

A grown man is attacking a child with the intent to kill, as that is what TRADITIONAL SAMURAI DUELS ARE ABOUT, and these three are just standing around, watching, and not concerned whatsoever for the fact that if this man were to strike a child even with a wooden stick she would PROBABLY BE DEAD.

Have you ever been hit with a bokken? I'm going to guess you haven't been. It's like getting hit with a f***ing baseball bat. A baseball bat shaped like a f***ing katana. THAT SHIT WILL BREAK BONES AND CRACK SKULLS. It may be something of a joke about samurai beating people with a training blade, but that shit can still legitimately kill a person. Just much more slowly. Because instead of having your f***ing arm cut off, you're bleeding internally and your bone just got crushed to a bloody f***ing pulp.

That is the kind of thing that could kill a child instantly.

But hey, it's all good, THIS IS A CHILDREN'S SHOW AFTER ALL. I AM SURE NOBODY WILL EVER QUESTION THIS.

Anyways dude falls over, and we find out this gets even worse.

BECAUSE IT IS ACTUALLY BROAD F***ING DAYLIGHT.

Oh and we also find out that not only is this child forcing grown men to try and kill her, she's also a vagrant.

Sure Usagi. This is 'so cool'. And not a completely horrifying
thing that as a self-proclaimed warrior of love and justice
you should be incredibly concerned about. Ya bitch.

Makoto tells us that this kid has been here for three days now, and has somehow managed to get ten people to fight her. That's not concerning at all. She also has yet to lose, but don't worry. It does manage to get even. Worse.

In less than three minutes, I already want to put my face
onto a belt sander. Thanks.

I know. I'm probably taking this show way too seriously at this point. But... shouldn't someone have been at least marginally concerned about this development?!

If you've ever seen a Samurai flick, or hell if you've ever seen an anime parodying a samurai flick, or if you've ever seen anything remotely resembling a samurai anything, then you know how this conversation will play out.

"Train me PLOX! I WANT YOUR BABIES."

"LOL SRY BRAH STILL A STUDENT."

"DATS COO TRAIN ME ANYWAY NOTICE ME SEMPAI YOU ARE AWESOME."

"Okay cool, uh, gonna go back to being the strongest in the world. Lates."

Ah, but of course, Chibiusa offers to give the girl free food, and afternoon naps.

ENTER. THE TITLE CARD.

Seriously WHY IS THIS SHIT SO LONG.

So out of the goodness of her heart, Chibiusa decides this girl can come crash at Usagi's place and that she can turn their living room into a makeshift dojo. Because someone has the broken-ass Luna-P with her and can do whatever the f**k she wants.

At least I'm guessing she used the Luna-P for this, I mean come
on, how else would she accomplish this shit?

Oh, that's not the living room by the way. That's Usagi's room. Oops.

By the way, that little girl? Pretty sure the same actress for Chibiusa. SO THAT WILL NOT GET CONFUSING AT ALL. Especially not when she refers to Usagi's mother as "Mama Ikuko".

So tiny swordgirl is like "I'll leave if I'm in your way" and Usagi's like "naw suddenly I am okay with this for some inexplicable reason that is probably plot-related."

And totally not a cause for concern that a ten-year-old is living
in the streets picking fights with grown men.

And of course, in case you were getting worried, the little girl is amazing at cutting on vegetables, much to the family's amusement.

I'd almost forgotten Usagi has a brother. I think everyone else
did too because he never shows up anymore.

We learn that the tiny girl is, of course, humble and kind, what with wanting to help out around the house given that she's staying for free, and that makes Usagi's mom wonder about little girl's parents. THE FIRST PERSON TO WONDER ABOUT THIS SO FAR IN THE ENTIRE SHOW.

Truly, Usagi is a role model, right?

Little girl says that her dad died five years ago, and freezes up when she thinks about her mother.

Yeah I'm sure that's not a cause for concern either.

Off she goes to chop onions, and Usagi gets this strange feeling that something's not quite right.

How right she is, of course, because we are immediately whisked away to the land of Faygo and Scary Clowns.

Thank you, I worked hard on that joke.

So we have Tiger's Eye going crazy over this photo of a little girl.

I really, really, really wish I were joking at this point.

Make no mistake. This dude has absolutely crossed the point of no return.

SHE IS LIKE F***ING TEN YEARS OLD DUDE. WHAT
THE ACTUAL F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Fish Eye says he has bad taste, and Hawk's Eye isn't even bothered by this. His only concern is how Tiger's Eye is gonna make this work.

... oh. My. F**k.

