Sailor Moon R Episode 14 - An Angel? A Devil? Mysterious Girl from the Sky

You may have noticed things have been quiet the last couple of weeks. The main reason is that I didn't have time, between all the lovely things that have gone on in my life lately (especially being sick, that part really sucked).

So, I thought to myself, what could I do to make this blog interesting again, as well as making up for lost time? Why, a theme month, why not! It's now November, and you know what that means? Stuff you're supposed to be Thankful for.

To celebrate this November, I'll be updating the blog five times a week. For four weeks. Yes, that's right, I'm going to hop on the fast track to Bellvue. All for you.

What better way to start this off than with Sailor Moon? Because I promise you, it's about to get super bad.

I'm going to take a moment here and just get this out of the way: The Doom Tree arc is probably the best thing this show has to offer. Which says a lot, considering it was less-than-stellar filler material for 90% of its run. In 13 episodes, there were only two you needed to watch: the first and the last.

Yet, despite all of the weird things that happened... that is nowhere near the worst this show has to offer. In fact, it's kind of sad to say this but it really is better than the actual source material, because things are about to get incredibly f***ed up, in all the worst ways possible. You may already know why, but just in case you've never actually seen or heard of this show before, I'll be nice and hold my tongue, for now, until the big reveal happens. I want you to understand just how truly horrifying this all is.

So today's episode is about a little pink-haired girl with the 'same name' as Usagi quite literally falling out of the sky. Oh, and also some raven-haired lady with a big rack trying to kill everyone. I'd forgotten that this show isn't exactly big on dramatic pacing.

Anyhow, the episode starts off with some spoooooky music and a bunch of folks appearing out of thin air in what must be a tower of some sort overlooking Tokyo.

Brace yourselves, he has an upside-down black crescent
moon tattooed on his forehead.

This dude's name is Rubeus. And he is totally not named after another gem. He starts talking about how the city 'hasn't developed yet'. DO YOU SEE THOSE FRIGGIN' SKYSCRAPERS MAN? HOW IS THAT NOT DEVELOPMENT. Then missy-black hair tells us their plans: They should find the Silver Crystal and destroy it immediately. Well, at least we're off to a good start - we've seen the bad guys, we have a name, and we know what they want all in record time. Which is a distinct improvement from, y'know, Beryl.

Black Hair's name is Koan, and she seems pretty direct about things. Then there's some other silver-haired chick who makes what is probably the best suggestion ever:

Why yes, yes you could! My god are these competent villains?

Rubeus decides to go with that plan. Who doesn't like killing people right off the bat? Then they descend in the most obvious fashion imaginable: something that looks startingly similar to the "Giant Molar" floating castle thing from Escaflowne.

This is the sort of thing you'd hope someone might notice.

After the title slide, we see Mamoru and blondie all dreamy-like sitting on a boat in the park and... did he just call her Usako? For a moment I was confused, but then a Google search revealed to me that this is an endearing nickname, to make her sound even more like a little girl than she already is.

... I'm really not sure that actually makes any of this better.

Then they sit on the dock and start smooching, and there's about twenty seconds of them locking lips before something literally falls out of the sky.

Nope, nothing to worry about here.

Distracted, the sky explodes in a brilliant pink light and we get to learn that Mamoru really is a cradle robber.

Technically not his fault, I suppose.

So in the span of about ten seconds, some little girl literally falls out of the sky and jacks her man. There's something odd about this one though: after all, she's got some sort of strange key hanging around her neck, not to mention the Luna-ball that heralded her arrival. None of that compares to the look she gives Usagi, however.

I. Will f***ing. Cut. You.

She proclaims herself to be Usagi, confusing everyone. She then stands up and asks, who is this bitch that stands in front of her, and how dare she have the same hairstyle?

Yes, the little girl is demanding to know this. So Usagi introduces herself, and... well. See for yourself.

Insert Pulp Fiction reference here.

Boy. That escalated quickly. Where she even got the gun, I don't even know, but I am all for her spreading the main character's brains all over the dock. All she wants is the Silver Crystal, it's no big deal. Mamoru is all "uh, yeah, nice toy" and the little girl is all "MOVE AND SHE DIES."

