Astarotte no Omocha Episode 03 - Parenthesis of Passing

Hi. Did you forget about this show? I did too. Then I realized I needed something for this morning, and I discovered my choices were more Sailor Moon, Idoru wrasslan, or this.

Why, dear god, did I settle on this. I'd try to make a comparison about shit sandwiches, but honestly I have a head cold and the joke would probably be lost to folks anyways, so I'll just say there really wasn't much wiggle room on this one.

Let's just get this over with. In some countries, I'm sure this show is regarded as an inhumane form of torture. Others would just consider it fap material...

I vaguely remember this show having the sensibility of good show structure - in that they give you a recap without really giving you a recap, as well as setting up for the events of what is about to follow. They do this in the hopes you might look past the fact that their show is about forcing a little girl to learn to give BJ's for the sake of survival.

Never letting that one go.

So in this episode, Lotte is introduced to mainbro's little sister.

OH GOD STOP BEING CUTE.

Also, I figured out how to make animated gifs relatively fast. NOW YOU TOO CAN WITNESS THE HORROR. Particularly when, I don't know, some show makes the horrible decision to loop animations forever and ever.

Of course his sister is introduced as... his daughter? I'm sorry what? There's no way that's even close to being right.

NO. YOU ARE LYING.

OH SWEET CHRISTF**K WHAT IS THIS. WHY IS SHE HIS DAUGHTER HE BARELY LOOKS THAT MUCH OLDER THAN THEM.

SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE F**K.

THAT MAKES TWO OF US LADY!

So he asks to go back for.... his daughter. And she's all "okay, sure" while at the same time presumably FREAKING THE F**K OUT because she ACCIDENTALLY NABBED A FATHER WHICH WAS TOTALLY NOT HER INTENTION TO BEGIN WITH. Besides I thought she was all trying to find someone AGE APPROPRIATE for Lotte? WELL GUESS WHAT YOU F***ING FAILED AT  THAT TOO.

THIS ENTIRE SHOW CAN BASICALLY BE SUMMED UP AS FAIL, THE ANIME.

NO SERIOUSLY STOP BEING SO CUTE AUUUGH.

Turns out the girls are the same age. But that's not the end of this clusterf**k train wreck, oh god no.

Faith in humanity = LOST.

His daughter is 10. He is supposed to be 23. EVEN THOUGH HE HARDLY LOOKS 18. Even Lotte's brain explodes at that thought.

So let me just layer this shit out for you in case it isn't abundantly clear at this point: We've gone beyond simply lolicon, and into pure pedophilia territory now. Because this show? IS ALL ABOUT GETTING A LITTLE GIRL WHO IS AS OLD AS A MAN'S DAUGHTER COMFORTABLE WITH SUCKING HIS DICK.

Lotte starts going off on him saying she doesn't ever want to see him again, but his kid is all "you shut up and stop being mean!" because her role in this show is to be SO GOD DAMNED CUTE YOU FORGET ALL THIS HORRIBLE SHIT. God damn it Asuha, stop being so cute. You make it harder to hate this show because you are so cute and this show is so very deserving of the hatred. Even if the characters, in a very fresh change of pace, actually admit this is kind of f***ed up themselves.

Then his daughter takes him out and Lotte is left wondering why she just let some little tramp tell her to shut up and straight up jacked her servant.

This show is already reaching terrifying new lows. While it's still not worse than KnJ? It is goddamn trying.

After the intro, we get to see Lotten lounging around on her mountain of pillows while abusing the shitty blue reindeer doll that she totally hates while wearing the kind of pajamas I would slap the shit out of my 10-year-old daughter for wearing. If I had one. Which I don't. And thanks to the fact that I am watching this show, the chances of such a thing occurring are rapidly deteriorating. Thanks a lot, Internet.

So cow-maid tries to reassure Lotte by saying that one of the best things about Lotte is that she's able to admit her mistakes, and right now she feels kind of shitty about pissing off her new servant's kid. I'd feel shitty about pissing off someone that god damned adorable too. STOP BEING ADORABLE DAMN YOUUU.

Speaking of people who are totes adorbs, Asuha is asking her dad if he's really going to stay here after being treated like garbage.

I did the math... it ain't that good.

Then he invites his daughter to look down into the courtyard, to see a bunch of flowers that Lotte cares for, and he's all "see, she can be a nice person too, so I want you to get along so she can ride my beef stick."

I may have embellished a little on that last bit.

It feels like you're imagining committing lewd acts to
another girl who is exactly my age too.

But of course daddy knows best and she will totally give Lotte another chance.

Also, he discovers his daughter is not wearing any panties again.

STOP TRYING TO ADORABLE YOUR WAY OUT OF
EVERYTHING THAT IS BAD!

It's official. His kid? She's a total freak. She freeballs. Is that a term for girls? Well it is now. She likes the breezy feeling of wearing a dress and no underwear. It's totally good for the body and all that. IT ALSO SENDS ENTIRELY THE WRONG F***ING MESSAGE.

Next day, Lotte is gone before Asuha can talk to her, and turns out that she has gone to school. Guess that's a thing royal folks are supposed to do, get learned. Then Asuha starts asking Judit what the schools here are like, and boy, she would like to go to school, and hey maybe if she went to school she could totally fix this thing with Lotte, and man school is so awesome I wanna go to school yaaaaaaay.

