Astarotte no Omocha Episode 02 - The First Semicolon

It is entirely possible you were expecting some other post today. Sailor Moon, perhaps? But no, such is not the case. Why did I choose to revisit Lotte so soon?

Well, it's because I think I've been hornswaggled, that's why. Duped. Redirected to that damnable left (or was it right?) turn at Albuquerque. I spent so much time completely dumbstruck and distracted by the pretty animations that somehow, I entirely missed the whole point of this entire show. It's horror didn't really settle in until last night, as I lay in bed to sleep.

This is a show about teaching a ten year old girl to suck cock. Forget everything else. Forget that she is a succubus (laughable enough). Forget that she's a princess (which only serves to make this WORSE). Let's just ignore the fact that there's enough Norse mythology crammed into this show to choke the Leviathan. All of this? Unimportant. Because the sole purpose of this show, no matter what else happens, the number one plot device that drives this entire show... is to teach a little girl the importance of fellatio.

If that's not sexist as f**k then I don't know what is.

Okay. Now that we have established that this show is actually really good at trying to distract you from the fact that it's core plot is utterly reprehensible, let's dive in and see just what it has in store for us today. They begin... with the stereotypical "in case you totally missed the pilot episode, let's give you the quick recap because you are probably a moron" sequence. Except they do it without reusing stock footage. God damnit you guys, stop doing everything else right, this show has a terrible premise!

We are (re)introduced to one Touhara Naoya. You might remember Tou as being that kid we met at the end of last episode. He is human. And Judit is super happy about having managed to find one so quickly, because Lotte was dumb enough to say something about "not minding sucking a human male".

No but it was pretty heavily implied.

Then her teacher laughs and walks away, telling her to put on something 'more appropriate' and walks away so we can watch the intro. How kind of her.

It's disgusting how... well made this god damned show is. Production values are through the roof. It's wonderfully animated. But oh sweet jesus it is all about the context of everything.

Oh god and it begins. *weeps*

So Tou, I'm gonna call him that. Tou is having tea with the big-breasted maid. Who is also a cow. Named Effie. No, I mean that she is an actual cow. As in, a cow girl. Not to be confused with cowgirls, those are... well. Those are different. No, she has cow ears, a cow tail, and a bell around her neck. Cow. Girl. Sorry for any of you guys that were hoping for something else. There's plenty of bars for those.

Namely, any bar within a hundred miles of any small town in the southern 80% of the USA.

Then Judit walks in to introduce herself as the head lady in waiting, and is nice enough to slip in a helpful little factoid: Aside from Olaf, there are no other men employed here. I wonder why that is. She seems pretty pleased that he isn't, y'know, freaking the f**k out about BEING DRAGGED TO ANOTHER F***ING WORLD OR ANYTHING.

... I think I need an adult.

But he goes on to say, he was surprised! Of course, his uncanny ability to "adapt quickly" manages to completely nullify the fact that he was just taken away to a world unseen by human eyes for a thousand years. Or that he's ignoring the fact that magic? That's suddenly A REAL THING. Nah, he was too worried about the fat loads of cash he was promised. Except that the 'fat loads of cash' really only equate to probably about the same kind of money you'd make working part time in a convenience store like, ten hours a week. Super part time.

Then we flash back to the scene where they met - they're jumping all over the damn place now. They introduce his little sister, who is just learning to imitate people for no reason whatsoever.

She has also managed to master being cute as shit.

All of this, of course, is meant to detract from the main issue at hand: This girl is here for the sole purpose of finding a dick for her ten-year-old princess to suck. Oh, also, the going rate goes up to... 60,000 yen. That's an extra hundred a month.

Some people? They pay that much for a single night for what she's asking of him. This guy is getting the proverbial shaft. Over his shaft. Oh my god I am never getting that out of my head now LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

OH MY GOD YOU JUST PIMPED OUT YOUR BROTHER.

That's not a joke. His little sister just accepted his job for him. And then promptly heads off.. to school...

... without any underwear on.

..... oh my god.

What.

What the f**k.

What just.

She has her underwear in her bag. So it's okay.

But she is wearing. A blouse. And was sitting on Judit's....

Hang on I need to go vomit.

The joke here is that he is now an escort. You are escorting
the new escort. Oh god no.

So now Judit has decided to completely ignore all of this, instead focusing on business. Wiki states that Asuha, his little sister, is also ten years old. So that's a perfectly acceptable age to completely ignore wearing ANY UNDERWEAR IN PUBLIC. She's probably also convinced that is a completely appropriate age to start selling your body. Which would generally be a valid reason to go into public not wearing any OH GOD I NEED AN ADULT.

The perfect time to ask what your job is: After your
sister has accepted it for you.

So her casting of the spell gets interrupted, but she just happened to be casting it at the same time Lotte was at the tree on the other end, and her tail slaps the trunk and it opens the gateway. Then glowy stuff happens and they get sucked away into the other world. Also, that seemed fun to them. Also, it is a mystery about how the gate even opened.