So off he goes to attempt to seduce a little girl. Oh, but first, we need to see that woman from the first image I posted approaching said little girl at the bridge.

Said lady approaches little girl with a shinai (a bamboo sword for you non-weebs out there), makes fun of the kid for 'wasting time training', and they proceed to enter duel-modo.

Oh and those other two show up just at the right time.

Usagi and Chibiusa are completely unconcerned about this turn of events, and the lady rushes forth to dispense some quick ass-beating. Their blades crash, and... well... I'll just show you what happens next.

Yeah, that just happened.

Oh, don't worry though. We're getting back to some classic Sailor Moon roots here.

Ah yes good ol' child abuse.

Man, it's like we're watching Sailor Moon R again. Remember that? Good times.

Usagi steps in and asks the woman to stop beating the tiny girl but the tiny girl is like 'it's ok mom can beat me' and her mom tells her to give up on her dreams and walks away laughing. About how her daughter will never be able to become the strongest in Japan.

I forgot to mention the part where she was laughing the entire time she beat her child.

So now we have child abuse, child neglect, AND we're going to be dealing with pedophilia all in the same episode?! Be still, my beating heart, for this may TRULY be the strongest evidence against this show so far. Though, sadly it isn't Usagi perpetuating these things (anymore), I'll take what I can get. Especially since I have a pretty damn good idea of where this episode is going.

At this point, we have to listen to the little girl telling Usagi about her mom.

NO SHIT.

We find out that her desire to be the best like no one ever was was also her father's dying wish. She gets all weepy about wondering why her mom is such a staunch bitch all the time, but stops herself and has a flashback of when her mom caught her crying this one time. But because onion chopping.

Her mom was pretty understanding back then, but now we return to reality and find little girl is for real crying and so Usagi and Chibiusa go off to do a thing.

Which includes yelling at large doors.

This doesn't get either of them anywhere, despite how much they yell. We're talking a FULL F***ING MINUTE.

Only to learn there wasn't even anyone inside.

Usagi gets all polite before realizing she's supposed to be a bitch and so both girls go off on the mom for all of the wrong things. Which means they yell at her for not supporting her daughter's dreams. They kind of ignore the whole leaving your kid out in the streets, not feeding or clothing them, or beating the ever-living hell out of them with a stick in public.

Or, I dunno, be arrested for the crimes she's committed against
her daughter? I mean, y'know.

Of course the mom gets mad and tells them to butt out, but they're like "we can't because she is kind of going nuts and stuff with the training" and the mom is like "uh yeah I know that's kind of the problem in general right now".

But she puts the bitchface back on, tells them to stay out of it, and goes inside, leaving them to yell.

That's actually saying something, considering Usagi will
some day be guilty of many of these same crimes.
AND YOU KNOW THAT PERSONALLY.

Their words do reach the woman, of course, and we go back to the bridge where little girl continues to train and get angry and stuff about how she can't win against her mom. But then, a cherry blossom floats past... and oh boy oh boy, it is that time.

It's that f***ing time.

It's that asshole. Looking stylish as ever. Being a bigger creeper than Mamoru could ever have been. Which says a lot given the shit THAT dude has gotten up to in the past.

Ha ha Dead Moon style.

Little girl immediately challenges him to a duel, and while he doesn't decline, he does instead ask if she'd prefer some tea.

I know I rag on the animation a lot, but this is one of those rare
moments of quality I can't help but enjoy.

She declines the offer for tea, of course.

Seriously, where are these animators during every other episode?

He says she looks pretty when she's mad and decides to accept her 'challenge', and in a surprising move, she interrupts the villain's sequence!

Seriously. WHERE WERE THESE ARTISTS BEFORE?!

So he decides, eh, f**k it, may as well get into a sword fight with a little girl.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go die laughing somewhere.

Commercial break time!

Upon return from messages from our sponsors, we are once again treated to a samurai thing, but... uh. The animation seems to have taken a steep dive. I couldn't even create a screencap for how bad this is, that's how f***ing low the framerates are. You'll just have to take my word when I say it is pretty f***ing horrendous.

Just imagine this rotates a little bit every half second, and you
pretty much can imagine what we're supposed to be looking at.

She recognizes this as a 'full moon technique', but he fails to strike the girl down, who then begins to question how this thing even works.

That is an actual object. It isn't moving very fast, that is it at
a complete standstill.

After it vanishes from sight, she rubs her eyes and begins to wonder if something is seriously up at this point. Tiger's Eye laughs though, as the girl is bewildered at how he can already have his weapon back. They trade strikes a bit, and just when she thinks he has failed to hit her, he...

