Diabolik Lovers Episode 01 - We Couldn't Even Title Our Own Episodes

I've been talking about wanting to find a new show. Well, I've finally found one. I have another I definitely want to get my hands on, but sadly it seems that being only the length of a single episode, it may be a bit tricky.

Instead, we get Diabolik Lovers. A show about... a girl who lives with vampires. Or something? I'm not entirely sure but that seems to be the general gist. So how bad could this show possibly be, you wonder?

After watching the first couple of minutes, I gotta say the answer is pretty godawful bad. Don't believe me?

Well allow me, kind fellows, to prove you wrong.

The show opens calmly enough. Blank screen. Some text. Some clouds. More black screen with text. A car driving. Black screen. A girl riding in the car. More credits. The rolling countryside. More credits. The girl in the car rolling down the window. A few more credits. A large house in the distance. More credits. A birds-eye view of the house. A few more credits.

I am sensing a pattern here.

The car arrives and drops the girl off at the gate, and I'm not really going to nitpick at the artwork yet, because it's not really that bad for a TV show. It has a weird sort of charm I suppose? If anything it seems to be setting the mood of something kind of strange and surreal pretty okay.

You only warrant a drop-off at the gates.

At least it seems okay up until the point where you realize the people who recorded the video of the 3D portion of the scene only ran it at like, 10 FPS which makes it seem really jittery and completely not in sync with the rest of the weird zoom-in that occurs seconds later. Oh boy. Quick, better throw up the title slide before anybody notices that we fail to understand frame rates!

Hold on we also seem to fail color composition SHIT.

The girl walks in and there's a fountain and it starts raining out of... literally nowhere. Holy shit just mere seconds ago the sky was sunny and birds were chirping and everything! Then the most conveniently-timed thunderstorm just rolls in and is all "sup, best get inside girly or you'll miss the plot". I guess they're trying to set the mood or something.

So she runs up to the door where it's a little dryer and raps on it, and calls out, and the door sorta casually opens on its own and we get our title slide.

It is simply "EPISODE 1". Except with a fancy clock. Oh boy! This won't get annoying at all.

See, we can be super artsy too!

Anyway the girl walks in and seems to ignore the fact that the door is entirely automatic. And that there is nobody waiting for her on the other side of the door that just opened itself for her. But hey, she's sure it's fine. Probably nobody knew she was coming today. Yeah, they just forgot to mention that part I guess.

Of course it's at this point in the show we get the pointless track shot. The one that tries to apologize for the shitty zoom-in from earlier that screams "We totally know how to integrate 3D into 2D material! See, here's proof!" You know, this might have been a little bit impressive... if this weren't made in 2013. Welcome to the f***ing party a decade late guys. This isn't new or revolutionary technology. What are you trying to accomplish with this pointless shot, precisely?

oh wow such quality so amaze

As previously established, there seems to be nobody around at all. Confusing our poor... whatever the hell she's supposed to be. Protagonist, I suppose? Because I'm seriously doubting she is a hero of any sort. Her character design appears to be okay, even if her eyes are just a little bit on the wrong side of creepy.

Seriously how many highlights does your eye need
in a dark f***ing room?!

Her attention is drawn over to some red-haired guy just kind of chilling on the couch with his shirt open like it's some kind of fashion statement. In fact, I'm not sure what kind of statement he's trying to make, because he is wearing the belt over his shirt for some reason.

Mixed messages at all?

Oh I'm so hot all the girls wanna doooo me aw yeah.

So the girl speaks and tries to rouse the young fellow, because... well, I guess she wants someone to talk to, and they show an extreme close up of them showing her touching his hand, and she immediately recoils in horror because, wait for it, he is cold. So she immediately checks for a heartbeat, and discovers that he doesn't even have a pulse! She should call for an ambulance.

Yes I'm sure the corpse will appreciate that quite a bit.

But before she can dial the number for whatever Japan's equivalent of 911 is, the corpse sits up and tells her that she is damn noisy and this isn't her house so she should just shut up. She is amazed that he is able to move, and he is simply... annoyed.

A cold pulse-less corpse maybe?