By the way, I'm going to take a moment and say, it was incredibly tasteful of them to NOT give us the perfectly placed panty shot that I would have expected in that scene. Truly, I am thankful to them. Sadly, this only serves to further confuse the ever living shit out of me. Because if this show isn't borderline pedophila... what in the shit is it trying to accomplish here with this plot?!?!?!

Tou finally asks about his job, and just as Judit is about to start explaining it, we see Lotte walking down the hall wearing a dress. Looking surprisingly cute. Annoyingly so. As in, oh god I want to just hug her look at how adorable OH GOD I KEEP FORGETTING WHAT THIS SHOW IS ABOUT NO.

Kodomo no Jikan? Yeah, me too.

So she's off to go meet this guy she is totally going to have to get used to... I can't even say it. Not right now. She needs to find a way to get rid of this guy somehow. A plan that would somehow force Judit to never bring another man around again.

... does nobody understand that she is suggesting suicide here? Like, do the people in this show even realize that's what she's saying? This is an incredibly troubled child, though to be fair, she has ever reason to want to just die. Except that she's going about this entirely the wrong way.

Although if you think about it, that whole thing with the dragon at the start of the first episode... maybe that was all on purpose? Perhaps because of her 'power' she is just far too strong to die normally? Which is why she is trying to starve herself? Am I analyzing this way too much? YEP.

Okay, now I am just getting terrified.

Lotte shows up, gets introduced as the princess, and immediately proceeds to do that whole hateface thing. Though, as soon as he sees the girl, he immediately gets flashbacks of some other girl. What's up with that? Not even he knows. Totally not trying to foreshadow something though, of that I am certain. Also, him falling out of a tree, I dunno.

First day on the job and she already wants the D. OH GOD.

Everyone is shocked. Except Judit who is kind of excited for some reason. Cue the beach scene for no reason! Which stars Asuha I guess. Cut back to Judit telling Tou exactly what he is in store for.

Yeah, we want you to get sucked off by a little girl on
a daily basis. We hope that's not an issue for you.

Slowly, he becomes accustomed to the fact that he is probably better off dead right now. He is the first member in a newly established Harem for the princess. It doesn't matter that she's only ten. What matters is, she asked for him specifically, even though her body is "not ready" yet. Hang on, I think I feel my last six meals coming back up again...

Judit tries to explain that this is a great opportunity to have the princess get over her man hatey-ness. Also, it can't be all that bad since he's gonna be getting some serious action.

Then we get to see Lotte getting her hair brushed, and her servant suggests, hey, maybe they oughta have lunch outside today. Outside, Tou makes a starting discovery.

AT&T: More bars in more places. Including other planes
of existence.

You really thought I was joking didn't you.

So what did he get? A text message from his little sister. Who somehow managed to take a selfie on the beach. In her swimsuit. In... an oddly provocative manner... while on a floaty thing... in the water.

Oh. My. God. We now have the sister that is trying to seduce her brother. SHE IS ONLY TEN YEARS OLD.

This is quickly spiraling into a nightmare. But the thing that makes this truly well and terrifying? HE IS PERFECTLY OKAY WITH THESE SELFIES. IN FACT HE IS PLEASED TO SEE THEM.

I am quickly discovering that the first episode was a goddamned lie. It was a trap. A well-crafted trap. The kind of trap that only Akbar could uncover.

I don't know where I'm going with this so we're moving on now.

Olaf meets up with Naoya (everyone keeps calling him that, ugh, I kind of like Tou though its a much nicer name but whatever), and is all "oh the Princess? She's super nice. Even though she can be selfish. And rebellious. But she's pretty honest, and super nice, and you should totally let her play with your wing-wong. I would."

I might have been embellishing a little bit on that last part. Maybe.

But when he makes a face like that it's really hard to say.

So why does she hate men? Well, let Olaf tell you why. It was back when she still lived with her mom.

Even in context this is utterly horrible.

Instead of allowing Olaf to accompany her, little girl went on ahead, wanting to 'surprise' her mother. I think we can all see where this is most probably going to be going... and it is absolutely horrifying, I promise you.

So she gets to her mom's room but some dude is all "what the hell's a kid doing here, whatever, her promise to me comes first" and goes in. Even though he wasn't asked for. He's just some dude from her harem who totally just comes in to, most likely, bang the ever loving shit out of the queen.

Extreme close ups make everything more dramatic. Also,
drastically reduces the things you have to animate.

Ever since then, she totally hated on guys and left to get her own castle. But retained Olaf for some reason. Also, they need someone who can totally make her "warm up".

Now we get to the scene where he goes to meet with his new mistress. Oh god. Saying that about a ten-year-old is... oh god no. Judit is convinced something is wrong, but when he walks in, Lotte practically throws a jug of milk at the poor boy, and you hear things breaking. That might have just been my brain though.

OH GOD NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

I NEED AN ADULT.

Her plan is to engineer a series of events that will cause him to be dismissed from the household. A clever plan. Insofar as a plan concocted by a spoiled ten year old princess can get I suppose. Judit is no dummy, and sees right through the ruse immediately, and even calls her out on this. But Naoya wants to take responsibility for this, and declares he will set off to get her warm milk immediately. Surprising everyone in the room. Then we get our commercial break. This is what we see:

I am getting incredibly uncomfortable now.

