Sailor Moon Episode 23 - Wish Upon a Shooting Star! Naru's Pure Love

Things on my list to do this week: Wash clothes, sweep room, eat food, move to another state for the second time this year (and the third time moving period this year).

Things not on my list to do: Get fat, snort coke, watch Sailor Moon, commit suicide.

And yet at least one of those things not on my list I am doing, it seems. (I'll give you a minute, it may take a few guesses as to which it is.)

It is still an utter mystery how Sailor Moon got to be so popular. It really must be due to the fact that it literally invented a genre. A genre which, despite my scathing remarks on this blog thus far, I actually enjoy quite a bit. Card Captor Sakura? Loved it. Magical Lyrical Nanoha? Hell to the yes. Well, except StrikerS. That was just... sigh. A total disappointment.

Sailor Moon suffers from everything that makes this genre utterly unbearable though. Poor pacing, loosely defined characters, shit, even artwork that is just downright terrible sometimes. Don't you dare say anything about Madoka, because while admittedly the artwork was not fabulous (wideface much?), everything else about it just tickled me senseless. It was one of those instances where moderately inconsistent/poor artwork actually helped make it better in some aspects, due to the things that were going on.

But I'm not talking about good shows, I'm talking about bad ones. So let's get back on topic here.

Tonight's episode: something about love, and Nephrite taking advantage of a girl's love. And... oh christ.

Just shoot me now.

Okay, I get it. The show is about LOVE AND JUSTICE. I understand that. But couldn't you have applied those themes in, I don't know, a better way? Guh.

By the way, isn't anyone else at least a little bit concerned that middle-school girls are developing romantic feelings towards far older men? I understand, Japan, etc etc. But holy crap, these guys are literally at least ten years their senior. Some of the possibly even more. That's not just creepy, that is downright disgusting.

All this and I haven't even started the episode yet. It's gonna be a long night isn't it?

Right, so it's summer time, and everyone is at the pool. Including Naru who is dreaming of abusive rapeface McDicknugget. WHY ARE YOU DREAMING ABOUT A MAN WHO HAS ATTACKED YOU ON NO LESS THAN THREE OCCASIONS. That's not just incredibly unhealthy, that is downright insane.

Of course her daydream is interrupted by an immature little rabbit, and they start talking about what makes a girl an 'adult'. Apparently, if you are involved in a 'mature romance' this makes you an adult.

One, no you are not involved in anything of the sort. And two? No, that doesn't! Are Japanese girls really this stupid at their age? Because if so... how the hell have they managed to survive this long?!

So she continues to go on about how she's totally in love with that guy who keeps attacking her, and Usagi does something sensible. I guess she's allowed to do that every few episodes at this point? Seems to be how it's going.

Heading over to the shrine for girl talk with the others, they try to figure out how to spare poor Naru from, I don't know, ending up horrifyingly hurt. I'd consider an intervention, or some counseling or something, because this infatuation is clearly unhealthy. But what do I know?

Rei wants to tell Naru, and Ami wants to wait and see how things turn out. But for a change, Usagi seems like she might have the right idea, thinking that trying to force the issue will only make things worse?

Well, back in Beryl's House of Blues, she seems to be having a little issue getting hold of her least-favorite boy toy.

I'm not sure anyone has the heart to tell her someone swapped
her crystal ball for a Magic 8-Ball. Or a bowling ball.

So the peanut gallery gets a whole whopping two lines this time around! They are scared shitless because Beryl is angry. Thanks for telling us something we already knew. Is that also a thing with the Japanese? You have to continually remind your audience of things that just happened in order to reinforce it? Ugh.

Anyhow, Beryl decides to exact some revenge, and Jadeite shows up to laugh. For no real reason. Then goes to pay his buddy a visit. Y'know, just to let his best buddy in the whoooole world know how angry Beryl is. Because that's what bros do, right?

So this other guy, Kunzite? He may or may not have sent blondie here on this little venture. Also, Nephrite mentions he needs to find the Silver Crystal, and screw trying to do anything else. Because that's probably the only way to keep his ass out of the fire at this point.

But of course Zoisite can't seem to handle someone else saying they want to finish their job for them, gets all pouty and runs off. Which appears to be the extent of his ability thus far? Show up, laugh at people, cry when they get snappy with you, then run off to big brother to put your face in his lap? Ugh.

So after some more astrological nonsense, he declares that he needs to get hold of the Black Crystal, which will supposedly help him find the Silver Crystal. SOme pretty images of space later, and then we have REAL ULTIMATE POWAAAAH. In the shape of a little black crystal.

I can think of about five reasons why he might be wrong.
None of them make me feel any better though.

So Naru is the key to finding the Silver Crystal. Or so we are led to believe. Then OH SWEET JESUS.

Let's face it. There is no way to not misconstrue this.
It's like this whole thing was intentional.

Clearly, Zoisite is the woman in this relationship. Then Kunzite orders Zoisite to order a monster to keep an eye on Nephrite.

... just writing that made me die a little inside, I think.

