Sailor Moon R Episode 17 - Women Should Be Strong and Beautiful! Rei's New Killer Move

Holy crap. I totally missed the 100th post! I knew it was coming up but it completely slipped my mind. Amazing how that just happens. And here I was hoping to do something fun for it.

Oh well. Maybe once I get to 200. Or something. Incidentally, if I had simply been sticking with Sailor Moon this entire time, I'd be halfway through by now.

.... shit.

Today on Sailor Moon, Rei's grandpa starts up a 'weird business' involving 'young girls'. Then some pro wrestling monster comes in and OH GOD NOT MORE WRESTLING.

Oh, and Rei will get a new move? Or show off the one she already got? Whatever. When the show opens, Rei's grandpa is wondering why nobody - particularly young girls - aren't coming by any more. The answer? There's an article in a magazine for young girls, all about him.

I get the feeling he's actually popping a stiffy from
looking at the cover of that magazine.

Gee, who would have thought that girls would hate being objectivized and terrorized by a perverted old man. So distraught by this revelation, her grandfather decides to retire from the life of a Shinto priest, leaving the shrine in the care of Rei. Because "a shrine without any girls is like miso soup without the miso", according to him.

... I do not like where this is going I think.

After the title slide, Usagi is spending time doing what appears to be homework, but inevitably winds up being her sleeping on said homework as opposed to studiously applying herself to it. That doesn't last long though, as Chibi-usa starts feeling her up in an attempt to find the Silver Crystal, which only serves to wake Usagi, as well as inciting her wrath.

Her wrath involves little more than bending the child over her knee, and spanking her once before she decides to throw her to the floor like a sack of rotten potatoes, leaving the little one going "I can't wait to be stronger than her!" Oh, if only you knew... Then our heroine remembers that Rei asked her to help out at the shrine, and promptly ditches doing actual work that could get her somewhere in life to instead goof off at the shrine because we all know Usagi is too god damned lazy to do any real work.

Over at the shrine things are super busy, and all the girls are helping out. Usagi comments it's because they have so many beautiful shrine maidens working, and Ami just has to open her mouth and painfully remind us that she's supposed to be the smart one of the group.

Is it too late for her to go to Germany?

But of course, the only thing anyone cares about here is the money they are making hand over fist, and Mako asks what the crazy old man is doing now.

.... what the actual f**k.

..... I'm. I'm sorry. What? What just happened here? Why are they dancing around to music? Punching fists and shit? Why, in the name of god, do they look like they're about to go running and screaming through a drag queen bar, spouting lyrics as loud as possible at the top of their lungs? Sweet mother of f**k just give them feather boas and this shit is complete.

Their thing is called "Protect Esthe" which makes no f***ing sense at all. And it's supposed to be some kind of new "sport" that... combines self-defense... and calisthenics?

.... oh holy god what.

Then the grandpa gets mad at Usagi, mini-me, Rei and the cat watching in, and he gets all indignant at them asking if they are trying to ruin his one true calling in life.

Oh boy...

He straight up admits to it, asking if that's really such a bad thing, and she's like, HELL YES IT IS A BAD THING YOU ARE LIKE SEVENTY YEARS OLD WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON GIRLS MY AGE I AM YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER SWEET SHINTO-JESUS FIGURE.

Then she goes storming off and tries to recruit the other girls, but before Chibi-usa can accept, she is dragged away by Usagi, and I can't see why anyone would want anything to do with this venture in the first place.

Meanwhile, over in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Rubeus is busy doing that Evil Mastermind thing. Y'know, it's that thing where you stand there, pretending that you're doing something, when really you're just waiting for one of your underlings to show up so you can remind them how stupidly inept they are, and then send them to perform some menial and ultimately pointless task for no reason other than sheer BOREDOM. And that was a really long sentence. Sorry.

Except they break tradition because one of the sisters is all "Where's that crazy bitch Koan?" and he's all like "yeah she's already on-task, unlike you useless sluts, she's already all up in that next crystal point so I'm just going to stand here staring at this thing pretending it does something useful".

I mean he might as well be saying that. So where is this next point? Why where else? AT THAT BUILDING AT REI'S SHRINE WHERE HER GRANDPA IS TOTALLY ATTEMPTING TO INVENT A NEW (and utterly shitty) SPORT.

You know, I have to wonder if these guys actually have to do anything at all in the first place, because if the cornerstones of a future mega-tropolis involves an ice cream stall, a cosmetics store, and the birthplace of the shittiest sport invented since shuffleboard? Sounds to me like they're already well on their way to killing themselves.

Shows what you know.

The other girls are a little annoyed at his seeming to give Koan all the important jobs and I just gotta say... that blue bitch? She didn't exactly win any awards what with her last two attempts ending in COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE.

Back at the shrine, the creepy old man attempts to recruit people to his sport, wondering where his assistant has gone off to, when Chibi-usa finally shows up to volunteer. He is disappointed because, well, he wanted older girls to ogle, but I guess a FIVE YEAR OLD WILL DO.

I do not like where this is going.

Then it goes to a place I wish it never would have.

Oh my god what is this even.

If that is not the definition of Nightmare Fuel, I don't know what is. Of course, I can't reveal exactly why just yet, but just consider the following: When she was introduced, she claimed that she was going to shoot Usagi in the forehead. Then, she drugged Usagi and her friends. And her big dream is to be able to spank this girl?

No. A thousand times no. Just. No.

Then Yuichiro shows up with a literal gaggle of girls, and Chibi-usa is promptly forgotten about.

Later that night at the shrine, who should show up but big ol purpletits, who does a thing to the boxing ring I guess, and... that's it? No summoning a big evil monster that's really just a person wearing a dumb costume? You just stand there yelling "Dark Power!' and that's it? Holy shit did this show just start tanking or what.

