Sailor Moon R Episode 12 - The Lovers' Hearts Disagree! The Angry Doom Tree

You know, it's been awhile since I last continued Sailor Moon. Exactly two weeks, actually. So I guess that means I should probably get back on track.

There's all kinds of reasons it's fallen behind. New shows, changing things up... and the fact that, as much as I want to rail on this show, there's honestly far more deserving ones in my lineup right now. I'm not suggesting Sailor Moon is getting good, it's getting mediocre. Which might almost be worse than being bad, except that it's only bad for me, since it means there's so very little to talk about that I haven't already talked about.

This is probably one of the most boring fillers I've ever had to watch. It isn't horrifying, it isn't scarring me for life, and it certainly isn't making me want to hurt myself. Unless you count wanting to die out of sheer boredom as wanting to hurt myself, because that is something this show has in spades right now.

Maybe my problem is that I need to spice things up a bit. Turn it into a game.

... meh. We'll see about that once this stupid filler is done and over with, and the actual plot gets to retconning this entire bullshit scenario. Kind of like how the first episode retconned the events of the end of the first series...

Once again, we sit through the same intro that's barely changed over the course of 58 episodes. That's got to be a record of some sort... and then, we get to see that today there's another play, and there's some Shiva-like monster who attacks with giant cherry blossoms, and something about the Tree moving. If the title is any indication... oh forget it, you know where I'm going with that.

Unlike this show at least I have the decency to take note of when I keep re-using the same old tired lines over and over and over again. It's a crutch, I admit. I'll try to do better. Though it's hard when the bar is set so god damned low because of what I'm subjecting myself to.

Speaking of tired old cliches, Usagi is wandering around good ol' Tokyo wondering why her milkshake isn't bringing any boys to the yard. I'm absolutely certain it has nothing to do with the fact that most people think she's a Ganguro who can't afford a tan. Who has blonde hair in Tokyo? Foreigners or people that wish they were. Which probably explains all of her ostracizing, come to think of it... though she's not doing blondes any favors by pretty much habitually reinforcing every negative stereotype of them known to mankind.

Sadly, the one boy her milkshake is attracting may not
even have the correct plumbing.

Of course, this is completely ignoring the fact that, instead of pining over her love-that-isn't-and-technically-never-really-was, she is wondering why she isn't the center of attention. Which is a funny thing, because one might almost consider this abrupt change in character as a drastic improvement... if she hadn't already spent almost the entire season thus far trying to get Mamoru to wake up to realize he loves her (which he doesn't).

In this scene, she's hoping he's hung like one.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, his sister is busy forgetting their lovely incestuous relationship and is instead salivating over Mamoru, while completely stalking him. Which is entirely a normal way to show your love and affection right? She gets a pass because she's an alien I guess... but that doesn't make this any less creepy. Or the fact that she's reading a book about horses.

So he puts down a book called... Luna. That's an odd name for a book, especially since it shares a name with one of the shows major characters, but hey, whatever. Then she just 'happens' to notice him and they say hi, and she is super excited to be in a public place with him. At the same time, her brother is schmoozing with Usagi, over some crepes.

A miracle! I mean, if she didn't know any better, she'd say
you were following her everywhere! Good thing she doesn't
know any better.

That lasts for all of five seconds until it looks like Mamoru and En had the same idea, with her hanging off his arm and him protesting, almost as if he weren't interested whatsoever. Nah, he's just embarrassed to be with a girl in public. Honestly, it's almost like he's worried about being seen in public with an underaged girl. Which, in an ironic twist of fate? Is the perfectly logical thing for him to be doing, unlike all of last season. I really like this new Mamoru. It's almost like he's a sane person who is slowly coming to realize the rest of the world is insane.

Then everyone sees everyone. Usagi gets mad at Mamoru, En gets mad at Ali, Ali gets mad (and defensive) at En, and Mamoru is simply lost. So in case you were confused on this at all: The twins are both mad at each other for doing the exact same thing with the exact same people their opposite happens to hate, even though they are both clearly doing the exact same thing. Because they are twins. And yet, they have the audacity to be mad at being unfaithful to one another, because their wobbly human bits quiver at the sight of one of these two.

It's actually pretty funny when you think about it that way. Instead of being all dramatic and shit, like they're trying to play it off, it just comes across as being hilariously convoluted, and almost enters into the realm of satire. Which makes me wonder if this is all just part of the intentional genius of the show, or a complete and utter accident.

Anyway, they get all mad about lying to each other, and they get back at the Doom Tree is dying (again), and they resort to blaming one another and completely ignoring everything they've been doing up to this point.