Back on Earth, Usagi chickens out of talking to Naru, and instead runs off to Motoki for advice. Who is teaching some chick how to play an arcade game? Right dude. Right.

Then everyone's favorite creepy stalker shows up, literally right behind her. He immediately takes the chance to draw attention to Usagi and her little infatuation. Motoki offers tea, and Mamoru agrees to tag along. Without being invited. He's suave like that or something.

So she goes with trying to figure out how to deal with Naru. It is at this point the audio goes out entirely for some reason. On the one hand, thank god I don't have to hear her annoying voice anymore. But on the other, this seems to be prevalent through the entire episode, meaning I have to hunt down a backup. Sigh.

Oh the things I put myself through just to offer you, my readers, quality. Well... as quality as you can get from something like this I guess.

So the advice she gets amounts to: While it might be best to sit and wait, you should probably just tell her, even if it will only make her angry. Thus, she gathers up the courage and confronts her friend. Of course, she doesn't even give her friend the chance to respond, and pretty much tells her off before running away. So hopefully she got the message? Probably not.

So while Naru is having a late-night fantasy session about her favorite abusive man, she gets a phone call from - you guess it, everyone's favorite villain who is probably about to kick the bucket. So Naru goes running off in the middle of the night.

I dunno about you, but if this were my kid? I'd be telling
her, "Hell no, go back to bed it is late."

But does her mother go running after her own daughter after she runs out? Of course not. We can add neglect to the list of things totally wrong with this situation.

Anyways, over at the park, Naru and Nephrite share a bench. He tells her that he came to say goodbye, so that he doesn't have to drag her into something dangerous.

Wait. But you've already done that several times you nutcase. You don't just get to renege all the bad things you've done by pretending you've cared the entire time? Or that, I don't know, you're pretty sure she's the only thing standing between you and your goal? I'm having  a hard time wrapping my head around this one.

Oh, but he is a smooth operator, and attempts to enlist Naru to help him find the Silver Crystal. Of course, nobody knows what it is. Or what it looks like. But they know they need it. But of course he's trying to play everything off all cool like, and it is revealed that, maybe Naru does know where the Silver Crystal is. Interestingly enough - at her mother's jewelry store. Go figure, right?

Well, isn't that just family-friendly...

.....

OH GOD WAS A CLOSEUP REALLY NECESSARY?!

So Naru breaks into the jewelry locker, but is caught by her mother taking the rare and valuable crystal. Then runs off before her mom can do anything, who has no idea why her child is acting up. It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that you've been ignoring your child?

Though, she does try running after Naru, and stumbles across Usagi, who, once informed of the situation, knows what's up, and leaps into action, becoming Sailor Moon. Bit early in the episode, but we can just forgive that, after all, ACTION right?

So, the crystal that Naru brought has no effect on the Black Crystal at all. But then it begins to react to something else. Oh gee, whatever can it be.

You tell me, John, you're the one hallucinating here.

So he decides he wants to take her with him, because he's got to find this thing no matter what. But then Sailor Moon shows up, and in the name of love and justice, she's going to break this thing up. Oh, and she pretty much tells her who he really is, and all bets are off now. The kid gloves come off, and Nephrite starts trying to just straight up deal with Sailor Moon once and for all.

Though Mars and Mercury arrive, and he seems strangely happy about this change of pace. Despite, I dunno, getting his ass handed to him once before?

Bubbles, fireball, and suddenly he's remembering that this fight won't be easy. Oh, and that the girl he asked to come with him is still right beside him. A tiara gets thrown, and Naru stands in its very direct, frisbee-like path.

Did she suddenly grow three sizes that day?

Though, she is able to stop the tiara midair, just before it hits her friend, and the tiara falls to the ground. At this point she declares her undying love for the man, saying she would die for him, and then the monster of the day shows up. Complete with Kabuki music in the background.

I think they need work on the monster-making department.

So Kabuki-lady believes Nephrite to have the Silver Crystal. Which is really just the Black Crystal reacting to 'pure human love', and he winds up smiting that thing in order to protect Naru, shocking everyone involved, for some reason. Including Nephrite himself. Oh, and then the monster's true form is revealed.

Okay, that's a little better. At least you're dipping into
mythology properly now.

Though the monster takes this as an act of treason, and attempts to execute Nephrite, but instead is destroyed herself by a well-placed tiara. With Naru unconcious, Nephrite returns the crystal that was brought to him, and prepares to leave, only to be chastised for not having a heart.

Though he starts going on about the whole 'getting the Silver Crystal' thing, then wanders off, fading into nothing. Then there's a shooting star, and Sailor Moon wishes that if Nephrite cares, he won't do any more bad things. At which point the episode ends.

.... suddenly, I think I'm beginning to understand just how this show manages to be so very popular, despite it's terribleness. Because there's one other thing in recent memory which I can recall, that got a lot of flack for being terrible (to the point of having a parody of it that is even worse than its original, but still manages to be a satire work), yet which somehow manages to maintain an absurdly-loyal, utterly fanatic, potentially rabid fanbase.

Yeah. I just went there.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe I can rest my case.