Maken-Ki Episode 01 - The Day We Swore to Heaven

What a week it's been so far. Metal Gear Solid V. Work. Two new shows and not a whole lot of sleep to go around. But here we are at Friday. Which means the best gets saved for last, right?

Hell if I know, I know next to nothing about this show, and I'm honestly not sure if anything I watch in the next few months will even come close to that crap.

But you know me. I'm gonna try anyways.

So, Maken-Ki! is a show I guess. And I'm gonna watch it.

... god help me.

The show starts with cherry blossoms blooming and sakura flying everywhere. (Sakura are flower petals for you non-weebs out there, but if you're reading this you probably knew that, and if you didn't you are like the worst weeb out there man like what even are you doing on the Internet?).

Oh look it is the springtime of youth you can tell this is a
high school anime because flower petals.

A girl walks across a bridge by herself while sappy high school anime music plays to put you in the mood of it totally being a high school anime.

Also there is like nobody else around for some reason.

The violins man. The violins. They are wailing as intro credits roll. She sees a butterfly, and tells us she's off to see the Wiz- I mean, her childhood friend.

An inexplicable cloud came over his parents right as he
took this Polaroid selfie.

Kid is one year younger than her and they also went to the same dojo. Hasn't seen him in three years or even so much as spoken to him, and she decided that she's just gonna drop in unannounced. Oh and her name is Amaya I guess.

Oh and she's also the student council vice president at her school but I don't know why that matters at all because dude has been going to a boarding school? What is the point of any of these needless details? Is it just to establish that she's such a pure, innocent flower? I somehow get the feeling this won't be lasting long.

I'm suddenly getting that sinking feeling.

 As she wonders what kind of man he's become, the camera decides to go and zoom in on that delicious ass, and just let it sink into your eye sockets. This is a butt. This is a well-animated butt. This is a well-animated butt that is only covered by the barest of cloth and for some reason seems to stick to her skin like it was painted on. Or like her panties were wet or something.

... oh f**k we're not even two minutes in and the bar has already been set hasn't it?

It lingers for about five seconds longer than I'd like, and... y'know, I think to be on the safe side, I am going to implement the Pantsu Counter. It's been a long, long while, and I have a sneaking suspicion I may need it before the day is out. Along with copious amounts of alcohol.

So she gets to his place, says "YO IT IS THIS PERSON YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IN YEARS TO PICK YOU UP FROM SCHOOL". Oh, I guess they are now going to the same school. Cool. He doesn't answer so of course, she just breaks in because that's totally the polite thing to do. Also, he fails to lock his door which is a thing in Japan for some reason. Seriously why does NOBODY EVER LOCK THEIR DOORS?!

There's a bunch of boxes, but dude is getting his pants on as she comes around, and a bunch of boxes fall over and oh look at that hilarity ensues. *yawn*

This has got to be the most snoozeworthy way for this 'joke'
to have ever been executed. Jesus.

She realizes he's groping her and pantless, then gets mad and knocks him over and oh look, another panty peek. That counts for the counter. I'm only going to be counting the times when it is prominent, because unlike Strike Witches, she is actually wearing  a skirt, so therefore you can count just about anytime panties are spotted for no reason.

Like with this shot.

And given of course that earlier camera angle before the gratuitous butt shot, we are now at three pantsu before three minutes have elapsed. That's roughly one per minute so far. This does not inspire confidence.

Anyways she hits him, tells him to put on his damn pants, then helps him up and everything is great again. He's like "man it is good to see you again" and then is like "HOLY SHIT BOOBS MAN." Which prompts him to imagine what she must be wearing under her shirt.

I'm not going to count this as pantsu, but it's definitely gratuitous. She calls him stupid thereby ensuring that they are totally gonna have a thing together, and we get our title slide which looks like shit.

Then they walk to school.

For all that I ragged on Gunparade, at least they pretended
other people existed in that world!!

She asks him why she chose this school, he says it's because you don't need to take an exam or interview, and we find that not only is he lazy but... wears glasses? Weird. Also it's a boarding school.

Oh yeah but mostly that.

Those are original PSP knock-offs. People still play those?!

He's all glad to be away from that sausage fest and to be part of this thing where he can waggle his peen at other girls and he is absolutely convinced that THIS IS GOING TO BE THE GREATEST SCHOOL EVER BECAUSE POON.

