Sailor Moon R Episode 11 - Be Careful After School! Usagi is a Target

You know, I'm conflicted here. Because despite the fact that this show has some of the worst alien invaders this side of Plan 9 From Outer Space, or anything from MST3K for that matter, I can't help but feel that I'm enjoying myself. Just a little bit. That doesn't make this show too much better I suppose, because everyone involved is still a really, truly, terrible person. Plus the monster designs still pretty much suck. And character development? There's no such thing.

Maybe it suffers from a case of being so bad, it's actually enjoyable. I mean, it's at the point where its kind of like a game trying to figure out just how bad a thing will get before they actually go there, and finding out if you were right on the money or, god forbid, somehow nowhere close to how bad it actually turns out. It's like a demolition derby: Yeah, they call it a race but the only reason anyone shows up is because they want to see a bunch of cars get f***ing trashed to hell.

So yeah. I just compared Sailor Moon to trashed car races. What now?

I'm just gonna put this out here now: This might be the sleep deprivation starting to kick in at this point, but I'm fully expecting this show to make me laugh out loud. Because it's just... it's so damned campy, and I still can't tell if it's trying to take itself seriously or not. It pretends to want to, but can't get past the ten year old plots that generally make zero sense, even in their own context. It is as formulaic as it can possibly get: stuff happens because plot dictates a thing must happen, and everyone scrambles around to try and fulfill the roles presented, even if it make absolutely no sense for their established character.

Yes, Ami, I'm lookin' at you, you stupid smart person. One episode she can establish a pattern based on a singular event, the next she can't make sense of a clear pattern put right in front of her face. I mean really.

No, I am not gonna let that one go. Not anytime soon, at any rate.

So today's episode overview: En and Usagi get after class detention, Usagi sticks a pencil up En's nose, and then some bee-looking lady with horns attacks.

Oh, and just as a warning: Today's actual episode begins with a seizure-inducing series of flashes, because Japan hates epileptics. Also, it begins with Sailor Moon twirling her little wand around because why not just skip all the action, and get right to her wrapping up kicking something's ass. Oh, turns out they're actually just replaying the last thirty seconds of the previous episode for no reason, only to give us the title slide afterwards.

Anybody else getting the feeling this is a filler episode? For a filler arc? How sad is it that you need to pad your padding? That's just... that's not just incredibly lazy, that is actually pathetically and tragically hilarious. Because giving us filler episodes wasn't bad enough... you had to squeeze something out as quickly as possible, and in order to save yourself time, you just literally re-use the end of the last episode in the vain attempts to pretend this is just part of a sequence of events. When really, you're just stalling for time.

You ever get that feeling you're just watching the same thing, over and over again? No? Oh, good, it's just me then.

Yeah because that never happens to you guys ever.

So Ami, Usagi, and Mako are late for school. Usagi runs into class during the bell, steps in a bucket, and faceplants into the supply cabinet, which somehow manages to fall directly on her. Despite being in a corner.

Seriously, how is this even physically possible?!

Much to everybody's amazement, she doesn't get yelled at by her teacher. In fact, she's rather nice, and simply says "please be more quiet when you come in". Five seconds later, we find out she's about to have a date. Except her date cancels. Probably because he found out what a crazy bitch she actually is. I am absolutely certain this will have absolutely no ramifications on the student body at all.

Oh who am I kidding. She's totally going to flip the hell out and force certain folks to stay. We know that from watching the intro. Pretending otherwise is just asinine.

Lunch rolls around and Usagi is hungry and En is all running low on energy, and their teacher comes back in. Maybe it isn't lunch time yet after all.

That dude in the middle. His face. Hehe.

So they start doing the English thing, and she wants them to translate a line about a pretty girl being on the moon once upon a time. Oh ha ha, very clever jerks. Unfortunately, Usagi is too busy stuffing her face at the time, which translates to detention. En is so drained of energy she... no, she's just being... oh for f**k's sake.

You really aren't even trying anymore.

She also gets detention, not that she seems to give a shit. You know who does? Her brother.