Yes, that's right. If the tree dies, you won't be able to
suck people dry like you've been doing so far.

One has to wonder why they even bother with the stupid tree, because what has it actually done for them? Sure they've taken energy from it a few times, but for the most part they just seem to absorb the energy directly for themselves. Oh  incestuous space vampires, you so complex.

Boy, it's a real shame there isn't a planet full of that stuff,
just lying around waiting to be... oh hold on.

... and the next thing you know, there's a SAILOR MOON SHOW. Yes. A Sailor Moon Show. In Sailor Moon. About Sailor Moon. Which will be watched... by Sailor Moon.

Welcome to my number one beef with this show. Because it's absolutely amazing that Tokyo seems to know all about these super secret "warriors of justice" who show up in the middle of the night to fight 'evil', when really, nobody knows who they are, or if they even exist. There's no proof of it. But then again, this is the same culture that would make a Godzilla movie three months after a giant lizard mutated by radioactivity paraded through the city streets before being electrocuted and sent back into the ocean.

Maybe it's a coping mechanism?

OH SWEET JESUS NO.

Oh god. No. No no no no no no no. YOU DID NOT. F**k it. THEY DID. They went there. I'm going to kill someone now. I can feel it. Let's just identify the five things that are very wrong with this picture.

1. Somehow, they know that Luna is a black cat that talks. 2. Somehow, they know that Tuxedo Mask is a thing. 3. Somehow, they've even managed to pick up on Zoisite being a thing, though to be fair he was kind of openly operating, so I suppose that's reasonable enough. 4. It looks like, somehow, beyond ALL REASON, they've also managed to discern the identity of THE ACTUAL BIG BAD WHO NEVER MADE AN APPEARANCE UNTIL THE SHE SHOWED UP AT THE NORTH F***ING POLE, QUEEN BERYL.

What's number five, you may ask? Number five is nobody should even know about ANY of this IN THE FIRST PLACE. Because the effect of the Silver Crystal was supposed to remove all traces of that stuff, right? Not that they were exactly public knowledge to begin with! So how in the hell!

Of course, this whole thing is simply to establish that hey, Sailor Moon is super popular. Maybe that's their actual secret to success: You tell people something is popular enough, eventually they start to believe it. They get to talking about this "super popular thing" that is actually not popular at all, but people want to pretend they know all about it, or they look into this thing that is super popular, not wanting to miss out, thereby perpetuating the endless cycle of promoting something that is really pretty shit when you think about it.

Oh, and in case you were getting bored, some four-headed monster with eight arms suddenly floats in spouting her name and looking dumb.

Yep, so terrifying.

I'm not even going to bother explaining this shit, if you feel like looking it up, just do a search for Kali (Hindu goddess) and Yamantaka (the thing this monster's name is based off of). General gist is that they're both gods of death so to speak.

Anyway, giant cherry blossoms rain down on the crowd, and everyone's energy is absorbed. Usagi and Luna show up late, only to come to the conclusion: these folks done been energy drained! Somehow it is worse than before, since almost all of their energy has been taken.

She seriously needs to get out of town.

Yamandakka returns to shower the tree with energy, but to no effect. Ali begins to consider the worst: Maybe the tree isn't really suited for Earth. Whoops.

Next day, Umino, Naru, and the twins seem to be absent. Oh how sad. So it's up to Usagi to pay some folks a visit, right? So why is it she drags Ami and Makoto along with her to visit whoever it is she happens to be going to see?

Social things. Right. Like you know anything about that.

Turns out they're going to visit the twins at their place. Nevermind how the stupid little rabbit somehow managed to magically get their address. I'm pretty sure it didn't involve the abuse of a little magic wand that turns you into whatever you want. So they get up to the apartment, and make a startling discovery: The twins are wearing the same color clothes! Gee isn't that weird.

What, it's gotta be one or the other? Please.

Ali manages to make with a snappy comeback of course.

Which meant there was no one around to make us stop
humping like rabbits when puberty kicked in.

Of course, the real question here is, if they lost their parents when they were young, who takes care of them now? But that's a question that would completely blow their cover. Not that it isn't flimsy enough anyway. I swear Japan has the loosest set of rules for letting people enroll into their high schools... it's no wonder everyone says they've got little boxes for robots, aliens, espers, and all other weird forms of life you can imagine.

Well, En gets all pissy because the girls dropped by unannounced, which is a totally rude thing to do! Never mind that we just didn't come to school today, you're clearly overstepping your bounds as being oddly caring human beings. Despite the fact that the girls are all about to go at it, Ali invites them all in for a drink, and wonders what this strange feeling he's getting is. I hope it's a sense of impending doom, because I'm ready to get back to the real story.

