Sailor Moon Episode 21 - Protect the Children's Dreams! Friendship Linked by Anime

According to this ancient thing called 'math', if I continue to do three episodes per week, I can be done with this show in all its entirety in about 66 weeks. Or about 15 months-ish. That doesn't include the movies. Or the new show that is supposed to air sometime later this year. When? Nobody knows. How long is it? Nobody knows. Though since it's some kind of commemoration of the 20th anniversary, I get the feeling it will be just an OVA.

I pray to god it's just an OVA. Because if I have to sit through another entire season of this show, I might just start going all Hulkamania on folks, snapping into Slim Jims and asking if you can smell what the Rock is cooking. I like to think my friend Bill Murray describes the most likely scenario if it turns out to be an entire season in the following:



Not exactly the best situation, I assure you.

It's taken me twenty episodes to bother asking this, but... why the hell does Tuxedo Mask have that crazy freaking mask during the OP? I don't think I've ever seen it the entire show thus far. And who wears a mask under a mask anyways?

So today's episode is... wait. No. You cannot be serious. They cannot be jumping the shark this early. Oh but they are.

This episode. Is about. ANIME.

I think I just want to stop here. I've had enough. Ride's over folks. I am done. It's been great.



.....


......

Screw it. Fine. I'll watch it. But I swear to christ... I just. I do not have words to amply describe my utter dissatisfaction with this show right now. And I'm not even ten seconds into this episode.

Let's try this again.

"The Shadow of evil is closing in on the trendy members of the anime industry."

.... I really think I don't need to say anything more.

Today's monster isn't even uninspired. Nor is it even lazy. It's just proof they simply stopped trying.

I wonder what today's message is going to be? Anime is bad, you should go outside and play? Yes, because clearly that's the most intelligent message to send to children. Through an anime. ALKFJE{WOVNLEKN. Yeah.

We begin with a big opening for a Sailor V movie. Which is like the laziest thing ever.

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!

This. This is going to be one of those episodes. One. Of those. Freaking. Episodes. If I'm not crying by the end of this, someone call for an ambulence, I'm probably dead.

Then we cut to some staff members working on a project it seems. They immediately begin complaining about their manager.

OH GEE KIND OF LIKE THIS ENTIRE SHOW ARMITE?
Alternative: YOUR FACE IS ABSTRACT. ARGH!

Though after seeing the director talk? Oh dear god it's even worse than I thought. It literally is every animator's worst nightmare. He doesn't just talk in abstracts. He's projecting his own lack of drive onto his staff. I wonder if maybe they thought to maybe make fun of Miyazaki in a roundabout way?

Naaah. I doubt they were that clever. Especially given the budget for this show so far.

Besides, two women working in the anime art industry in the early '90s? In Japan? That seems questionable enough to me. But whatever, we'll let it slide. After all, this is a fantasy isn't it? And I could be wrong, maybe women were flocking to work in the anime industry in the early '90s.

Whatever. Anyway, those two go running off, and Hiromi (the one on the right with the glasses) drops her folder with her work in front of Ami. Now she has a dilemma: Be a total dick and run off to cram school, or do the decent thing and return it. What's she choose? To drop by the studio later. After cram school.

Oh Japan.

Anyways, over in Silent Hill, Nephrite is petitioning the pagan gods of astrology again. Looks like today he is calling upon Gemini. Gee, not like I didn't see that one coming from the preview.

Oh good, does that mean you die soon? Because you
are getting really annoying with your incompetence.

Elsewhere, at 7-Mart (yes, it is actually called 7-Mart) Hiromi's main squeeze is buying food at a convenience store. And then our friendly neighborhood villain comes racing down the street past Ami, who BETTER HAVE RECOGNIZED THAT ASSHOLE.

Well thank god she's paying attention. At least now you know what he drives!

Quick, we need a setting for the next episode! Eh, let's
just use the office for reference. Who'll know?

So it seems Hiromi is pulling an all-nighter and failing at life. Or rather, falling into that bottomless pit of despair where everything we draw sucks regardless of what its actual artistic merit is. She decides to take the time to look through her best buddy's work, and falls into the second most-common pitfall of artists: Comparing our work to the guy next to us. I could go on for hours about this, but I'll spare you. Because quite honestly, it's painful enough I have to watch this thing.

Hiromi pulls out her magical 'limited edition super special only use these in case of an emergency pencils for professional animators'. Which she purchased with her bestest friend's intention to only use them for something special. Oh, and there's a ribbon that holds it closed that you need permission to untie from the other friend.

What the hell is this, international politics?!

Of course, it's revealed that someone's been dipping into the well quite a bit, and said well is nearly dry. It's a good thing our friendly neighborhood villain is around to ruin the day! With his fabulous Fabio locks, he pours on the charm and basically dominates her with a gaze. Then he teleports outside. No, literally teleports after infusing the pencil with the demons. It even has a teleport sound effect, that's how serious it is. Which brings up another question:

Why the hell would you drive anywhere if you can just freaking teleport?!?!

I swear to christ. Magic makes no damned sense at all in the Sailor Moon universe. NONE.

So his whole plan is to lure the sailor scouts again, possibly attempt to kill them, and of course to just fail at that. What could ever possibly go wrong?

Well, damn. That was fast.

How refreshing, a protagonist being proactive for a change! He just barely set his plan into motion to sabotage the Sailor V anime and already people are chomping at the bit to kick his ass.