I gotta say, I like where this is going. Usagi tries to play dumb, but the little girl has no time for this, so she shoots Usagi in the forehead.

God damn it, it was too good to be true.

I was unaware that dart guns made the exact same sound as a real gun when fired. Or that they had the necessary force to knock someone over when fired at point-blank range. Where the hell was this stuff when I was growing up?! So Mamoru gets mad at the little girl, but she's already absconded, and Usagi goes home all depressed.

She then gets super mad at her little brother because her room  has been totally trashed, but he's got no clue what she's talking about. Then, like out of some horror movie, she appears again.

I should have done this episode for halloween.

Usagi immediately flashes back to what must have been ten minutes ago, where Mamoru makes an incredibly astute observation: The little girl must have come from the sky.

I don't know what's worse, the fact that Usagi couldn't
figure this out, or the fact that you think this is some
poignant fact that required hard thinking to comprehend.

Her mom then introduces Usagi's cousin, Usagi.

Yeah that's not going to get weird.

The rabbit starts flipping her shit. This is so stupid! They don't even have any cousins, so who the heck is this little girl anyway? Then they start in with some truly mind-bending shit, where little pinky starts showing up in photos.

What a tweeest!

An entire album full of memories Usagi doesn't remember, and this girl has literally just slipped into her life. What a bitch. Then Luna is all "yo we gotta talk" and Usagi is now in the shower. The little girl altered everyone's memories, and she's after the Silver Crystal! So the best thing to do is sit around and wait for something else to go wrong. At which point, the little girl literally rises up from the bottom of the bath tub.

This is actually some of the legitimately creepiest shit I've had the pleasure of watching. It's completely out of tune with the rest of the show so far! This little girl just shows up, and starts doing all the horror movie stuff for no reason other than to be completely creepy. It's a shame I know her secret, of course.

Also, you have to be some kind of hardened bad ass to teleport into someone's bath tub like that without them noticing. That's just awesome. She once again demands the silver crystal, and the art gets... really disturbing. After that, Usagi is lying in bed dreaming of her shining knight Mamoru, when her dream is rudely interrupted.

Even Luna is impressed. Girl has mad ninja skills.

Her screaming manages to wake up the entire household, at which point the little girl switches to the "teary-eyed sister that has done nothing wrong", immediately winning the hearts of everyone else. It's not her fault Usagi is so mean to her, she couldn't ever possibly do anything to deserve such treatment.

Then her whole family chews her out for being so mean to someone who came all this way to Tokyo all by her little ol' self to be with them because her parents couldn't be with her.

Mind control is great, isn't it?

Well, now we head back to the Sky Prism (man I totally need to come up with a better name for that shit), where blondie is apologizing for being unable to find a girl to murder like crazy. Then some dude in a cloak called Wiseman shows up via hologram.

I put on my robe and wizard hat...

He seems to have a crystal ball, and knows how to use it, just like the last main villain! He knows enough that if you're gonna be evil, you gotta do it with style - and that means man-handling a crystal ball for absolutely zero reason while spouting exposition to the mindless drones that do your bidding. Today's topic of exposition: They need the Silver Crystal so that they can destroy Crystal Tokyo.

Yes, that's right. At some point, Tokyo becomes Crystal Tokyo. Which begs the question: Why not just blow it up now and be done with it before it becomes Crystal Tokyo?

Then Rubeus is all "I will find the crystal and destroy the rabbit!" So sinister.

After the crappy commercial break, Rei takes a photo with the little girl and offers it to the fire. Or rather, she does her divination thing. Or rather, she's supposed to be, instead she's off calling her best friend ugly by saying the kimono she's wearing in that picture is way better than her.

Funny, that's the face I usually make while watching this.

Then she reveals that she isn't getting any evil reactions, while the little girl is spying over them. Maybe one of them has the crystal? Perhaps. Then Rei's grandpa stumbles across her just sitting in the temple, and oh my god is he seriously?

If you try to offer her candy, we are done.

Then she dribbles the catball around, calling it "Luna-P" and orders it to transform... into a bottle?!