... yep. So glad I implemented the pantsu counter because we're gonna be needing it soon I am sure.

She calls him an idiot, and she's like 'oh so you don't know what this place is like?' and proceeds to tell him what is so different. Like the school fest, or the martial arts competition. Y'know. Normal school things? But wait, the word she uses is 'budokai', which literally means 'martial arts tournament', and he thinks she's talking about a school ball. Like a dance ball.

I'm getting flashbacks of another show I once watched. It was Ikki Tousen. Shit scarred me. Took me forever to remember the name of it but now that I have... I'm suddenly scared.

What the eff is with your imagination dude?!

So he thinks about dancing with big-tittied shrine princesses, she yells at him and then the bell rings and and says people on certain councils need to be places so off she goes.

And pantsu number four.

She tells him to get to the gym for opening ceremonies, welcomes him and sparkles fly all over and he feels funny in the pants, and hears girls talking and just appearing out of nowhere making him happy. We get pantsu number five as we see Amaya running down a hallway (totally unnecessary AND begins the shot with 60% real-estate bonus to boot), and she is like 'man wonder if he'll be okay'.

Anyways, he's happy to be at this school, and some chicks are like.... saying some shit? And purple energy washes over and...

OH GOD DAMN IT IT'S IKKI TOUSEN ALL OVER AGAIN.

DOUBLE PANTSU COMBOB. THAT'S SEVEN IN AS MANY MINUTES. So far the one-per-minute average is keeping. But now it's gonna start ramping up because oh god damn it there's eight in the NEXT shot.

So two girls are fighting in front of giant hallucinatory roses, pantsu number nine, and... I'm gonna need a serious drink at this point because that's almost five within one minute.

So there's fist girl and sword girl and fist girl leaps into the air and does some magical leg bullshit thing and... what the f**k am I watching.

No seriously what the f**k did you guys make me watch here.

This counts for number ten folks. We're not even seven minutes in.

Some magic bullshit happens and they attack one another in full view of this dude who is like 'the hell is going on' and sword girl flashes her shit for number eleven and is like 'if I win you give him back' and big-titty fisting girl is like 'sure whatevs bitch but if I win I keep him' and suddenly I have to be concerned if they're talking about a person and if so I am now very, very frightened for my sanity.

Pantsu number twelve, nothing changes. They fight some more, and we get yet another DOUBLE PANTSU COMBOB. Jesus f**k what. I made a good call when I implemented this. We're quickly approaching Strike Witches level of absurdity here, and that is my BENCHMARK for pantsu overload.

Then some OTHER girl laughs and.... I guess this girl is hanging from a tree...?

... and talking to a fairy?

..... I have so many questions and I'm not sure I want any of them answered.

Then dude handsignals the girl something, and isn't totally saying "I CAN COMPLETELY SEE YOUR SHIT BECAUSE YOU ARE HANGING UPSIDE DOWN". Pantsu number fifteen and we're only 8 minutes in. Number sixteen in the next shot. And yet ANOTHER combo in the NEXT.

This is the entire show, isn't it? Oh god. This is the entire show.

Fistgirl kicks swordgirl's sword, treegirl fall from tree as the branch she was on gets cut through. Also that's number ninteen.

Twenty when she lands on top of the only guy in this entire school.

Literally I think he's the only guy in this entire school.

Number twenty one as she starts trying to break this kiss and get off of him... and another mark as she DOES get up.

This is just excessive at this point and not even funny.

He wakes up, gets a close view of her crotchular region, and we add yet ANOTHER tally. Oh god, why did I ever bother watching this show. Even discounting Strike Witches intro, we're approaching more pantsu per episode than an entire show dedicated to a team of girls who don't wear pants. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING.

And of course, this girl is so sopping wet that her panties are basically skin-friggin'-tight.

Oh but just as she's about to beat the shit out of him WEIRD SHIT APPEARS ON HIS COLLARBONE.

I'm sure it'll be fine, he's just possessed by Orochimaru or something.

Treegirl stops, her fairy is like 'you okay?', and we seem to wonder if this guy can even see fairies because he can hear them but doesn't think anything of them? Add another pantsu to the list. I hope you weren't playing a drinking game for this because we're not even halfway through and you are probably one leg into your grave as it is.

