Sailor Moon Episode 22 - Romance Under the Moon! Usagi's First Kiss

They say you can become desensitized to anything, given enough exposure to it. Violence, for example. We see it all the time on TV, and in our video games these days. Or there are people who get used to pain so much that they begin to like it. Like, physical pain actually gives them pleasure or something. Or if you eat the same thing enough, no matter how much you hate it, you'll find a way to tolerate it.

It is at this point I have to ask myself: Am I slowly becoming desensitized to this show? Have I finally watched so much of it that its inherent badness just washes over me like the river over a stone? Somehow, I get the feeling the answer is hell no.

Okay, so thanks to the episode overview, this episode is host to some of the absolute worst art direction so far. I mean holy crap this is just terrible. I'd screencap it, but I get the feeling that this is going to be prevalent throughout the entire episode. Which seems pretty lacking in content as it is. Key points: Usagi kissing Tuxedo Mask, at some sort of dance thing. Then Mr. Nerdface is not only cross-dressing, but also gets possessed, and the entire night is ruined.

Do you know how bad this is? It's so bad, my keyboard died trying to type that. It literally sucked the life out of the batteries in my keyboard. All of it. Think I'm lying? Then read on.

(As a note: Of course I always keep spare batteries nearby. Because who the hell doesn't?)

Today's episode begins with a murder. Okay, probably not. But there's a traffic jam, and police are being stingy lil' bastards about letting people through for some reason, since they've set up a checkpoint of sorts. Then Naru shows up looking... a lot like a zombie...

Oh god,. Didn't this effect die out in the '70s? This is
the kind of quality you can expect for the next twenty minutes.

In an incredibly rare bout of coherency, they actually take a look back at something that happened in another episode! Poor Naru appears distraught because the guy who said she was the cutest at her school turned around and attacked her. Kind of like he's been a douchebag the whole time. Y'know. Because he kind of is. But she's all kinds of confused by, I guess, the mixed signals she's been getting. Then... you know who shows up after they get to class.

.... do you *ever* manage to make sense?

So aparrently the 'diamond kingdom' is the country that produces the most gems in the world. Not even GOOGLE can seem to understand what the hell this kid is talking about. The best thing I can come up with is that Diamond Kingdom is, in reality, some sort of company that produces jewelry? Either that, or the writers just couldn't decide which tiny country was important enough to mention. Or most likely? They just wanted a bullshit excuse to set up some sort of ballroom dance at the embassy.

Yeah. Embassy. I don't even. But wait, it gets better. Or worse. I'm leaning towards worse.

LEGENDARY SECRET TREASURE? CLEARLY THE BEST
PLACE TO RECEIVE SUCH A THING IS AT A PARTY
BEING HOSTED AT THE EMBASSY.

Christ, are they really trying to tie that thing in they've been talking about for the last ten episodes? I guess they really are, the lazy pricks. Something about a secret treasure that has been 'passed down through the royal family and will be unveiled to the world for the first time'.

This really reads like something a goddamned ten-year-old would write. Which is fitting since that is their target demographic I guess. That 10-16 crowd. Though, I'm pretty sure even by 12 Japanese girls would be asking what is wrong with this picture.

So because Naru's family owns a jewelry shop (more consistency, what the hell is this?) she'll be able to get a look at the jewel first hand. Because she's kinda got an invite to the party.

Back at home, Luna waddles across a table to read a paper she was already standing on top of. After reading about this secret treasure (and how the Diamond Princess seems to hate the media?), she is left to wonder... something.

Meanwhile, back in Beryl's Disco Inferno, Beryl alludes to the fact that this could be the crystal they've been looking for. How very amazing. I must be psychic. And then the quality just takes a steep dive.

Aw, lookit the cute little blobs. Who are they? Oh, right.
Those two. You can tell by the hair color. Right?

So Nephrite steals a page out of Zoisite's book, and interrupts his briefing for a change. Because we all know Zoisite has been working so very diligently to recover the Silver Crystal. Oh, but aparrently, all of Earth is under Nephrite's 'jurisdiction'. So, what did that say about Jadeite...? I'm confused. And what do you mean by 'jurisdiction'? I think you're just tossing words around!

Oh, and for Plot Time With Beryl, I guess she can revive their 'ruler' of this Dark Kingdom if they get their hands on the Silver Crystal. Must be some pretty primo stuff. Beryl asks about his plan, and he's all "Bitch please, I am too cool for plans, just you watch and let me work my crazy evil voodoo astrological magics of evil." Because they have to say evil like, two or three times, right? Whatever.