So then, Judit becomes the creepiest.

.... I need an adult.

We get to see now what school is like in this place. It's not too much unlike what you'd imagine a super traditional school to be like, but then guess who transfers in? ONLY THE CUTEST TERROR SEEN SINCE CUTE-THULU.

She also gets to sit right beside the princess. While getting all up in her personal space and breathing all sensual-like into her ear and OH GOD I NEED AN ADULT.

I DON'T CARE IF I AM AN ADULT.

So now Lotte gets yelled at because she freaks out when this little girl is all I CAME HERE FOR YOUUUU and gets yelled at by the teacher, for which Asuha apologizes later, yet still Lotte is all NEED MAH PERSONAL PRINCESS SPACE, I AM OUTIE. Leaving Asuha to get introduced to some of her new classmates, which, like every other character in this show, are basically normal people with funny-looking ears.

The two we meet are Mist and Yuna - there's the ones with the peach and green hair in the picture I linked above. How convenient they would be introduced first. Then there's Lucca, that little dude just to the right of Mist (or sitting directly in front of, whatever). They offer to show her around the school, and she is super happy to be as adorable as freaking possible, while Lotte is all frumpy for whatever stupid reason.

So now all the new best friends are sitting on the patio, talking about how awesome it is to have a zoo on the ground. But quickly, the topic shifts to how she seems to be so close to the princess. Obviously folks would wonder about that, wouldn't they? They want all of the details. So, she gives them the details, she lives at the castle because of what her father's job is. And what exactly is his job?

This joke is never going to get old.

They automatically assume that, due to her father's occupation, she is... the Princess' daughter. Of course, they quickly realize that makes no sense, but at least one of them is proud that the princess is already popping out dem babes because OH GOD WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS.

Then they reveal that because she's a snobby Princess, they can't really talk to her or even be friends, so they have to resort to talking to Asuha, who seems to think all of this nonsense can be resolved by just having her sit down and eat lunch with the commoners. Great. Cue the commercial break.

When we come back, Asuha finds Lotte and grabs her tail, shocking her like crazy, and they get to talking while she's busy watering flowers. Lotte apologizes for being a fridgid bitch, and Asuha is all "hey wanna have lunch with the cool kids?" Of course the conversation steers towards the awesome lunch Naoyo made and man he is an awesome dad but Lotte is still all NO MEN ARE EVIL PIGS AND MUST DIE.

But Asuha is super good at guilt tripping people, and immediately makes Lotte feel like shit for being a super bitch, and asks about her own family and how awesome family is. So we get to see a little flashback of her mom being awesome, and Lotte realizes it's kind of shitty when you talk bad about other people's parents. So they're off to lunch.

Meanwhile, rumors are abound about a human male coming to the school. Not that they even know what a human is.

All of your races seem to be anthropomorphized somethings,
you're a fine one to talk about us being furries.

They all decide to run off and find Asuha, to warn her about the evil human roaming around the hallways. Meanwhile, Asuha is being told that Lotte is totes jealous of Asuha for being a better person than she could ever be, but her new friend is all "yeah it's cool, I don't give a shit". Then the other friends show up to warn them about the human male, but Asuha is all "ooh cool my dad is here my dad is just so awesome and amazing" and totally doesn't realize that everyone else is looking at her like she just grew a third eye. Which she might be, depending on who you ask for what a human looks like in this school.

Turns out, they stumble across what they described as a human, and is in actuality... a llama.

... a llama.

This llama is the best at being unstoppable or something, because everyone is trying to beat it up but it's all like "nope having none of that". Then someone throws an orange and it is totally happy.

Way too happy for me. Am I on an acid trip now?

Then her dad does in fact show up, having thrown the oranges, stating he has brought them lunch. How awesome. They also figure out what a human actually is, and feel stupid. But this is an all-girls school, so how did he get in? Easy: He got chased by the llama. So he hands over the lunch, to both girls, and apologizes for not knowing what she likes, and then proceeds to make his exit.

Cue lunch time on the patio, and obviously she totally loves the lunch that was prepared. But lunch is always better with other people, and she thanks everyone for coming to her rescue, even though they should probably not do that again since it could have serious political implications should any of them get hurt in the process of trying to defend the goddamn Princess.

Then they say f**k politics we are friends. Also, little kids why are we even worrying about politics.

Then Asuha straight up kisses Lotte because THAT IS HOW HER FAMILY SAYS "I'm totally not mad at you anymore baby".

Goes commando. Kisses people she barely knows on the lips.
God help me.

Lotte's reaction?

HOW STIMULATING.

NO. THAT IS NOT THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE HERE AND OH MY GOD NOW WE HAVE LOLI LESBIANS. AGAIN. And now everyone is on a first-name basis.

BUT THIS SHOW NOW HAS LOLI LESBIANS. THERE IS NOTHING RIGHT WITH THIS AT ALL.

The episode ends with daddy finding a letter from the Princess apologizing for yesterday, and also saying that she doesn't exactly hate meatballs so those are cool. Then she falls asleep giggling thinking about having 'friends'.

AND ALSO MAKING OUT WITH A GIRL WHO IS THE DAUGHTER OF A MAN SHE IS SUPPOSED TO SUCK OFF.

F**k this show. It's still better than KnJ, but that isn't saying much.