Yes, straight up telling people you're aliens could
totally be a thing that just 'happens'.

Also, now Ali is the one taking the initiative on things, because I guess En just flat out doesn't give a damn anymore for some reason. So it's all up to him to carry out their brilliant plans of world domination. Which seem to be going really well, considering they have yet to bring the city of Tokyo down to their knees yet. I mean really, how hard could it actually be?

No, pretty sure it's your fault you decided to tell
the class you're from another planet.

Of course, he still leaves it up to her to pick a Cardian, but before she can, Usagi comes along to drag her new best friend off to detention. While the brother is busy pitching a tent in his pants over how 'adorable' Usagi is. Now he's more concerned with winning Usagi's heart than he is with making sure they have enough energy to eat in the morning. It's a thing that continues to happen I guess.

Meanwhile over in the park, Mina got fat and tells the others about Usagi staying after school.

Seriously, you could land a 747 on those shoulders.

The cats feel sorry, Rei is angry, and Mako is indifferent. So you know what that means? Time to go see a movie, no matter what the cats might have to say. Mina literally just stuffs them into that little orange bag of hers, and off they go to see a movie, because screw everyone else.

Over in detention, it only takes a few moments before the girls get left alone, because their teacher is getting another booty call at work. Seriously, how many personal calls does this lady get in a day? Can she come see him now? Oh well sure, why not, forget the fact I have students in my classroom, she's out to go get some.

Eventually, Usagi gets tired of waiting around and decides to up and leave, hoping she can catch Mamoru on his way home. Sweet, sweet Mams. Of course, En takes offense to this for whatever reason, and Usagi is all "but I luuuurve him we are destined and bound by the red string of fate". Which prompts En to cut said string. Although, hold on. They are warping reality around them. The whole Red String thing is just an illusion, yet she picks up a real pair of scissors to cut the string, which just strikes me as being pretty f***ed up to begin with. It doesn't take long for them to get all up in each other's faces about this, of course.

So En, being the incredibly ingenious person she is, decides to challenge her to a 'game'. The game in question? Finding out who can finish the questions on a page of paper first.

... you know, for a girl who two episodes ago was clearly uninterested in the man they are arguing over because he was taking care of a baby that she was trying to eat? She is still really wound up over him for some reason I just can't comprehend. You either give up on the guy, or you keep going on about it... you can't do both.

So whoever loses has to give up on Mamoru. This is the stupidest contest I've ever heard of...

Anyhow, Ali shows up on top of a building and summons Cardian Amanju, playing his stupid little flute.

This is clearly an inspired piece right here.

They pad the sequence out as long as possible with still shots and barely-animated sequences, of course.

Totally inspired.

Ali's plan: STEAL ALL THE ENERGY OF EVERYONE IN TOWN. Oh but wait! He sees Mamoru walking around, so he amneds this plan: KILL THAT GUY AND STEAL ALL THE ENERGY YOU CAN. Pfft, but she doesn't even listen to him, just jumps off his head and wanders off. Then the Doom Tree is all darkening up again, and En is losing focus because she has no energy. Aw, how tragic. Oh wait, Usagi is a person and she could totally steal energy from her.  What a brilliant plan! Whyever did she not think of that before. She can also kill her and make Mamoru all hers.

Gee, sounds exactly like the same thing her twin wanted. Also, finally the commercial break.

Upon our return, Ami is busy at cram school not being animated at all, until the monster plows through the chalkboard and starts soaking up energy, then dashing out.

Wait, let me get this straight. You plow through a god damned wall. Grab two people, absorb their energy... and then jump out the window? Why not just, I dunno, do that thing you were told to do and suck the whole class dry? It's not like anyone could actually challenge you right? But Ami decides to get hold of the other girls in the movie theater, so they leave their movie, despite Rei's insistence that it was just getting good.

Oh, and remember Allan? That guy Mina was totally in love with? Yeah he was in the movie. That you get to see like two seconds of. Glad you guys pointed that out for us!