... he...

Oh god.

There is just no good way to say this.

The tip of his sword grows to reach out and touch her groin.

NO. I AM NOT GOING TO SHOW YOU THE ACTUAL
GROWING. THAT IS JUST SICK AND WRONG AND
I FEEL QUEASY ENOUGH SHOWING YOU THIS OKAY?!

Also this happens.

She falls to the ground, and he begins to walk away, thinking stuff to himself while... reading a book. And she requests that uh, maybe he wait up a bit?

I can't even keep track of what this dude is supposed to be
doing at this point anymore.

Oh wait nevermind.

She asks if he is some kind of famous sword dude, and he's like nah I'm not known at all, but I follow this other famous dude that you've never heard of, and now I am completely offended that you've never heard of this person.

Oh, you know, that dude known as mother-f***in' Musashi?

Turns out, this was all just a hilarious mix-up because he was reading Musashi as Takezo for some reason. Because Japanese is hard! But either translation is technically accurate, though everyone knows him as goddamn Musashi.

At this point though, dude has clearly lost his mind because he tries to cover by saying that since Takezo's name was so close to Musashi's he was never quite as famous. Even though they are the same person.

Oh and then this happens.

... are... are you... is this a reference to Kurosawa? I don't...

Little girl requests he accept her as a student and OH GEE LOOK AT THIS HE IS REFUSING BECAUSE HE HIMSELF IS STILL A STUDENT. He makes an exception though since she has such beautiful dreams, and then a little girl goes off with a perfect stranger at his behest.

Y'know what we call that in America?

We call that a pedophile.

Remember those other characters? Y'know, Usagi and her future daughter gone back in time? Yeah, they're still in this show. The tiny one is angry, while Usagi is mulling over what the mother was saying, and thinking there's something about all of this.

OH GEE. WHO DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING AT ALL.

When this episode is over, I'm going to have several choice words to say about this episode.

Usagi declares that there isn't a mother in the world who doesn't think dearly of her own child, and I have to remind myself that she actually does live in a fantasy world where these things are not true. Because there are. In general, parents do care for their kids, but there are plenty of really horrible mothers out there. This is one of them, just... in a different way. But that's a rant for later.

Back to the child abduction case, the kid begins to question just how far, exactly, they will be needing to go.

Next thing you know he'll be trying to bribe her with candy.

Oh but wouldn't you know it, Rei and Makoto just happen to be walking by after a massive shopping trip. Where do they get money anyways? Well, whatever, they see the kid and immediately think something is up what with her walking away with some strange man who looks oddly familiar. Almost like they've maybe seen him around several times before?

They don't like where they are going and decide to follow.

Eventually, he leads the little girl to the spot and decides now is the time to go full creeper.

Har har pedophilia.

Prepare to get uncomfortable.

I warned you.

He asks that she trust him, and a cloud covers the sun, and he changes to his true form and she feels some massive evil presence and then he does the board thing and traps her. She tries to struggle free, and he laughs at just how freaking dumb she is, and why it was so easy to fool her.

How clever you are tricking a mere child.

Anyways, he rips a mirror out of her body and oh look Usagi and Chibiusa mysteriously run up onto the scene and transform because they just magically show up at the right time. Sure, I guess Rei and Mako probably told them what was up, but did we see that? Was that hinted at whatsoever? Nope. Do they even care to explain this? Nah. Unimportant. Anyways, after getting what he wanted from the little girl, he finds that she's not the one he was looking for after all and needs to get rid of her.

Oh but Jupiter on the scene to save the day. The sun comes out, and I guess we have four scouts on the scene today.

... okay, three. The small one and her mom are half apiece.

They're going to beat him in the name of love and justice and stuff. Oh look, it's time for a monster. Someone who is a 'master of using strings'.

So... a puppet master?

... yeah not so much.

I realize that it is very difficult sometimes for you, the reader, to understand exactly how I react to these sequences sometimes. Allow me to just be very blunt with you. This is the kind of thing that, upon seeing it, my initial reaction (after pausing to make sure I'm not insane) is to stare in disbelief for about three seconds before closing my eyes and trying very, very hard not to cry.

I want to like this show. I really, really want to like this show. But my GOD you are making it IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE YOU EVEN REMOTELY SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU KEEP PULLING SHIT LIKE THIS EVERY EPISODE. My time would be far better served watching Pretty Cure all over again. That's a great magical girl show. This? This is a f***ing travesty.

Oh yeah, and she's a booby spider.

A spider with tits.