Dude says he's gotta get to the gym and tries to calmly walk away from the situation while girl is like I MUST KILL HIM OR FIGHT HIM OR WHATEVER HE IS MY ENEMY.

Now we're at the gym, and turns out  he's not the only guy there, but he's among a very select crowd it seems.

Anyways they're doing announcements now. Wonder how many pantsu they'll try to throw into the gym assembly scene?

Some princpal welcomes them all and GOOD GOD.

Does no woman in this show have anything less than a D cup?
Sweet f***ing christ!

She tells them the school's motto. Mind, beauty, and body. It's one of those very Asian things where they say both the mind and the body are beautiful and strong, and that no matter what changes occur at the school, this will never change.

Wait what.

Did... did the principal really just say she expects everyone to get boning in addition to beating the hell out of one another?

... what the hell?

So you have an 'element' which I guess you use you get Maken. And if you get all eight of these Maken, you'll... question mark question mark profit?

But since none of this makes any goddamn sense to anyone, least of all the audience, she decides they need to have a demonstration. So those two who were fighting outside? Yeah they're told to go at it again and they're like "yeah we already did this shit". So they feel the need to talk about how sword girl has to never hug her teddy bear ever again because fistgirl is a bitch. Oh and also they came really close to another ding on the counter by wisely cut the frame just short enough that we don't actually get a peek.

It's still a pretty damn bizarre shot if you ask me.

But put another one on there as we see sword girl in a sweater and panties totally not humping said teddy bear in her bed.

This makes the one girl mad while the other is like 'lol wut' and they have to have some other bitches fight.

So if you were somehow not of the opinion that this show was not, in fact, disgustingly exploitative, then let me assure you, the next scene introduces a character by shoving the f***ing camera under her skirt. Yes, don't show us the character's face, don't introduce her by letting the AUDIENCE see who it is. Flash some panties and be all LOOK AT THIS HOPE YOU WEREN'T GETTING FLACCID HAVE SOME MORE SEXY STUFF.

Yes, I said flaccid, you f***ing uneducated rubes.

Girl with sparkles shows up, pans, dings the counter again, and turns out it's that blonde chick who fell out of a tree and kissed a dude and decided to murder him. She wants to fight. Oh and she wants to fight the dude while flashing her pantsu once again.

Leave it to Amaya to say this can't be acceptable because he's a new student and also she knows him. But that other blonde girl agrees saying this can't be allowed because DUDE HASN'T EVEN FINISHED ORIENTATION YET.

So what does the principal have to say about this?

"Eh, f**k it, let's just throw people into a death match on their
first day without telling them the rules, it'll be fine."

The rest of the student body is like "dude get the f**k up there" and he's like "the hell is this shit?" and we get a commercial break. With not quite naked girls, I'm counting this on the pantsu counter for the return slide because it has pantsu, AND THAT IS THE RULE DAMN IT.

We're at thirty counts, by the way. Thirty. WITHIN THE FIRST HALF OF THE F***ING SHOW.

Wait sorry THIRTY ONE BECAUSE THE NEXT ESTABLISHING SHOT IS SOME SWEET PANTIED ASS. Also a fight is going to happen? SURE HOPE THEY DON'T USE ANY MAGIC BULLSHIT.

Glasses boy is like 'f**k I gotta fight a girl' and she's all like 'the hell is your problem' and he's like 'uhhhhh'.

This whole show is nothing but 'pretending'. As in 'pretending to
be an actual show'.

She says she'll hold back, of course, and he can just fake it or something? But who can pay attention with ALL THIS ASS?

F**k you I'm counting this as a 2x combo.

Amaya wonders if he'll be okay, we see more blonde girl panty, and they prepare to go at it or whatever. She thinks about his bare chest, and she's like 'yep gotta beat this guy'. Oh and more panty.

Oh and she's mad he saw her 'favorite panties'? Which we flash back to. I'm counting it despite the whole barely able to see it because IT IS THERE JUST TO SHOW HER PANTIES. Also, YOU WERE HANGING UPSIDE DOWN FROM A TREE IN A SKIRT WHAT THE F**K DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?!