She didn't assign it to him so much as she did not deny
his request for the assignment? Semantics, I know.

But it seems Beryl likes desperate men.

.... nope, that's just too damn easy.

Kinda like her.

OOOOOOOH!

Ahem. Anyways, moving along.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT AM I WATCHING NOW.

THAT IS A MAN'S LAP YOU ARE RESTING YOUR
HEAD UPON.

Right. So Zoisite... *shudders* Is holding some mysterious man in a very easy to misconstrue manner. This man is literally patting him on the head and stroking his hair. Creepy? JUST A LITTLE BIT. HOLY CRAP.

This guy's name is Kunzite. And I guess Zoisite is his prison bitch. I mean, he only addresses the other man as "Master". I think the sheer shock value of the content of the scenes takes away from the utterly horrendous art direction in this episode. I mean, just look at new guy's face.

Try telling that to your artists, buddy.

I guess the plan is to bump Nephrite out of the picture. Which seems to be kind of detrimental to their cause anyways, given the issue of the Sailor Scouts? But hey, since when did the villains ever make a rational decision?

Back on Earth, the girls are having a meeting at Rei's shrine. Luna informs them that this princess in town might be the one they've been looking for! Wait, when was that mentioned last? Who cares. Clearly, they all need to somehow get close to the girl to confirm their suspicions. They only have to break through all her bodyguards and infiltrate an international embassy to get access to an invitation-only party. Can't be that hard.

More quality artwork.

Of course, when the rabbit tries to scamper away from the problem by saying it's basically impossible (and clearly, it kinda is), Rei yells at her and makes her cry. Nothing good ever comes from this kid crying. Ever. Pretty sure she defeated her first monster by crying at it. But they decide to try to get into the dinner party anyways, because what else do teen-aged girls have to do in Japan? Apparently not very much.

.... okay, so is she the Diamond Princess, or is her name Princess Diamond?! Because now I am getting really confused. It may just be the subtitles misleading me here (because god knows they're not always perfect). But still? What the crap.

Usagi returns home, and what is her father doing? Preparing to go to the Diamond Kingdom embassy.

.... so now you're just referring to their country as the Diamond Kingdom now?

I just. Oh god. It just hit me what they've been doing this entire time. It just now occurred to me how freaking lazy they've been the entire time. It makes me want to slam my head against the wall because this is just goddamn inane at this point.

Her father is some kind of magazine reporter, so he gets into the party. Hold on. I get the feeling this is going to be one of those times when everyone has a reason to go to this party. May have something to do with Japan being a small country, who knows.

Ah, but clearly, Usagi has to get into that party no matter what, right?

Did someone order an abuse of power?

So what does she ask for?

To be turned into a Pretty freaking Princess.

I'm not even halfway through this episode and I want to be done with this. Can it just be over now? Please? Pretty please? What do you mean no? Do you not see how long this thing is already?!

Fine. Let's try to tough it out a little longer.

A shame your artists didn't portray it better.

Of course Luna balks at the use of the Transformation Pen. Kinda like she always does. I mean, I could understand wanting to use it to go undercover. But now she is magically a princess. I mean, she is literally now magically a princess. What knids of effects does that have on reality, I wonder?

More quality animation, and then we get to see Tuxedo Mask, standing in the mist! While looking up at some Taj Mahal looking palace thingy, with a silhouette of a girl who is clearly not the main character of this show. At all. She beckons him: Please find the Silver Crystal.

No seriously who the hell else wears their hair like that?

Then Mamoru wakes up from a deep sleep, and now he must be a man on a mission.

Usagi walks into the embassy, passing Rei and Ami (who are not so fancily dressed), and declares herself to be the princess of the Ivanovich Kingdom. I think she's just making words up at this point. At this point, I think the art is just slowly getting worse and worse with every passing moment. Almost as if they had a hard time finding people to pay to continue drawing this stuff.

Next we see the laziest ballroom dance scene ever.

THEY'RE ALL CLONES!

What you can't see in that picture is that every single couple is dancing in perfect unison. Perfect. Unison. They took the same animation and just dupilicated it about a dozen times, made some minor alterations, and called it done. That is just sickening. And in the next scene? THEY LITERALLY ARE ALL THE SAME COUPLES.

And they're still dancing in perfect unison.

And yet we still aren't even halfway through this episode?! I've already written more and taken more images than I have for any other episode!! What the hell. Can a guy get a midpoint here please?