In the living room, En asks why the girls are even worried about them not coming to school, and it's because... they're friends. Which is pretty preposterous, and I have to agree with En here that it's kind of dumb that they're all "we're friends". But I got to hand it to them, at least they're trying. Not in any logical sense of the word, mind you, but they are making an effort. Let's just ignore the fact that the efforts they are going to is a bit... overzealous. I mean, it's only one day. If they were gone for a week, that's when you worry and start making visits unannounced.

Mako gets pissed off and announces she's going to go home, but then Usagi very nearly stumbles into their secret lair where the Doom Tree resides in a pocket dimension. How convenient that it has an automatic door!

Who guards the very thing which gives them life with a door that will literally open for anyone? Idiots. Which only makes it sting worse when you consider the fact that it was only stumbled upon... by another idiot. Who has no business just randomly poking around someone else's house to begin with.

Japan: Invading your privacy since 1993.

So Ali tells them, the room is dirty, they can't go in there! Oh, well it's a good thing Mako is here, she is totally awesome at cleaning. Comes with the territory of being a super physical kind of person.

It's amazing she's still saying 'please'.

Finally, En manages to chase them out, before Ali can give them a drink, and I'm left to wonder why they didn't just drain their energy right then and there. As the girls leave, the twins stand on the balcony, and Ali asks his sister if she felt the same way he did. Which... according to him is indescribable.

Yeah I think he's crazy too.

The next day rolls around and somehow, Usagi is up before her alarm. Before the cat even wakes up. Why is she up so early? Why to pester the twins again, to come back to school. She tries to chastise En about being such a lazy butt, and in an attempt to look like a responsible person, asks her to come to school with her.

There is nothing about this image that is not just creepy.

The brother is off in la-la land again, and he's all "oh hey, come in, have some cake and meat buns". Or, "hey, we should totally go to school with her yeah that sounds great". His sister asks him what's going on, and he... doesn't know. He just feels like brewing a mean cup of coffee for a girl he has a raging boner for. Sometimes, you just feel that way.

While the twins are in the kitchen talking, Usagi does what she does best: Completely ignoring personal boundaries, and going against the wishes of other people who tell her to please not snoop around their place. It's terribly poor manners.

Like that's ever going to stop her.

He neglected to mention the reason it's a mess is because
they are growing a giant tree.

She screams, the tree tries to grab her, and the Twins come rushing over to 'save' her. Quick Ali, come up with a cover story... okay. You're uh... working on something. An experiment! Yes! Perfectly ordinary thing for junior high students to be doing! Not suspicious at all. What kind of experiment?

Genius.

His plan is pretty simple. Maybe if he throws enough big-sounding words at her, she'll give up and go home. That's what most blondes do right? Then En tells her off for snooping around and sends her packing, and yet Usagi still has the audacity to be all happy and shit. Then Ali gets that strange "warm feeling inside" again. That feeling? It's called the fuzzies. You get them when you do something nice. Unfortunately for you, being a creature of pure evil, that's also a terminal condition.

That means you're gonna die soon brah.

We get treated to the commercial break, and afterwards the tree is looking pretty sickly, but there's a new sproutling coming from the tree. It showed up after grabbing Usagi. Gee, what a coincidence! They need her energy! Again. Haven't they drained her like, three times now, and they never picked up on this? Literally every time they experienced some sort of massive growth or something, so why is it they're just now picking up on this? Oh right, because they're the same idiots who guard their precious life-giving tree with an automatic door.

Now they have a new plan: Get all of her energy! With that the tree might fully revive. But before they do anything brash, Ali wants Yamandakka to do something. I hope it involves looking goofy because that's about all she's really good for. Then plan is to see what happens to the sprout when they feed it normal energy. I wonder what the results will be?

Using evil energy to grow plants? Works every time.

Oops, accidentally killed the tree again. Which really pisses it off. But that's dumb, trees can't talk, or so says Ali. But then, his sister begins to wonder. What is the tree anyway? Could it possibly be something alive? Well, considering it is supposed to be a tree I'd think that question would be pretty obvious. The whole purpose of the tree is to "convert and store the energy that is perfect for their consumption".

So the fact that the stuff you're feeding it constantly is killing it isn't tipping you off that maybe you're doing it wrong?

Back at school, Usagi talks about going back and snooping around like a dolt, and Mako whacks her over the head with a stick. There was something on her head, honestly! Actually, there was, but one's normal reaction isn't to slap your friend over the head with a stick, it's to say "hold still" and then pluck it off them gently.