Then her fairy pal is like 'uhhh' and she's like "not gonna kill him" and... she... summons another fairy?

... so much for the 'not killing him' thing, right?

Her plan is that since he has 'no resistance to elements' she will just kill him in a few days. Because that makes everything so much better.

... I have so many questions right now.

The red guy is like 'not sure this is a great idea', and we get another pantsu as he's just like 'you don't even know this bro what the eff lady'. Also something in her blood won't calm down and Amaya gets a bad feeling.

Amaya hopes nothing bad goes on, and they only get to fight for three minutes.

More pantsu as the girl flies at him. Fighting off-screen, and then some hands slapping each other, more pantsu as bro starts fighting back and keeping her at bay or something. No magic bullshit with Amaya is happy with but the other girls are like 'man this is bullshit and dumb'.

More pantsu as blondie jumps back flashing the crowd. Think she'll fight the rest of the school because they all saw her panties? I mean she's kind of just flashing them all over the place at this point, IS THIS REALLY EVEN SOMETHING YOU SHOULD GET UPSET ABOUT ANYMORE?!

Then she gets the scary eyes and magic bullshit happens and bro is like 'uhhhhh' and she goes to do the lightning and oh look another pantsu what a surprise. Then everything goes yellow, and Amaya goes to jump in but some other chick jumps in with shit instead and is like "NOPE".

Oh and it is revealed that this girl's gauntlet isn't a 'replica' but one of the original Maken? Still not entirely clear on what the f**k those even are. But who cares now two girls are gonna fight.

I'm sure this will have a bullshit explanation as well.

Then the glove vanishes, we get a double panty shot (because we can I guess),  we cut to another panty glance, and passes out saying his name halfway through. Add another pantsu as she falls to the ground.

She opens her eyes to find herself in his arms, then hugs him and is like "YAY". Add another counter even though it lasted for like four frames, IT STILL COUNTS BECAUSE IT F***ING EXISTS.

I get the feeling I will look much like this when I am
done with this series. A lifeless corpse, devoid of hope.

He wants to know how she knows his name, she tells him he smells nice, and Amaya gets mad because this is 'impure contact' which is 'forbidden' despite the whole LOVE thing being ENCOURAGED by the lady IN CHARGE.

ALSO ADD ANOTHER COUNTER TO THE LIST.

Also she wants to know how this bitch knows him, and then she introduces herself and proclaims to be his guardian. Oh and his fiancee.

I know. I feel you. This show is bullshit.

Oh and then she kisses him and he's like "THIS SCHOOL F***ING ROCKS" but then we add another pantsu to the list because someone is angry and at just the right angle for pantsu.

There is no hope left for this show. None. It's over.

People get beat up off screen, and then the fountain outside turns on.

It is now evening, the sun is setting, and I guess there are dorms or some shit? I dunno. Amaya goes and leaves the school, thinks about how bullshit this is, and gives us another pantsu due to flashback of a sequence we've already seen but I'm counting it anyways because they intentionally used it for a purpose so THAT COUNTS.

The chick sweeping the grounds is like 'sup dorm supervisor lady with huge boobs' and she's like 'oh nothing you're just imagining shit MIND YOUR OWN F***ING BUSINESS.'

But in that super polite Asian way of course.

Then she walks off, goes to a room and knocks on dude's door and is like "WE ARE TALKING, RIGHT NOW."

RIGHT THE F**K NOW.

She forces herself into his room, then screams because oh look who came in first.

"... she basically threw herself on me and I've never put my dick
into anything so I couldn't say no."

I continue to have so many questions.

Amaya feels this is unacceptable and that she's gonna go to the Principal about this despite her having already okayed this. And then the door bursts open because y'know OPEN DOOR POLICIES IN JAPAN.

ALSO? YET. MORE. PANTSU.

Oh and this is a 'three person room' so I guess SHE IS LIVING IN HERE TOO FOR SOME INCREDIBLY CONVENIENT AND TOTALLY NOT UTTERLY CONTRIVED REASON. THANKS ANIME YOU ARE THE BEST.

YEP NOPE I GOT NO QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS
AT ALL WHATSOEVER NOPE WE GOOD.