She then proceeds to spike all the tea he was carrying with milk from the bottle and oh god what in the hell are we watching?!?! She then reveals that the contents of the bottle contain a sleeping potion, and shoves the bottle into his mouth and walks away with the snacks and tea he was carrying.

And no, she isn't actually evil. Which is probably the most distressing part of this entire show.

Now, suddenly, the girls are no longer in the temple, and are instead in some room. Is it Rei's room? If so, why the sudden change, when mere moments ago they were sitting in the divination room where the little girl was just waiting outside? Questions we will never get the answers to, I guess.

Anyways, she's freaking out because Rei doesn't detect anything evil, and the other girls are like "hey, you're probably just freaking out because things are working out for a change, so you're totally making shit up." Then Ami suggests she needs to... start focusing on entrance exams. What?

Then Rei's grandpa shows up with the treats, but we already know he's actually conked out, and Rei orders him to just leave that shit at the door, she will get to it later. At which point he puts on the old 'emotionally hurt grandpa with such an impertinent granddaughter' routine and walks off. For pretending to be someone else, I gotta say, this little girl nailed it.

Usagi starts eating all of the treats, and everyone partakes in the spiked tea, with the exception of Usagi who is too busy stuffing her face, which makes everyone else pass out. Then the not-grandpa comes back, and it is revealed to be Luna-P and the little girl, who finds out that Usagi is not, in fact, asleep.

Oh god just. No. Oh god. No. Why did you go there? Why?

She then proceeds to spank the shit out of this little girl, which causes the crescent moon symbol on her forehead to appear while she cries. Then not far off, someone is attracting the very wrong kind of attention.

I got nothing.

She's checking their foreheads for what I can only guess is the crescent moon symbol, but of course none of these kids are going to have it. Not that it's going to stop her from looking. Or ignoring the fact that she's got little boys totally sticking their noses up her ass. And seriously, what the hell is up with that one kid on the far left? Is he jacking it in public?!?!

I can hardly think of any other reason why someone would have their hand down the front of their pants. Because she's sure as hell not itching.

Anyway, not far off there's a bunch of light coming from the shrine where the little brat comes into her symbol, and then this bitch shows up high heels and all to kill her. Awesome! She introduces herself as the 'youngest of the four Phantom sisters, Koan'. Phantom sisters. Cool.

She doesn't seem to take kindly to Usagi distracting her, and pretends to set Rei's comics on fire or something with some spooky blue flames? But the little one takes this opportunity to dash out, which sends Koan off as well, so it's time for Usagi to transform because this Koan chick is totally a bad guy. We think. One of them has to be evil damn it all, so we'll go with that and find some ass to kick.

I still maintain that it is totally unfair that the most useless character almost always gets a transformation sequence, while the others just get shit. But whatever, Koan is totally trying to burn the shit out of the little girl with blue fire, but then Sailor Moon shows up after the little one passes out, so she's totally going to miss the awesome that is someone being stupid and still beating the villain.

Koan is pretty bad ass, but despite her attempts to keep Sailor Moon at bay, she still manages to come in with, and I shit you not, the "Sailor Moon Body Attack".

It's a flying tackle. You don't have to scream it. You don't even have to name it. It's just a flying tackle.

Usagi used Tackle! It's Super Effective!

Then Koan gets all pissy because her face got dirty, but Tuxedo Mask shows up with a shitty line and picks up the girl after striking the lady with a rose, but before she can try to lash out again, Sailor Moon does her thing with the scepter, in an attempts to purify this evil being. Oh nooooooo. She manages to survive, but then vanishes, and Tuxedo Mask walks over with the little girl, and starts having some trippy visions of a time not yet now, when all of the city is overrun by crystals and fog.

Meanwhile, the little girl feels safe and secure in his arms, just like when she was with her father. DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

So, back at the Sky Prism Palace, for the third time this episode, sweet jesus has it been that many already? Koan reveals that she was attacked by Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask, so her sisters and that other guy should watch out. At least they figured out they were in the right area, right?

So to wrap up this episode, Usagi watches the little brat sleeping, and totally forgives her for threatening to kill her, and for being a creepy little brat, and for drugging her best friends. The end.

If a kid were to do that kind of shit today? They'd be in therapy.

Some serious, hard core therapy.