She gets up to run away but is quickly snagged and forced down onto the couch where he lords over her and says, and I quote mind you: "You already know the answer to that. I'm about to take you." And licks her neck.

Okay first of all? She didn't actually ask you a question. Saying "What?!" does not CONSTITUTE A GODDAMN QUESTION. It's really more of a statement. It explains nothing! So saying she already knows what's going on isn't actually explaining a thing, it's confusing your audience and alienating any chance you have of someone continuing to watch this pile of train wreck past the first episode.

So after licking her neck he prepares to bite down like some sort of vampire, when someone else shows up, asking him what all the friggin' noise is about.

The dude rudely interrupting Ayato (the first guy's name) happens to be named Reiji. At least he doesn't look like a mother f***ing shark. Just like you'd expect if Gackt were playing the role of a vampire.

I was 100% serious about this guy looking like Gackt.

So he's all like "dude, this is the freaking foyer, you don't do that shit there, we greet guests here. Take that shit up to your room already," and of course Ayato gets all indignant and shit. The girl gets up and asks the dude to help her, and introduces herself as Yui Komori. Supposedly, her dad said she was supposed to just start living here. I guess. But hell if anybody has actually heard of this before now.

Get ready to start groaning. Because Gackt asks Firebug if he knows anything about this and he's all "shit you didn't tell me nothing pancake" and she's like "you didn't give me a chance and did you seriously just call me pancake" and he retorts with, wait for it, "yeah you're flat as a pancake".

I'll pause here and wait for you to break out in applause over the brilliant writing. I never could have seen that one coming. So original! Pancake. I'll have to remember that one. An insult for the ages.

But Reiji thinks this is super weird and tells her this is not the place to talk, and that someone should see to her luggage. He just kinda. You know. Appeared out of nowhere to take her bags. Nothing to be concerned with I'm sure. Don't mind him just slinking into the dark. You'll probably see your stuff again.

... probably.

Off she runs after the guy who isn't a complete dick so they can sit in another room to be told all about how the girl was left at the wrong goddamn house.

But not before her story is interrupted by some dude interested in the fact that a human girl has shown up.

Oh hey there Yosuke! I hardly recognized you with your
little douche hat there.

One jump cut later he is on the other side of this girl and licking her cheek, and what in the hell. Where some other dude also wants 'a lick'.

I thought this shit was just for your private rooms god!

But Reiji chastises them for doing all of these incredibly rude things towards a girl they haven't even met yet. I mean seriously, how rude can you get.

I'm not even gonna touch that Grape Kool-aid.

Faster than you can ask yourself what the hell is going on that first guy is all "hey back the hell off bitches I saw her first so that makes her mine even though she clearly doesn't interest me in the least because she has no breasts." I'll just let the screenshot speak for itself.

This is going to be a thing with you isn't it.

So he keeps saying "Yours Truly" with every passing sentence like it's going out of style, and... someone actually calls him out on that shit. Who would dare to do that? Some dude named Subaru. He is invisible I guess until he decides to stop being invisible or something. I dunno they don't really explain shit so far.

Oh my god you are the worst vampires ever.

Anyway, somebody is just a little bit grumpy.

QUICK BURN IT BEFORE IT STARTS SPARKLING!

Understandably confused, the girl asks how he even got into the room in the first place and he all punches a wall, and then it's up to Reiji to try and figure out what the hell is going on. Has anybody heard anything about this girl? Because seriously like, out of five mainbros in the house only one of them is not actively attempting to molest the girl in one way or another.

Of course, she finally decides that she probably just got dropped in front of the wrong mansion. Or something. And tries to leave but not before she is stopped by Reiji who tells her he is "attempting to verify the truth of the matter".

... seriously dude? She just told you she was coming to live somewhere, and clearly nobody here knows shit so she should be on her way.

Oh but finally someone knows something about what the hell is going on. It's a guy who just appears on a couch out of nowhere. Probably between cuts or something. It's a thing this show is doing I guess.

