Shimoneta Episode 03 - How to Love Someone

I continue to fight with my ISP regarding the whole 'getting Internet' thing. It seems that they think there is not a problem, when in fact there continues to be a problem. It's kind of puzzling that this is a thing. How can you not see that there is a problem? Why is it that you seem to think the reason our connection continues to drop off the face of your network that this is an issue with the number of devices connecting to your service? When this has never been a problem until recently?

Truly, I am baffled. Almost as much as I am baffled by the anime I've been watching. Or the fact that my recent choices of viewing are, somehow, pretty darned popular in these parts.

Or maybe the Google stats are lying to me, who knows?

I've rambled on far too long about this nonsensical bullshit. So let's get down to business. Maybe defeat some Huns in the process. I have been informed by a Certain Someone that I may, in fact, be very near to the end of this show already. That by the next episode, any desire to continue watching may, in fact, be broken like some... easily broken thing.

While I realize this is a challenge, I look back on some of the other shows this person has suggested, and I shudder. Because I fear they may be right.

Let's get this going.

Remember what happened last episode? Yeah well, in case you forgot, here's a reminder of the entire plot of the last episode in one handy screen capture.

I must admit, this here is one of the most expedient recaps
I have ever seen in anime. And it's in this show.

Clearly, the folks behind the editing process know what they are doing. Given that this is J.C. Staff, I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised by this. Though, I've found it's not solely J.C. at work here, but also Genco doing the producing of the show. They're partly responsible for such great shows as Azumanga Daioh! and Elfen Lied. On the other hand they're also similarly responsible for Sword Art Online. And Ikki Tousen.

Ikki f***ing Tousen.

Let's just say that me and that show? We have some serious history. So let the record show that I am seriously leery of what this show has left to offer.

Anyways, there's another boring meeting being held. Anna talks about the urine thing, how that was probably just a smoke screen, and the real target was the vision test being used to teach people 'forbidden things' or some shit. So it's time to speak with the resident 'expert' on these matters!

Truly, the insanity of this show cannot be overstated enough.

HEY DUDE. THEY WERE GONNA SPELL VAGINA BUT NEVER GOT TO THE LETTER A, DO YOU KNOW WHAT A VAGIN IS? OR WHAT THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN? OH YOU KNOW DON'T YOU I BET YOU DO YOU CLEVER BOY. THAT LADY WHO IS THE TERRORIST IS PUTTING YOU ON THE SPOT NOW SO YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD ANSWER FOR THE HUMAN ANATOMY BECAUSE GOD FORBID ANYONE SHOULD EVER KNOW WHAT THEIR PEE-ORAFICES ARE CALLED BECAUSE MAN GOING TO THE DOCTOR HAS GOT TO BE SUPER AWKWARD RIGHT?

But then Anna finishes the last 'letter', which is cymbal'd out only to awkwardly transition into some other sentence.

... yawn.

CUE THAT CRAPPY INTRO ABOUT DUDES SMASHING COMPUTER MONITORS AND BURNING MAGAZINES AND BLOWING UP POOLS BECAUSE POOLS ARE JUST LEWD AS F**K.

... oh god watching this intro is legitimately painful as an experience. I mean, it was pretty bad the first time, but having to watch this every single time the show starts? I legitimately have a difficult time coming up with things I'd rather be doing less.

Oh god, and the worst part is I think they are inserting new scenes into the intro. Or maybe I just failed to notice them the first time because my brain hurt that much the first time that I wound up blanking out some of that shit.

Either way, this intro alone is enough to make me want to stop watching the show. And I sat through all of Daimidaler. ALL OF IT. ALL THAT MADE ME WANT TO DO WAS CLAW OUT MY EYES. THIS MAKES ME WANT TO CURL INTO A BALL AND CRY MYSELF TO DEATH.

We get our title slide after the intro. It is boring and bland, not unlike the presentation of this show so far.

They could have made it less interesting, but that would
have actually taken more effort on their part.

Anna opens her locker and finds a note inside next to her bestie. What's the note say? Who knows! There's a gym assembly about some shitty art show winner or whatever. Remember that picture I said I liked? Yeah well the person who did that is getting honored.