Well, Nephrite spies Naru from across the room, and with the goofiest shades in the world, he thinks this is absolutely perfect. How is this perfect, I wonder? What could you possibly use her for? Wait, don't answer that. Please don't answer that. We've already got one weird sexual fetish in this episode we do not need any more.

So he asks her to dance. Clearly, there's nothing wrong with dancing with the man who physically assaulted you not very long ago. I mean, that's all water under the bridge now, right? You aren't regretting coming to this party alone all of a sudden, right?

Macross had better quality than this. And that's pretty bad.

Oh god, this is making my physically ill to watch.

I'VE SEEN BETTER FANART THAN THIS.

The most unfortunate part about that previous image? You can't see them changing size randomly. That is nauseating. Also, something I would have been flunked for in college.

Oh, but Usagi doesn't know what Nephrite really looks like, and sees the two dancing. And holy crap what is wrong with her face.

Consistency in art anyone? Not in this episode.

Seconds after that image, her father snaps a photo of her, commenting on how she looks exactly like his daughter. And then he wonders if his kid will be that beautiful when she grows up. Then she simply says that her father is taking photos and not knowing who she is. In the same exact scene.

.... way to really reinforce that scene fellas. That was a really great use of time, let me tell you. You should be commended on your incredible writing skills by taking the time to tell us the exact thing we were just shown seconds earlier.

Uggggh. Can it be halfway yet? Pleaaaase?

Well, then some skank spills wine all over Usagi (bout frickin' time) with a laughable animation (which I'm not even going to bother trying to screencap - the motion is just terrible), she goes storming out.

Speaking of outside, Tuxedo Mask is about to finda  way to sneak in, and stumbles across Usagi who is probably looking for a bathroom. Amazingly enough, she is magically the girl from his dreams. Who didn't see that one coming? Come on, there had to be one of you, right? Right? Yeah I didn't think so.

Meanwhile, on a balcony in Still Not Halfway Yet Land....

He looks like a damned robot now. What is going one?

Suddenly, Naru doesn't care about anything other than just being close to this guy. Despite having hurt her already. It's not like it'll happen again, right?

Whoops, sorry my Satan slipped out for a moment.

And he is accompanied by this little guy:

Sadly, this is not Ghost Nappa.

So Naru gets possessed, and she takes on some very creepy doll-like qualities and OH THANK YOU BABY JESUS WE ARE AT THE MID-POINT OF THE EPISODE.

Back to the ballroom scene that we've seen THREE TIMES ALREADY, to cut to another view of clones dancing in perfect synch, and this show just cannot move the hell on can it? Our heroine is so depressed because she is here by herself, but who should step up suddenly than our very own Tuxedo Mask! Gasp. If only we had some foreshadowing of such a thing.

I'm not even gonna bother making fun of this one.

So they immediately start dancing with some of the most horrendous animation imaginable, and everyone is getting nostalgia trips, while the entire room stops to watch them dance. Literally, everyone else stopped moving just for them. Oh, but they get the feeling they've danced together like this a long time ago.

Gee. Who'd have thought.

Anyway, Naru walks up and pretty much bullies the guards into letting her see the princess which... wait what.

YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE.. AUUUUGH.

Well, I guess dumbshit isn't cross-dressing after all. Despite these two wearing the exact same glasses. Or having pretty much the exact same facial structure. But whatever. The guards let Naru in, which just displays their wonderful, astounding amount of intellect. Because it's not like you guys are her personal f***ing guards or anything. Holy crap, this show made me slip that one in there. Wow. This one is really getting to me.

She's totally harmless guys. Just look at that face!

.... yeah.

Okay, so without trying to lose any time, she declares that all she wants is the legendary secret treasure, and then the ghost leaps bodies, possessing the princess now. Which is actually kind of refreshing, but it makes me wonder why it didn't just try possessing other people in the first place. Like... a guard? Because that's the kind of thing that would make some freaking sense!

So after screaming, the guards come rushing in to see what is wrong, but she's all "see ya suckas!" and runs off with the treasure, laughing the entire time.

Then alarms go off all over, and Luna pretty much appears out of thin air to tell Usagi something has happened to Princess Diamond. Oh no. Whatever shall we do.

Oh my god can this get ANY CREEPIER?!

Outside Nephrite is waiting, but Usagi runs for the intercept. Yet, somehow, despite having a large box held over her head, the possessed princess still manages to somehow knock Usagi over the balcony. With her nonexistent breasts I suppose?