ALSO DOUBLE PANTSU FOR THE UNDERSHOT CAMERA FOR NO GOOD REASON. WAIT THAT'S A LIE THE REASON IS OUR AUDIENCE REALLY LOVES PANTIES GOD I AM DUMB.

ALSO SHE HAS REASONS WHICH AMOUNT TO BEING REASONS. ALSO THE GUY IS NOT TO BLAME BECAUSE HE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.

Amaya storms out, adn the other girls are like "whatever more man meat for us."

OH BUT THEN. THE ROOM RUMBLES. BECAUSE IT CAN.

SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WITH THE PANTY OBSESSION HERE.

OH YEAH AMAYA IS STAYING HERE BECAUSE SHE SAYS SO AND HAS TO KEEP AN EYE. OH BUT HOW DO YOU SPLIT UP THREE BEDS? PUT THE GUY ON THE ROOF. ALSO CHILDHOOD FRIEND CLEARLY YOU ARE UP TO NO GOOD WOMAN.

This show. This f***ing show. Is going to break my goddamned
pantsu counter. I DID NOT THINK THIS POSSIBLE.

THEY MUST GET ALONG VERY WELL OR SOMETHING. BUT SHE'S ALL NO WE JUST WENT TO THE SAME DOJO AND I DO NOT WANT HIS PEEN AT ALL. ALSO MORE PANTSU. EVEN WHEN THE CAMERA ANGLES DON'T SUPPORT IT.

And every art teacher gazed upon this screencap and wept,
for there were no perspective guidelines to be followed.

OH BUT TINY GIRL IS HUNGRY SO THEY BETTER EAT AND COOK ALL THAT FOOD. ALSO THEY NEED TO NOT HAVE FOOD IN THE DORMS OR SOMETHING WHATEVER WHO CARES IT TURNS TO NIGHT AND THE EPISODE IS OVER. OR NOT. SOME GIRL SLEEPS IN A CHINESE DRESS OR SOMETHING.

Oh it's Amaya.

Also, why does their sleepwear reveal LESS than their school uniforms?

Also also guy is on the roof or supposed to be, so she lifts her massive boobs to check on him and is like "WHAT" and probably sees his peen or some shit and we get the f***ing title card finally.

Pretty sure the translation is off here, so I'm sticking to
Wikipedia for the official TL on this one.

OH LOOK AN ENDING THEME. HOW GREAT. It's thankfully boring as f**k. Chibi girls and inserts of girls wearing clothes and maybe doing things. It's J-pop, but decent J-pop at least. Add one Pantsu for the ending theme. Also show dude getting slapped by various girls for various reasons because harem show.

Also boring love song is boring but not annoying.

Wait you've hidden a WHAT.

Also sexy teachers should probably be a thing we prepare for. Then the song finally f***ing ends. With only one Pantsu the entire time.

... but who cares WHO WANTS TO SEE NAKED CHICKS SHOWERING? WELL GOOD BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR SITTING THROUGH THE ENTIRE ENDING THEME.

A NAKED GIRL SHOWERING WHO HAPPENS TO BE AMAYA. NIPPLES AND ALL. THIS IS YOUR REWARD FOR MAXIMUM PERVING.

She flashes back, OH LOOK MORE NAKED BOOBS, and while she showers some other girl humps dudebro's arm.

+1 Pantsu again. IT COUNTS.

Now we get the preview. It's a preview. But if you thought you saw a lot of pantsu THIS episode?

YOU CLEARLY KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW. NOTHING. BECAUSE THEY PROMISE THE SECOND EP WILL BE WORSE.

At the end of the episode, I look at the counter list. It is f***ing appalling. We have FIFTY-SIX INSTANCES OF PANTSU IN THE FIRST F***ING EPISODE. PLUS ONE FOR THE ENDING.

FIFTY. SIX.

That is more than an entire episode of Strike Witches. Which I will remind you, is a show, about girls, WHO DO NOT F***ING WEAR PANTS. As I recall, THE OPENING ALONE HAD TWENTY SOME INSTANCES OF PANTSU.

My brain cannot handle what this show had just done to me. No mortal should ever be subjected to this show. None. I'm calling it now. It's worse than f***ing Ikki Tousen. It's so much worse.

I'm going to curl into a ball and try to remember to breathe now. Because F**K THIS SHOW ALREADY.