Oh hell I now know exactly where this shit is going.

I think I may, in fact, wish to die now.

Tiny kid is a great artist but she takes the award and rips it up on the stage and is like "NOPE I SUCK I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS SHIT" and looks at mainbro with a knowing look and then everyone walks out and is like "what the f**k was that" and big guy is like "AT LEAST NO TURRISTS" and Anna is spacing out and shit and totally not because of that bullshit note or whatever.

So they are collecting chairs and crap and mainbro is like "yo is something up with Anna" and the black-haired girl is like "shut up or you die" so he shuts up.

Bell rings, some folks go to lunch or whatever I guess and he is busy brooding about how this shit has made that girl he totally has impure feelings about all in a bad mood or whatever. But hey, lapgirl shows up again in what I can only presume is recycled footage.

Frankly, who could ever tell the difference?

I'm tempted to call this girl Wriggle Nightbug. For reasons which I hope are abundantly clear and/or obvious. And if they're not, just look it up you non-weeb, I'm not gonna explain every stupid joke that crosses my damned mind. I have to contend with watching this shit.

Wallflower there is like 'wow I am oddly flustered by this
encounter between two strangers and have no idea why.'

Seriously, that girl back there is like 'PROTEIN?!' while wriggling around oddly. What. The. F**k.

Anyways, lapgirl wants to know what the deal is with urine and protein and pregnancy because a simple Google search IS SIMPLY BEYOND HER CLEARLY CAPABLE AND INQUISITIVE SCIENTIFIC MIND.

Say what you will about Nanny Police States and shit, but a tiny section of a tiny island nation cannot somehow ignore the rest of the world's Internet out there. Seriously, it can't. What's that? North Korea you say? NOPE THEY STUDY THAT SHIT ALL THE TIME YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.

... holy f**k I just pointed out that North Korea is somehow more sane than the world this takes place in WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON.

... NO SERIOUSLY. WHAT. THE F**K. IS GOING ON.

*raises hand* Teacher? I have a question. Several, actually.

OFF TO THE ART ROOM WITH YE.

I have oh so many questions right now.

Oh look here comes the blackmail about the thing from yesterday oh the noes WHAT NOW SON. He can't deny shit because she saw it all while painting and is super amused by this. So he asks what she wants, and her answer is simple. She wants him to help her with the art.

But then that other girl shows up, sees him chained up by a girl holding a candlestick, and she's like "OH NOES PERVERT."

Then goes running off and we find out the two black-haired girls know one another very well. But how do they know one another, exactly?

My Squick-o-Meter is looming dangerously close to
Tentacular Assault right now.

She wants his help with a 'romantic conquest'.

... oh boy.

That girl? Her 'rival'.

Oh no.

Then that big guy shows up because I guess he still likes to watch.

CLEARLY I AM PRACTICING THE BDSM DOMINATRIX
THING OR SOMETHING.

He then picks her up, and drags her off, much to her behest, and somehow this doesn't trigger any kind of alarm or anything. Despite that she could just cry lewd or something and the police would immediately descend upon him or some shit regardless of its truthiness? I mean is that not the thing that happened in the pilot episode? Eh f**k it, they don't care, why should I?

She claims to return someday, and then he's at the diner talking with teh girl about some shit and she somehow took a photo of the thing above and he's like 'dafuq' and then he gets served his dinner.

I understand this show less and less as it goes along.

Tiny girl just wants to get something from dude and she probably won't tell likely because she is at least as twisted if not more so than the girl who is already blackmailing him. Starting to sense a theme here.

By the way, the only reason tiny girl is on her radar is because art and lewd pics. Because, again, Google is a thing that simply doesn't exist. Just turn safe search off, something will happen dangit!

You are somehow assuming this is not tiny girl's plan all along.

She asks him how nice it would be to 'force knowledge' on a 'young girl' and tells him if he does this thing she'll put in a few good words with Anna etc etc same old kit and bag we've been hearing this whole time.  Which of course is enough to pique his inter-

... and like that, you lost me again.

Trust me. She's using the Engrish words 'campofile vorocano tents'.

