Diabolik Lovers Episode 3 - It's Really Just A Number

Diabolik Lovers. God. I'm only onto the third episode and already I feel this strange desire to start throwing random objects at passers-by in the vain hopes that I might chase them away before they are subjected to this godawful pile of shit.

Of all the shows I'm watching right now? It's honestly a toss up for which is the most vile. I mean you can tell Pupa clearly had no budget, so that should excuse some of its terrible decisions, along with just being super brief. But this? This is horrible on a level I am still struggling to comprehend.

I have never seen a show that only runs for about fifteen minutes. It truly defies belief. I just. I simply don't get it. I don't understand. Most shows average 23 minutes - roughly one and a half minute for intro, same for the ending, and twenty minutes of whatever nonsense they choose to air. Of course this varies some depending on the actual content of the episode - some run a little longer, some a little shorter, but they average about 20 minutes or so of actual content. Usually.

But not Diabolik Lovers.

This show is going to cause me no end of headaches, and this mystery? I may never solve it.

So when last we left off from this amazing catastrophe, the twist ending of last episode revealed that the journal which had all the answers is now suddenly blank. But you know what? That is nothing compared to the next bomb shell they drop right at the beginning of this episode. I hope you are prepared my friends, because I have a hard time understanding this one.

Because today's episode begins... at the dinner table.

Or maybe it's the breakfast table I don't know.

There's all sorts of deliciously-prepared food, and... they are just chowing down.

Hold on. I thought these guys were vampires? You know, creatures of the night who do not need to eat food because they are sustained solely by the blood of humans? Who can't properly digest food but it's fine because they don't actually need to do that shit since they get energy FROM HUMAN BLOOD?! Dear god these things really ARE trying to be Twilight Vampires! Next thing you know they'll be running around in the daylight like nothing is wrong!

So Dickish Yosuke discovers that the "little bitch" isn't eating, and wonders what is up with that.

Gee that would be a huge shame now wouldn't it?

He then offers to feed her, but is then chastised for... standing up during dinner?

Uh, what? When did that ever become a thing? That hardly makes sense at all. Saying it is "bad manners to get to your feet during a meal". What, you're mad because he didn't excuse himself first or something? It's not like he actually left the table, he just off-screen teleported.

Then the angry one gets up and leaves the table while the other returns to his seat via conventional means (walking in this case), and the other similarly walks out. Oh and Grape is talking to his bear and stabbing cookies with a fork. Yeah, that's just great, yell at the guy who gets up to try feeding the person not eating and yell at him for having bad manners, but totally ignore the kid making a ruckus and actively disrupting the meal.

God I hate you so much right now you hypocritical crapsack.

Anyway he goes on to mutter something about some deadbeat, presumably the guy who just left, but then goes on to make a comment about how 'he' doesn't make the effort to show up to the monthly dinner party. Oh, so it's a monthly thing, okay. Still doesn't explain why you are eating in the first place but you know, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here and say it is purely for social value.

Of which there is absolutely no real socializing going on here so hey, good going in that case.

Eventually everyone is dismissed, except for girl because... well, you know.

DID YOU SERIOUSLY NOT PAY ANY ATTENTION
AT ALL TO THE ASSHOLE SITTING ACROSS FROM YOU!?

Oh and because she has such horrible table manners, he says that one of these days he will have to take her aside and 'discipline her thoroughly'.

... what in the flying f**k is going on here?! How does any of this even make sense?! It doesn't! And yet she says she understands but I sure as hell don't! Anyway we get our shitty clock title slide and then she opens a drawer by the bed and takes out the probably still empty journal which she was hiding away.

Predictably, it is still blank, but the photo is still there I guess so it's something for her to go by. But then a voice comes from behind, and she whirls around to see that once again, privacy is a thing which means absolutely nothing in this household. Or the need for doors I guess. At least on any consistent sort of basis.

Probably not to suck your blood again.

Turns out he is in fact there to suck her blood, and she's all "but I want to take a shower" and he doesn't give a shit. But as he goes to bite down she tells him that she hasn't exactly been feeling all that great, but hey, what does he care? I mean it's not like anybody told them that she was supposed to be kept relatively safe and not really harmed in any way so I guess completely ignoring the fact that she's not feeling well is totally cool.

After 'stamping' her a few times by which I guess he means giving her weird hickies that don't appear to have drawn any blood, he decides he's had enough until after her both, since he doesn't want to deal with her fainting. I guess. This show just gets weirder by the moment. Of course, he does also tell her not to take too long and just straight up vanishes.