No big deal, it's just a tree sprout. That's wriggling.

The girls freak out over this thing and call an emergency meeting, and the cats decide to do something "dangerous". Which results in what is probably the most hilarious thing to come out of this show yet:

OH GOD ITS GOT ME ITS GOT ME GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!

So yeah, why does he think Luna is hot again? Oh right, she's the only other talking cat around. So despite the fact that she basically tells you to do something stupidly dangerous while insinuating she will cut off your testicles if you say no, you still wanna tap that. Yeah, that's reasonable.

From this they gather: this thing steals energy! Wow, what an astute observation. How fortunate they were able to get it off Usagi's head. Also, the cats know something else now too: that's a twig from the Doom Tree.

Thanks Luna, for repeating the thing you just told us.

Oh, but that's the only thing they know. Because NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING ELSE. NOBODY.

So you recognize the plant, you know the Doom Tree is a thing... but you know nothing about it? Sweet mother of titty-loving christ YOU ARE F***ING USELESS. Cue the theramin sci-fi creepy music while they start asking really stupid questions to which the answers are obvious, even to their pea-sized brains:

Clearly it's because that one boy is a cosmic botanist.

Despite the fact that Usagi is a complete idiot, Rei determines that there's something wrong with the twins. It's not much longer before they finally reach their conclusions:

NO SHIT.

Evening falls, and Usagi decides to head off to their apartment, alone, one more time... but chickens out because she is a coward. But then Mamoru shows up with a bunch of flowers, saying that he is totes going to see that girl because she's been all sick and missing from school. Oh holy shit, it's like he's picked up his stalkerish tendencies all over again, and suddenly begun to apply them when dramatically appropriate. Like now. So now Usagi has to play the "why do you even care about her?" card while trying not to weep like a little bitch because the guy she likes who doesn't even remember her who was never actually her boyfriend but she seemed to think they were once going to get SPACE MARRIED is paying attention to a girl that is not her.

My god this show is just SO COMPLEX.

There's gotta be a book nearby I can beat myself with...

He better be careful or he's gonna get space aids! I mean, he's gonna get energy drained! Which is probably about the same thing when you think about it. He walks off, totally ignoring her, and she goes charging after, and En is all wondering why he is doing the semi-reasonable thing for a human being to do. Except they really don't know each other well enough, but she's not going to let that stop her from acting exactly like her brother was with Usagi.

Again, it's the fuzzies. They're terminal.

Then Usagi shows up to interrupt the little prism-colored bubble scene to whisper into Mamoru's ear, "I really think you should leave." They have a DOOM TREE in their apartment. Yet, En invites them both in, and then Ali gets all excited and creepy looking again once he sees that his favorite gal has come calling. Again.

That is both disgusting AND creepy... considering
that was at least two days ago.

It doesn't take much to get her excited. Of course, En is already coming up with ways to trap Usagi with the Doom Tree, so she has her brother take the dude out on the balcony (which is really creepy to begin with), just so she can show Usagi "something special" in "that room you wanted to see".

That feeling? Likely indigestion from MEAT BUNS AND CAKE.

Then En says they've been terrified by something horrible, which is just in the other room, but it's asleep right now so they are totally safe. Then she shoves her in the room and tells Yamandakka not to let her go, and it starts to absorb her energy, and then the tree gets all pissy to the point where it audibly screams, starts glowing, and goes on a massive growth spurt, crashing through the walls. It seems pretty angry - so angry it beats the shit out of Yamandakka itself, while holding onto Usagi.

Oh, and it uh... accidentally'd the entire building. Whoops.

What're ya blind lady? It's a giant tree, cripes!

Well, the other girls gotta get up there somehow, and they've still got like, a full minute left before the end of the episode, so this is the appropriate time for the scouts to do their Transformation thing. Probably because it's the last time they'll get to for the next twenty episodes, and they've gotta use this stock footage at some point. To that friggin' annoying ass song where they just go "Sailor Moon... Sailor Moon..." OVER AND OVER.

Because they need to use some more stock footage, Jupiter gets the first attack off.

Why is there a red circle here? Why?! "Attack animation
goes here"?

Predictably it does nothing, then there's screaming from above, and the episode ends.

Frankly, I feel like screaming because OH MY GOD HOW F***ING STUPID CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE.

After watching this, it's given me a whole new level of appreciation for shows like Card Captor Sakura and Pretty Cure!. Because it is absolutely amazing the genre managed to last this long, when its parent material is this bad.

I think we can just chalk it up to them simply not knowing any better. I know we sure didn't as kids...