So who should come to her rescue but Tuxedo Mask. Again. Only now he's missing the cape for some reason. The princess tries to bump Tuxedo Mask over the railing too (which suddenly seems way too short to me but whatever), while Usagi dangles over the railing. This is really some shitty '80s-style Japanese Animation here folks, because the quality is just complete crap. Anyways, Luna comes diving out of nowhere to scratch at the Princess, bowling her over, and the other two girls are still outside and clueless.

But it's okay, because not even two seconds later they are Sailor Scouts, and stopping Nephrite from finishing off the precariously-perched couple.

Damn, look at those biceps. Bro's been working out.

Anyways, Usagi's glove slips off, and it's all over! Except Luna seems to have had the time to get off the Princess' face, retrieve that umbrella from earlier, and toss it down to Usagi to... WHAT?!

NOW THE UMBRELLA IS MAGIC TOO?!

Gee Luna. You don't seem concerned at all that your master, or the guy that keeps saving her, are falling from a tall height. Or that they only have an umbrella to slow their descent. Jesus christ. What are they teaching children with this show?

So they harmlessly float down, and now Tuxedo Mask suddenly has a cape again. More quality animation folks. More quality.

He goes to chase after Nephrite, only to be stopped by a clearly rational Sailor Mercury, demanding to know who he is. Because that is clearly the most important thing right now?

Oh great. He's a schizophrenic with amnesia. That must be fun.

Of course he can't answer that question, because it would be too easy! He needs the Silver Crystal to restore his memory or something. Everyone gasps! Then she asks if he is a friend or foe.

To which he replies that if they're after the same thing, he's totes gonna throw your asses under the bus and run away laughing. Then he leaps away like a ninja, and Usagi transforms into Sailor Moon. Leaving us like, three minutes for the fight and its inevitable conclusion.

So everyone's looking at Princess Diamond, who is just kind of lying on the floor face-down (despite falling backwards when Luna tackled her earlier... whatever). Then Nephrite calls his 'other self' to re-awaken. So basically, the monster is him this time? I'm confused, are you? The Princess then forces every to go to sleep or something, and the Scouts confront her. Yay.

Is it really necessary to say 'legendary' every time...?

Of course, after that she leaps out of the window and floats down, followed by the girls. Mars does her talisman thingy, which only serves to draw the spirit of Nephrite out.

The fact that this ever got aired is embarrassing.

So he traps them all in a black vortex thingy, but Mercury showers him with bubbles, and now we're onto the end-phase a whole minute ahead of my schedule. Crown is thrown, and spirit is dispersed. Great job girls, you managed to somehow not screw this entire thing up with incompetence. Amazing. Then Princess Diamond's true face is revealed as she awakens.

Sigh. I think I liked her better with the glasses.

So then the cat starts trying to talk to her, but without her glasses she is blind as a bat. Which is probably good because this could get really awkward in a hurry. But that lasts all of two seconds before she puts them back on, while Luna is asking, "Hey Princess Diamond, are you our princess?"

You're asking a princess if she is your princess. Let me just point out the logical fallacy that is involved with that. Think about it for two seconds. She also has absolutely zero context as to what you are yammering on about. Hell, if we hadn't been watching the show up till this point we wouldn't have gotten it either I imagine. Cue the fainting freakout due to talking cat, and magically the princess they are looking for is in another castle.

Finally, we get to see the unveiling of the secret treasure: a 2,000 karat diamond that is a statue of the Diamond Kingdom's first princess. Which is interesting to note because that's not even close to being the biggest ever seen on record. Of course, it is, on the other hand, the largest one ever fashioned into a shape. So there is that I suppose.

But this is not the Silver Cyrstal, sadly, and everyone's time has been utterly wasted. Speaking of wasted, Usagi walks away to get some 'juice' which is actually a martini, and drunkenly stumbles around until she bumps into someone. With more quality animation I assure you.

Oh, but we come to where the entire episode's budget must have gone, because this artwork is actually not so bad, and much time has been taken to care for the lighting of the scene in general, with lots of added shading to boot.

Well, not here, but in other places I guess.

Then he kisses a drunk girl, totally taking advantage of and under aged drunk.

So everything I ever said about Mamoru? It just got justified. Completely. Freaking. Justified.

Oh, and that whole sequence wasn't even 30 seconds. You know what this means? It means the lack of quality in this episode is completely inexcusable. But hey. What do I know. I don't even like this show.

In fact, I think this one's pissed me off more than any other episode I've ever watched.

It makes me so mad, I think I might watch Kodomo no Jikan next. Just because.

.... OH GOD NO. I DIDN'T MEAN IT. DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME. SERIOUSLY.

Come back Monday, and we'll see just how desperate I was to forget this whole thing ever happened.