So now she's in the bathroom looking at the marks in the mirror, and discovers someone else is taking a bath. With his clothes on.

Okay, seriously, what in the name of f**k is even going
on here?!

Of course being the idiot bimbo that she is, she's all concerned and he tells her to shut up and go away, because she is making too much noise. After all, he is just taking a bath. That's all. Just taking. A bath. With his clothes on.

After nothing this, however... yeah.

Yeah you are really being convincing here pal.

He then accuses her of barging in just to see him naked, and she's all "I just want to take a bath!" And he's all "So take one with me" and we are going to just have to suffer through the long and uncomfortable "dude seriously I just want to take a f***ing bath and no I don't want to bone you or see you naked or be in a tiny ass bathtub with you so can I please just take a god damned bath already".

But then he's all like 'man I feel tired' and she's like "so why are you different from the others?" and he revealse that everyone has different moms. Sort of. It's kind of confusing but it seems like what's going on is that there's been like, three mothers previously. But Ayato, Kanato, and... the Raito triplets? Wait now I am even more confused when were there ever triplets introduced and why do they all have the same name? How many freaking mothers are there really? I don't know. I just don't know. I suspect it doesn't really matter because then he tries to drown himself and she won't let him and grabs his hand to pull him back up, and then he gets all the memories.

Complete with sepia overtones.

You just know you're in for a sweet trip down
memory lane when sepia filters and tilted
cameras get thrown into things.

Then there's a close up and then a fire and a young him sitting watching a house burn and more fire and some dude named Edgar and him just kind of standing there some more and then hearing his name called before he realizes that he is hurting the girl. Which makes him stop for a moment, before just... pulling her into the tub fully clothed.

He wants to drink her blood, and wonders why she looks so scared. And then he takes a good look at the marks his asshole of a brother made and is like "man, what a freak". Like you are one to talk.

Well you could've fooled me!

She cries because she thought he was different and he's like "seriously? I'm a f***ing vampire what did you think I was going to do." What I wonder about though is that if they are all going to constantly be going after this chick, did nobody think to themselves what would happen if they all kept drinking from the same cup? Because seriously, that's what's going on here. And they're not supposed to kill the girl, or do they just honestly not give two shits about that either? For that matter, what do they care about because frankly, their motives are just a complete mystery, probably not just to me, but to the people writing these characters.

I'm sorry, characters is too kind a word. These aren't characters. Characters have things like emotions, and motivations, and drive. These are just puppets. Puppets acting out a soulless play that makes no sense because none of the plot is really going anywhere so far other than "girl arrives at mansion, learns vampires live there, begins living with vampires". Which doesn't really do much considering they keep avoiding that stuff and instead just show her being collectively creeped out by dudes who just don't understand what personal space is.

But I'm probably being overly harsh. After all this is only the third episode. So I'll let it slide for now.

I'm standing by the puppet comment however.

So after promising to show her a whole new world he takes a bite and finds out that her blood is super hot. And that she's getting exciting and she must be getting turned on by this and shit and... then he's all "I know why you came to live with us, your blood is super awesome".

.... you still aren't making any sense.

Finally she returns to her room, and of course, that asshole is waiting to suck on her blood. She tries to tell him it's not a good time, but he's all "who gives a shit?" And notices that she's just been freshly feasted upon. Who did it? Why that Shu fella? I guess it's time to confront him about that. In front of the girl. In the foyer.

But as usual, he's playing the whole "you're loud go away" card, so Ayato really loses his temper and decides it is totally time to throw down.

... what?

You guys are friggin' VAMPIRES and you're going to use a game of DARTS to duel?!

Advances to the next round?

And of course this draws in practically everybody in the house, and Shu is like "man I don't give a shit". Which means its time to assault his character as a group and declare him to be a spineless good for nothing deadbeat loser. Which of course goads him into playing.

They promptly skip the entire game and cut to the chase: the final dart throw. Which will determine whether or not she will belong to Shu or not? I... guess? Wow. Way to set up a thing and then totally NOT SHOW IT guys.

Then there's a huge dramatic pause and of course, dude lands the shot and turns around to completely ignore his prize. Until she is pushed onto him, and he just stands there all dramatically still, before trying to play the dark and edgy evil person card.

Uh... right. Like we need reminding.

He goes on to say that... she's already... discovered that? Or something else? And that she should never dream of trying to mess with him? Wait I'm sorry did you guys gloss over something else because I have no clue what just went on here. Oh, you're going to just end the episode there like that? Oh. Okay.

.... what the f**k did I just watch?