Astarotte no Omocha Episode 01 - The Exclamation of Our Meeting

Today, I decided to try a different sort of show. Something different. It was pitched to me as, well, frankly a pretty bad show. In fact, some of my friends have even attempted to dissuade me from watching it. Even after doing a quick glance over at Wikipedia, I could not be deterred. Attempts to keep me from watching it generally boiled down to something like this:

Friend: Don't watch it, you will regret it.

Me: Why?

Friend: It's bad.

Me: Is it worse than KnJ?

Friend: .... no but it's stil-

Me: THEN I CAN TAKE IT. BRING IT ON.

Nothing. Nothing is worse than f***ing Kodomo no Jikan. This show is about a 10-year old succubus who is coming of age. And it still cannot be worse than KnJ.

Such a thing is simply not possible.

I've been informed that this may be a good show to utilize a Pantsu Counter on. So what the hell, let's give it a shot. The show opens innocently enough. Peaceful music, and impossibly giant tree, with leaves blowing about, and some people standing next to a little girl sitting at a table in the middle of nowhere. Innocent enough. Looks like she's having tea or something, and has a cute little demon heart tail thing, and then some bitch riding a dragon comes in and interrupts everything, while screaming "Princess Astarotte!"

The first thing that comes to mind is, god damn this is Disgaea as hell. The colors, the character designs, hell even the dragon looks straight out of Disgaea. Did this show get made by Nippon Ichi or something? A quick return to Wikipedia informs me that this show was brought to us by the same people that gave us Bokurano. You've been Bokurano, right? No? Well, spoiler alert: people die in that show. In pretty terrible ways. Also, if you're a fan of love stories like Evangelion, you might be turned away by Bokurano's incredibly thick atmosphere of depression, death, and depravity. On the other hand, they had a bitchin' theme song.

But back to this show. So Lotte, can I call her Lotte? I'm just gonna call her Lotte, screw it. Also, 55 seconds in and we begin the Pantsu counter, which for this show is "any time you see an unnecessary panty shot" which for this show is pretty much any time. Y'know, since pants are most likely an actual thing that exist in this universe, regardless of gender.

So dragon lady cuts her off, saying that it is time to continue her studies. Also, she is wearing those tiny little glasses which totally indicate that she is all super serious business all up in here, despite her heart-shaped hair clip. She needs to pretend to have soft feelings, after all.

I'm never getting over how much this reminds me of Disgaea.

So Lotte goes to declare how much she hates... men? But in the process of that, the dragon gets some flowers up its nostrils, and accidentally drops a fireball on her. Oops. Hope she wasn't anyone important or anything.

I get the feeling this is all your guys' fault.

It doesn't take long before the entire screen is engulfed in flame, and they pan away to show us that they've been partying under the Christmas Tree of Might.

Look Goku, isn't that just the most perfect tree ever?

I guess it's time to end that sequence with happy music and comical noises and lead into the OP, which seems to be full of lots of flowers and little girls hugging for some reason. Lots of characters with short hair, and a couple token chicks with huge knockers, as well as some dudes who might as well be secondary characters at best in any given NiS title.

You know what amazes me most about this show however? Not a single pantsu shot at all during the opening. Not a one. Which allows for a sense of dread to start creeping in. Just what kind of terrible show is this, to look so very promising from the onset?

As a note: Promising in this case means that this show looks to be mediocre/amusing at best. It means that it is not, in fact, the completely abhorrent show I was led to believe it would be, and as such should be commended for not managing to be complete shit.

But really, this show doesn't seem so bad yet. Animation's good. Character designs are passable, and the artwork is okay. Music is catchy enough, for this kind of show. So what's the big deal...?

Well, for one, they immediately go into a hot spring scene once the OP is done. So I guess there's my answer. Or maybe it's just a bath scene, I don't know. It involves everyone being naked and either covered by towels or in a pool, so I guess there's that... except for the extreme close-up of Lotte's ass, but they're focusing on the character in the middle, so I suppose that is forgiveable, since it's actually so close to the camera it is almost impossible to tell what's going on. And Lotte is busy complaining about how she was almost burnt to a crisp and none of this was totally her fault at all.

Oh, and we get to learn that glasses chick is called Judit. Not to be confused with Judith, of course. This is Japan. Also, this whole thing would totally be her fault, since she came flying in on a dragon that torched a mountain or something.