I may need to begin seeking new pains to visit upon my face,
for it is already becoming numbed with the slamming
against the wall.

He denies having the hots for Anna, but we all know that's just dumb because he's been ragebonering over her since literally the first moment this show began.

And then he ate the noodle-spaghetti covered in paste-sauce.
Seriously, this isn't innuendo!

He then attempts to put on his best Obama impression by saying 'let me be clear'.

Yep. You have no intention of ever having children. *sigh*

...

At this point, halfway through the show, I may simply be reduced to just screencapping the relevant bits. Because I honestly don't know how much more my brain can handle at this point.

In fact, I'm beginning to repeat myself. That's not a good sign at this point.

... oh god damn it I DID IT AGAIN. QUICKLY LET US MOVE ALONG.

He insists that he looks up to her for being so pure etc etc. Even if he were simply a normal council member for her that was occasionally helpful that would be fine and that grosses out whatsherbutt.

Or any relationship in general really. I mean, seriously, these
things are public health concerns. How do you explain the
monthly bleeding to the girls??

... yes, yes it is. It is a normal thing, but it is totally something dirty
and claiming it isn't makes it that much less exciting.

She explains the concept of sex to him in a way that actually doesn't mention sex explicitly and I have to wonder HOW IS IT THAT PEOPLE DON'T LEARN THIS INFORMATION PRESENTED IN SUCH A MANNER? LIKE SERIOUSLY EVERYONE WAS BORN SOMEHOW AND I DOUBT QUITE SERIOUSLY THAT IT WAS VIA TEST TUBES.

Her argument is that because sex is a pretty important thing, dirty jokes are the greatest thing in the world.

*sigh*

But then she's like 'okay enough joking' and he's like 'so what's up with Anna?' and we cut to Anna getting more crazy shit in her locker.

Legit crazy shit, mind you. SUPER legit crazy.

Obviously, this is distressing to everyone. And is actually the most interesting plot twist this show could possibly have taken at this point. Of course, I suddenly get the feeling I may know where this is going, and that disturbs me slightly. That's So Raven is like 'yeah bro look nothing you can do focus on art girl right now' and Taco boy is understandably concerned that the person he idolizes so much is basically being harassed by some stalker creeping her the f**k out. It's kind of a bad situation for everyone.

Okay show. You have my attention. Let's see where you go with this suddenly serious twist that makes total sense, all things considered. Do try not to squander this opportunity.

If he focuses on the art girl, she can focus on the Anna thing, and he's like 'huh, you almost sound like an actual concerned friend', and she gives him a little bit of backstory. Ten years ago, when her dad went f***ing nuts and shit, she had basically become withdrawn at no longer being able to express herself, But then Anna came along, and helped her be able to blend in with society and basically be not an outwardly terrible person. Just inwardly.

She then immediately ruins the touching moment with this
incredibly shitty pun. Dadjokes are at least funny.

BUT YES DEAL WITH THE ARTGIRL. I WILL DEAL WITH THE ANNA.

Next day, Taco and Artgirl are out eating at that usual diner place, and she is devouring plate after plate of steak or whatever. He asked for the deets, and she's like 'oh uh yeah I didn't actually think any of this through' and he's like 'okay fine who is the target of your affections?' and she's like 'uhhhhhhhhhhhhh'.

So she can't reveal her intended person, and is worrying that she 'might be making them uncomfortable' and that they might 'hate' her and this thought keeps her up at night.

She asks him what's so funny and to wipe that damn grin off his face when he's just sitting there with a blank-ass stare on his face and then she starts trying to choke him because she is an artist and as such totally insecure.

... yep, not winning any points with me here.

OH GEE WOULDN'T IT JUST BE FUNNY IF IT WAS
THE SAME PERSON. OH WAIT IT PROBABLY IS.

She comes up with the brilliant idea. They'll confess the names at the same time. So they do it. Or rather, his phone rings and she blurts out that it's Anna.

Yep. Well, glad you enjoyed that thirty seconds where the show was good because it's all shit rolling downhill from here folks.

She gets mad, he's like "DUDE I GOT THIS IMPORTANT EMAIL SEE' and shows her the email that was so important he forgot to say Anna's name for a change.