Meanwhile, Usagi seems to keep terrifying En, who for whatever reason still wants to hide the fact that she is an alien... and somehow still being intimidated by a poor defenseless idiot. She fails to grab Usagi and plows her desk over, and claims she was "just exercising". During a contest. About answering questions.

... yeah no.

Then there's crows cawing, and Amanju is playing around in a park, not listening to anything that Ali has to say. Which is impossible! Back in the classroom, Usagi is still doing her thing, and En is still trying to absorb her energy, and gets a pencil up her nose for trying.

No, you're just incapable of touching another person.

At this point, Usagi wonders what happened to their teacher. Who is currently walking around with some dude in the park, asking herself stupid questions.

Your soul? Oh wait you're a ginger never mind.

But of course, she gets attacked two seconds later by Aman, and Ali is like "I don't care who you get it from steal energy from the humans." So what's she do? Jumps into the lake and starts absorbing duck life force.

You look way to happy that your monster is sucking ducks.

Now is the perfect time for the Sailor Scouts to show up and foil his plans. Shame Sailor Moon isn't there. Instead of attacking them though, it just kinda jumps off his head again and flies off, leaving everyone standing there.

And now it is night time and the two girls are still at school. One would have thought that the principal would have made them go home by now? I mean he only saw them in the room and all. Or hell, a janitor at least.

Usagi is only one question away from winning, but En is nowhere near done. Then Usagi offers to help her out some way. Any way. Which makes En think of... the Tortoise and the Hare? Really? So she decides to take Usagi up on her offer: Close your eyes for ten seconds and stay very still.

Then she starts absorbing her energy away, and the monster blows through the building for... no reason at all. Ali shows up, and the siblings begin communicating via... electric wire?

Wait, you've had this power all along and never used it?!

So they vanish, and Usagi sees the other girls cornering this monster, and hey maybe she should do something. The girls all attack the monster with static images of their attacks just narrowly missing the monster, followed by their full attack animations.

Oh, and then the Doom Tree does a glowy thing, and the cats are all "oh no, the girls are being overwhelmed?" Meanwhile on the roof, the twins are all "oh hey is this thing listening to us now?" But there's no way it would ignore their orders. Ever. Then you get to see the same two second animation of the monster pummeling all the girls (who are completely frozen or something), and Luna tells Usagi to transform. The blonde wonder also takes this time to realize oh hey, that other girl is gone, gee wonder whatever happened to her.

So you know what this means? It's time for a full transformation sequence. Because there hasn't been enough episode padding already. I'm pretty sure they've spent about five minutes of this episode utilizing stock footage and re-using sequences from last episode.

Sailor Moon jumps down and almost falls over, but can't focus because her energy got swiped. Not that she recognizes this, of course. All of this so that she could be throat-grabbed by the monster who is then forced to drop her because of a WHITE FRIGGIN' ROSE. Wow, talk about a plot twist.

Wow dude, that's like, so deep.

Then the girls are all "oh hey it's him" and then? Then? THE SCEPTER SEQUENCE. AGAIN. BECAUSE STARTING THE EPISODE OFF WITH THAT. WAS. NOT. ENOUGH. SO THEY MUST SHOW IT TO US AGAIN. Monster gets cleansed, card falls, turns black and smokes, girls go 'yay', and the dude vanishes into nothing.

Oh, and then Sailor Moon goes back to class. Despite it being totally late at night, of course. Oh, and the villains are left wondering how they could have possibly messed this up.

Pretty sure that would insinuate you put any effort
into this to begin with.

Then En goes back to the classroom, because that's just how she rolls, and Ali is wondering if something is going on.

Usagi finishes her quiz, incidentally at the exact same time as her opponent. Gee. Oh, and then Usagi's friends show up to take her home, and they decide to call it a draw on the whole Mamoru issue. Then the Doom Tree glows some more and the episode is over.

I know these guys are just stalling but... my god. When you have to stretch the filler like this out with more filler? That's like adding more water to the canned soup in order to make the soup bigger. All it does is just makes it taste even more like shit.

Which pretty much sums up this entire episode.