Next day Rei is all pissy because her not-really-boyfriend went out and got a whole bunch of hot chicks to spend time with him and her grandpa, so clearly she's a little bit jealous. Then Usagi is all "we should check it out" and they look at the class which has one very strange addition to the roster.

Giant crystal on the forehead? Totally unnoticeable.

Then the teachers show up and the class goes wild, which leaves the old man looking like he just lobbed a little something in his leotard.

He's not even tall enough to properly enjoy them!

Koan steps in and offers to become female instructors, and that big red-headed broad goes "Dumble" and starts slapping bitches on command. No, seriously, her name is Dumble. As in, Dumbbell. Y'know, those things you lift.

Then Rei gets this bad feeling and OH GOD NOOOO.

DIE. DIE IN A FIRE. DO IT NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.

Usagi manages to talk the little one out of participating after she sees Dumble throwing girls around like nothing, and kicking some bitches in the face because, well, that's just how she rolls. But then Yuichiro shows up declaring that he is the coach, and he will not be usurped, and he has to make the hardest decision of his life: Bro, or Ho? Because on the one hand, Yuichiro is a bro. On the other? Damn that ho got some jiggly bazongas all pressing up against his back right now.

Oh that's just not even right.

Rei admonishes him for waiting to make his decision, but he eventually caves and says, I don't care who you are, or how much shit I've put you through, or how much you still go along with every crazy little thing I come up with, you do not have tits, ergo, you are the weakest link, goodbye.

Then Yuichiro goes sulking off and we get to the middle of the episode, which is not quite the high point, since we all know the real high point is when this shit is finally done and over with.

Afterwards, the scouts all have a little pow-wow about how her grandpa is a horrible person, and Ami is still the dumbest person on the face of the planet, saying that this sounds like a hard problem and hard problems are the ones most pleasing to solve.

Just stop talking. Please. You're making things worse.

Usagi is first to mention how weird this new coach is, and bites down on some more cookies because what the hell else is she going to do, something useful? Whatever. We get back to Dumble throwing girls around and the entire ring is filled with blue fire which... makes girls super violent?

This is a better plot than Wanna Be the Strongest!
... that's kind of pathetic actually.

So finally the old man realizes something is wrong, what with a bunch of girls trying to murder each other in the ring, and his talking annoys them to the point where they all attempt to kill him, but he's too much of a boss for that shit. Koan sits on an exercise bike, and sends Dumble after him, because I guesss she had nothing better to do.

Just so you know? That crystal on her belt? Comes
complete with a Dark Crescent symbol inside.

Then Koan transforms and orders her minion to use her ultimate move - the Dumble Elbow Drop. First of all that's a really idiotic thing but whatever, Rei dives in to save her grandfather and gets her knee shattered as a result, because the elbow drop connects with the back of her knee.

Okay, that's pretty painful.

But I guess it doesn't hurt that much because she can totally still yell at her grandpa, and every time he's about to get hit she swoops in to take the punishment for him because that's what girls are good for - meat shields for really dumb old men!

You say as she repeatedly thrusts her chest into your face.

Then there's the heartwarming "you're the only grandpa I have" and the enemy uses a Double Lariat attack or something, which hits the old man knocking him out. Then Usagi shows up and transforms because she remembered she was the main character or something, and is required to attempt saving the day at some point or other. After the transformation (which NOBODY even bothers to notice or even acknowledge!), Koan has her monster minion throw her for a Koan Dark Power Flip. To finish things, right?

But the Moon Scepter slaps her out of her flip, and delivers what is truly the worst intro to an anti-evil quip ever.

That... that... do you even know what you're...

Koan has gone too far, what with trying to crush the dreams of a perverted old man. She even acknowledges him for what he is, and tries to defend him?! What the hell?! Then a spinning rose, yes, a SPINNING ROSE, protects Sailor Moon from the bullshit magical attack, shocking everyone that a mere plant can block anything, no matter how physically improbably it may seem.

Tuxedo Mask is on the scene, complete with canastas and terrible motivation! He kicks the shit out of Dumble, and he tells Sailor Moon to finish this thing up, which I guess she promptly does what with the Scepter Healing thingy. But wait, wasn't Rei supposed to get a "new killer move"? What about that? Oh well, who cares, the monster is promptly defeated for no reason whatsoever, and Koan complains about a blotch on her skin, lashing out with her Dark Fire. Are you noticing a theme yet?

Now Sailor Moon is on the run, and Rei gets all pissy about her grandpa getting hurt, so she transforms (quickly of course because she is not as important) and prepares to unleash some fiery justice upon the enemy. She shoves Sailor Moon out of the way and unleashes a Fire Soul which, predictably, does about jack and shit, so what's she do? Well, since she's kind of losing, she needs a new trick. Why, even Tuxedo Mask knows she's about to do something awesome because he's like "pfft, don't bother helping your friend who just saved your useless ass, because she'll totally use it as a growing experience."

Then she gets super pissed off and looks at her all angry-like and unleashes a Burning Mandala, which is the second brand new move since this season has started. Koan's dress catches fire and she vanishes. Then, Sailor Moon comments to Tuxedo Mask, should she join Project Esthe to become a "strong, pretty girl?"

What was that saying about gold-covered feces...?

Then he gets another future flashback whatever and he gets all grumpy and storms off, apologizing silently for being a dick. Next day, her grandpa has changed his new thing to Project Jazz Dance, and is sitting around presumably not practicing Jazz Hands. And dancing with Chibi-usa and Yuichiro.

I'm not sure I want to live on this planet anymore.

The observers watch on in horror as the credits begin to roll.

And now, much like me, you will probably never get that image out of your head.

.... I am so, so, so sorry.