Yep, that was super important to send.

BUT NOW HE MUST SAY THE NAME OF THE PERSON HE LIKES BECAUSE OTHERWISE BLACKMAIL.

OH BUT WAIT. HE CANNOT SAY HE LIKES THE SAME PERSON AS SHE DOES BECAUSE BOY THAT WOULD JUST BE SUPES AWKWARD SO WHAT DO? QUICK DUDE THINK. FIRST NAME THAT COMES TO MIND.

Oh right, that one girl who blackmailed you first THAT IS A BRILLIANT COVER.

This puts Tiny Artgirl at ease and is like "pffft loser". Which makes her plan super simple, she just needs to get that other girl off the council so she can move in and BAM PROBLEMS SOLVED. But he's like 'yo so I'm undermining Anna I mean are you okay with this like seriously doesn't that cause issues for you?' and she's like just 'bitch please'.

Her reasoning? ANNA LOVES TO CHASE DEM TURRISTS. So it's all good. Also she totally wants in so stuff. PROBLEMS. SOLVED. NEXT SCENE.

AWKWARD MEETING WHERE ANNA IS TOTALLY JUST NOT INTO THINGS. BECAUSE HER STALKER IS A CRAZED, TINY LITTLE GIRL WHO HAS A SERIOUS CASE OF NOTICE ME SEMPAI.

Cue the overreactions of Anna knocking over an empty water bottle and the guys being like 'oh god can this show please be over already?'

Bear-face isn't even sure why he's in this show to begin with.

Then he blames the whole stalking thing on Taco Tuesday and Anna is like "dude, seriously, shut up" and he keeps getting all uppity and shows the photos which kind of scares dude a bit and Anna insists that she knows dude cannot be the culprit, because he isn't that kind of guy.

Which is, admittedly, a little touching, even if I am sure her logic is somewhat flawed. But Anna does state that the situation 'will be resolved soon' and I would have to guess that it probably has nothing to do with a hired hit squad to take out the perpetrator. Seriously, a girl that loaded, one word to her mom and people would straight up vanish. She did kind of make that whole system thing after all.

Cut to the rooftop where there are clouds in the sky and crazy bitch-tits is like "so yeah Bear Grylls totally has a thing for Anna". AS IF EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW DIDN'T. But it's because of those feelings he hasn't admitted that he's being such a prick to Taco-boy there. And the whole stalker thing is just making it worse.

Such a valuable use of your timer, yep. It's not even funny.
Hell, it's not even worth a groan.

He gets upset again asking why she can't go five f***ing minutes without saying stupid shit and she wastes yet more of that precious time that lasts for f***ing ever.

Seriously you see the numbers counting down there.

She goes on with the whole Bear thing and how he weathered this better than others and how this ban made it almost impossible for folks to express how to love due to censorship. Which, yes, is an actual problem. We get that. She says the larger problem is that with this new system people aren't even aware they feel love, or that love is a thing that exists. Which is kind of crazy when you consider how much Japan enjoys that whole 'love' thing.

Oh and then he totally spills the beans about the whole Artgirl thing.

Causing her to roll on the ground screaming genitalia so loudly
they could hear her in Hokkaido.

No f***ing shit.

I don't even have the energy left. I don't know what a cherry boy
is, but I don't even care at this point. Please just end it.

She starts freaking out because if this whole thing gets screwed up she'll never have a dirty artist, and he's like 'yo bitchtits calm down'.

I'm not sure it can be stated how much this hurts to watch.

But dude is like 'yeah I don't think she's the stalker' and his defense of her boils down to 'I just don't think she's the stalker'. Brilliant work Hercule Poirot, case closed looks like we're done here folks.

She tries to say trusting your 'instincts' is just like your libido or something, and she's like 'just go with your gut man I mean serious' and... that's it.

Taco's ironclad, brilliant defense of "I don't think she did it" is enough to convince her and so she comes up with a totally foolproof plan to smoke out the real stalker and get the girl to do naughty arts.

I seriously just... please let this end.

Back to the council room.

... do they ever spend any time in their classes? Is this what being on the student council is like? I thought it was all just meeting like once a week not the entire f***ing school day.