Of course he taunts her by leaping over, knocking her off his car, and then going "yeah, I got my best monsters for you," and drives off.

Not teleports.

DRIVES.

Wouldn't the smart thing to do to kick her ass now while she's alone? I mean, wouldn't that be the pragmatic idea? Of course not, that makes too much sense. Like teleporting instead of driving.

So now Hiromi has become possessed, and is being a total ass now. Ami hands over the file, and is asked to come back some other time to be properly thanked. But now Ami knows something is going on. Then the rabbit gets angry with her the next day for not calling for help. Why, you ask?

Clearly all part of his cunning master plan.

So Ami gets the bright idea to invite her to come to the studio after school. Because nobody's going to care if you just drop into their high-pressure workplace like that, right? It isn't as if Japan isn't known for incredibly obsessed fans for media or anything.

How could this possibly go wrong?

You know they were struggling for a deadline on this one because they continue to utilize the same stock images throughout the show - the entrance to the studio, in inside shot of the studio, the people at their desks... it's the exact same set of shots with the same pacing and everything. Sometimes, things are removed (like people). Other than that? All the same thing.

So Hiromi is animating entire sequences by herself in a single night, and is obsessed with not being eclipsed by her best friend in talent. Oh, and her pencil magically regenerates itself.

Anyways, the others bring Rei into the loop via magical communication technology. They should've just given them all cell phones and called it a day.

Way to endear yourself to the fans.

Who five seconds afterwards...

How many cliches can they stuff into a single episode?

Elsewhere, over in Mist Mountain, Nephrite is enjoying a fine glass of something that looks vaguely alcoholic when Zoisite comes a-calling. Y'know, just checking in, seeing how that whole murdering little girls thing is going. Good? Cool, cool. It's not like he's trying to avoid his job or anything. I'm sure he's working diligently behind the scenes. Producing nothing takes effort and talent, after all.

Anyways, the girls invade the studio, and within five seconds I want to pop my eardrums. Because they are so loud I can't even hear the goddamn conversation the show is focusing on. Then Hiromi comes out and tells everyone to STFU.

Then the batphone rings. And confirms one of my earlier suspicions, meaning I either underestimated them, or they just thought it was funny:

Yep. They went there.

So, the director is on the line, and praises the girl for doing such great work, and asks her to keep  it up in the final scene. Which is where things become totally unhinged.

Yeah, no... how about, you're fired?

So being asked to work on a scene means you get to do whatever the hell you want? Uh... no. Not ever. Then there's a stirring message about teamwork and all that, which I suppose is probably the message they wanted to convey. Except instead of doing it subtly, they pretty much just shove it in your face. Which is fine, I guess. I shouldn't expect a lot from this show to begin with.

And suddenly, we understand why this show is so crap.

Also, is it me or is the entire staff all female? Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against women in the least. I love ladies, but to have this sort of thing portrayed in Japan is odd to me. I can think of two reasons why they would do it like this: Either the actual staff is primarily female (possible), or they are attempting to subtly suggest that such things in Japan should be commonplace. Which is clever, I suppose, if that's the case. I might have to look into that one, because now it makes me curious.

So Hiromi runs out and heads to the roof, and now we get towards the final wind-up I guess. The friends have their confrontation, and energy level peaks, and then we are met with the most aggravating display of purely lazy monster design I have ever seen.

Because if its worth doing once...

Okay. So I'll be fair, I suppose, I wasn't expecting the tails. But clearly they are a  ripoff of the Sailor Scouts themselves. Which means this show has gotten incredibly Meta at this point.

In an amazing change of pace, the three of them get a brand new transformation opening sequence. The rest of the stock footage is intact, but I really hope the entire budget didn't go to that one bit of stock footage.

Anyhow, Nephrite tells Zoisite of his cunning plan back at the observatory (with the candlestick.... oh wait nobody died yet damn), and reveals that these monsters are so powerful because... they are bound by friendship.

I'll let you process this for a moment.

THEY ARE BOUND BY FRIENDSHIP.

Yeah.

Oh god look at those faces. And those Duck Lips!

The girls are clearly enraged about the abuse of anime, and now they.... WHAT?! They tie their tails together and declare themselves unbeatable because of their unique bond? YOU JUST TIED YOUR TAILS TOGETHER. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

So the Red one emulates Sailor Mars, the other, Mercury. And then their amazing teamwork begins to overflow.

Oh will SOMEONE just kill us already?!

Clearly they are such good friends they have to bicker over who will deal the finishing blow. Because that's the important thing here right now. And just like that, they dissolve their friendship. Now we get to see some 'real' teamwork, and a new song plays. This is the first appearance of seeing the Moon Tiara imbued with the power of the other scouts too, interestingly enough. Because fire and bubbles are like two peas in a pod.

So much for your plan, Nephrite.

No, you just suck at your job.

Now we get to see a hearfelt confession between friends in regards to the pencils - looks like Hiromi wasn't the only one dipping into the well, and they realize (gasp and astonishment) that they've been doing the exact same thing for the exact same reasons. Who would have guessed.

And so the power of friendship manages to triumph over everything. Including terrible writing.


.... I am beginning to question whether I really want to continue the series at this point. Because this is just getting downright painful to watch. Tune in again on friday when I probably decide not to kill myself, and then spend the entire weekend asking myself why.