And then the show took an immediate dive to the bottom
of an empty pool. In the deep end.

Oh, and it's time to continue her education. For being a succubus. While we get a face full of Judit's completely bare butt. Twice. So now, since little Lotte is the daughter of some important people in Alfheim, it's up to her to tell the audience what a succubus actually is. As if we didn't somehow already know.

Succubi are an ancient race that can pass along all of their power to their offspring. Also one of the few that can use magic I guess. So basically, every generation gets more and more powerful, because there is zero power loss. Now... there's a lot of things wrong with that, but let's face it. This is Lotte. Trying to analyze their mystical gobbledygook is like trying to play art critic to the side of a milk carton. POINTLESS. Also, cue the hot naked backside of a succubus.

What are you, Norse?

Then Lotte pretends she totally answered that question (even though she couldn't answer it), and then her tail conveniently obscures Judit's chest while she gets water dumped over her head. And of course, as soon as she lowers said tail, Judit crosses her arms just in time. Phew. Glad this show is family friendly.

Anyhow, there's one very important thing about being a succubus. A thing that they must do to live once their body 'reaches adulthood'. Like a vampire needs blood, Succubi also need to absorb... life. Yeah. Life. Oh boy.

Cue the facepalm.jpg.

Then the next character is introduced. Q. No, not that smarmy-looking fella from Star Trek. Some chick with short black hair and closed eyes. She seems pretty flustered to be doing anything, and reminds me a little of K-On. Oh god they are spreading the pool of shows they are stealing from aren't they.

.... what the flying f**k?

Apparently this is the 'saying of the month', and if you're feeling lost already, don't feel bad, because I'm watching this and I don't even know what the hell they're talking about at this point. Even though I'm sure I get what they're trying to say.

... I'm beginning to suspect Judit is just a terrible teacher.

To translate all of this shit, which is casually summarized immediately following the confusing tidal wave of shit: If something strange happens, "she won't be able to suck any men, let alone their Sauzfryma, the seed of children."

They're telling a ten-year-old she needs to suck cock. And swallow. It's no wonder she has an intense dislike of men already.

TL? You are the best right now.

Oh, and to make this even worse? We switch to a worm's-eye view of a man sitting down in a little private hot tub. Naked. Not that we see any dangly bits, but they are seriously implied... and this dude is old. Old and fugly. I think he's the butler. Oh god. Oh sweet merciful christ.

He sees that little scroll thing Judit made up, and it forces him to come up with a haiku:

"When you force someone to make a harem, the harem will not be made."

It made more sense in Japanese as a Haiku, admittedly. Also, his name is Olaf. This show is suddenly Norse as f**k. Then Lotte goes down a slide and sticks her ass in the air like she just don't care while telling the world how much she hates men. Also, just how shameful sucking dick must be, and how she's never gonna do it. Which is kind of a problem since she'll need to do that to live?

These aren't even euphemisms.

Oh, and her mom? She's got a harem of over three thousand men.

Vyers, is that you?

Her harem consists of lots of people from various races. All of which look to be just like people. Only with different ears. Or occasionally, a tail. Possibly an arm protruding out of their chest, from the looks of the Dvergur. Which makes me think of Duergar, which is straight out of Forgotten Realms... oh god. I'm doing that thing where everywhere I look, I see D&D. Ironically? Succubi there pretty much exist only to suck cock too. Funny how that works out.

Anyone, once upon a time, she also had a human. Man, humans.

They're exactly like us. Except with different ears. Wait...

Humans are the things of fairy tales. They have long necks, are covered in fur, and walk around on four legs. Wait... no, no we don't. I think they're getting a lot of things confused here. But nobody has seen a human for a thousand years, and Lotte gets a great idea. She will make a harem. Filled with human males! Yes, that is the most ingenious idea ever. It is even punctuated with her tail shooting straight up into the air.

One small problem: There aren't any humans at all. Which is such a shame, which makes Lotte laugh because she has won. And finally the bath scene ends. Jesus, that lasted a full six minutes. That's a third of the viewing time!