OH MY GOD IT'S NAGI AGAIN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

I don't get it. This is not a new studio making this show. They've actually been around for quite some time. Since 2001 at least. Yet this show makes no goddamn sense at all. I don't even understand the premise of the show and we are halfway through the first f***ing half of the first episode at this point.

So Shu casually decides to fill us in on a little bit of exposition, but not before telling us that 'maybe' he knows something. And after waiting for one of his brothers or whatever to call him on his bullshit and to just spill what he knows, he says that some dude called him up a couple days ago, saying some girl from the church was showing up and they should show some goddamn respect.

And of course not only does this not make any sense to the audience, it seems to also confuse the hell out of the other guys who are like "wait so this is the potential bride?"

Wait. What?

They go on to say that she's more of a 'sacrifice' than a real 'bride'.

Uh, what?

I'm sorry, what?

So Orpheus there drops the bombshell that this dude who just called him out of the blue and said to expect some girl from a church or some shit should remain unharmed, and the others are all "oh, okay, cool I guess, so uh, be seeing you around or whatever."

No I'm pretty sure there's a huge f***ing misunderstanding.

But they all finally get introduced from oldest to youngest, all with an accompanying solo shot of some sort.

The only legitimately creepy one for all the wrong reasons.

Oh and Yosuke there with the douche hat has already taken to calling her "little bitch". Or "Bitch-chan".

No, not even joking about that.

So of course Yui figures out that this is all wrong and none of these people are right and that she should probably go call her dad. She asks for her phone back but douchenozzle McAngry decides to straight up break that shit. Because I guess he's a dick. Oh but he tells her to get lost. Which... would be a lot easier if you hadn't broken her phone?

... yeah no that in no way sounds cool.

But after getting creeped out enough, she tries to run away, and falls to the ground, having scraped her knee. Which causes this to happen.

Oh hey I think they might be vampires.

She puts two and two together, realizes they must be vampires, and whips out a cross.

Which makes everyone just kinda laugh.

So she runs out and cue the overly dramatic music and she runs into... a giant banquet where Grape tells her he will 'break her' and she finds a phone that doesn't work, while Nosuke creeps up along her. More running occurs and she finds she is unable to leave through the entrance, and that first guy is all... you know I just can't tell you how overly melodramatic this bullshit is. I'll show you instead.

Oh my god you are every single shitty vampire cliche EVER.

He goes in for the bite but she runs off again and instead chooses to go upstairs, where she comes across...a door with chains and a heavy padlock which just shatters or something? So she runs into that room which is pretty run down, and finds... stuff.

I'm sure this will make you forget all about the hellish horror
you are currently experiencing!

Calmly she looks around until she finds something that makes her chest hurt. A book falls from the shelf behind her as she discovers the figure outside of her window is no longer there, and of course she examines the photo, which appears to be of her as a little baby. Oh, and the book is her father's diary. She discovers that her dad isn't her dad or something, and finds that she is no longer alone. Again.

And yet, you all feel compelled to barge inside.

They continue to taunt her, Subaru continues to want to punch things, and everyone starts talking about wanting to drink her. Reiji is all "yeah you're not gonna leave" and the camera gets weird and a picture frame shatters or something. But that's not gonna stop someone from getting bit. I think. I dunno because the ending starts playing and it is every bit as overly dramatic as you can imagine. Oh, and completely boring as hell.

In fact, it's so boring and brief that it shows the next episode previews in monochrome with bloodstains over it. Because vampires.

Film grain, check. Bloodstains, check. Monochrome, check.
Yep, this is every old time cliche executed like ass.

Quickly I begin to realize just why this show is one of the lowest-ranked anime of all time on AniDB.

The one saving grace for this show, besides the fact that it is only twelve episodes (thirteen if you include the special "episode 6.5", yeah how original), the episode's average running time is only about 14 minutes. Probably 12 if you trim the inevitable intro that will play at the start of every other episode.

I'll be the first to say this: The show could have actually been decent, from what I am seeing. However, they decide to not explain anything at all, just dropping us into the middle of a mess and choosing not to explain anything at all until they can do it in a way that just sucks all of the emotional potential out of it. Like... some kind of vampire.

... oh god it is forcing me to resort to this level of humor now. God help me.