... man, it HAS been awhile since we rolled back to the "x with tits" theme that was the running gag for so damn long. At least this one isn't a stripper. I AM LOOKING AT YOU STRIPPING RACING CAR AND STRIPPING VACUUM CLEANER. I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOU MOTHER F***ERS.

Anyhoo, Tiger's Eye asks her to deal with this and leaves because screw this noise. Mars and Jupiter say they'll deal with the spider, so Usagi and tagalong should deal with the little girl.

Mars shoots some flame and the spider does a string thing and makes a 'tunnel' which sends her flames back at her, but who cares Sailor Moon is doing a thing.

Wow, someone recognizes Sailor Moon. That hasn't happened
in a really long time.

The girl gets up, notices the spider chasing those other two girls around, and decides she's going to do something about this. The spider turns her string into a giant sticky web or something, little girl goes charging in and gets her ass kicked by a string, and Jupiter is like "uh yeah we tried to tell you to leave but you wouldn't listen so... here have some lightning you stupid bug monster".

That seems to tear up all the strings that are currently out, much to the annoyance of the spider. Jupiter gets the little girl out of immediate danger, but after a series of ladders, Mars gets a brilliant idea, and issues a challenge.

Hoo boy.

So the spider gets aggravated and accepts the challenge in what may be the most well-animated sequence of the entire season so far.

My god it is beautiful.

Once more, I ask: WHERE WERE THESE ANIMATORS THE REST OF THE SEASON?!

Then Mars tries a sneak attack, and winds up snatching the girls all in a bunch of strings in retribution, and now the little girl is once again facing off against a monster who snares her wooden blade and is basically just toying with her at this point.

She thinks about some things her mom may have said, and Sailor Moon yells at the kid to run away, and so she... lets go of her blade and allows it to peg the monster square in the face, knocking it over. She frees the scouts and then Chibi Moon calls a trapper binder mascot who shines his horn and grants that other girl the thing with which to win the day. Which she does.

Now the monster is defeated, and a little girl helped them out. She thanks them for everything she learned, and thinks back to that time when her mom taught her that heating a knife keeps an onion from making you cry.

... I thought you were supposed to cut them under water? Isn't that easier than heating a knife? Not to mention far less dangerous?

Now I guess she's squaring off against her mom again. Y'know. The child abuser. Under the bridge. They face off, and lets her mom get with the charging, only to fall into a hole.

I have so many problems with this it's unreal.

Anyways, her mom demands to know what the hell this is all about, little girl promises to be the best at swording and also other stuff, and her mom stops being such a bitch.

Sorta.

She drags her kid home, they have some witty banter, and pink hair asks Usagi if little girl will someday be the best swordgirl in Japan and she's like "the hell do I look like ask me in nine hundred years you can time travel bitch".

THE END.

Sweet Jesus f**k this one took way longer than usual. Way, WAY longer than usual. But man, this episode had so many f***ing things wrong with it, my mind was sorta blown at just how this was actually a thing that was really happening after so long.

Just remember kids: If your dad died and your mom hates you, it's totally for your own good and you should just challenge random dudes to fights in the street and nobody will ever think twice about it.

Which means it's time for the rant. Because child abuse and child neglect are really big problems in the world, and they have been for a very long time. This show tries to brush that aside though, by explaining that all moms really love their children and so if they get mad at you or act like bitches or hit you all the time and yell at you and tell you your dreams are stupid that it's really for your own good.

THIS IS A TERRIBLE MESSAGE TO SEND TO CHILDREN AND YOU SHOULD FEEL HORRIBLE FOR WRITING THIS.

I know. This is a show for 'kids'. But sugarcoating something so obscenely WRONG like this makes me feel sick. I can name two shows that maturely dealt with themes of child abuse and neglect, and still wound up being f***ing fantastic: Nanoha and Digimon. And y'know what? They were perfectly kid safe.

F**k you Sailor Moon SuperS. F**k. You. This is a low you haven't stooped to in a long time. If this episode has one saving grace, it's that the stock footage was kept to a bare minimum this time around. A scant thirty seconds or so maybe? But besides that, the content itself was so much worse. So very, very much worse.

Watching this show continues to blow my f***ing mind. That these things ever made it to television. That nobody ever bothered to question this shit. That people still hail this show as being amazing and wonderful and 'legendary'.

I want to like you Sailor Moon. You have some great ideas, and some legit amazing moments. But for the 5% about you I adore, I have to sit through THIS SHIT.

F**k this show. I'm gonna have to go find a happy place now because I cannot even deal with this anymore right now.