Oh, and that giant tree at the start? Guess that's the World Tree. It's connected to... well, worlds. Duh. But hey, that thing hasn't worked in over a thousand years. Coincidentally, that's also the last time anyone saw a human. Also, the tree? It's called Yggdrasil. Norse-ish-ness confirmed. Alfheim and Midgard (our world) haven't been connected ever since. There's no way Judit could figure out how to open it, so her plan to starve to death is totally foolproof. Totally. Until fix seconds later when the world rotates around and she finds out Judit went to the World Tree.

Gee, it would be a shame if she got that gate working. So it's off to the World Tree they go, complete with lots of panning. Lots. Over at said tree, Judit is reading books aloud, because she totally knows people are listening in, I mean it's not like one normally reads books out loud because that is really an inefficient way to retain information. If there was any doubt that this series relies pretty heavily on Nordic mythology... well, there's a "Battle of the Gods" that closed the path to the other worlds. You know what they call that in Nordic mythology? Ragnarok. Yeah, that was a pretty cool thing. (Everybody died.)

But if the gate opened back then, surely magic can make it work again. So off Lotte and some other girl go on a  dragon, and then Judit says a bunch of names and wears a stupid bracelet, and the tree gets even more glowy, if such a thing were possible, and it fails to work. Then Lotte flies in, and the dragon goes crashing, exactly the same way it did at the start of the show. Oh, and we learn dragon riding chick is named Zelda.

Her name is Zelda. Yeah. We're moving on now.

Anyway, Lotte goes falling into the tree after flying off the beast, and seems to fall ever so slowly into a giant glowy portal, and the tree lights up and the gate opens. Gee, it's like a Christmas miracle all up in here. Enter trippy flower petal land. Then Lotte resumes falling at normal speed and Judit is all "oh no!" and dives after her, sending them both into the gate. Commercial break.

Then when we return, Lotte wakes up and notices that the tree has turned to a stump, Judit has vanished, and uh, weird things are occurring. Then a glowy light appears and everything is back to nromal. Tada. Except Judit is still gone. What a shame, and you hated her so very much. Dramatic music, and the princess calls an emergency meeting: Judit has gone to another world. Which is bad because no one knows where it might lead. Might even go to the land of the dead. Oh noes.

Zelda is tasked with gathering all the weapons in the house. Olaf? You're in charge of getting people. Strong ones preferably. They're gonna mount a rescue mission, and save her oh-so-hated instructor. Because it's the right thing to do I guess?

Meanwhile, Judit is kind of wondering what is up and why she is under a tree that isn't glowing. Then Lotte puts on some armor. Being only 10, that is probably a horrible idea. Back to Judit, she looks behind her and wonders if she's in Midgard. Nope, just Tokyo, most likely.

Oh, and Zelda returns with only a few things because Judit has the key to the armory. Which was probably not a very good idea to begin with. The weapons include: bondage gear. Which was found in Judit's room.

The real question here is... who was she planning to whip?

Then Olaf shows up all in armor and shit like a boss, until his helmet somehow turns around. Oh comedy.

Then Judit proceeds to phase two of her brilliant plan: To find a human male. She wanders over to the first house she sees, which earns her a child's foot to the face.

She can take it, she's into bondage.

Judit also gets a face full of little girl snatch, and she is helped by what must be the one male in the show for the harem. He grabs Judit's hand and her bracelet glows mysteriously. Then there's rice on his face and the situation just gets even more awkward. Don't worry, it gets worse, because he's off to a job interview.

The correct answer to this question is NO.

But hey, she offers him 50k, monthly! But that really equals $500 a month. Not exactly stellar, that.

Back at the tree, no one can get the gate opened again, but Lotte doesn't want to give up. Then her tail touches the tree and glows, and she remembers things that Judit said earlier, and she's all "oh hey, I hear her talking" and asks for her to come back, and turns around to cry out her name. Then the gate opens, and mystical fantastic land opens its gates again, and suddenly a hand reaches through. Cue the tearful reunion as she goes diving towards the light, and through the gate. Into the chest of a dude that is totally not Judit.

Also cue her turning red and screaming. The end.

The ED is fairly uninspired. Just the old static image of the protagonist's silhouette (and others) standing in the wind to different background plates. At least there's no aggravating pantsu. Speaking of, pantsu count for this show: 5. Not so bad, that's like, the norm for shows anymore. So all things considered... this could have been a lot worse.

Although the fact that they pretty much tell a little girl her future is sucking dicks is pretty grim.

Just sayin'.