Anyways we hear her brilliant plan.

I'm not sure I can take much more. I'm too exhausted to keep
dealing, and yet... I'm so close to the end.

The bear is, of course, against this and is like 'yo let me be the date' and she's like "bitch please you ain't ever been on no date and besides the stalker wouldn't do anything if it was you". So he gets to tail them, and other dude gets to also follow them for reasons.

Cut to the ne-

.....

She is shaving something. I know this. Legs? Crotch? Full Brazilian? I don't know. But this is a thing that's happening.

What the f**k is going on in this show anymore?

I don't know if anything exists that could restore whatever
faith I had in humanity before I started watching this shit.

Turns out, dude is gonna look like a lady. Cue Aerosmith. And cut to 'several days later'.

I should not be watching this show and Maken-Ki! at the same time.

Off they are to follow the date where boys are girls and girls are boys and people look happy. Oh but then someone starts to have a massive ladyboner attack or something.

I'm sure she'll be fine. By which I mean totally psychotic.

She freaks out and begins feverishly sketching Anna and then getting super defensive when he sees what she drew in like 0.3 seconds. She then freaks out some more when he says she's pretty good, and she's like "I CAN ONLY DRAW THE PURTY PICTARS OF ANNA" and I guess that seals the deal that she is not, in fact, the stalker after all. Oh well.

We now get Artgirl's sob story where she never got an actual model until now because censorship I guess. All that shit was from her mind and people were like 'ooh amazing' but Anna is a person that she really really wanted to paint. Yet despite many, many attempts she was never able to quite capture the image she was looking for. I can relate to this. It was driving her nuts and she thought maybe if they fell in love she'd finally get what was missing. Only problem is, she can't really deal with people, as you MAY HAVE NOTICED DURING THIS ENTIRE EPISODE.

Oh but then Bear dude shows up and is like "THE HELL ARTGIRL GET THE F**K OUT OF HERE AND WIN SOME ART SHOWS OR SOME SHIT" and then. Then?

THEN we cue the Aerosmith.

And he's like 'uh, but you're...' and then we hear those sweet guitar riffs we are so used to. I mean, they do the anime sparkle shit and he's like 'THE HELL IS THIS SHIT WHY IS MY BONER SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW'.

But before he can commit any serious acts of violence upon another human being the fat ugly photo dude shows up and runs at Anna with a rock.

Okay sure yay whatever.

Everyone jumps into action, and the other resident trap dodges and kicks a dude in the grundle, and when Anna asks if he's okay...

Yeah, he's not okay. In fact he's probably hospitalized now.

But now everyone runs onto the scene and then more dudes with rocks just literally come leaping out of the bushes.

.... okay. This is happening I guess.

Tiny art girl leaps onto a dude's leg, he kicks her like some tiny dog, and then bear dude gets a face full of tiny girl snatch.

No. NO. NO. YOU DO NOT GET TO QUOTE GURREN LAGANN.

Then taco-kid shows up, slugs a dude in the face, wonders who he's really rushing in to save and is about to get clobbered by a rock but anime bullet time kicks in and he gets his ass saved by our resident tsundere who has no idea what being crude really means.

Though, the rock still pegs dude in the back of the head, making his wig fly off as he tumbles straight for Anna, landing directly on top of her.

Oh no look out the PC Police are already on their way.

He immediately tries to get up and run away, but then blood rushes down his forehead and he collapses instead, and Anna... uh.

She. She uh.

UHHHHHHHH.

Oh *F**K* NO.

AND THAT IS WHERE THIS EPISODE ENDS.

OH GOD NO. I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH THE NEXT EPISODE ANYMORE. NO NO NO. FIVE FLAVORS OF NOPE. I WISH TO DEVOUR AN ENTIRE NOPE SUNDAE TOPPED WITH NOPE AND SERVED WITH A HEALTHY HEAPING OF NUH-UH, WASHED DOWN WITH A GENEROUS HELPING OF NEIN.

BUT I AM GOING TO ANYWAYS. AND I WILL LIKELY REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

F**K ME SIDEWAYS THIS IS GOING TO END HORRIBLY.