When we return, we see Tou out with the Cow Girl Effie, trying all sorts of different milks. None of them seem to be the correct one, however.

... oh god no. Please god no. Don't go there. Do not go there. You're going to go there. I know it. Because she's part cow. And has melons larger than his head. It's going to go there.

The disturbing innuendo just continues.

What was the brand again? Something incredibly long and stupid, that's what. Which begs the question: She's a servant, why doesn't she just tell him where the milk comes from?

Well, at least that's better than what I was thinking.
I hope.

Now Tou has had too much milk to drink, and Effie has to ask why he's going this far for Lotte. Does he really want the princess to "suck" him?

Dude totally is already in a thing with his sister.

It's because of Olaf's touching, heart-warming story about her being so alone all the time. He feels that what she needs isn't someone to 'take care' of her tonight. He doesn't know what it is she needs, but he's not going to let something like that stop him at all. He just wants to make her happy. He wants her to feel how he felt having tea.

... as far as motivations for protagonists go... that is probably the weakest one I've ever heard. Ever. In fact, I'm almost going to suggest that he is, in fact, full of shit.

But this is enough to make Effie break down, say thanks, and take him back to the house, where she asks Q for a little 'help'.

F***ING CALLED IT.

He quickly exits stage right and OH GOD WHAT.

NO. NO. GOD NO. JUST. AUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

OH MY GOD NO. THAT IS JUST. THAT IS HORRIBLY WRONG ON THREE DIFFERENT LEVELS.

So, Lotte hears that he somehow managed to procure the milk. Despite her best efforts to ensure such a thing could never come to be. Clearly he must be some kind of monster who tips cow girls and forcefully milks them. Like a monster. So Lotte makes the only reasonable choice: she orders Zelda to cut off his head when he comes to visit tonight.

Though, Zelda points out that he did fulfill his promise, and that would be kind of a dick move. So fiiiiine, she'll talk to his stupid ass. But Zelda better cut him up if he tries anything.

Back down in the kitchen, Tou and Effie look at pictures of little Lotte, who is so god damned adorable it's almost sickening. Because damn it to hell, I just want to pinch her goddamn little cheeks. And spoil her crazy. And... shit. All of that stupid stuff a doting father would totally do to spoil the shit out of his daughter. Like I will if I ever have a daughter. If I have a son... well, sorry kid. Shit outta luck.

Seriously, I would take her to Six Flags like, every other week.
Or Sea World. Or whatever.  Stop making me like her!

Then he makes a discovery: That stuffed animal, what's up with it? It was her favorite, but one day it straight up vanished and she was all sad about it. It makes him think back though... and ask her a question. What's the question? Who knows. Then he comes a-calling for Lotte and is wearing all that stupidly provocative clothing which is completely inappropriate and I would never let my kid wear such a thing until she was 20 years old and not living under my roof, and what does he do? He presents her with a poor imitation of the doll she had when she was younger.

But hey it looks like shit and who cares if he made it by hand in a matter of friggin' hours. She doesn't need that shit. Why does she need some shitty shit from him anyway? Did I mention she says it's shit? So he offers her a choice: She can either spend the night with him, or the blue reindeer.

The best decision for everyone involved, really.

So he sets the doll down and leaves for the night, true to his word. Which makes her wonder what the hell is going on, and why is he so friggin' weird?

Then he's walking down the hall wondering if he made things worse, and decides he should ask his sister for advice on this matter.

Curse you AT&T!

Lotte spends time staring at the doll, hating the fact that it is so friggin' cute, and the fact that he made it for her. Then the next day rolls around, and Tou goes to talk to Judit, who informs him that Lotte has officially accepted him to become part of her new harem. He'll be provided with food, clothing, and shelter. Also, he'll be paid on a monthly basis a number of gems and minerals equal to about $600 a month. Which, still, is not really anything. That isn't the worst part of this whole arrangement though. Because his official position?

Toy.

Yes. He is now Lotte's "Toy". Which should come to you as no surprise, since the title of the show is literally "Astarotte's Toy". Then he goes out and sees Lotte watering flowers, who flees upon seeing him. Cue the tsundere buddy comedy reverse-harem routine. Also, that's the end of the episode.

Pantsu Counter: 3. A paltry number for this episode, which has me really worried. On the one hand, I'm very thankful that this number is so incredibly low. Fortunate, in fact. On the other?

This show is still going to give me nightmares.

Because there is not a single person in this show that is not inherently a horrible person. Not a one. Not the little sister, not the protagonist, and certainly not the Princess or ANY of her attendants. Because all of the attendants just want her to be comfortable around a penis.

In short: This is everything Strike Witches wishes it could have been. Which is horrifying. Because if they had taken the time to animate that show like this one was? And kept everything as tasteful as this? It would have been a much easier show to stomach.

And yet, it is still this show that will give me nightmares. And not Strike Witches.

Because the plot for this is teaching a ten year old to suck off men.

F**k my life.